Sweet Is Revenge (12 page)

I had made the mistake of not locking my door. I looked up as my mom walked in. I went back to staring at my ceiling, not interested at all in what she had to say. She sat down on my bed, barely making an indent with her tiny body. "Decklin didn't tell you everything sweetie," she said quietly.

"Care to rip my heart to shreds some more mom? Cause really, I don't have much left," I said bitterly, scowling at my white ceiling. "Really, throw something else at me. Maybe then I'll break completely. It's not as if you can't pay the loony bin bills. I mean dad kills people for money right? Just have him go shoot five people and that's enough to get me a years stay at the best psych hospital you can find," I was so full of sarcasm she usually would have said something about it, but she didn't. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and saw her eyes were wet. "Crying won't do you any good mother," I said bitterly. At that she laughed.

"That's exactly what your father said to me- minus the mother part- when I called him after he had found out I only meant to kill him. It was a dirty trick to tell him I was pregnant, but I've always had a knack for getting things I wanted," she paused. She
laid
down next to me and sighed. "Decklin didn't tell you that he called your dad to tell him what he'd done. He warned us ahead of time so we wouldn't get hurt. I think he realized how much it would have hurt you," she said quietly.

"Oh, well he did a good job of that without killing you," I said harshly, but my heart started going faster. He had regretted it? He didn't want to kill them because of me? He was honest when he told me he loved me? I mentally hit myself. It didn't matter. He hadn't stopped lying to me since we met. I hated people lying to me. I wouldn't put up with it.

"Lillian, that man loves you and if you let him go it'll be the stupidest thing you've ever done. I did not raise a stupid child," she said firmly. I rolled my eyes to look at her.

"What about Brian?" I asked. She sighed.

"He's not stupid Lillian. But right now you're being stupid. Go to him and talk through things. Get everything in the open, if it makes you feel better, beat the shit out of him. Have great make up sex, and be done with it," she said.

"Maybe I'll just go and have sex with him, make it really good so he knows what he's missing, and then walk away from him. I like that idea better," I told her, nodding.

"You'll lose another piece of your heart in the process though Lillian," she said. I shot up and glared at her.

"I have nothing more to lose mom! I've lost my heart! I've lost my friends! I've lost all the trust I put in my family! I lost the one man I gave everything to! I lost
 
everything
. I'm completely broken. If I can get some good sex out of it, why the hell not?" I asked. I stood up from my bed and began pacing.

"Lillian calm down. Don't make any rash decisions. Give the poor boy a chance. He's lost a lot in his life," I stopped and looked at my pleading mother.

"You do realize that you're defending the man whose sole purpose in life has been to kill you, right?" I asked.

"He had good reason. When you grow up in the environment that he did it's not unusual to kill someone out of revenge. In fact, it's quite normal. We have people everywhere. Cops aren't who they seem to be most of the time. They do a great job of covering up murders. Why do you think Decklin didn't get caught when he shot down Rodger in the ally?"

"You knew that creep?" I asked, my eyes wide. "Great. Just great. Everyone knows everyone and I'm out of the loop. Even
 
Brian
 
knew! That's ridiculous. I'm so much better at everything than him. I love him to death, he's my other half, but I got all the skill in anything having to do with shooting and
self defense
. This is all so fucked!" I said, pulling at my hair. I sat back down on my bed before flipping onto my stomach, facedown in the pillows. My mom started to rub my back.

"Go, talk to him. Get things figured out. Even with him threatening our lives like that, your dad and I still like him. He's a good kid, ten times the man his father was. He has true feelings even if he is a little rough around the edges."

"Fine, you're right. I'm going to go see him," I finally said. "And I am not asking dad for permission to go to the city, but I will take a gun now that I know there's a good chance someone's waiting to jump me for a higher place on the mafia social ladder," I got up and began throwing clothes and make up into a bag. I was going to see Decklin
alright
. But I didn't plan on talking.

I'm wishing you were here
My weakness is my fear
Alone I am myself
No reason left for me to care

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Damn Regret Lyrics

Decklin

A month passed.
One long and damn lonely month.
I missed her. I didn't try to call, to be honest I was scared. I didn't want to be rejected. I didn't expect her to forgive me. Maybe I didn't really want her to. I didn't deserve her forgiveness. I should be left to suffocate myself with my regret.

I laid in bed a lot. I didn't do any missions for Frances, he stopped calling after awhile. I barely ate. I took cold showers frequently, seeing as one of my last memories with Lillian was our morning in my bed. I couldn't sleep in my bed, not even after the maid had come by and fixed the tangled sheets. Not even after she washed Lillian's smell off of them. I couldn't do it. I
laid
at my couch, wasting away, watching my ceiling. I couldn't even look out my windows without remembering how beautiful she thought the city was.

So many times I had to stop myself from driving to her little hick town, just to see if I'd catch a glimpse of her. Was she laughing with her loud friend Beth? Was she jogging with her brother after a night of pigging out with her family? Did she go on with life normally? Had she forgiven them? Could she forgive me?

My mind was plagued by thoughts of her. There wasn't even any temptation when Frances sent over one of the
better looking
girls that he knew. She came to my apartment, looking for a good time, and I kicked her out the door. She wasn't Lillian. I didn't want anyone but her. If he could, by some miracle, send her to me I'd be forever indebted. But he couldn't. So I would sit and sulk and waste away to nothing.

Would Lillian come to my funeral? Would she cry over the casket; or would she dance? How many people would be there? Frances would, only out of duty. The rest of the family wouldn't. I was nothing but a
trouble maker
to them, spawn of the devil really. Would I finally be with my mother? Would I see my father and get to beat the shit out of him for what a dirty bastard he was? Both of those sounded good.

Maybe that was the answer. Maybe I should just off myself. Or just go visit Rodger's group. I was pretty sure they were just
laying
low until the perfect time to strike. I laughed bitterly to myself. At that point in time would have been the perfect time. I was weak from lack of nutrition, sleepless nights, and troubled thoughts. They could have got me easily if I ever left my house.

I got up from the couch and went to the bathroom downstairs, I couldn't use the upstairs bathroom either, remembering Lillian covered in bubbles and nothing else. I stood in front of the mirror with my hands on the sink. I looked at myself. I looked…Old. There were circles under my eyes and frown lines, probably only because I was frowning at the moment, I was still too young for lines. I had stubble all over my face. My eyes were dull, looking almost grey instead of blue. My hair was a mess, and not sexy messy like I usually had, no it was just a mess, period.

It was unacceptable. Was I truly going to let a
 
girl
 
ruin my life like that? She may have been the sexiest, funniest, most innocent and loveable woman I ever met, but she was just that: a woman. I angrily stomped out to the living room, pulling out a phone book and ordering some pizza, I was going to start eating again. That done, I stripped off my clothes and took a hot shower for a change, scrubbing my body, washing my hair twice, and shaving my face when I got out. I gelled my hair into the sexy messy fashion and braved the upstairs to get some fresh clothes on. Faded jeans with a belt and a button down shirt tucked into the belt. I put on my best shoes, an expensive watch and a chain around my neck.

By the time I was done the pizza arrived. I didn't understand why all pizza deliverers had to be boys. If it
was
a hot girl I'd probably just tell her I'd pay whatever she missed from work and then some if she'd keep me company. I was all dressed up and had nowhere to go. I sat down with my pizza on the couch and flipped through some channels on TV. Nothing interesting was on so I left it on the history channel. I felt like a loser sitting at home, eating pizza by myself,
watching
the History channel. Come on, who really does that?
Me, obviously.

I tried to keep my anger in check. I was slowly slipping back into my depression mode. I think one of the girls on the history channel looked exactly like Lillian. She had that sort of foreign look with the dark skin and
hair,
the only difference was Lillian had light eyes. Damn, her eyes were beautiful. I stood up and began pacing the length of my apartment. I was slowly driving myself insane.

I wanted to cry. I. Don't. Cry. End of story, I don't cry. I never had, I wasn't about to start then. But I felt the unfamiliar burning in my eyes and started pacing faster. I was almost running back and forth through my house. I needed to go to the gym or something. I needed to do
 
something.
 
But instead I sat down on my couch and- though I hate to admit it- bawled like a baby. It was a foreign sensation to me. But I was
alone,
no one would ever know that Decklin Moretti cried.

Just as I was getting comfortable with that feeling, I heard a knock on the door. I swore loudly, wiping at my eyes as hard as I could. I couldn't hide the redness, but maybe I could pass for hung over or something. I breathed in deep before walking to my door. I didn't even bother looking through the
peep hole
. I opened the door, only barely recognizing who was there before being attacked.

And baby when it's love

If it's not rough

It isn't fun.

Poker Face- Lady Gaga

Lillian.

Before I left for Decklin's I went to go talk to my dad. I needed to know why he'd
lied
to me my whole life, why he told Brian but didn't feel like he should tell me.

I found him in our work out room in the basement. My whole family has always been into staying fit. He was running on the treadmill, listening to music. My dad had a beautiful voice, I could sit and listen to him sing all day. But I really didn't have time for that. He saw me and gave me a hesitant smile, taking his headphones out of his ears. It was weird for my dad being nervous of me approaching him. We had always had a really tight relationship. But for the past month I hadn't spoken to him or anyone else for that matter.

He stopped the treadmill and grabbed a hand towel, wiping the sweat off of his face and taking a swig from his water bottle. I sat down on the bench press seat and he collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily.

"Lillian," he finally said. That was all.

"Why did you never tell me?" No use beating around the bush really. I had a city to go to anyway. He sighed but didn't answer right away. "Dad, I don't have all day. I'm leaving today so if you can please hurry up," I said snappily. His head shot towards me.

"Leaving?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to the city and you aren't going to stop me.
Don't worry
,
I have my gun
. Now, back to the question," I said, crossing my legs and my arms in unison.

"I wanted you to have a normal life. And you've always looked up to me. I didn't want the chance of that changing if you knew I was killing people for a living babe."

"Well why did you tell Brian?"

"Two reasons really.
One, he's way more persistent and nosey than you.
He wouldn't leave me alone until I told him what the phone calls were about. He never gave up. Two, it'll be his job too if he wants it. The men handle the dirty stuff. The women we just like to pamper," he said with a small smile. I didn't smile back.

"I'm better at him than everything dad, I would be so much better at the job than he would," I said stubbornly. He glared.

"Do you want it? Do you really think you could go out killing people all the time? Do you think you'd be able to handle it, if they got the chance, and they were pleading for their lives? Could you look somebody in the eye and kill
them
. It's murder Lillian and I don't want to see you doing it," he said firmly.

"Mom did it," I said pointedly. He sighed.

"Your mom and you are two very different people. You'd be more like me when it came time to kill people.
You'd feel bad
,
you'd hesitate
. That's all it takes; a hesitation and you're dead," he said. I sighed. I really didn't want the job I was just being stubborn. I stood up and he followed suit. I went to him and hugged him around his waist. He kissed my head. "I'm sorry kid," he said quietly. "Be careful, and get that boy back. He's not so bad once you get past all of the plotting to kill the family and stuff," I laughed quietly, though I found no real humor in the situation.