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Authors: M.B. Buckner

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He touched Spur’s shoulder
and pointed at his grandmother when the animal looked up at him.  “Get
Uci,” he said softly.  Spur wagged his tail and trotted over to the old
woman.  He shoved his big head into her lap and gently took one of her
hands in his mouth, pulling gently.  She snatched her hand away and Rafe
could tell she was scolding the dog, but then she looked around and spotted
him.  Her brows arched in surprise and he pointed to Jenny’s house. 
She nodded and slowly pushed up out of the chair using the strong bulldog to
steady herself as she stood.  Rafe brought Raale around the back of the
bleachers and the three came together on the back side of the cars, almost at
Jenny’s garage.

Uci’s eyes were on Raale and
Rafe knew that, like him, as soon as she could make out the child’s features,
she knew the child was his.  Her wrinkled face spread into a wide smile.

“Who do we have here?” she
asked politely.

Rafe made the presentation
formally and Uci extended her hand to the child.

“I’ve always wanted a
great-granddaughter that looked just like her father, and now I’ve been blessed
to find one.  Raale, you are a very welcome addition to our family.” 
Uci held the little girls hand while she spoke.

Raale smiled shyly.  “I
neber had a grandmother at all, and now I gots two, but the other one don’t
know ‘bout me yet.  How do you know I’ll be a great grandkid?”

Uci placed her hand over her
joyful heart.  “Oh, sweet Jesus!  Rafe, I need to sit down.”

He released Raale’s hand and
swept Uci up into his arms.  “Can you open that door for me,” he asked his
daughter.  She nodded and hurriedly pushed open the back door to Jenny’s
house.  Rafe carried his grandmother into the house followed closely by
Raale.  He passed through the kitchen and placed her gently on the
couch.  “I’ll get a cold cloth,” he started toward the bathroom, but she
caught his hand.

“No, no.  I’m
fine.  I just need to sit here for a minute and enjoy the sight of this
beautiful child.”  She motioned for Raale to step closer and took her hand
when she did.  “My goodness, you just take my breath away.”

Raale’s heart lurched and
tears began to form in her eyes.  “I’m sorry.”  A note of panic
sounded in the childish plea.  “I didn’t mean to take your breaths. 
I wants to be a great granddaughter, not one dat takes your breaths.”

Uci laughed and pulled the
youngster over to sit on the edge of the couch beside her.  “
You take
my breath
is just an expression.  I was just surprised to learn about
you.  I’m fine.”

Rafe squatted down beside
them.  “She’s fine, Raale.  Honest.”  He thumbed away the first
tears that slipped down her soft cheeks and folded his arms around her.

“But she said I takes her
breaths away.”

Uci chortled again and Rafe
joined in with a soft laugh of his own.  “She just meant that she was so
surprised to see you, and she…forgot to breathe for a second.  She’s
fine.  I promise.”

Raale’s chocolate eyes
searched Uci’s face for a few seconds before she spoke.  “Well I’m glad,”
she said with relief evident in her voice.  “I just gots you and I don’t
want to do anything wrong to hurted you.”

Rafe heard the back door open
and glanced back to see Jenny hurrying into the room.

“Is Uci alright?” She
demanded.  “Rusty said he saw you carry her inside.”  Then her eyes
fell on Raale.

Rafe cut his sister a
frown.  “I’m not talking to you and it may be a long time before I decide
to again.”

Jenny shrugged at Rafe and
smiled at her niece.  “I’m your Aunt Jenny and I’m so happy to finally
meet you Raale.  I’ve heard all about you from your mom.”

“You knows my mom?”

Jenny nodded.  “We’ve
been best friends…forever.”

“She didn’t keep me a secret
from you?”

“No.  She told me all
about you.”  Jenny was already captivated by this child that looked so
much like the brother she’d always loved so much.

Raale looked at her
father.  “I knows why you don’t talks to her nomore.  She’s a secret
keeper, too, huh?”

He nodded.  “Yep.”

The back door opened and
closed again and Russ, carrying Macie, followed closely by Rusty, entered the
room.

After introductions were
made, the room filled with happy voices and Uci quickly recovered her strength.

“I’m ready to go back out to
the arena,” she announced.  “The story I can tell all those old biddies
out there will top anything they’ve heard in years.”

They left the house as a unit
and walked back to the arena, Raale’s hand clasped safely in Rafe’s.

The rest of the afternoon was
a blur.  Rafe mounted his dun roping horse, Dollar, and Russ handed Raale
up to him and the two of them spent the next hour or so riding around outside
the arena.  From their perch aboard the big gelding’s back, they could
watch the action inside the arena and Rafe took great pride in describing it
all to his child, his head bent close to hers, his strong arm pointing as he
explained.

Before he wanted it to
happen, Rafe realized it was time to take Raale home.  He cornered Levi
and asked him to hook up to his trailer and take Dollar and Hammer home.

He promised Uci that he’d
swing back by to get her after he left the Rocking H and with his child safely
buckled into her car seat, he made the return trip to Rance’s house.  When
he arrived, the sun had almost disappeared behind the trees and Mesa was
sitting on the porch in the rocking chair.

She made a point of looking
at her watch as the father and his child walked hand in hand up the
steps.  She hadn’t missed the excited chatter of her daughter as they
approached the house or Rafe’s deep, voice replying to her endless
remarks.  Once on the porch, Raale released Rafe’s hand and rushed into
her mother’s arms.

“Mom, thank you for letting
me go!  It was da bestest fun I eber had.  I rode my dad’s horse with
him and it was great!  And I mets Uci and Aunt Jenny.  She’s a secret
keeper, too, and my dad it’nt speaking to her, but I played with Rusty and
Macie.  And Spur is a giant dog, but he lubs me already!  Where’s
Papa J at?  I needs to tell him ‘bout it, too.”

Mesa returned the excited hug
and then answered Raale’s question.  “I think he’s in the den watching
television.”

Raale started to rush off,
but stopped and turned those big chocolate eyes on Rafe.  “Are you
leaving?”

He nodded.  “Yeah. 
I gotta go get Uci.”

She walked over and lifted
her arms.  He picked her up and held her close against his chest, his
heart feeling like it might explode.  “I’m so glad you’re a part of my
life, Raale,” he said softly.  “I love you.”

“I lub you, too, Daddy,” she
whispered softly at his ear.

Mesa’s heart was
breaking.  How could she have let this happen?  She turned her back
so they wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes.

Reluctantly, Rafe returned
the child to the porch and watched her go to the door.  “Goodnight, Baby
Girl.  I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She nodded.  “Goodnight
Daddy.”

When the door closed Rafe
stood there for a minute and then turned to look at Mesa.  Her back was to
him and he saw her shoulders quivering.  He knew she was crying, but he
didn’t give a damn.  She’d brought this on herself.  He would just
walk back to his truck and let her deal with whatever she was feeling the best
way she could.  But he couldn’t.  He placed a hand on her
shoulders.  “Mesa,” his voice was rough and he didn’t know what else to
say.  Then his arms slipped around her and turned her so her head rested
against his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Rafe,” she
sobbed.  “I never meant to hurt you.”

His hands stroked up and down
her back gently as he held her.  “I know.  Don’t cry.  We don’t
want to upset Raale.”  He wanted to tell her that it was alright, but he
couldn’t.  It didn’t matter what her intentions had been, the decision to
keep his child from him
had
hurt.  Was still hurting.  He
didn’t know if he’d ever forgive her for it.  But somehow, they had to
reach a point where they could share the child that had in some way welded
their lives together forever.  It was not going to be easy.  In fact,
it would be damned hard.  His heart was already beating at an accelerated
pace and feeling her body against his was having a very unsettling effect on
him.

Rafe stood her away from him
and looked at her, his face solemn.  “I can’t do this, Mesa.  I can’t
offer you absolution.  Hell, I can’t even offer you comfort.”  His
voice was deep and rough as he wiped her tears away with his thumb.

“I don’t expect your
forgiveness, but we have to at least be friends for Raale’s sake,” she offered
weakly.

“Friends?”  He couldn’t
completely mask the sarcasm in his voice.  “You want us to be friends?”

She nodded.  “We have to
be.  Raale needs to know that we can share our lives with her in a calm,
friendly way.”

“I can’t be your friend,
Mesa.  I might manage acquaintance, but friends won’t work.”  He
shook his head negatively.  “Something will always get in the way of
that.”

“What?” she asked.

He roughly pulled her against
his body again, one of his hands dropping down to quickly pull her hips up
against his.

She looked up at him as she
recognized the obvious evidence of his arousal, her eyes locking with his.


That
will always get
in the way of our being
friends
.  You understand that, don’t you?”
he growled as he released her and stalked off the porch, climbed in his truck
and drove away.

Mesa stood on the porch
watching his departure, wondering if he even realized her body suffered the
same yearning that he’d revealed to her.

She took a deep breath. 
Maybe friendship was too much to hope for.  Being a single parent was hard
when she was the only parent and now she would need to make accommodations for
him to have time with Raale.  She glanced at the fading dust left in his
wake.  Just being acquaintances might be for the best.

She was almost as exhausted
as Raale, and once the child was tucked in for the night, Mesa relaxed beneath
a steaming shower.  She slipped on a robe and eased downstairs to check on
Jory.  She found him at Rance’s desk, his nose buried in a seed catalog.

“I’m turning in.  It’s
been a very long day,” she said from the door of the den.

He nodded.  “Yeah, me,
too.  I’ll see you in the morning.  Hope you sleep well.”

She smiled.  “I don’t
think I’ll miss the sound of Branson traffic at all.  In fact, if I’m not
here when you get up, I just might start getting up early and joining Bob and
the boys for a few hours.  If coffee is made when you get up, that’s where
I’ll be.”

He nodded again.  “Me’n
Pocahontas might drive in to town and check out the feed stores.  I’d like
to see what veggies grow best locally.  And we’ll pick up enough groceries
for a few days.”

“Night Jory,” she started for
the stairs.

“Mesa,” he spoke softly but
loud enough for her to hear him.  “You were right to let Raale go with
Rafe today.”

“Thanks.  I should have
listened to you when I found out I was pregnant.  I hurt him really bad by
keeping her from him all these years.  I guess I’ve hurt them both.” 
She went up the stairs and to bed, her guilt a heavy burden to bear.

Chapter 6

 

 

The next morning, Mesa was
surprised at how well she had slept.  She dressed quickly, slipping into
jeans and a pair of serviceable tennis shoes.  Boots would be at the top
of her need to purchase list when she went into town again.

Downstairs, she fixed coffee
and ate a piece of toast before she took the shortcut to the barn.  Some
of the cowboys were saddling horses and appeared surprised to see her at the
barn.  Bob made her welcome, explaining that Rance had sent out a list of
chores he knew needed to be done, even if he wasn’t at the ranch to supervise.

Some of the hands were
heading out to move cattle from one pasture into another to prevent
overgrazing, while others had accepted the thankless, never ending job of
checking fences.

“I’d like to help move the
cattle,” Mesa said.  “What horse do you suggest for me?”

Bob grinned.  “Everybody
is riding young horses.  Rance sold the last of the seasoned saddle horses
before he got hurt.  Do you think you’re up to a green colt?”

Mesa swallowed.  “How
green?”  It’d been a few years since she’d ridden on a regular basis.

The wizened old cowboy
glanced at Gibby who was standing nearby.  “They’ve all been ridden a few
times.  Hey, Gibby.  Go tack up that blue roan stud colt for Miss
Mesa to try out.  Put Rance’s old saddle on him.”  He looked back at
the young woman standing in front of him.  “It’d be a good idea to put him
in the round pen for a few minutes.  He gets a little humpy when he’s
first saddled, but he’s got a good mind once he’s topped off.  Probably
the best colt in the bunch.  He’s out of that roan mare that Rance brought
with him when he first came here and his sire is Smooth Move.  It was his
full brother that Rance was ridin’ when he…got hurt.”

Mesa shrugged.  She did
remember that Uncle Rance had brought along a young roan mare that he was very
proud of, when he came to manage the ranch after her father died, but she’d
been away from horses long enough that she didn’t recognize the name of the
sire Bob had mentioned.  She had no idea that Smooth Move was a world
champion roping horse and an AQHA Heading Horse of the Year only a few years
ago.

But it didn’t take many
mornings for her to realize that the blue roan colt with the wide blaze down
the middle of his face was something special.  He was calm, willing and
very athletic.  Mesa enjoyed his easy gaits and his desire to please.

When she visited Uncle Rance
at the hospital, she made sure she told him how much she liked his colt. 
His proud grin was a testament of how much he thought of the animal.

“Yeah, I call him
To
, (doh).  That’s the Lakota word for
blue.  He should make you a really good ranch horse.”  Rance squeezed
the small hand he was holding.  “And for a young stallion, his disposition
is unbelievable.  He’ll make a great stud for our breeding program in a
few years.”

Mesa shook her head
negatively.  “He’s your horse, out of your mare.”

Rance shrugged his
shoulders.  “Doc doesn’t think I have much chance of ridin’ again and if I
ever do, it won’t be on a green colt.”

“Doc doesn’t know you. 
It might take a while, but I have faith in you and I’ve seen that streak of
stubbornness that runs down your middle.”  Mesa lifted the aged hand she
held clasped between hers and brushed the back of his knuckles with her lips
affectionately.  “I’ll keep riding him for you and when you’re ready to
ride again, he’ll be ready for you.”

“Well, you just keep riding
him and we’ll see.  I’ll enjoy seeing him work almost as much as I’d have
enjoyed trainin’ him.  He’s got a good way of movin’ and if he makes half
the horse his sire is, he’ll be one hell of a horse.”  Rance chuckled,
affectionately remembering the colt he’d raised.

Mesa nodded.  “I like
him.  Hey, when does the doctor think you’ll be able to come home?”

He grinned again.  “Next
week.  Doc said he’ll have a therapist come out to the house every day for
a while.  Just to make sure I’m doin’ the exercises they’ve been teachin’
me.”

“I talked to your therapist
on the phone last night and Jory is making space in your office to set up the
equipment he recommended.  Raale is so excited that she’ll finally get to
meet you.”  She rubbed the back of his calloused hand with her thumb
absently as they talked.

Rance nodded.  “I’ll be
glad to see her, too.  I’ll bet she looks like you.”

Mesa shook her head from side
to side.  “She looks just like her father.  So much so, that he knew
as soon as he saw her that she was his.”

One of his grey brows arched
in speculation.  “And that would be?”

“Rafe Storm Horse.  He
wandered into the club in Branson a few years ago.”  She shrugged. 
“I can’t explain it, but it was an intense time.”

Her uncle chuckled. 
“Rafe?  And you didn’t tell him?”

“I should have, but I
didn’t.  He’s crazy about her, but we barely speak.  He probably
won’t ever forgive me for not telling him, and it’s something I’ll just have to
live with.”  She lifted her shoulders in resignation.

“How’re things with your
mother?”

She lifted her shoulders
again.  “I don’t know.  She called Rafe out to the house and tried to
have me thrown off the place before we’d been there more than an hour.  I
showed them the papers my lawyer gave me.  We both threw the past at each
other.  I haven’t seen her since.”

Rance shifted in the
wheelchair that was as close as he’d come to riding anything that allowed him
any kind of mobility in the foreseeable future.  “She’s your mother,
Mesa.  Losing your daddy like she did really knocked her for a loop. 
It took a few years for her to completely stop drinkin’.  She’s been
tryin’ to make some changes in her life, and it’s not easy when you’re older.”

“She needed to make
changes.”  Her voice sounded harsher than she intended.

Rance’s wary brown eyes
looked deep into hers and he lifted one hand to stroke gently across her
cheek.  “That’s how we grow, Songbird.  It’s a part of life.”

Mesa cut her eyes away from
his and looked down at their linked hands.  She was quiet for a minute
before she met his steady eyes again.  “I guess I could make some changes,
too.  Right?”

He grinned but
shrugged.  “You gotta do what you think is right.  But then you have
to live with the choices you make.  Just like Shirley, just like me, just
like everybody else.”

His words gave her a lot to
think about and over the next few days, she did.

She rode
To
each morning.  Sometime in the round pen,
sometime in the training pen, and sometimes out among the cattle.  She
could feel the young horse become a better mount every day.  He learned to
understand her cues and became more confident in his responses to them.

Mesa was excited that Uncle
Rance would be able to come home the next day.  She looked forward to him
settling into the family and knew that in his own home, his recovery would go
faster and hoped it would exceed what the doctors expected.  Uncle Rance
was tough.

Raale was taking a short nap
and Mesa had claimed her favorite chair on the porch with a novel she’d been reading. 
While she rocked, she spotted Jory working in the garden area he’d claimed and
was surprised to see Shirley working at his side.  The two seemed to be
enjoying each other’s company, an occasional laugh drifting from them as a
testimony to their camaraderie and they appeared to work well together. 
Mesa knew it was just a matter of time before Raale made her presence known and
decided she’d have to have a talk with her mother.

After supper, she left Raale
with Jory and walked up to the big house on the hill.  It was strange
knocking on the door of the house she’d lived in for so many years, but she did
and waited patiently until her mother opened the door.

They eyed each other
awkwardly for an uncomfortable few seconds and then Shirley stepped back.

“Come on in.”  She led
Mesa through the huge living room into the kitchen.  “I was just about to
have a glass of tea.  Would you like some?”

Mesa nodded.  “Yes, that
would be nice.”

When the glasses were filled
with ice and tea, Shirley nodded toward the table.  “Have a seat.”

Turning toward the table for
the first time, the younger woman was surprised to see the Bible lying open in
front of the chair that Shirley pulled out to sit in.  It was impossible
to hide her surprise.

“Well,” her mother started
sarcastically, “I do know how to read.”

Mesa’s dark brows
arched.  “I’ve never doubted that, it’s your choice of reading material
that surprised me.”

Shirley shrugged.  “I’ve
even been seen in church occasionally in the last few years and in spite of my
previous declarations, the roof did not cave in.”  She struggled with the
age old inclination to maintain defensive sarcasm during any conversation with
her daughter.  She looked up directly at the daughter who had grown taller
than her, meeting Mesa’s eyes.  “Look, I can admit that my parenting
skills were practically nonexistent, when you were growing up and those that
did exist were usually blurry from the alcohol in my system, but I’ve managed
to quit drinking and I’m seeing a shrink.  I’m trying real hard to turn my
life into something I don’t have to be ashamed of, and that’s not easy. 
It’s a daily struggle, but I’m not asking for forgiveness or special
favors.  I can’t change the past no matter how much I might want to.”

Mesa pulled out her chair and
sat down.  She lifted the glass to her lips and took a long sip.  “I
guess it’s just going to take some time to get used to this, but… you aren’t
the only one who’s made mistakes in life.  We all do.  Jory sometimes
has to remind me of that.”

Shirley smiled as she took
her seat across the table from her child.  “He’s a good man, Mesa, and I’m
glad you’ve had him to depend on these last years.”

“We’ve learned to lean on
each other, and he’s not afraid to jog my memory when I need it.  We’ve
been through some hard times together, but Jory keeps me grounded.”  Mesa
focused her attention on the tree outside the window.

Shirley rolled her glass
around, the ice clinking against the sides.  “I’m relieved to hear you say
that.  I know I was a complete ass the day you arrived.  It was a bad
day for me emotionally.  I was shocked and…angry, but having had some time
to think about it, I want us to be able to get along.”  She couldn’t
remember ever putting her arms around her daughter’s shoulders in a parental
hug and was shamed to face that fact.  She didn’t want to just get
along.  She wanted to become the mother she’d denied her child in the
past.  She looked down at her hand on the glass.  She couldn’t remake
their history.  She’d been awful and Mesa had never had the love that
every child needs.  It was a miracle that she’d turned out as well as she
had.

“Well,” Mesa spoke
hesitantly.  “I’ve made mistakes, too, Mom.  I can’t go back and
change things any more than anyone else can.”

Shirley smiled.  “Jory
told me how you brought him out of the gutter.  I’m glad you’ve had him in
your life.”

The younger woman returned
the smile.  “Me, too.”  She looked into her mother’s eyes.  “You
do understand that we aren’t lovers, don’t you?”

Shirley nodded.  “Yeah. 
It didn’t take him but a minute to straighten that out.”

“Our friendship confuses
people, but it’s their problem, not ours.”  Mesa frowned.  “I do have
to tell you something that might upset you, but all I ask is that you
listen.  When I’m finished, I’ll go back to Uncle Rance’s cabin and let
you decide how you want to deal with it.  Can we agree to that?”  She
recognized dread in her mother’s pale eyes, but after an initial hesitation,
the older woman nodded.

“I have a five year old
daughter.  Her name is Raale and Rafe Storm Horse is her father. 
She’s a great kid.  She’s smart, beautiful, funny and so ready to love the
world that it scares me half to death that I won’t be the parent she
deserves.”  She lifted her hand when she sensed her mother was about to
interrupt her.  “Raale knows you’re her grandmother and is curious, but
she knows you and I have had problems and unless you want a relationship with
her, she’s not expecting one.  But you need to know that she will be
helping Jory in the garden, visiting the horses and cats at the barn.  I
guess I’m telling you that you’ll be seeing her around, but she knows not to
push herself into your life.”

The two women sat quietly for
a few moments.  Then thankful that her mother had listened calmly, Mesa rose
from the table.  “Thanks for the tea, Mom, and for making me feel welcome
in your home today.”

Shirley rose also and
followed her daughter out the back door and onto the porch.  “It’s a
start.  Mesa, when I get to where I can handle it, can I come meet my
granddaughter?”

Mesa nodded.  “Sure, and
I guess you need to know that I’m bringing Uncle Rance home tomorrow.  You
can stop in and visit him, too, if you want to.”

 

^^^

 

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