Take Me Now (4 page)
I’m supposed to meet with Ivy in an hour at the garden center but I need time to regroup first. The sight of her kissing that guy Will from the movie theater—I can’t get it out of my head. It kills me to think she’s with that asshole. I only met him once at a planning meeting for the film festival and he came off as an arrogant prick, too good for his surroundings. I hate guys like him. They’re all talk and no action. They want to live the good life at the expense of everyone else without putting in the hard work to achieve it. And now, he’s playing with the heart of the girl I can’t stop thinking about.
I halt in my tracks. I’m in the cemetery, halfway to Cassidy’s grave. I usually come here when I’m upset and there’s a problem I can’t figure out on my own. I talk it out with her and then I feel better about things. But how can I talk to Cassidy about Ivy? It seems like the worst kind of betrayal. I know she’d encourage me to move on and be happy, but it’s too soon. This situation with Ivy came out of nowhere. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t seek it. It just happened.
I pick up my pace, careful not to step on any of the headstones. This is sacred ground. There’s a hushed sort of reverence about it. I like to think that the spirits of the dead perk up when they sense the living among them. It’s sort of a comfort that they might still be watching out for us, waiting for us to visit and converse with them.
I arrive where Cassidy is buried, and for the first time in a long time, I choke up a little. I miss her so much. If she had stayed, I wouldn’t be going through all of these conflicting emotions. Life would be simple. I would be married to her. We would be raising our child together. We’d be a family. I wouldn’t be left all alone, struggling for some sense of security. I would belong somewhere. I’d have a place in this world.
No one else is around but I feel so exposed, so vulnerable. I haven’t given myself permission to go down this road in a while. It’s too hard. It dredges up too much. If only Cassidy’s cancer diagnosis were made before she got pregnant. If only she’d survived long enough for the baby to be born. But all of this second guessing is getting me nowhere. It won’t bring them back. Nothing will.
I built our house not far from the garden center. It’s full of windows to let in the natural light. It’s where we were going to grow old together with two matching rocking chairs on the front porch, the whole nine yards. But now the house feels so empty. I’m like a shadow living among the ghosts of what might have been. I can’t even bring myself to enter the room we designated as the nursery. All of my hopes and dreams were shattered by the time I was twenty-two. When most people are embarking on their life journeys, mine came to an abrupt halt before it had the chance to begin.
I can’t take my eyes away from the ceramic picture adorning Cassidy’s tombstone. The kindness of her smile—I won’t see the like of again. There was never a time when she wasn’t a part of my life. She lived at the end of my block, and throughout our childhood we would spend every waking moment together. We were friends long before we were lovers. I never dated anyone else but I waited until she was ready. It wasn’t until our junior prom that we finally confessed our feelings for each other. She looked so beautiful in that lavender dress. I couldn’t comprehend that someone like her could ever feel the same way about someone like me. But when she unbuttoned my shirt and lay down beside me, I felt her love for me in every kiss, every touch, every movement. We gave ourselves to each other and it was better than I’d ever imagined it could be.
The only time we were ever separated was when I graduated early from college and got to work setting up the business and getting our house under construction. It was only for a semester, and we were to be married in the fall but things didn’t work out that way. I was caught up trying to manage more than I could handle. After a few weeks apart, she returned home in February for a visit. It was Valentine’s Day, and I drove her over to see the house for the first time. She was so overwhelmed as I guided her through the wooden frame. Surprising her, I led her into what was to be our bedroom with a space heater fired up and an arrangement of blankets and sleeping bags spread across the floor.
It was a mild evening for the middle of winter, with the temperature hovering in the upper forties, but I still shivered when she undressed before me. She had become extremely thin but I chalked it up to stress and my not being there to take care of her. I swore to myself then that as soon as she was done with school I was going to make sure that she had everything she needed. I hated to see her so overburdened, and I wanted to alleviate what she was enduring on my behalf. Being apart from me wasn’t agreeing with her, and she had cried herself to sleep in her apartment as I cradled the phone next to my ear hundreds of miles away. We just had to get through the time apart before we could resume our life together.
That night turned out to be significant in more ways than one. I didn’t realize it then but that Valentine’s Day marked the beginning of the end. About the middle of March, Cassidy called me, clearly ecstatic. She was pregnant, and while the timing wasn’t exactly ideal, I couldn’t be happier. I was going to be a father. Everything I’d ever wanted in my life was falling into place. I was on top of the world.
Nothing could keep me away from Cassidy. I had to see her, hold her, tell her how much I loved her. But fate intervened when a massive snowstorm blanketed the area. The interstates were closed and there was no way I could get to her. With phone lines down, I wasn’t able to contact her for a few days. She was experiencing a hardness in her left breast, and on a follow-up appointment to the OB-GYN, she brought it to the doctor’s attention. Cassidy thought it was simply the result of her changing body, but it turned out to be something much more serious. After a series of tests, it was discovered that she had stage four breast cancer that had spread to her lungs, liver, and spleen.
Instead of staying in the city where she could receive the best care possible, she wanted to come home so she could be closer to me. I argued with her on the phone to remain where she was. I would come to her. But she wouldn’t budge. She said that, since she was refusing to undergo the radiation treatments for the sake of the baby, it made no difference where she spent the remainder of her pregnancy. She honestly thought she’d be strong enough to ride it out. Little did she realize, her body had already been breaking down.
People in the community got wind of what was going on and they did everything they could to help. They held a variety of fundraisers from spaghetti dinners to car washes to alleviate the burden of Cassidy’s medical expenses. She was a college student with limited health insurance. She didn’t have a full-time job with benefits, and the dollar signs started to rack up. The media picked up the story of the young mother sacrificing her life for the sake of her unborn child and ran with it. We were even featured on the national news as Cassidy neared the end.
It was shortly after the Fourth of July when Cassidy’s body gave out. The baby was roughly at twenty weeks, too premature to survive outside the womb. When Cassidy took her last breath, she took our baby with her. There was nothing to be done. She tried her hardest to give our child a fighting chance, but the cancer had spread too quickly. It was too much for her, even though she gave it everything she had.
The media besieged me when they learned of her death. I had just lost my best friend, my soul mate, the person I had spent the last twenty-two years of my life with. I didn’t know how to function without her. The world became a foreign and hostile place. I didn’t understand how the sun could keep on rising and setting when she wasn’t there to witness it.
For eight months, I took refuge in the house I was building for her. I shut myself off from civilization and went to work creating the home I had always wanted to give her. My parents would drop off food and clean clothes. Jack shut down the garden center for the winter. I escaped into my solitude with what little money I had saved and existed on next to nothing throughout those bleak and mournful months.
I grew a beard. I ate pork and beans out of the can. I sawed and hammered and painted through those long, lonely nights. When I kept busy, I could keep the pain at bay. It was only when I stopped that it would overwhelm me. I scraped my knuckles raw from pounding my fists against the stone fireplace, not even stopping when I began to bleed. I screamed in anguish at the top of my lungs but no one could hear me. I snuggled in the blankets where we had conceived our child, desperate to feel her touch against my skin. But she was gone. She wasn’t coming back.
With the arrival of spring, I was out of funds. Whether I wanted to or not, I had to go back to work or I would lose everything. I had too much invested in the garden center to let it fail. I wasn’t ready to face people but I had no choice. I emerged from my isolation, fully expecting to be hounded by my friends and neighbors. And they came to buy flowers and shrubs and fertilizer, but they didn’t poke and prod into my personal affairs. They gave me my space and respected my privacy, something I never thought they’d do.
Thanks to their support, my business was flourishing even if every other aspect of my life was in shambles. I threw myself into fulfilling the needs of every customer who walked through my door because I couldn’t fulfill my own. I stayed late and got there early. I lived for my job and nothing else. One day, a customer whose dog had had a litter of puppies offered to sell me Shep, and I happily took him up on the offer. Companionship of the four-legged variety was all I required. The life I wanted to live was over. I had to make do with what little I had left.
Things were going just fine until Ivy stumbled down the path in front of my place. I hadn’t even looked at a woman in two years. I was capable of holding my own. I didn’t need anyone else in my life. I liked my situation the way it was—no need to change it. I was able to cope, managing everything without anyone else to help me. Until she showed up and made me realize just how much I was kidding myself.
And now she’s dating some other guy. I didn’t even have a chance to win her over. She’s already with someone else. Someone more handsome, more exciting than I’ll ever be. I can’t say that I blame her. What girl in her right mind would want me with all my baggage? She probably thinks I’m just looking for a stand-in for my dead fiancée. That I’m searching for a replacement for the one true love of my life.
And I have to take a good, hard look at the matter and ask myself if that’s not exactly what I’m doing. Am I trying to rekindle something that’s long gone? Can I find happiness again with someone else? It’s nice to paint a cozy picture in my mind of coming home after a hard day’s work and finding Ivy there waiting for me. After enduring so much heartache and tragedy, it’d be comforting to know that there’s a happy ending somewhere out there for me. I just have to go get it.
Laying a hand against the cold stone, I caress the image of Cassidy’s face. I’ll never let her go, not completely. She’ll always be a part of me, but it’s time to move on. I have someone worth fighting for in the here and now. I can’t stay chained to the memories of my past. I have to break free and claim some bit of happiness for myself. It’s what she’d want me to do. After all we’ve gone through together, I owe it to her to gather my courage and try again.
“Wish me luck, Cassidy.” I tap the tombstone in good measure before walking away. Life took so much from the two of us. It’s about time I started trying to get some of it back. And if Ivy will have me, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that beautiful smile never leaves her face.
Nervous butterflies fill my stomach as my car crawls along the bumpy path leading to Eric’s house. At the last minute, he left a message on my extension, asking if I could meet him here instead of the garden center. The switch in venue is a tad perplexing, especially since he requested that the focus of the interview remain on his business and not on him. But I’m willing to oblige. I’m still mortified that he saw Will and me kissing. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much. I should be leaping for joy that I finally got what I’d been dreaming of instead I feel numb, empty even, like I kissed my prince but he remained a toad.
I hit the brakes, even though I’m only going ten miles per hour, when I catch a glimpse of Shep running in front of my car. I place a hand over my rapidly beating heart to steady its rhythm. I nearly killed Eric’s dog—not my idea on how to begin what is sure to be a strained meeting between the two of us. Sure, he destroyed my best pair of shoes, but I still love the furry guy.
As the house comes into view, my jaw is literally in my lap. It’s gorgeous. The landscaping alone is enough to take one’s breath away. There’s a manmade waterfall leading up the embankment to the front porch with a tiny pond filled with lily pads and exotic flowers. The knotty pine paneling gives the whole place a welcoming vibe. It makes me want to leap out of my car and run inside to explore every nook and cranny. All of the details are perfect, from the stone chimney to the stained glass window in the front door. Nestled against the forest, it’s like something out of a fairy tale.
I’m so taken with the house that I forget to take my foot off the brake and I sit idling in the driveway. Eric must have been watching for me through the window because it’s not long before the door opens and he comes out to greet me. Shep goes back inside and I’m left alone to face the master of the house.
My anxiety level increases as I turn off the ignition and step out of the car. I purposely dressed down for the interview, thinking we’d be strolling through his greenhouse, getting our hands dirty among the flowerbeds. So I’m a little taken aback when he emerges wearing a freshly ironed pair of khaki pants and a button down shirt. I’ve never seen him like this, and I pause to drink in his appearance. I’m used to him rugged and casual but boy, does he clean up well.
“Shep’s disappointed you didn’t bring him another pair of heels to chew on, but I like your choice of footwear much better.” He gives me a wink when he notices I’m wearing the clogs he gave me. I thought it’d be a nice touch but now it seems more intimate than I intended, especially being alone with him in this secluded spot just a few feet away from where he sleeps.
“Yeah, I thought it was appropriate considering the occasion.” I can’t help but smile back at him. I’ve never felt uneasy around him before, but now it feels different being near him, like there’s more going on than what’s being said.
“I thought I’d have you come up to the house so you can see some of my best work.” I’m not sure if he can tell I was blatantly checking him out just a second ago but he doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, I think he did it for my benefit and now I don’t know what to think. If he’s been secretly dating Lauren for a while, then why is he making a play for my attention? It’s kind of disheartening, actually. He duped me into believing he was a better guy than that.
“So you still want the focus of the article to be on your business even though you’re inviting me into your inner sanctum?” I purposely keep a hint of a tease in my voice even though I’m ultimately confused by his motives.
“I was thinking about it and I’m willing to offer you a compromise.” I’m all ears as we peer into the pond, gazing at the brightly colored koi fish darting around beneath the surface. “I’m ready to answer any questions you may have for me, even those of a more personal nature. The only stipulation I have is that you let me read a draft of your story before you submit it to Lauren. If I feel comfortable enough with what you’ve written, I’ll give you the go ahead to proceed. If I change my mind, you agree to scrap it and write one dealing solely with the garden center.”
“Wow, that’s really generous of you, Eric.” My mind is racing through all of the possible scenarios as to why he decided to open up to me while keeping Lauren in the dark. Does she already know everything he’s about to tell me? She is his girlfriend after all. I’m sure she’s familiar with all of the details. She hasn’t gone public with anything he might have told her, so why doesn’t he trust her with reading the first draft? Something else is going on here and I’m going to find out what it is. I am a reporter after all, and this scoop has the potential to change my life.
“Yeah, I thought it was about time I got certain things off my chest.” His biceps are straining against the fabric of his shirt but I can’t bring myself to look at how it accentuates his lean torso. My flaming cheeks are sure to give me away. But he must have purchased the shirt a while ago because it’s a style more suited for a man with a slimmer frame, not one with his muscular build. And I can’t help comparing him alongside Will. Eric is a man’s man. He exudes masculinity from every pore. Yet his eyes are soft when he looks at me, like he wants to envelop me in their depths. Where Will is so stylized, he’s almost too perfect. His whole appearance is designed to be flawless, like he’s ready for a high definition close-up at any moment. Will can be so intimidating in his demeanor—he draws you in while keeping you out.
“So where would you like to start?” I get the ball rolling as Eric offers me a seat on one of the matching rocking chairs adorning the front porch. On the accompanying table is a pitcher of lemonade and he pours me a glass as he contemplates my question.
“I’m still ambivalent about the whole personal angle but if I’m going to go there, let’s go all the way. Why don’t you ask me things that a dating web site would be interested in?” He takes a sip of lemonade and reclines back in his chair, trying to gauge my reaction to such a complete turnaround. If he’s putting feelers out to try to find Ms. Right, then why’s he with Lauren?
“Okay.” I rub my forehead to assuage the beginnings of what is sure to be a killer headache. “Let’s start at the beginning. Are you comfortable with my use of a recorder?”
“As long as you’ll be the only one listening to it, yes.” That sounds so much sexier than I’m sure he intended. I can picture myself alone in bed with his voice filtering through my earbuds, describing what qualities he’s seeking in the ideal woman. I’m not sure I can look him in the eye as I ask him these questions. I’m feeling hot and bothered all of a sudden. Wherever this is leading is turning me on, big time.
“Would you describe yourself as single?”
“Yes.”
“You’re not in any kind of committed relationship?”
“No.”
I want to ask him about Lauren but I chicken out. Whatever they have together, he doesn’t think it’s serious. She’d go on the warpath if she knew that and I’m not going to be the one to tell her.
“What traits are most important to you in a woman?”
“A kind smile. A willingness to speak her mind. A passion for life. Sensible footwear.”
I can’t help it. My eyes dart over to his after that last remark. Is this whole thing a rouse to hit on me? Is that what he’s doing? My feminine instincts are kicking in, and although Will just kissed me an hour ago, I’m tempted to play along. Eric is in such a different place in his life. He has his own business. He’s a homeowner. He’s twenty-four. Compared to me, I’m an unpaid intern who lives in a dorm room with one year of college left to go. What could he possibly see in me?
“What would you describe as the perfect date?”
“Well, let’s see. I guess it’d be a stormy night with the rain tumbling down the roof and splashing up against the windows. We’d relax in our sweats or pajamas or whatever in front of the TV, watching old movies and eating popcorn. We’d be curled up in front of the fire, and I’d kiss her whenever a blast of thunder would rattle the foundation. But before things went too far, I’d go upstairs and run a bubble bath surrounded by candles. I’d call out to her, and she’d come looking for me only to find me already waiting in the tub. She’d take off her clothes, letting me watch until she was completely naked. I’d start to rise out of the water to go to her but she’d push me back among the suds as she joined me. Do you need me to go on?”
I cross my ankles as a surge of heat hits between my legs. I’m virtually panting at the picture he’s painting. Who knew he had such a vivid imagination? And I’m the one who’s supposed to be the writer? He’s well aware that he’s got me all flustered. But I’m determined to be daring. Eric is offering me something Will never could. Here is a man who knows what it’s like to lose the one he loved. He realizes how precious life really is. He’s not employing me in some grand scheme to conquer the world. Maybe he hasn’t even been with a woman since Cassidy. It’s possible he’s only ever been with Cassidy. Maybe he’s ready to try something new.
“Yes, go on.” I click off the recorder and stand up from the chair. His eyes widen in amazement as I softly lower myself onto his lap. I can feel him against me as the chair continues to rock. He stares at me before burying his hands in my hair then his lips crush against mine. This isn’t a kiss that’s meant to be on display, not like Will’s. It’s full of desire and need and hunger. He slides his hands under my shirt, cupping my breasts with his palms. His hands aren’t smooth. They’re callused and rough as they run across my delicate skin, but it just urges my arousal even more as I caress the stubble across his jawline. He refuses to release my lips, but I’m desperate for air as I arch my back, breaking our kiss.
It’s then that I hear a car rolling across the gravel. Eric hastily pulls down my shirt to cover me up. I’m horrified to have to turn around and face whoever it is. Eric kisses the tip of my nose before whispering that it’ll be okay. Reluctantly, he hoists me off his lap, his strong hands encircling my waist. His touch lingers like he doesn’t want to relinquish his hold on me. I wish we could continue where this was going but it’s too late now. We’ve been caught.
With no other option, I straighten my knees and set one clog in front of the other. But there are no words to describe what I’m seeing. The scenario is too unfathomable. Eric rises behind me and I hear him gasp in disbelief.
“I bought you a tie for the gala, Eric. I thought you might like to try it on.”
It’s Lauren.
