Swell Foop (24 page)

"But merely feeling pained or disgusted or sad does not necessarily govern what a person does."

"Why are you marrying Breanna?" Cynthia asked.

"Because I love her. But that doesn't mean—" He paused. "Love is an emotion! I am indeed governed by it. Still, I also feel a certain, um, attraction when Metria displays her, shall we say, infernal charms, but I don't act on that."

"Really?" the demoness asked. "I have been holding back, out of deference for the defects of mortals, but—"

"For the whats?" Breanna asked, frowning.

"Imperfections, weaknesses, faults, failings, flaws—"

"Foibles?"

"Whatever. But if I chose to be seriously seductive—"

"Don't bother!" Breanna snapped.

But she was too late. The demoness had already faded her outfit to bra and panties, and Justin's eyeballs had locked into place. Those tiny bits of cloth barely constrained incredibly luscious quivering masses of healthy sculptured flesh. He reached for that divine form, unable to help himself.

Then the vision was cut off by Breanna's body. "Point made, demoness," she said as Justin's eyeballs broke free of their ruts and resumed mobility. "Men are ruled by their emotions. But we women aren't."

"Then why did you intervene?" Metria asked evenly.

"Because it griped me all to bleep to think of my man making out with a vamp like you."

"You were governed by jealousy. That's an emotion."

Breanna stared at her for a moment and a half. "Bleep!"

"Point made," Che said, having the wit not to smile. "Humans are emotional creatures."

"Oh, I could arouse a centaur too, if—"

"Point made!" Cynthia cried, covering Che's eyes before he could see the centaur filly shape that was forming.

"However, the fact that human beings are governed by their emotions does not mean that demons are," Justin said. "Demons really don't have emotions."

"That's what's weird," Metria said. "Suddenly I did have emotions, and if they had been stronger, I think I would have done whatever they wanted."

"That's it!" Sim squawked. "Demons have no experience with emotions, so no experience controlling them. Even a slight emotion might rule a demon."

"Or a Demon," Justin agreed. "I believe we have indeed discovered the key. The Swell Foop generates emotions in demons, and surely has the power to do the same with Demons, thereby governing them."

"That may be the only way a Demon can be controlled," Cynthia said. "They are immaterial beings with such enormous power that no physical constraint could be effective."

"Maybe we'd better wind the Foop back to that setting," Jaylin suggested.

"For sure!" Breanna agreed. "Change it back, Justin."

Justin felt dread. "I don't remember the precise positioning of the Rings," he confessed. "I was changing them randomly."

"For ship's sake!" she exclaimed.

"For what's sake?" Metria inquired.

"Cargo, load, freight—stop that! We've got to get that setting back!"

"We were all participating," Che said. "Surely someone must have tracked the changes."

"I did," Sim squawked.

"Then tell me where the Rings were when Metria had emotions," Justin said.

Sim did, and Justin reset the Rings. "Now we must verify it."

"Just like that?" Jaylin said, surprised as she touched the Foop.

"That's amazing!" Metria exclaimed. "I'm astonished. Astounded. Stupefied!"

"She's surprised," Breanna said. "Maybe for real, this time."

They verified it with several other emotions. Whatever emotion they thought of when touching the Foop, the demoness reflected. They had the setting correct.

"So are you through vivisecting me?" Metria asked. "I have a husband I have to send back into nonsensical bliss, and a son I need to collect."

"You're a family demoness!" Jaylin exclaimed. "Actually, I knew that, but it seems so—so—"

"Incredible?"

"Whatever," Jaylin agreed, forcing a frown. "But I remember now. You have half a soul, so you have to act halfway decent, for a demon."

"It's a pain," Metria agreed. "I got married to satisfy my curiosity, and Demon Professor Grossclout said I was going to get what was coming to me. I thought it was just an empty threat. But when I got half my mortal husband's soul, I became smart too late. Well, I'm off." She popped out.

"But what do we do now?" Cynthia asked.

"We had better ask her," Justin said. "If we can recall her."

"Does the Foop have a distance limit?" Che asked.

"We shall find out," Justin said. He touched the Foop. "Overwhelming need to return," he murmured, focusing on Metria. "Come back to me."

The demoness reappeared. In fact, she was suddenly plastered against him. "We've got to stop meeting this way," she said, kissing him. "I'm overwhelmed." Justin was too startled to protest.

"Wrong motive," Breanna said, annoyed. "Get into your own space."

"But I thought he really needed me."

"Like a cockatrice on his nose, he needs you."

The demoness pried her torso away from Justin's front with a faint sucking sound. "I just couldn't leave you folk like that," she said. "That half soul is really a drag."

"It wasn't your conscience," Justin said, recovering a portion of his equilibrium. The demoness did know how to kiss! "We drew you back with the Foop, because we have another question."

"Oh. I thought you
needed
me."

"I'll bet!" Breanna said ferociously.

"It seems she was required to answer the call," Che said, "but allowed some interpretation in the manner of it. That is generally mischief."

Metria nodded knowingly. "So what's the question?"

"The question," Cynthia repeated, "is what do we do now?"

The demoness looked flattered. It was of course pretense, but an apt emulation. "You mean you actually want my opinion?"

"Strong desire to help," Justin murmured, touching the Foop.

Metria considered. "Now that you have it working, I think you need to go to a higher power. This is capital
D
Demon business. Talk with Demon Xanth." She faded, except for her mouth, which floated across and caught Justin's mouth with another passionate kiss.

"Bleep!" Breanna swore, firing off the blackest of looks. But the mouth was laughing as it dissipated into mist.

Cynthia was nodding. "That does seem good."

"It's
no
good! I'll kiss him better than that."

Justin wasn't sure of that, but knew better than to say so. He loved Breanna, but it was evidently hard for an eighteen-year-long life to compete with the experience of centuries.

"Cynthia means the advice," Che said, his face struggling with an expression.

"I knew that! And that better not be a smile pushing out your muzzle, horseface!"

"It's an expression of disgust at the demoness's crude manners," Cynthia said. But a similar expression was lurking near her own muzzle.

"At least we established that the Foop operates at a distance," Che said.

"How do we talk with the Demon Xanth?" Jaylin asked.

"Invoke him," Sim squawked.

Justin nodded. "Desire to help us," he said, thinking of the Demon Xanth as he touched the Foop.

There was a weird swirl as the scenery shifted. Then the six of them were standing in an elaborate castle courtyard. A lovely young woman with greenish-yellow hair stood before them.

"Do come in," she said. "I am Chlorine. My talent is poisoning water, but I use it only for beneficial purpose. I will speak for Nimby." She turned and led the way into the castle. Justin couldn't help noticing that she had a very interesting walk.

"You notice too much," Breanna muttered darkly. She knew his thoughts just from seeing what he was seeing.

They followed Chlorine, bemused. "Where are we?" Jaylin whispered.

"This is the Nameless Castle," Sim squawked. "Where I was hatched, six years ago. I know it well."

"The Nameless Castle!" Jaylin exclaimed, thrilled. "The one that floats on a cloud?"

"It does indeed," Justin agreed. "Attendance here is by very special invitation only."

They entered a grand chamber. There stood a dragon with diagonal stripes of pastel pink and bilious green, and the head of a donkey: a dragon ass, the silliest of creatures. "This is Nimby, my beloved," Chlorine said. "He prefers to leave the talking to me." She cracked half a smile. "We get along well."

Jaylin was standing next to Justin. "How do we know it's really him, then?"

The donkey head twitched an ear, attracting their attention. Then his eye caught theirs, and seemed to expand enormously. Suddenly the chamber seemed to scintillate with rainbow colors, and the walls of the room faded away, leaving them standing on a medium-sized white cloud. The panoply of the Land of Xanth was passing slowly below them in all its mottled grandeur.

"I believe it," Jaylin breathed, awed. So did Justin.

"You have obtained and activated the Swell Foop," Chlorine said, as the outdoor scene slowly reverted to the original chamber. "You wish to rescue the Demon Earth and preserve gravity in our region of the universe. You need advice on how to proceed." She paused.

"Agreed," Justin said. "It is Cynthia Centaur's mission, and we are assisting her."

Chlorine glanced at Nimby, who twitched an ear. "This is complicated," she said. "We do not know where the Demon Earth is, only that nothing short of an attack by another Demon could have done it. We do not believe that any of the local Demons are responsible. We fear it is a foreign Demon. Therefore this is not a matter that can be settled by local negotiation; it is a system problem." She paused again.

"We have no idea how to proceed," Che said.

"You will have to enlist the support of six of the local Demons," Chlorine said. "Nimby will arrange a conference, but you will have to make the liaison."

"Won't Nimby be with us?" Cynthia asked, clearly daunted.

Chlorine looked at the dragon again, and received another ear twitch. "The Swell Foop is a Xanthly device. Each Demon has such a unit, but this is the one that was activated. Because it is Xanthly, it does not affect Nimby himself, and his participation will therefore not be trusted by other Demons whose participation is essential."

"But we have no idea how to approach Demons," Justin protested. "Especially when we have so little idea what we are doing."

"What you need to understand is that Demons exist solely for status," Chlorine said. "They achieve this by a series of contests with each other, whose rules are agreed in each case and may not be changed or abridged." She smiled. "I came to associate with Nimby as a result of one such contest. He came to me in his present form, spoke to me one time only, and thereafter merely responded to my wishes. I wished for beauty, health, intelligence, and the like. I did not know that in order to win, he had to receive one tear of grief or love for him. In time, thinking him dying, I did shed that tear, and thereafter our reality changed significantly. You must negotiate the terms of some similar contest with the other Demons, in order to enlist their cooperation in your mission. You will not be able to accomplish it without them, and it is doubtful whether you can do so even with them."

Justin's mouth dropped open. "Six Demons—with all their phenomenal powers—might not prevail?"

"That is correct, because we do not know the complete nature of the opposition. It may be that Demon Earth is captive and can be recovered. But it may be that he has already been more severely compromised, in which case the game is lost."

"This is no game!" Justin said, and immediately regretted it. Obviously Nimby and Chlorine knew that; it was merely a figure of speech.

"It is a game to the Demons," Chlorine said evenly. "With the exception of Nimby, none of them care about the fate of life in the universe. Life is an incidental by-product of the gaming process, useful on occasion because of its erratic and seemingly random nature. It is never certain what a living creature will do; therefore wagers can be made on certain outcomes, as was the case when I participated." She smiled. "One completely unanticipated aspect was that Nimby, in his effort to understand me and the human condition better, came to appreciate some of the quirks of it, and to like me personally, for all that I am greatly enhanced over my original state. Hence our subsequent relationship, which is entirely at his convenience. However—"

She was interrupted by the sound of a baby crying. "Oops, Nimmy's awake. I'll be right back." She hurried from the room.

"The stork!" Breanna exclaimed. "The stork delivered! I remember when she learned of that, two years ago. Sure surprised her!"

"That's right," Justin agreed. "That must be a remarkable baby, considering its parentage." For the Demon Xanth had all power in the Land of Xanth, when he chose to exercise it, and could cause the storks to deliver any kind of baby with any magic talent, to any woman. Chlorine had clued him in on appropriate gifts of this nature, and Breanna herself was slated for something special when the time came. That was one reason she was so eager to get married.

Chlorine returned, carrying a glowing bundle. "Folks, meet Nimbus," she said. "His talent will be mixing metaphors, when he learns to speak."

Justin was perplexed. This was a rather ordinary talent, and the baby looked completely unremarkable. How had this happened?

"Isn't that like closing the barn door after the milk's been spilt?" Breanna asked, then did her best to blush. Evidently the baby's proximity had caused her to reflect his talent. "I mean, why not make him a Magician?"

Chlorine smiled. "We decided we wanted the experience of an ordinary child," she said. "I was ordinary at best, and Nimby lacks experience, so this made sense, don't you think?"

"For sure!" Breanna agreed, and the others nodded.

But Justin became aware of something else. The chamber had subtly changed around them, and now resembled the interior of a barn, with a puddle of milk on the floor. He glanced again at Baby Nimbus, and saw that his glow had intensified, fairly lighting the barn.

The others were looking around in wonder, evidently seeing the same thing. "The glow," Cynthia said. "Is it—?"