Susan Spencer Paul (11 page)

He gave her a look that said her words were utterly foolish. “Would you have me speak what should be obvious? Shall I tell you that this fire is hot?” He swept a hand at the flames. “That the sky is blue? That snow is cold?”

“That makes no sense whatsoever,” she returned hotly. “The two matters have nothing in common. What was obvious to me at that time was that you’d not demand your husbandly rights—your own words, my lord—and I certainly cannot conceive children on my own. What else was I to think?”

“Perhaps your conclusion was obvious to you,” he said, “but what is obvious to me is that convent life has left you sorely lacking in common knowledge. I should have made the matter more clear before we wed,” he admitted, “but even you will admit that the day was a poor one, and neither of us were fit for any kind of lengthy discussion. And, too, I assumed you would know that Gyer must have heirs. Such a thing must be plain to anyone who will only think the matter over. Even to you, my lady.”

“You wed me only to gain land,” she said pointedly. “That was, and is, all I understood.”

“So I now realize. When I spoke to you of not pressing my rights upon you, I spoke of the normal conjugal relationship shared between a man and his wife. If I were not a man of honor, and if it pleased me to do so, I could demand those rights of you at any time, at any place. Even here.” He looked at her intently. “Even now, if I so desired it.”

“Oh,” she said, hot color rising in her cheeks.

“And you did say you wished to have children, did you not?” he asked.

Lillis’s blush deepened and she answered, embarrassed, “Yes. I have always wished for children. I should, in truth, be happy to have them.”

Alexander was inexplicably relieved. Their conversation, for the past several minutes, had grown somewhat distasteful to him. He’d begun to wonder if she truly would refuse to accept him in her bed, no matter how perfunctory their couplings might be.

“Good,” he said. “You are a kind and sensible lady.”

“I should like some time to become accustomed to the idea, however.”

Alexander inclined his head, not surprised at this. She must believe that the physical joining of a man and woman would always be what she’d experienced on their wedding night. There would be no difficulty in allowing her enough time to let that memory dim.

“You shall have as much time as you require, madam. Within reason, of course.”

“But still I am confused, my lord,” Lillis said. “You promised me the freedom to leave Gyer, to live where I please. I know little of such matters, but how am I to conceive if I live elsewhere?”

Alexander gave a slight shrug. “That shall prove of little trouble, I assure you. You shall come to Gyer once a year, or perhaps I shall come to where you are. Provided it is not Wellewyn,” he added firmly. “I should not be able to share a roof with your father for even one hour, let alone the amount of time it will require to create a child. We shall work the matter out between us, and I think you’ll find, my lady, that I am not a difficult man to make terms with.”

“I had not realized—I had not realized we should ever even see one another again, once I left,” she murmured. “I thought I should not even hear from you.”

“Your ignorance is proved again,” he said with some disdain. “As my wife, as the Lady of Gyer, your life and mine are now inextricably twined. We shall deal with one another for the rest of our days, regardless of where you decide to live. I should prefer it if you would remain in England though if you must live in Spain or France or Italy I’ll not keep you from doing so.”

“Oh, no, I shall not go so far. Only to Wellewyn. Nowhere else.”

He folded his arms across his chest. “You are certain of this?”

“Yes, my lord. Quite certain. My father needs me.”

“Your father is an old man. Will you remain at Wellewyn once he has died?”

She frowned slightly and looked thoughtful. “Perhaps. I don’t know.” She lifted her eyes to his. “You will be the Lord of Wellewyn when he is gone, will you not? Would you allow me to remain there?”

“Yes, if you wished it. You may do as you please, just as I told you. You may come to Gyer and take your rightful place as its lady. I should prefer that, in all truth, though I’ll not force you to it.”

Lillis was sincerely surprised. “You’d have me stay at Gyer?” Looking at her husband, so handsome in the firelight, thinking of being his wife in truth made her heart beat painfully.

Another shrug. “If you wished it. It’s your right to be lady here, though my cousin can continue to serve in that position, and will in your absence until she, herself, has married. Once she has gone my aunt shall have the honor.”

“I see,” Lillis replied, feeling both foolish and disappointed.

“Be assured, however, that when you are at Gyer you shall be treated with the courtesy and respect you deserve as my wife. This eve was a regrettable mistake, and one that will not happen again. I have already spoken with my cousin, and have made it clear that she is not to take your place when you are in residence here.”

Worse and worse. Married for her land. Married without love. Married to a man who had no use for her, save that of having children. She might play at being the Lady of Gyer whenever she wished it and not be missed at all when she didn’t. Lillis felt a sorrow that moved all the way through to her bones. “Thank you,” she murmured. “You are kind, my lord.”

“Would you wish to live here?” he asked. “Even to be near your children, if nothing else?”

Lillis looked at him sharply. “To be near my children? What does that mean, sir? I shall always be with my children. Always.”

Alexander smiled, looking oddly triumphant. “Then you will live here.”

She felt her patience slipping away. “My lord, you just a moment ago said I might live where I pleased.”

“And so you may. You may live wherever you wish, Lillis Baldwin, but my children, all of them, will live at Gyer. With or without their mother.”

“I
f I don’t go outside soon I shall shortly lose my mind!”

Lillis paced back and forth in front of one of the long windows in a partitioned section of the great hall. The midday sun spilled warmly through the window and onto the floor. Her skirts twirled up and around at each turn she made, then settled as she began another course through the sunlight until she reached the point of her next turn.

“It is already midday!” She stopped long enough to eye the two guards who stood to one side, dispassionately watching and listening to her. “It will soon be too late to enjoy the day, and there will not be many such days in the coming months.” The guards said nothing, had no expressions, and Lillis felt like a child on the verge of a tantrum. “Oh!” She began to pace again. “He is only doing this to annoy me.”

She had tried to go out into the garden earlier in the day but had been stopped by her guards. They had been polite but firm. They had their orders, and only when the Lord of Gyer gave them approval would they let her leave the castle without his escort.

Alexander of Gyer’s escort! Ha! As if she should ever wish to spend any more time with that wretched, miserable beast than she already did. The man was utterly without feelings. A great block of ice was Alexander of Gyer. Three days had passed since their talk in the solar, yet her fury with him hadn’t diminished at all.

Oh, yes, she’d flown into a fine rage after his pronouncement of keeping her children at Gyer, regardless of whether she, herself, decided to stay and live with a man who didn’t want her, didn’t trust her and certainly didn’t love her. Even now, when she remembered the words that had passed between them, she felt her blood boiling anew.

“I’ll take a lover,” she’d lied, knowing the threat sounded as weak as it was. “You’ll never know if the children are yours or not.”

The look he’d given her had expressed his disbelief. He’d been supremely unimpressed. “That might be a happy answer for both of us, then,” he’d replied mockingly. “I’ll claim those that resemble me—Baldwins inherit very strong family features—and you may keep your bastards for company and comfort.”

The man was a perfect swine. Truly. She didn’t care how kind he’d been to her since that night, or how deferentially he treated her as the Lady of Gyer, always seating her beside him at table and making certain she was given the respect and honor due her newly attained station, no small task in the face of the daily antagonism she received from most of the castlefolk, who blamed her for Barbara Baldwin’s unhappiness. But none of that mattered, really. Not when Alexander of Gyer was nothing more than her jailer, too powerful to escape and too knowledgeable to outwit. Lillis deeply felt her lack of worldly experience when she was with him. Indeed, he made her feel as if she were little more than a foolish, willful child.

He took his cousin walking in the gardens every afternoon. Lillis had seen them from out of one of the windows. She’d watched as they’d strolled together so slowly, talking and laughing and gazing into each other’s faces. Barbara would set her hand on Alexander’s arm, and he would cover that hand with his own, caressing the tiny fingers with his large, masculine ones, gently rubbing his thumb over her little pink nails in a particular way that told Lillis the action was one of long habit, done but not consciously thought of.

It was this, seeing this, that made Lillis long to go out of doors. How unfair it seemed to her that she should be made to stay inside this great tomb of a castle when they and everyone else could walk free and feel the sun and fresh air on their faces.

Today, after her guards had stopped her, Lillis had huffed and threatened and finally gone in search of her husband. She’d found him at the long table in the great hall, the meal they had enjoyed in almost total silence that afternoon having been cleared away. He was surrounded by several of his men: his chamberlain, his bailiff, his marshal and Willem, who served as his castellan, as well as by many of his knights and some men who she guessed were barons who’d pledged him their allegiance, and who therefore represented certain portions of his villeins and vassals. They had obviously been in the midst of discussing something important, and Lillis understood, somewhat guiltily, that she should not have intruded.

She approached the table and stopped directly in front of her husband, fixing him with what she hoped was an appropriate glare, and waited for his anger to fall upon her head. He had every right to be upset, she knew, for ladies weren’t supposed to bother their lords when they were busy with their men. Of course, it would have been impossible to do otherwise, for Alexander of Gyer was
always
busy with the managing of his estates. She’d been surprised, then, to see that his initial expression was one of glad welcome.

“My Lady Gyer,” he greeted with a nod.

Lillis returned politely, “My lord. Please forgive my interruption.”

He made a small gesture with his hand, as if waving her words away. “You are welcome here, my lady, and your beauty is a far better feast than what we’ve fed upon this past hour. Indeed, we must thank you for gifting us with it.” The men at the table murmured their approval of his words, causing Lillis to blush up to the roots of her white hair. “What may I do for you, good lady wife?” he asked.

Her anger thus fully assuaged, Lillis looked at him penitently, then at the other men at the table, all of whom stared at her most openly, worsening her discomfort.

“Please forgive me,” she said again. “I only wish to go outside into the garden and enjoy the day, but your guards say you will not allow it.”

“This is so,” he admitted.

Her anger lit up again. “Do you mean that I may never go outside, save to traverse the short walk between the castle and the chapel? Must I breathe all of my fresh air in those few seconds?”

Alexander set down the parchment he’d been holding and regarded her calmly. “I did not say you could never go outside, my lady, only that I must be present to escort you. If you wish to go into the gardens I shall be happy to take you there as soon as I am finished here. We will not be much longer.”

A swift vision of him walking with his cousin in those same gardens swam through her mind. “No, thank you, my lord,” she replied stiffly. “If that is my only choice, I would rather stay inside.”

He shrugged and picked the document up again. “As you wish.”

Having so clearly been dismissed, Lillis turned to leave just as Willem spoke. “You don’t need me here any longer, Alex. I should be happy to escort you through the gardens, Lady Lillis.”

Lillis smiled at him broadly, filled with gratitude for this happy compromise. “That would be most kind of you, Sir Willem.”

Willem’s face lit with a returning smile, and he’d begun to stand, only to be held down by his older brother’s large and heavy hand.

When Alexander spoke, it was tightly, with anger. “I said, my lady, that I shall escort you later. You will either wait until I am able to take you or you will not go at all.”

Willem, allowing himself to be pushed back into his chair, gave Lillis an apologetic look.

“Not at all, then, my lord,” Lillis said, turning toward Willem and adding sweetly, “I do thank you, Sir Willem, for being such a chivalrous and gentle man. You are a credit to your knighthood, sir.”

Satisfied with Alexander’s narrowing eyes, Lillis turned and walked away.

That had been an hour ago, and now Lillis was regretting the rage that had caused her to speak so rashly. Perhaps, if she had only remained calm, she might have been able to persuade him to let her go outside. Instead she had only made him angry; now she would have to humble herself and ask him to escort her through the gardens. It would be humiliating, but unless she found a way to get outside without her guards seeing her, she would be stuck inside the castle until the day she was able to go free. And God alone knew how long that would be.

She made another turn and paced through the sunlight again. She wondered if she should go in search of him. He must be finished with his meeting by now. Perhaps, if she—

“What are you doing?” a small voice interrupted her thoughts, and Lillis looked to see both Candis and Justin standing in the shadows, watching her. How long they had been there she didn’t know. They certainly had a talent for moving about unnoticed.

She smiled at them. In the past three days, Candis and Justin had been her greatest source of comfort, and Alexander didn’t seem to mind that she spent so much time with them. “I’m trying to keep myself from being bored to death, that’s what I am doing. What are the two of you doing?”

“Playing,” Justin said. “Why do you never go with the other ladies?”

He meant the other women of the castle, Lillis knew, who with Barbara had closeted themselves with their needlework in the solar where Alexander and she had had their argument. Lillis had realized at once that they were trying to stay away from her, and she had respected their feelings and let them be. The silences she had to bear during meals were bad enough; she didn’t think she could put up with a whole day of it.

Her own needlework provided her some comfort during several hours of the day, especially when the children were busy with the new tutor Alexander had hired, and yet she couldn’t deny that she felt lonely much of the time. Edyth was not there to lend her company, her guards rarely made an effort to speak to her, and the rest of the castlefolk treated her as a leper. Willem was always kind to seek her out during the long afternoons, and would sit with her for the space of an hour or more, conversing casually about all sorts of different things, and Alexander even made an effort to speak to her several times during the day, coming out of his working chamber specifically to ask how she fared. He didn’t spend more than a minute or two with her during these visits; never longer than it took to ask his question, receive a reply and make a polite goodbye.

Lillis had asked Aunt Leta if she could help in managing the household as a way of passing the day, but the older woman had received this request with an air of insult, as if Lillis had ridiculed her abilities at running so large a castle. She informed Lillis that she’d single-handedly managed the household of Gyer for more than thirty years and had never had a complaint. Yet, in spite of the brittle tone in her words, Lillis sensed some small amount of approval from the older woman and pressed on, assuring Aunt Leta as humbly as she could that Gyer was indeed impressively maintained, and that she would be honored to be tutored in the management of a large household by one as experienced and talented as Leta Baldwin.

The words had done the trick, and Aunt Leta had huffily stated that that was a very proper attitude for the new Lady of Gyer to have, and that she would do her best to make certain Alexander’s wife learned the proper way to manage her husband’s home and be a credit to him. Goodness only knew that Barbara had never been interested in learning such necessary skills. Today, however, she already had plans to visit some of the villagers, and as Lillis could not leave the castle, there was very little she could do to help. Tomorrow, she promised, she would take Lillis on a tour of the castle and introduce her to all of the servants.

Tomorrow, Lillis thought, she would truly begin to feel like the Lady of Gyer, instead of Alexander of Gyer’s prisoner. Tomorrow was a day she was looking forward to.

“Well, I didn’t wish to sit with the other ladies because I was hoping to go outside today, into the gardens,” Lillis explained to the children. “But I cannot, so I am standing here at the window and looking out instead. Now, why aren’t the two of you with your new tutor?”

“He left this morn,” Justin replied, “and swore he’d never come back.”

Lillis’s heart sank. “What did the twins do this time?”

“Snakes in his boots,” Justin said.

“Snakes!”

He gave a disinterested shrug. “They weren’t very poisonous. They wouldn’t have killed him.”

Candis tilted her head at Lillis questioningly. “Why can’t you go outside? We can.”

“Can you?” Lillis was grateful for a change of topic. “How delightful for you. Is it a nice garden? It looks very pretty.”

“It has flowers,” the little girl replied, “and trees. There is even a pond with fish, but we are not allowed to go near it. Justin fell in once and almost drowned and Alex said he would beat us if we ever went near it again.”

“Oh, my!”

The children nodded their agreement of this sentiment. Candis continued, “The flowers smell nice in the garden, but they’ll go away soon. They always do.”

“Yes, they will,” Lillis agreed, “but they’ll come back in the spring. Will they not? And then they shall be twice as pretty.”

“Yes, I suppose so,” she admitted, then said more brightly, “Will you tell us a story?”

Lillis was about to say that she would when Justin shook his head. “We’re going to go see Hugh and Hugo now. Candis forgot already.”

Candis frowned at him. “I didn’t forget,” she insisted.

Lillis looked from one child to the other. “Where are Hugh and Hugo? Perhaps I can come, too.”

Justin eyed her suspiciously. “Are you our sister now?” he asked.

Surprised, she gave a little laugh. “I suppose I am, in a way. Is that all right?”

Justin looked her over, obviously considering whether it was or not. Finally he nodded. “I guess so. You can come with us.”

With one child holding each of her hands, Lillis was led up the stairs, past the floor that the bedchambers were located on and even past the floor that she had been jailed on. The guards followed steadfastly behind, causing Justin to turn and look back at them as they neared their destination.

“Why do they always follow you around?”

“They like me, I suppose.”

“Oh.”

The circular stairway went on and on and up and up until Lillis began to wonder whether they were ever going to come to an end, but Justin and Candis and even her guards seemed unconcerned about the never-ending ascent, and Lillis allowed herself to be led on. At the very top of the stairs was a small landing with two doors on either side. One door led to the roof and parapets outside and was heavily locked and barred against either entry or exit. The children led her through the other door.