Take My Hand (22 page)

“Don’t you
want me to go with you?” I asked, sounding like a whining and clingy cow. He
sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. Then I felt guilty. I was
being selfish. “I’m sorry. I understand. Honest I do. I’ll just miss you that’s
all.” I tried desperately to sound convincing but the slight pout which had
formed on my lips wouldn’t seem to budge.

“Of course
I want you with me. You know how much you mean to me, doll. I just didn’t want
you missing out on anything here because of me. But you’re right – I will
need you. I
always
need you, even
when I don’t think I do.”

“Soooo…
I’m coming?” I pressed, managing to refrain from sounding excited. Someone was
dying for crying out loud. But the thought of seeing where Dexter grew up
– where he came from, getting an insight into his past… it filled my
belly with the most delightful flutters.

“
If
I have to go,” he said, emphasising
the word ‘if’, “then yeah. I guess you’re coming.” He winked at me and then
enfolded me into his arms, squeezing me tightly against him. “We’ll have to get
you a visa sorted and shit just in case. Do you have a passport?”

“Um, yeah…
somewhere.” My parents had taken me on an annual holiday to Corfu every year
since I was six. They’d leave me in the kid’s club all day while they got
wrecked on expensive wine, until I was old enough to entertain myself and then
I’d walk the beach or window shop every day. I wracked my brain for clues as to
where I might’ve left it but then gave up after a few seconds deciding I’d need
to ask Rachel.

“Are you
close? You and this friend?” I asked, knowing that it was insignificant. He
obviously cared about him to need to travel all the way back home to say his
goodbyes.

“Once upon
a time. Yes. We were,” he said gravely. Then, as if in an attempt to scatter
the thought away he shook his head. “I’d best get back out there. I’ll catch up
with you on my break though, ‘kay?”

“You
better.”

After a
final hug and a kiss that passed too quickly, Dexter led me back out front and
I walked straight over to Rachel’s table.

Dexter

 
Fuck
.

I never
anticipated that Emily would want to come home with me. It wasn’t until she
said she’d miss me that it hit me how much I’d miss her too. So now she’s
coming with me, and even if by some miracle it turns out I don’t have to leave
as soon as I thought, the time will come eventually.

I’m losing her.

I need to tell Emily.
I need to explain – warn her before we leave. I just have absolutely no
idea how the fuck I’m supposed to do it. Or when…

I’ll decide
tomorrow.

Or the day
after.

But I’ll tell
her. Aunt Sarah’s right – I
have
to.

“I’ve cleared
it with Mick and I’m knocking off early tonight,” I told Emily when I joined
her table for my break. “Your place or mine?”

“Yours,”
Snickers interjected. “The last thing I want is to listen to you two going at
it all night.” Raising my eyebrow at Emily, she smiled coyly – confirmation
that she’d filled Snickers in on our night together. I mentally fist-punched
the air, feeling altogether smug and more than a little proud. She must have
enjoyed it if she couldn’t wait to tell her friend. “Yeah, that’s right,
American. I know
all
about your
little piercings.”

“Rachel!” Emily
admonished. I laughed quietly to myself, amused at the sight of Emily’s cheeks
going from milky-white to tomato-red in under a second.

“What?” she
retorted defensively. “No point in pretending he wasn’t a man-whore before he
met you, Ho. Most the girls in this town have probably had dalliances with
those rings. And let’s not even get started on the slags from across the pond…”
Emily’s face dropped and I squeezed her knee reassuringly under the table. I
get Snickers’ sense of humor, but as Emily’s best friend she should know when
she’s gone too far.

“Sorry,” she
muttered when she found herself on the receiving end of my death glare. “I’m
just teasing, Ho. You know what I’m like.” Emily smiled, seeming appeased with
Snickers response. But a look of sadness lingered slightly in her eyes and I
knew then my past was something she felt uncomfortable with. All I could do was
hope she didn’t for one second think of comparing herself to any of the women
I’ve been with. Because in my mind there is
no
comparison, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving that
to her.

“So, American,
how ‘bout getting us more drinks?” Snickers commanded, waving her empty glass
from side to side.

“I’m on a
break,” I deadpanned. “Yo, Jared!” I hollered across to the bar, getting his
attention. Throwing a dishcloth over his shoulder he sauntered over to us.
“Snickers here would like a refill,” I told him on his approach. He nodded once
and turned back around before he’d fully reached the table.

“Why do you
call me that?” she asked, sounding confused and maybe even a little pissed. “I
have a name.”

“So do I,” I
replied, quick as anything.

“Touché,” she
agreed. “But… you
are
American. So
what’s your excuse?”

“
You’re
fucking nuts,” I told her with a
straight face.

“Fuck you,
arsehole!” she snapped playfully.

“See?”

“Now now,
children,” Emily interrupted. “Don’t make me bang your heads together.”
Snickers’ and I chuckled and shook our heads before looking to Emily and apologizing
insincerely in unison.

When Jared
re-appeared with Snickers’ drink I sat with them while she downed it before
completing the last half-hour of my shift behind the bar. By the time I was
finished up for the night Snickers had already left - something to do with an
art project involving yogurt pots – and Emily sat alone in the corner
with a contemplative look on her face.

“You okay?” I
asked, tossing my leather jacket over my shoulder.

“I’m perfect,”
she beamed, making everything right in the world with her breath-taking smile.

“Come on, doll.
Let’s get you to bed.” Winking, I draped an arm over her shoulder and led her
outside towards her car, deciding I’d pick my bike up in the morning after my
run.

**********

My cell started
ringing at 6 AM and my heart stopped beating before I’d even checked the
screen. It’s been three weeks since Aunt Sarah called to tell me I might need
to head home soon, and every day since I’ve anxiously waited for the call
confirming it.

“Hello?” I
answered gruffly, still half asleep as I peeled my body off Emily’s and headed
out into the living room.

“It’s time, honey.
She’s deteriorating.”

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

“Dexter?” Aunt
Sarah pressed. It was only then I realized I hadn’t responded.

“I’m here,” I
choked out. “How long do I have?”

“You really
need to think about coming as soon as you can. The doctor’s aren’t sure. Could
be a few days… a few weeks. But you need to be here, Dex. It feels like she’s
waiting for you.”

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

“She doesn’t
know what’s happening though, honey, remember that. She’s not scared or in any
pain.”

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

“Dexter?”
Emily’s voice snapped me back into reality and I spun around to face her.
“Dexter what is it?” she pressed, panic flooding her voice as she rested a hand
on my shoulder.

“I have to go.
I’ll arrange a flight as soon as I can.”

“Is that Emily?
You’re bringing her with you right?”

“I don’t know,”
I lied. I hadn’t planned that far ahead yet and I still didn’t know if I was
going to introduce them, or take the cowards way out and lie through my
worthless teeth to both of them.

“You need her,
Dex. You
have
told her right?”

“Sure,” I lied.
“I’ve really gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

“Take care, honey.”

“Dexter what is
it?” Emily urged.

“That trip
home? We need to leave soon. Tonight.” She swallowed forcefully and buried her
head in my chest.

“I’m so sorry,
Dex,” she consoled. “How long does he have left?”

“I-I’m not
sure,” I stuttered, taken aback by the word ‘he’. Emily hasn’t pushed me to
talk about my ‘friend’ and because I’m a jackass I haven’t volunteered any
information. I was starting to panic. I felt overwhelmed and out of my depth.
In the coming days I was either going to have to lie to the most important
person in my life or I was going to have to tell her the truth. Either way I
risked losing her.

I couldn’t lose
them both.

“You’re
crying,” Emily noticed, wiping a lone tear from my cheek.

“S-sorry,” I
spluttered, coughing exaggeratedly.

“Don’t be. He must
mean a lot to you.” Whenever I think the guilt chained to my heart can’t get
any heavier, it always manages to pull me down a little further. She wouldn’t
feel sorry for me… not if she knew. In that moment, for the briefest of
seconds, I wished I’d never met Emily. I wished I’d never allowed myself to
believe I could stop myself from destroying her. I wished more than anything,
I’d been strong enough to stay away…

“I can’t lose
you,” I blurted as a stream of tears cascaded down my face.

“Hey.” She placed
a flattened hand along my cheek and rose on her tiptoes until her eyes met
mine. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here for you, Dexter. You know
that.” As I squeezed my overflowing eyes closed and cradled her tightly to me
like I needed her for air, I wished with all my heart I could believe her.

Emily

“
Now
this
counts as number fourteen,” Rachel
said as I continued to toss things into my suitcase.

“This
isn’t reckless, Rach. He needs me.”

“But it’s
almost Christmas,” she pouted. “And all for some friend he’s never even
mentioned.” I flashed her a disapproving look which conveyed how insensitive I
found that comment. “I’ll just miss you, that’s all.” Giving up on my packing I
walked over to her, bent down behind her and threw my hands over her shoulders.

“I’ll miss
you too. But I’ll probably be back for Christmas, and even if I’m not, you’ll
be with your family. You’ll be too busy to miss me.”

“It won’t
be the same and you know it. You
always
come
over Christmas day. It’s tradition. And Christmas is all about tradition.” It’s
also tradition for me to be sitting bored and ignored at the dinner table while
my parents entertained their posh friends. That’s one tradition I planned to
miss anyway this year. I hadn’t told Rachel yet, but I planned to stay here
with Dexter this year.

“I’m
sorry, Rach. But I have to go. And I know you understand why because you love
me.”

“Damn
straight I do. That’s why I’m so pissed off about it.” Smiling against her hair
I kissed the top of her head. “I think I need a new piercing to get over it.
What do you think?”

“Don’t use
me as your excuse,” I said jokingly. “Where you gonna get this time?”

“Not
decided. Maybe my tongue again. I think it looks mint when you have two.”

“That’s a
bad idea just before Christmas. You don’t want to be slurping soup while
everyone else is chowing down on turkey and roast potatoes.”

“Hmm.
You’re right. My lip then. Or maybe I’ll just get another tattoo.”

“You
should get my name. It’ll remind you to miss me,” I teased.

“I won’t
need reminding, Ho,” she answered seriously, making my heart stutter. “Here.
Let me help you.” I moved back around her and smiled gratefully as she started
folding the clothes I’d laid out on the bed. It was 2 PM and we were leaving
for the airport in four hours. Thankfully I’d found my passport but I still had
to finish packing and nip into work to sign an unpaid holidays request due to
the short notice. I was too worried about Dexter to consider the impact the
lack of money would have on my return, but I’m sure I’ll find plenty of time to
stress about that soon enough.

**********

Dexter
arrived in a taxi with his suitcase trailing behind him and I was surprised to
see Jared jumping out of the other side of the car.

“Wanted to
say goodbye apparently,” Dexter said, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he
leaned in for a kiss. “But we both know he and Snickers have probably got plans
to secret fuck all the time we’re gone,” he whispered into my ear when Jared
had passed us in the doorway.

I laughed
because even though I didn’t think that was true – Rachel would’ve told
me – it was only a matter of time. One day last week Rachel got herself
in a three-day strop, shouting at anyone who dared to look at her. Her excuse
was lack of sleep from trying to finish up her latest art project, but we all
knew it was because Jared slept with some random girl the night before. Well,
everyone except
Jared
knew it at
least.

“This
cab’s gonna take us to the airport,” Dexter announced, sending me into a flying
panic.

“But I’m
not ready!” I said in a fluster. “I thought we still had half an hour!”

“You’re
ready, Ho,” Rachel interrupted as she wheeled up behind me. “Your case is
packed, your jacket’s over there and your handbag is here,” she said, passing
me my brown leather over-the-shoulder bag. “No point in drawing it out any
longer eh?” she added glumly, her eyes turning ever so slightly red around the
edges.

“I’ll text
you every day,” I declared, bending down for the tightest hug ever invented.

“Can’t.
Breathe,” she choked out. I released my grip a little but still held her,
swaying the top half of her body from side to side. “You better look after my
girl, American,” she ordered firmly, glaring in Dexter’s direction.

“Always,”
he replied confidently. “And you’ll look after my boy?” he mocked, nodding his
head towards Jared.

“Get
fucked, dickhead,” Jared spat.

“I’ll miss
you too, baby.”

“Right, go
on… go before I start crying. Don’t want these nob-jockey’s thinking I’ve got
feelings and all that shit,” Rachel interjected, her voice wobbling a little.

“Love you,
Rach. Bye, Jared.” I gave them both a goodbye smile in turn.

“Love you,
Jared. Bye, Snickers.” Dexter said, mirroring my sad tone. Jared flipped him
his middle finger and Rachel offered him the ‘wanker’ sign. It was in that
moment I realised just how much I’d miss these guys and I felt tears begin to
scratch at the back of my eyes.

“Jesus
Christ, you’ll be back in a couple of weeks!” Jared blared, feigning
exasperation. “Anyone’d think someone had bloody died!”

“Fuckin
hell, Jared. If I could move my legs you’d be getting a swift kick in the balls
right now you dumbarse.”

“Shit.
Yeah. Sorry, mate,” he mumbled, looking to the ground like he wished it would
swallow him whole.

“No
worries, man,” Dexter assured. “Catch you guys soon.” Dexter took my hand and
led me quickly towards the waiting taxi. I wheeled my case behind me with my
free hand and when we reached the boot of the black cab, Dexter took it from me
and tossed it inside.

“Bye!” I
yelled, waving enthusiastically towards the front door where Rachel and Jared
were still waiting.

“Take
care, Ho!” Rachel called back.

“What she
said!” Jared added.

Climbing
into the back of the car while Dexter held the door open for me I waved a final
goodbye. Then he jogged to the other side of the car and settled in beside me,
squeezing my hand before turning to the driver.

“Heathrow
airport please.”

**********

Dexter and I split the airfare and seeing as none of us are
millionaires, we only paid for standard travel. That’s why I was amazed at just
how different ‘standard’ is classed when travelling to America compared to
Europe. Unbelievably, my legs had room to
actually
move and there was even enough space behind me to recline my seat. I’d
never travelled further than the Canary Islands before but usually, even though
the seats on budget airlines have levers to relax them backwards, you’re not
actually allowed to do it.

We were plied with food and drinks –
free
food and drinks – from the second the plane steadied
itself in the air and every seat had its own personal flat-screen TV in front
of it. I read for a while after taking off – falling in love with Rush
Finlay all over again - but then I spent the majority of the seven hour flight
fiddling with the fancy gadgets and making a hefty dent in the plane’s food
supply, whereas Dexter seemed altogether less impressed and ended up sleeping
most of the way. I suppose he’s made this trip before though – the
novelty’s probably worn off.

Dexter’s whole demeanour changed the minute we hit the tarmac at
Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. His posture became rigid and he was
quiet and withdrawn. He blamed it on the jetlag but I knew he was anxious about
seeing his friend. If he was fit and well the last time they saw one another he
was bound to be nervous about what to expect.

I’m likening it to my nanna – my dad’s mum. She died of lung
cancer when I was twelve and in the last few weeks of her life she was so weak,
so frail. She started to get confused and at some points didn’t even seem like
my nanna anymore. And as far as I’m concerned, all these people who tell you
dead people look ‘at peace’ or ‘like they’re asleep’ – they’re talking
crap. My nanna looked... well she looked
dead
.
She looked rubbery – like a plasticine model, and had the most miserable,
almost disgusted frown on her face.

So yeah, I don’t blame Dexter for being nervous. It’s never easy seeing
someone you care about like that.

I was exhausted by the time we passed through baggage control, given
that in my head it was 3 AM Thursday morning despite my watch saying 11 PM
Wednesday night. Dexter didn’t have any family left in Ohio so he’d checked us
into a small hotel. And yes – small equals cheap. But still, it had a
bed, shower, toilet and kettle so what more could you need?

Our room had a small balcony and once we’d laid our luggage down and I’d
kicked my shoes off I took a moment to lean against the railing, to welcome the
crisp air across my tired face and to absorb the vast array of twinkling
buildings below us. Don’t tell anyone but I had a little moment just then. When
I was little I was obsessed with the movie Dirty Dancing and I used to dream
about going to America one day and being swept off my feet by my very own Johnny
Castle. Every Sunday morning whilst my dad was off playing golf and my mum was
busy hosting brunch for her fancy friends, I would lock myself in my bedroom
and teach myself all the moves. I’d use everything as my dancing partner
– the wardrobe door, the windowsill, the curtain…

Everything about this country always enticed me. It was where the magic
happened. Where the movie stars lived. Where people’s dreams came true.
Obviously now I’m older I realise people lead the same lives and have the same
struggles wherever they live in the world, but there’s still something a little
dreamlike lingering in the air that I was breathing right now.

So yeah, even though I felt selfish because of the reason we were here,
I had a moment. A moment where I wanted to squeal and jump up and down because
here I was in America – the place my childhood self always ran away to in
my imagination – and when I looked around I had my very own, even
hotter,
version of Patrick Swayze. I
wonder if Dexter can dance? If not, I’ve watched that movie so many times I
know every move (and word and song) off by heart, so maybe I could teach him!

“Thank you for being with me,” Dexter said, sneaking up behind me and
twisting his arms around my waist.

“I
wanted
to come. You know
that,” I replied, angling my head to the side so he could bury his face in my
neck.

“I don’t just mean today… or here. I mean for
being
with me. Period. For… for believing in me.” His words pounded
into my heart. He sounded so… so sad. So lost.

“It’ll be okay, Dex,” I assured, spinning myself round to face him. “I
know this is going to be hard but you’ll get through it.” What else could I
say? I didn’t know his friend. I didn’t even know what was wrong with him. I
felt useless. All I could do was hold him and hope that was enough. “When are
you going to see him?”

“Tomorrow. First thing,” he said sombrely. “I, um… I’d rather go alone
if… well if you don’t mind?” he stuttered. Grief was such an all-consuming,
soul-destroying emotion and to watch the man I loved more than anyone or
anything in this world grappling with it was heart breaking.

“Of course not. I’m here whenever or for whatever you need.” I stroked
his stubbled cheek with the back of my hand before rising on my tiptoes to kiss
his soft lips. They quivered slightly when I gently ran my tongue across them and
when I opened my eyes I noticed his were squeezed tightly closed. He was
fighting tears. He was trying to be strong. “You don’t have to be brave in
front of me, Dexter. I’m the one person you can always fall apart on.”

And with that, he pulled me tightly into his chest, smoothing my hair
down my back with his hand. Then his whole body began to shudder, and he sobbed
violently into my shoulder.

**********

I woke up to the familiar, and welcome, smell of McDonald’s sausage and
pancakes. Dexter had been out while I was still sleeping and woke me up when he
got back by rustling the delicious smelling paper bag under my nose. I thanked
him with a yawn/smile/mmm sound, before sitting up against the chipped wooden
headboard and patting my knees for him to hand me the goods.

“You know exactly how to treat a girl,” I said after swallowing my first
bite of pancake. Dexter forced a weak smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “What
time are you leaving?” I asked, knowing the cause of his dejection.

“Soon. Just wanted to see you before I went.” I wiped the grease from my
hand on the bed sheet and then rested it on his knee, squeezing it
encouragingly.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Remember I’m just on the other end of the phone if
you need me.” He nodded slowly and then we sat in contemplative silence while I
finished my breakfast. I noticed Dexter didn’t get himself anything to eat
which made me feel somewhat guilty, yet also grateful that he thought about
taking care of me. “I’m going to take a shower, then I might go and explore for
a while.”

“Sure, doll. I’ll probably be gone by the time you get out. I’ll call
you when I get back if you’re not here.” Climbing onto my knees I leaned over,
took his face in my hands and kissed him softly.