Swept Away (28 page)

He wasn’t even going to get up to see her out? Lilly blinked back tears and hurried to gather her things. She needed fresh air—and time to sort through what had happened.

The hot water made her skin tingle. Lilly moved under the pulsating showerhead so the stream would cascade from the top of her head, down to her feet—cleansing, refreshing.

Not renewing, though
. Lilly’s tears mingled with the droplets and washed down the drain—like her innocence had the night before.
Why? Why did I do it?
She put her forearms on the ceramic tile and pressed her cheek against its cool surface.

Thirty minutes later, the hot water began to turn cold. Lilly turned off the shower. She still didn’t feel clean—but no shower could fix that. As she toweled off, she stared at the mirror, trying to find the changes. Were they visible on the outside? Would people know?

Lilly pulled the towel tight around her body and made her way to her bedroom, grateful no one else was home. A few minutes later, dressed in her baggiest and warmest sweat suit, Lilly crawled between the thick covers of her bed, curled into a ball, and squeezed her eyes shut.

Just let me sleep for an hour
. Sleep—the only way to escape her thoughts, her regret, her shame.

Please pick up. Please pick up
. Lilly bounced her foot as she sat on the edge of her bed, waiting for the youth pastor’s wife to answer her phone. She rubbed her eyes while she waited, still sleepy from her nap but a little less foggy.

“Hello?”

Oh, thank God..
“Heather? It’s Lilly. Do you have a minute?”

“Sure. What’s up?” It sounded like she shut off a water faucet.

Lilly bit a piece of dry skin off her lip. “I’m not disturbing anything, am I?”

“Nope, just doing dishes—always glad to be pulled away from that.” Heather chuckled. “Come on. Out with it. What’s going on?”

“I did something—actually, Jason and I did something—and now I wish I could undo it, but I can’t.” Lilly started to cry.

“Oh, sweetie. I think I understand what you’re saying.” Heather sighed.

“Yeah. It’s been a rough morning. I took a nap, and I feel somewhat better. But I can’t get past the thought that I can’t fix this. And … what if I’m pregnant?”

“Well, there’s nothing you can do to change that now. You’ll have to wait a few weeks to see. Try not to dwell on that, though. There’s no point … until you know.” Heather was silent for a few seconds. “Have you told your mom?”

“No way!” Lilly saw her wide-eyed, horrified expression in the mirror.

“Lilly, this is big. It’s not like you watched a bad movie or said a swear word—what happened is life changing. You’re going to need some help with this.” Heather cleared her throat. “I really think you should give your mom a chance. Maybe Zach and I could talk to her with you.”

Big mistake calling Heather. “Well, I’ll thinkabout what you said. I have to go now.”

“When you’re ready, I have a group that I’d like to bring you to.” Heather rushed her words. “It’s for girls in situations just like you.”

“Yeah. I’ll think about it. Thanks. Gotta go.” Lilly hung up and stared at the phone. Heather might have been right, but she could never tell Mom about what happened. Why had she even called her? This was private—what if Heather told someone?

Lilly groaned and flopped back on her bed. She pounded her forehead with her fist. How long would she feel this way? She wished she could crawl out of her skin … become someone else … start over. But sadly it was now crystal clear that life had no do-overs. She rolled to the side and clutched her blanket.

A soft knock sounded on her door. “Lill? You in there?”

Great
. Just what she needed. “Yeah. Just a sec.” Lilly jumped off the bed and smoothed her mussed-up hair. She took a deep breath and pasted a grin on her face before opening the door. She breezed right past her bewildered-looking Mom.

“Where are you go–”

“I’m starving—going down to the kitchen,”

Lilly shot over her shoulder as she hurried down the hall. “Want to join me?”
Natural enough, or over the top? Calm down a little
. Too much false energy was as bad as too little.

Mom had already started following—well, waddling—along behind her. “Stan and I just got back from lunch. I brought you a burger and fries.”

“I can see we’re still on the health-food kick,” Lilly teased, hoping it didn’t sound snide. Had Mom noticed a difference in her yet?

“Yeah. Hopefully the junk-food cravings stop when the baby comes.” Mom smiled down at her belly and rubbed in gentle circles. “Only a few more weeks.”

Oh right
. Her shoulders relaxed. She needn’t put on an act to convince them nothing was wrong—they wouldn’t pick up on it even if she dissolved in tears right in front of them. She was invisible.

“Yep. A few more weeks.” Talk about the baby. That would keep Mom distracted. Lilly took the foam carryout container from the refrigerator. “Can you hold out?” She peeked inside, suddenly famished.

Mom poured two glasses of milk while Lilly put her food in the microwave. “I don’t have a whole lot of choice. This little guy will join us when he’s good and ready.”

“Are you nervous about the birth?” It had never crossed Lilly’s mind to wonder about that before.

Mom tilted her head to the side. “Hmm. Nervous? I wouldn’t exactly say that. I mean, I’ve done this before, and I pretty much know what to expect. I’m not looking forward to the pain, though.” She laughed and brought the milk to the table. The chair creaked as Mom fell into it.

Lilly shuddered. “I don’t know if I ever want to have kids.”
Unless I’m already pregnant
. “The idea of knowing how bad it’s going to hurt and that you kind of have to let things happen to you … I mean, the baby’s got to come out…. Ewww.” Lilly squeezed some ketchup onto her burger and into a mound next to the limp french fries. She took a big bite of her juicy burger. “No thanks,” she mumbled through her full mouth.

“Oh, you’ll feel differently about pregnancy and childbirth when you get older. You’ll see.” Mom swiped a fry and folded it into her mouth. “Remember when you used to think Jason was nothing but a gross boy? Things changed, didn’t they?”

Why did she have to bring him up? “Yeah, I guess so.” Lilly’s appetite vanished. She moved the fries around and tried to take another bite. No use. “You want the rest of this, Mom?”

“Um. Sure. But why? I thought you were hungry.” Mom reached across the table and pulled the container to her.

“I was … but not anymore.”

“You
what?”
Jason’s eyes flashed as he stared Lilly down. “You can’t decide to go back to the way things were. It doesn’t work that way, little girl.”

Lilly winced and covered her face with her hands, leaning her head against the brick wall of the school building. “I thought you loved me.” Tears seeped between her fingers, and her shoulders shook. Surely he’d comfort her.

“I thought
you
loved
me
. But now you’re trying to tell me you regret our time together?” Jason glared across the schoolyard as the students filed off their buses. “And you don’t want it to happen again?” He lowered his voice to a hiss. “How can you even say that and expect it to be okay?”

“How can
I?
How can
you?”
Lilly dug in herjacket pocket for a tissue. “You promised that if I got uncomfortable, we’d pull back. How can you be so”—she gestured at his crossed arms and angry facial expression—”mean?”

“I’m not being mean. I’m being realistic. You made your choice. There’s no going back now.” Jason raised his eyebrows. “So what’s it going to be?”

“I don’t even know you.” Lilly sobbed, seeing but ignoring the stares of the students milling all around her.

Jason shrugged and grabbed his bag. He swaggered off to blend into the flow of people entering the building before the start of the school day.

Lilly watched him walk away looking casual, not a care in the world. Jason grinned as a friend approached him, and as they walked through the school entrance, Jason gave his a buddy a fist bump.

Lilly shuddered to think what that was about.

How could such a busy lunchroom feel so empty? Lilly slid a tray along the cafeteria shelf and tried to select something to eat. Her stomach felt hollow, and nothing sounded good. She picked up half of a limp turkey sandwich and a little bowl of vanilla pudding, knowing she wouldn’t eat any. Lilly searched for a seat, carefully keeping her eyes from wandering in the direction of the table where she and Jason used to sit.

In the middle of the room, Samantha Pruitt stood beside a table, waving. “Lilly. Come on over. I saved you a seat.”

Phew
. She hurried over to Sam and slid in beside her. “Thanks. You spared me several moments of agony.”

Sam fingered her sandwich then popped a potato chip into her mouth. “So …” She held up a finger while she finished her bite. “I heard what happened. Are you okay?”

“You heard Jason and I broke up?” Hopefully that’s all she heard.

“Well, yeah. But there are stories about the weekend floating around.” Sam winced. “I hate being the bearer of bad news.”

Ugh. Seriously?
Three hours into the school day and news of the biggest mistake of her life was already being whispered up and down the hallways? “I don’t even want to know. I’d rather crawl into a hole.” Lilly put her head in her hands. “I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. Ever.”

“It’ll pass. Sooner than you think. But are you okay?” Sam’s eyebrows knitted together.

“Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, I’m exhausted. Emotionally—I’m destroyed. Any other questions?” Lilly dropped her head onto the table. “I can’t believe he spread this around already.”

Sam exhaled heavily. “Okay. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I think it might help.” She took a sip of her Mountain Dew. “This summer I spent a month at my grandparents’ house in West Virginia. I met some people and even dated this one guy, Chad. To make a long story short, I ended up having sex with him a week before I was due to head home.”

Lilly’s mouth dropped open. “Really? Did you regret doing it?”

“Oh yeah, totally. I think about that night all the time and wish I could take it back. But, as you know, it’s too late.” Sam shrugged.

“So what happened with Chad? Did you stay in touch?”

Sam shook her head. “Sadly, no. He turned out to be a deadbeat.” She rolled her eyes and munched on another chip. “He bragged about his ‘conquest’ to all of his friends. Kind of like that.” Sam gestured across the room to Jason who perched on a lunch table with five guys standing around, practically drooling over whatever he said. “Turned out he had a girlfriend who had been out of town at
her
grandparents’ house while I was in town.”

“Wow. That’s terrible.” Lilly lifted a spoonful of pudding and then watched it plop back into her bowl. “Guys are jerks.”

“Some of them are.” Sam’s lip curled up in disgust as she surveyed the male options in the lunchroom. “We can only hope they get better with age.”