Sweet Beginning (4 page)

"What's this?" I ask, with a smile. I don't open
it, wondering if he is giving me a gift. From the look on his face, this isn't
a happy thing. My smile fades as I wait for him to answer. 

He takes a deep breath, and looks away as he says, "My
lawyer got the papers done for us to sign."

 My hands begin to shake. I look down at the envelope, then
back at him. Anger buils with in me at the shock of his words. My eyes water, I
will myself not to cry in front of him. I don't want to give him the
satisfaction of affecting me in that way.

"Wow, WOW, REALLY!??" I search his eyes for
something, I'm not sure what. "THAT was quick," I spit at him. 

He looks out the window again. It's almost as if he is
afraid to look at me. My anger builds, distraction me from collecting my
thoughts.

"Why do you keep looking out the window? What are you
looking for?" I sit there waiting for him to answer. "You sure didn't
waste any time getting the papers done, huh?"

I wait again for him to answer. He sits there staring out
the window. He puts his face into his hands then runs them through his hair.
He's always done this when confronted with something he doesn't want to deal
with. He looks up and into my eyes.

"Anne..." he pauses, searching for words. I'm too
upset to sit here and wait for him to decide to talk.

"What? For fuck's sake, fucking say something!"

"Anne..." again he pauses. He looks over at me,
I'm so furious at this point I could spit nails.

"WHAT?" I yell.

"I wanted to say I miss you. I don't understand why
you're so mad at me right now," he says.

"You don't understand? Are you fucking kidding
me?" I say through clenched teeth.

"NO, I am not kidding," he says.

"This is the most you've talked to me in weeks, months
for that matter. Then you mindfuck me with this shit."

I see him getting mad, "What the fuck are you talking
about? This is one thing I don't fucking miss!"

"Of course you don't. You never liked to talk or fight
with me."

"Really, Anne? What the fuck?"

"Forget it! It doesn't matter anymore, does it?"

"Yep, there you are! I thought for a minute things were
different, you were your old self. But we can't have that, can we?"

"Fuck you."

"No thank you."

I am so mad, I actually can't talk. I feel tears trying to
make their way to the surface. I sit there with my arms crossed over my chest.
I use Kyle's tactic of looking out the window, trying to calm myself.

"You wanted the divorce, remember?" he asks, as he
runs his hands through his hair.

I look over to see his hair sticking up in weird directions.
This was always a sure sign he was stressed. I reply, "Believe me, I
remember. What are we waiting for, let's sign them."

I grab the envelope and fish out the papers.

"Look, Anne. I didn't come here for a fight. I figured
you moved out, what are we waiting for?"

"Nothing," I spit back at him. I quickly scan the
sheets to see where I have to sign. "Make sure you send me a copy," I
say as I throw them back to him.

I start cleaning up the dishes. He stays cemented in his
seat watching me. As I start to turn, he grabs my arm. I yank it from his
grasp, almost dropping the tray.

"You got what you came for. Go, Kyle!"

I walk to the counter, dropping the tray. Jaylah takes one
look at me and storms over to Kyle.

"Really nice, fuck wad!  What did you do now?" she
yells at him.

"I better leave," he says.

"That's right. Leave when things get tough," she
says.

"Think whatever you want Jay. It's not all me."

He looks over at me and I turn away. I see from the corner
of my eye how, he shakes his head and leaves. Jaylah runs to me and envelopes
me in a hug.

"He had papers done already. Can you believe it,
JayJay? He doesn't talk to me in weeks. He sits there and tells me that he
misses me, then hands me papers," I whisper.

I lean against the counter, defeated. "I know I asked
for a divorce...." Jaylah interrupts me before I can finish my words.

"But you wanted him to fight for you. And you ARE worth
fighting for!"

I smile weakly at her, yet feel defeated. I nod my head and
start cleaning up my mess. I'm emotionaly exhausted and need to busy myself.

The rest of the day passed by fast, thankfully. The girls
are so excited to see their new room. I'm sure they ran here from school. It's
the first time they walked with their friends.

"Hi Mama, can we please see our room?" Katie asks,
practically jumping up and down. Shannon stands next to her sister, nodding her
head in agreement.

"Of course, let's go." I look over at Jaylah and
she nods her okay.

They are so excited about how their room turned out. Ifelt 
good to see them so happy. We painted it a soft blue, and painted fairies all
around the room. Then Jaylah and I hung up fairy lights around the ceiling. They
picked out their comforters in bright colors with pillows to match. In the one
corner, is all their toys in the bins with a rug for them to play on.

Once we see everything, we go back downstairs. I tell them
they can pick out a snack. After that, they go sit at a corner table to work on
homework.

I go back to cleaning up the shop.

"Hey, Jay?" I yell.

She comes out from the back, "Yeah?"

"Why don't you go home? I'll finish up until Amanda
gets here."

"Okay. Thanks, toots," she winks at me.

I smile, she can always cheer me up with the little things.
She walks over to Katie and Shannon. I see them all talking and laughing
together. I am thankful for these moments, it helps me forget my troubles.

Shortly after Jaylah left, Amanda walks in for her shift.

"Hello Anne," she says.

"Hi Amanda. Everything is set for you. If you need
anything, I'll be upstairs," I reply.

"Okay," she says with a smile.

I watch her put on her cupcake apron and get to work. I
don't sew a lot, but I made a bunch of different aprons for everyone to wear. I
remember having so much fun picking out the fabric and making them. I have had
to throw some out and make more through the years. I finish cleaning up and
look over to the girls.

"Clean up your stuff girls, we are going
upstairs," I yell over to them.

They nod their heads and start cleaning up. I walk over to
the table and make sure they have everything. We walk up to our apartment
together.

I start making dinner and the girls run off to play.  I
decide to make spaghetti, because it's fast and easy. As I cook, the afternoon
keeps running through my head. Jaylah was right. I was expecting him to fight
for me, or try. I have this feeling that something else was wrong with him. The
more I think about our fight, I start getting mad again.

I set the table and yell for the girls to come eat. As we
sit down for dinner, I am still thinking about Kyle. I talk to the girls about
their weekend in Memphis. Its hard for me to listen to them talk about all the
things they did without me. I put on a happy face, for their sake. I pick at my
food, as they talk.

Once they are done eating, we all clean up the table. Katie
runs in the bathroom to take her shower before bed. I finish putting the dishes
away. When Katie leaves the bathroom, I help Shannon take her bath before bed.
The girls can't wait to sleep in their new beds, so they decide to watch a
movie in their room until they fall asleep. I sneak in about a half hour later
to find them both sleeping. I kiss them softly, turn of the tv and shut the
door.

I throw myself on the couch, feeling emotionally drained. I
hear my phone go off that I have a text.

Jaylah 8:02pm

want some company?  I've got wine :)

Anne 8:03pm

but of course  :)   <3

Jaylay 8:03pm

i'm on my way

About fifteen minutes later, I hear footsteps on the stairs
to my place. Jaylah comes in looks over at me and waves the bottle of wine at
me. She grabs two glasses from the kitchen and sits next to me on the couch.
After she pours us glasses, I grab one and take a long drink.

"God, I needed this JayJay!"

She smiles at me and waves a DVD in front of me. "I
figure you needed wine and some Dirty Dancing."

I chuckle, this is always our therapy in rough times. We
know the movie word for word. She pops it in, we relax and watch. I love that
we can do this. We don't have to talk about what happened, all I need is her
sitting next to me.

The next couple of months went by with what felt like
lightning speed. We got a routine down, which has helped with my sanity. There
were some sleepless nights. Once the newness of everything wore off, it hit the
girls hard. We decided on joint custody, so they are with each of us equally
each week. My heart breaks each weekend they are with Kyle, I don't get to see
them for almost 4 days. He has the girls every other weekend. It made more sense
with his schedule of four, twelve hour days.

It always sounded great to have some free time, to be by
myself. Yet when you actually get it, you wish you didn't. I sit alone a lot of
times and cry. I have been doing more of my hobbies lately, I love to crochet.
I have made a couple of blankets already. It helps to keep my mind off of being
alone.

I got a lawyer to go over all the paper work that Kyle gave
me. Since we aren't fighting over anything, he told me the divorce would take
about six months to finalize. So we should be divorced by Valentine's Day.
Isn't that wonderful, I was never a big fan of the holiday anyway. 

Kyle and I haven't seen much of each other through all this.
Since our fight at the shop, he doesn't really want to see me. That is fine
with me, I not in a rush to see him right now either. I still can't believe he
was so quick with the papers. I thought in the end that we could at least try
to mend our marriage.

So when he drops them off he waits in the car and I do the
same at his house. When we do need to talk to each other, we usually text. That
does sadden me, we were best friends at one time. I do hope that gets better in
time, especially for the girls sake. I don't want to have a bitter relationship
with him, that we can't even handle being in the same room together.

I don't have the girls this weekend, I sit on the couch to
relax . I pull my new crochet project out, turn on the TV and start working
away. I hear my phone ring and am shocked to see that it is my mother. We don't
call each other very often, unless something has happened or to talk about the
holidays. I only made a quick call to even tell her about Kyle and me when it
happened. I set my project aside and answer my phone.

"Hi, mom."

"Hi. How are you doing, Anne?" she asks. 

I sigh and reply, "Not bad, its been an adjustment for
all of us.  But we are handling it."

"Well thats good, I know its not easy. If you ever need
to talk, you know you can call me," she replies.

"I know thanks,"  I reply. I am surpised by the
conversation, this is the most we have talked in a long time. I wish sometimes
we had a better relationship, one like normal mother and daughters have. I use
to get upset when I saw Jaylah and her mom together. I wanted that, my mom has
that with Emma and Mia. My mom breaks my train of thought.

"Well I wanted to also let you know that Stan and I are
going to Florida early this year. I know we usually wait until after Christmas,
but Stan feels better down there." she says. 

Well that makes the holidays easier for me. I know I
shouldn't feel like that, but if it wasn't for my girls, I wouldn't go. It's
always uncomfortable and we don't stay very long. "Ok, when are you
leaving?" I ask. 

"Well we decided on next week and we won't be back
until Easter.  Emma and Mia are staying at the house and flying out for
Thanksgiving and Christmas," she replies.

"Of course", the golden children will be there, I
think to myself. I shake my head, I shouldn't feel like that towards my
half-sisters. My mom got pregnant with Emma shortly after she married Stan.
That added to our bad relationship. I just couldn't believe she moved on so
quickly!  My poor dad was alone and miserable. My mom moved on, she gave up on
our family. It made me moving to my dad's a much easier decision. She didn't
even fight to have me stay, which made me feel unloved. First my mother, now
Kyle. I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me, am I unlovable?

I realize that I missed some of the conversation, my mom is
waiting for me to answer her. I am not sure what she was asking me.  

"Oh, ok mom. Have a good trip, let me know when you get
there," I reply.

"I will. Have a nice Thanksgiving," she says.

"Bye."

I hear the click of the phone. I stare at my phone for a
bit. Why do I always feel worse after talking to my mom? I decide to text
Jaylah.

Anne 7:43pm

so guess who just called me?

JayJay 7:48pm

asshat?

Anne 7:48pm

lol....NO, my mother!!!  wierd....hey am I interupting something?

JayJay 7:49pm

Holy shit, really!!!  U ok?  and why do you ask abt interupting me?

Anne 7:50pm

ikr....cause u took so long to get back to me...r u with someone?

JayJay 7:55pm

R u looking through my windows....lol  Yes I am with pussy boy

Anne 7:56pm

:)  I knew it....sorry!  Have fun, be safe and i will ttyl

JayJay 7:58pm

U know i always am...love you  ttyl

Anne 7:59pm

LU2

I laugh out loud, "Pussy Boy" she always brings a
smile to my face. I really wish she could find a guy that can make her happy. I
know one day that a guy will be able to break down the walls that she has
erected around herself. Then maybe, just maybe she can be happy.

I get myself in my Pj's and decide to pop some popcorn and
watch "The Holiday," another one of my favorite movies. I probably
shouldn't watch love stories, but I am a sucker for them.

I wake up with a start. I realize I must of fell asleep
watching my movie. I get ready to go to work. I hurry up, get into the shower.
Once I am dressed, I blow dry my hair and put it into a ponytail.

I get downstairs and start baking. As I am working I look up
at the clock, Jaylah is running late. I better call her to make sure she is
alright. I grab my phone, then hear the bell above the door. I peek out front
to see Jaylah running in. I shake my head and laugh.

"What?"  Jaylah asks.

"Nothing. Soooo how was your night?" I smile at
her. 

She rolls her eyes, "It was great, to bad he is such a
pussy. Afterwards, he laid there and wanted to talk about "us". He
didn't like that I asked him, What us?" 

"You didn't JayJay!"

"Of course I did, I told him from the start all I
wanted was a Fuck Buddie. I can't help it I am so irresistible!" she says
laughing. I shake my head and laugh along with her. "So he left shortly
after that, I guess he is mad at me."

We talk as we work, I tell her about my conversation with my
mom. She tells me more about her night. We go about our morning routine. I
start thinking about where my life is going. I want to stop feeling sorry for
myself. I need to make some changes, something to make me feel better. 

In between customers I look over at Jaylah and say, "I
want a makeover, what do you think?"  She looks over at me.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," she replies.

I have always envied Jaylah for her boldness, she is always
willing to try new things. Her hair always goes with her personality. She has
tattoo's to go along with her rocker look, each with a special meaning behind
them.

I have four tattoo's. Kyle never liked that I had them, he
didn't understand why people got them. If you never had one, most people don't
understand. Each one of mine has a special meaning. I have angels, for my
babies, one for my grandparents, a butterfly for Jaylah and then my ankle wrap
that goes down my foot. My ankle tattoo was my first, it was to help keep me
grounded. Jaylah snaps her fingers in front of me to wake me from my thoughts.

"Do you want to go a little crazy, like me?" she
says with a playful tone. 

I smile, "Not quite that crazy JayJay, but come with
me, okay?"

"Of course, you know I will." she says. Then in
walks our crochet group that comes in every week, we start making their orders.

~~~

Kyle and I decided he could have the girls for
Thanksgiving.  His parents love having everyone over that day. I usually have
my dad come over in the morning for a Thanksgiving breakfast, so we decided to
keep it the same.

I get everything ready for us. It felt so lonely getting up
to an empty house this morning. I have to keep reminding myself that this is
better for everyone. It doesn't feel like it right now, yet I have to believe
it. I don't want to become a bitter person. I hear a knock on the door, then my
dad walks in.

"Good morning baby, " he greets me.

"Hi, dad."

I walk over to him, give him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Smells great in here."

"Thanks. I hope you are hungry. I need to learn to cook
less." I laugh.

"I'm starving. Plus I don't mind taking home
leftovers," he winks at me.

He takes a spot on the couch and turns on the TV. We talk
while I continue to make breakfast. He asks about the shop and how things are
going. I set the table and we sit to eat. We talk about his shop, things have
been picking up for him. It helps that he is the only car shop in town, beside
the dealership. My dad is an honest man, with good prices, folks in town trust
him.

As we finish cleaning up, I pack up leftovers for my dad to
take home. I invited him to come to Jaylahs parents house for dinner, he
declined. I wish he would come with me. I hate the thought of him being alone,
with only his dog Lucy. 

I hand the bag to him, "Are you sure you won't change
your mind?" I ask.

"Maybe next time," he says with a smile.

"Ok. Love you dad," I give him a hug and kiss
good-bye. I watch him go down the stairs to his truck. He turns, waves, gets in
and drives off. I close the door and feel the emptiness of my place. I look at
the time and start getting ready to leave.

I am ready to go, I grab the cherry pie I baked last night
to bring with me. I text Jaylah quickly that I am on my way. I try not to think
to much on my drive over. I don't want to be depressed, or have anyone feeling
sorry for me.

I pull into Jaylah's parents driveway, I put on a smile as I
get out of the car. Jaylah waves when she sees me. She is on the deck having a
cigarette, I grab the pie.

"Hey you," I greet her.

"Hey yourself," she laughs back. "Mom has
been waiting for you. It's just us for dinner, Jaz is going to her
in-laws."

Jazmin is Jaylah's sister, she is older than us and has been
married for sixteen years to Don. They have two girls, Angel and Alex. Jaylah
puts out her cigarette and we walk into the house.

"Hello Anne," greets Stella.

"Happy Thanksgiving. I baked a cherry pie for
dessert," I reply.

Stella grabs the pie and puts it on the counter. She comes
back, gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"We are glad you came. We wish Tom, would have come
with you," she replies.

"Me too."

I walk into the living room to say hello to Mike, Jaylah's
dad. He is watching the parade and I think taking a nap before we eat. Not that
he would admit to the nap.

Jaylah and I set the table for dinner. Stella starts putting
the food out for us to get ready to eat. After we finish eating and are done
cleaning up, Jaz comes over with her family. We all enjoy dessert together and
play some euchre.

Jaylah and I don't stay to late, tomorrow we have an early
morning. Black Friday is one of our busy mornings.  We open "Sweet
Pleasure's" at 4:30 am, so that the shoppers can stop for their coffee and
goodies.  

Jaylah HATES Black Friday, always has. She can't stand the
crowds of people and the craziness of all that shopping. So she is never upset
that we are busy at our shop all weekend. 

I use to love going shopping on Black Friday weekend. I
would meet up with my cousin Lynette and we would spend all weekend shopping. I
miss things like that sometimes, don't get me wrong I love "Sweet
Pleasure's" and working with Jaylah. But it would be nice sometimes to
have more freedom. I hope one day we can step away from the business a little
more.

~~~

This time of year always flies by. I spend my days off
shopping for the girls Christmas gifts. Its wierd that I don't really have to
worry about Kyle this year. I still told the girls that I would take them
shopping to get him a gift and for each other. They always have so much fun
trying to hide their gifts from each other in the store. I asked Jaylah to go
with me this year, this was always something we did as a family. I want to make
it fun for them.

The girls and I had a blast decorating our little apartment.
This is my favorite holiday and I go a little crazy with my decorations. The
girls never seem to mind.

Katie tells me that their Aunt Liz came over and helped
decorate at Kyle's. At least they had Liz to make it special. Kyle was never
big on decorating for the holidays, I did it all.

Liz and I use to be closer, things changed a few years ago.
Kyle talked to her about our problems, which was fine. We all need someone to
talk to, I have Jaylah, he has Liz.

I never cared that he talked to Liz about our problems, but
we had a few fights about a woman he worked with, Tessa. She worked out in
Memphis, they talked to each other everyday for work. But when they talked and
texted outside of work, that's when I had a problem with it. He would tell me
they were friends all the time and to not get all worked up over it. I don't
know why, but it always upset me.