Sweet Obsession (17 page)

Her hand automatically went to her mouth, and she looked horrified, not able to believe what she saw. She stared at me speechless. My body was in shock, and I started shaking uncontrollably as the tears came and I started to cry hysterically. The queen mother frantically came to me and wrapped her arms around me. She pulled me to the bed and held me in her embrace for a while until she saw that my body started to relax.

Neither of us spoke, for words were not necessary at this time. We were both at the same understanding. I was thankful that she did not probe for answers. She was an aristocrat, and she handled herself with grace. I appreciated her at this very moment. She was very comforting and helped me to relax. She soothed my soul with her gentleness. Before she left me, she told me that she knew in her heart that all would be fine. I smiled at her and prayed to God that she was right.

Soon after the queen left my side, I heard the trumpets outside blasting away. I knew the time had come. They were preparing to leave for the war. A cold shiver ran up and down my spine. I automatically ran to the window just in time to witness Shaeena kiss Nidal on the lips. It was a good-bye kiss. It looked as if he did not kiss her back, but it was hard to see for sure from where I stood. The queen was standing next to the princess, wiping her tears as her son kissed her too.

Then Nidal walked toward his horse, and I held my breath. He was about to leave without saying good-bye to me.
Had he stopped loving me so soon? Did I mean nothing to him anymore?
I asked myself these questions, but nevertheless, my heart knew what I had to do. I started to run as fast as I could. I ran from my room, down the corridor, and out the huge double doors. I stopped. I was too late. My prince was already riding away with his horse to join the rest of the warriors.

The tears came pouring down, my heart tightened, and I had never felt as alone as I did at this very moment. I kept staring, hoping against hope that he would turn his head my direction, but he just kept riding away. Shaeena turned and looked at me with contempt, but I ignored her and focused on Nidal.

Just when he was about to join the thousands of the warriors, who were patiently waiting for him on the outskirts of the palace grounds on their horses, he turned his horse around. His eyes searched the grounds until he found me, and his eyes locked with mine. My heart skipped a beat. He looked at me for a few minutes. Then he turned and rode away. I was beside myself with happiness. He turned! He thought of me. He cared.

I knew at that instant that he would return to me. I knew I still had a special place in his heart. I smiled for the first time in a long while. The queen, with tears in her eyes, walked up to me and gave me a reassuring hug. She too thought as I did. I sighed, turned to the queen mother, and hugged her back. From a distance, I saw Shaeena eyes shoot daggers at me, and I just smiled at her sweetly. She had won the battle, but I had won the war, and she knew it. The princess marched to her carriage and jumped in, and off she went without even a good-bye.

The next few days were quiet, thoughtful ones. I took my meals in the privacy of my quarters. Not able to eat much, I just nibbled on enough to keep me alive. I had lost my appetite the day Nidal rode off.

Billal came to my room a few times, and I was astounded to see that he had been left behind.
Isn’t he going to help his country win the war? Is he a coward? What is he doing here?

“My lady,” he said as I opened the door for him to enter.

He bowed and walked inside. I saw the servants down the hall scramble away, like a pack of rats.
Great
, I thought.
Now they will gossip about my new lover
.

“My lady, how have you been faring?” He was smiling from ear to ear. “You look well.” He pulled his chair next to mine and sat in it.

I looked at him in silence, trying to figure him out, and finally, I blurted out, “Why are you here, Billal? Why are you not joining the rest of them to fight for your country?” I asked with disapproval in my voice.

Billal looked at me. He did not understand what I was asking. Clearly, he was measuring my words and took his time responding. “My lady, I was left behind to wait until the king was ready. My men and I will escort him to the waiting place. That might take a day or two.” He waited now for my response. “I was hoping to visit with you until it is time to leave,” he said with hope in his voice.

Well, that answered my question. I wish it had been Nidal who had been left behind instead. Billal noticed my disappointment and tried to comfort me. “I know I’m not Nidal, but I hope you will allow me to entertain you until I leave.” He looked at me for approval. His eyes were wide and glowing.

I sighed once again. “I don’t mind if you visit. It’s just that I will not be good company for you,” I said softly.

Billal just looked at me for a few minutes. “Loula, first I would like to ask for your forgiveness for my most recent behavior,” he begged. “Second, I know you love Nidal and not me. I would like to at least be your friend, your confidant. Please, Loula. Say you will forgive me and allow me your friendship,” he begged desperately.

I considered what he had to offer, and I knew he was sincere. Based upon that conclusion, I accepted his apology and his friendship. And for the next couple of days, Prince Billal came and visited me, and we talked as friends do. He made me laugh. I had no time to feel sorry for myself.

We took strolls in the rose gardens, we went riding to the village and admired the shops, and we even walked all the way to the willow tree where Nidal and I had made love. Billal saw the names that Nidal had carved on the bark of the tree and stood silently for a few minutes just staring down at the green grass. His hands were in his pockets, and he was in deep thought.

When he looked at me, he smiled bitterly. “I envy Nidal. He has everything I want.” He sighed and kicked a pebble, watching it roll away. I kind of felt sorry for him. Billal continued sadly, “I was always jealous of the fact that Nidal is the crown prince, next in line for the throne. Growing up, he was always better than I was. He ran faster than me, and he fought better than me. He even beat me at chess, each and every time,” he said dryly. “I wanted to be him. He was handsomer, and all the ladies of the court preferred him over me! But I never hated him. I loved him. We were always best of friends. We were raised together as brothers,” he admitted, “but all that changed the moment I saw you. It was like love at first sight. I fell deeply in love with you, Loula. I don’t care anymore about anything else. All I want and need is your love.” He looked at me as he said this, making me feel a little uncomfortable.

I saw something in his eyes that I never noticed before. I saw the love he was feeling for me. It was written all over his handsome face. My heart went out to him. I knew firsthand what it felt like when the person you love rejects you, how it could tear you up inside. I felt pity for him. I did not know what to say. I stayed quiet and listened to Billal pour his heart out.

“Your prince can never make you happy. He is a selfish man. He wants you all to himself. That’s not love. That’s obsession! He is obsessed with you. Tell me, Loula. What kind of a life will that be for you? You will be miserable with a man like that!” He tried to convince me that he was right.

He did not know that he was wasting his time with all that he said. I could never stop loving Nidal. No matter what, he was and always would be the man I would love until the day I died. I could never be with another. But somehow I knew that, even if I told this to Billal, he would not listen to me. In a way, he was like Nidal. Once he made up his mind, there was no changing it.

I knew he would not give up trying to win my heart. He was a good man, but my heart belonged to Nidal. I suddenly missed Nidal. Pain tugged at my heart. I wanted Nidal to return home. I placed my face in my hands and sobbed. I cried my heart out.

Billal took me in his arms and stroked my hair. “Loula, I hate seeing you like this. You are crying for the wrong man! Nidal does not deserve you! He says he loves you, yet he slept in Shaeena’s bed!” he spat. “Nidal wants it all! Why do you allow him to treat you so? He goes from your bed to hers! He does not deserve you!” He tried to prove his point. “He does not believe you. He accuses you of sleeping around on him, yet he is the one who is a whore! He is not worthy of your love!” Billal said angrily.

It was true, all of it. I desperately wanted to run away somewhere where I did not have to hear the truth. It hurt to acknowledge everything that Billal said, and to admit that he was right would mean that I would have to admit that Nidal did not love me. It was easier for me to believe otherwise. A pounding headache was forming inside my head.

Billal realized he had gone too far and immediately apologized. “I’m so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. Please forgive me,” he said sincerely as he reached out and pulled me into his arms.

I allowed him to hold me close to him. I needed a hug desperately. I needed it like the fish needed the water.

We walked back to the palace quietly, each in our own thoughts. The sun had set, and the torches were lit and lightened up the pathway to the palace. It was a beautiful, peaceful night. When we reached the stairs that led to the doorway, Billal took my hand to help me up the stairs. We said our good nights, and I went to my room and closed the door. The tears came rolling down. I undressed, washed up, slipped into my nightgown, and crawled into bed. The tears still had not stopped. I cried myself to sleep. It wasn’t the first time, and somehow I knew it would not be the last time either.

Chapter Nine
Loula

A
full week had passed since Nidal’s departure, and this morning would be the day the king and Billal, with the rest of the soldiers who had been left behind, would ride out to meet up with Nidal and his army. My heart was pounding as I dressed quickly and raced out of the bedroom. I had to see Billal before he left. I did not want him to leave without a proper good-bye.

Billal saw me run to him. Smiling, he opened his arms, and I fell into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around me. Everyone watched, including the king and queen. Only the queen understood my actions. The others just stood there openmouthed. But I did not care. Billal and I shared a special friendship. I wanted him to go in peace and return to me healthy and happy. It would be hard for me to step aside and watch him go. He was the second man that I cared about who was leaving for war. I was afraid for his life. I did not know if he would return to me, so I wanted him to go to war peacefully with a clean mind. It would be safer that way. So I stood on my tiptoes and gave him a good-bye kiss. Surprised, Billal took this opportunity and kissed me back passionately, as all the onlookers watched with amusement.

The king rode away and led his men who followed him toward the war. Billal turned and waved wholeheartedly to us. I waved back with tears in my eyes, not knowing if I would ever see him again. After all, they were going to war. When they disappeared from our view, I looked at the queen and noticed she was staring at me. I tensed. She had witnessed everything, and I hoped she did not get the wrong idea.

She smiled at me. “Well, that was very noble of you, sending a man to war with a lot of unspoken promises. It is a good way to bring him home safely. If he has something to look forward to, chances are, he will come running home when all this is over.” She smiled. “But tell me, my dear. What will you tell him when he does come home?” She arched her eyebrow while she waited patiently for me to reply.

“I just want him to have a clear head when he is fighting. I want him to come back to us. He is a fine man, and if he went to fight with a cloudy mind, then it would be very dangerous for him. I’m sorry if I was misunderstood. I am sorry if you are displeased with my actions. But I meant well.” I hoped she believed me.

The queen smiled at me. “I know exactly what you were doing, my dear, and I would have done exactly the same thing if I were you. I know your heart was in the right place,” she assured me. She gave me a warm hug, and together we walked into the palace for brunch.

We ate in silence. Neither one of us was very hungry. We nibbled our food and drank our tea, and when we finished, the queen asked if I would like to accompany her to the rose garden. I politely declined faking a headache and asked to be excused. When I reached my room, I ran inside, tore my clothes off, put on my nightgown, and slipped into bed. Even though it was the middle of the afternoon, I was sleepy. Not having had any real sleep for days, fatigue finally caught up with me, and I fell asleep instantly.

As the days flew by, the queen and I started to worry for our men at war. We did not get any letters stating their whereabouts. It was nearly a month since they had left, and still not one word of their journey had reached us. Every night I went to bed, I cried myself to sleep.

Every day, the queen and I took our meals together. We pretended all was fine as we chatted about things we did not even care about just to take our minds off the war. Every morning and every night, together the queen and I prayed for the well-being of our men and for peace. We wiped away each other’s tears and comforted each other during the really bad days when we felt scared.