Take What You Want (12 page)

He was going to do this. He had to.

Nodding to himself, he crossed the room and hauled the drawer open. He grabbed the letters and paged through them just once before tucking them into the side pocket of his bag. Light as they were, they seemed to double the duffle’s weight.

“Your father’s waiting!”

“I know, I know, I’m coming.”

Before he could talk himself out of it, he closed the drawer and turned his back to the room. He patted the side of his bag and bounded up the stairs. His mom was standing at the top of them, and he leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

“Play nice with your father this weekend.”

“No promises.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “At least promise me you won’t start anything?”

He ruffled her hair. “I love you, Mom.”

Sighing in exasperation, she opened the door for him and held it as he headed out. The sun was still low on the horizon, and Josh shook his head. He really preferred not to see this time of day, but he wasn’t the one calling the shots on this trip.

He stopped that train of thought right in its tracks. He could call the shots if he wanted to.

This was his life. His trip. His chance to be who he wanted to be.

He’d tell his dad everything. He’d stay calm while he did it, but he’d be firm and in control.

And then he’d come home. He’d find Ellen and he’d tell her everything. And he’d ask for even more.

He picked up his pace as he rounded to the back of the SUV where his dad already had the hatch up. He tossed in his bag. After taking just a second to check that he had his phone and wallet and toothbrush, he reached up to shut the back.

His fingers had just closed around the metal lip of the hatch when the early morning silence was broken by the sound of an engine. He craned his neck to look. Once he recognized the car as Ellen’s, his heart took off in his chest, a furious pounding of blood in his ears. She pulled into the turnaround, next to his car, and had the door open before the engine could even quiet.

And it was just like that first night. She wasn’t dressed as provocatively, no, and far from looking at him like a stranger, her gaze settled on him with a fierceness that reached to the core of him, as if she recognized a part of him in a way no one ever had before. There was that same determination to her, that same drive. She knew what she wanted, and damn it all, she was going to take it.

He’d never seen anything sexier in his life.

“Josh? Were you expecting—?”

Josh cut his dad off with a curt, “No,” then slammed the hatch down and turned to face the woman striding across the lawn to him. Even from half the length of the driveway away, the air crackled, and he wanted nothing more than to close the space between them. His feet refused to move, though, and even if they had…

There were words that needed to be said, but not here. Not before he was in charge of his own life, and
definitely
not someplace where his dad could hear.

He coughed and fought to find his voice. “Ellen, what are you—”

She stopped a foot away, chin set, hands on hips. “I want more.”

“Ellen—” He cast a glance over his shoulder at the inside of the car, at his dad tapping impatient fingers against the wheel.

She demanded his attention with a hand on his chin, a firm grip pulling him back to her. She spoke quietly, clearly aware they were being observed, but with an intensity that belied her hushed tone. “I feel things for you I’ve never felt. I feel…
alive
for once. Like I can be exactly who I want to be.” She dropped her hand to press her palm against his chest. “And I want more.” Lowering her voice even further, eyes burning, she insisted, “I want you in my bed and in my life and…everything. No matter where you’re going, we can make this work. Phone calls or visits or—”

“Ellen. I know.” He placed his hand over hers, his throat burning as he confessed. “I want that, too.”

“But there are things I need to tell you. You have to promise you’ll hear me out, but I swear, I never meant to lie to you. But you just—you have to know.”

Her eyes were darting between his, her voice rising with every word, and her breathing was fast. Josh felt the same panic rising up in him. He’d all but asked her last night not to tell him, to wait until he felt like he could confess all of his lies, too. She’d given in then, but he should have known her spirit wouldn’t lie down for long.

Before she could get another word out, the engine of the SUV turned over. Josh darted his gaze over his shoulder to see his dad’s head hanging out the window, his hand waving for him to wrap this up.

“Please.” Ellen squeezed his hand. “Just a few minutes. I need to tell you—”

It was a split-second decision. He had to go. He
wanted
to go.

And he wanted to let her off the hook.

“I know,” he said, voice as strong as he felt. A weight lifted off his shoulders, and he let go of her hand to cup her face. “I
know
.”

“What—”

“I know everything. Who you are and what you’ve been doing. I’ve known all along.”

Her face went ashen, and her hand fell away from his chest. “How—”

He gripped her face more tightly, forcing her gaze to his. “And it doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you.” Behind him, his father revved the engine, and he leaned forward to press his forehead to hers. “I still think you’re amazing. And I want more, too. But there are things I need to tell you.”

Her eyes were glassy, her smile cracking, but with his last words, confusion furrowed her brow. “I don’t understand.”

“You will,” he promised. “When I get back, I’ll tell you everything. Give me…” He glanced over his shoulder again, then closed his eyes and turned to her. “Just give me a couple of days. And I’ll come back to you, and I’ll tell you everything. Just know…” He echoed the very words she’d spoken to him. “Just know I never meant to lie to you.”

His father’s voice rang out through the quiet. “Josh! Come on. Let’s go.”

“One minute,” Josh growled. He opened his eyes and moved his hands to rest on the tops of Ellen’s shoulders. Speaking just above a whisper, he asked, “Can you be patient? For just a little longer?”

“Yes.” She nodded. Her resolve was still firmly in place as she stared up at him. “And whatever you have to say…” She touched his cheek. “It won’t change how I feel about you either.”

Unable to resist for another second, he pressed his lips to hers and kissed her with everything he’d been holding back. All the things he was holding back still. With tongues and teeth and the heat of his mouth, he told her all of it.

And he told her his fears, too. “I hope that’s true,” he murmured against her mouth, the tiniest slivers of doubt opening up inside.

She didn’t let them live long. With her kiss, she closed them up. Pulling her lips from his, she stepped away, her whole being radiating a strength he would take with him. A strength he’d never let go of. She touched her fingers to her lips and held them out toward him. “Come back to me soon.”

“I will.”

She retreated a few steps farther, arm dropping as she gripped her own elbows behind her back. Josh made his way to the passenger side of his father’s car without taking his eyes off her. He wrenched the door open and slid inside.

“About time,” his dad said gruffly, throwing the car into gear.

“Yeah,” Josh agreed, watching Ellen through the window as they drove away. “Yeah, it was.”

For the second time in twenty-four hours, Ellen watched Josh leave. She kept her brave face on, but inside, she was just as wrecked.

He
knew
. He knew everything, he’d said, and he’d known it all along.

She absently smiled and waved and kept her eyes on the retreating taillights of his father’s car, trying to conceive of it. Every moment they’d spent together passed through her mind, memories of strange looks and hesitations, all of them infused with new meaning. Memories of him saying yes to her.

He’d come willingly to her bed, knowing she was lying in his face. Chased her down at work and introduced her to his family.

And he’d had lies of his own.

She shivered and crossed her arms over her chest. It had been so easy to say that whatever he needed to tell her wouldn’t matter, but the second thoughts were coming fast and furious now. The deep warmth in her chest told her she wouldn’t take it back, though. She still trusted him.

The way she felt about him… It was too new to name, too tender and too tentative. But it was real. She couldn’t deny that now.

The car turned the corner, and Ellen let out a rough exhale, her posture slumping. Alone on his lawn with the sun barely risen in the sky, she stared off into space at a future that wasn’t quite as hazy as it had been the night before.

He wanted more. He’d be back soon.

And he
knew
.

Behind her, the door creaked on its hinges, and Ellen started, whipping around. Josh’s mother stepped out onto the front porch, looking just as elegant as the last time. She gave Ellen a soft smile before heading down the path toward her. Ellen drew herself up to her full height and squared her shoulders, bracing herself.

His mother stopped beside her, a quiet presence there in the dawn. After a long moment, she spoke. “You aren’t going to break my son’s heart, are you?”

Ellen swallowed and turned her head to look at the older woman at her side. There was a twinkle in her eye.

“What?” she said, nudging Ellen’s shoulder with her own. “It sounds better than asking what your intentions are, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. I guess it does.” She tightened her fingers around her arms, mind racing. “And no. No, I don’t plan to.”

“Good.” She stayed silent for a moment before lowering her voice and continuing, “He really likes you, you know.”

“He does?” It wasn’t a surprise, but still to hear it, so unexpectedly, and from his mother, no less…

“Very much. The other night, he was so nervous, asking his father and me to behave.” She clucked her tongue, the corner of her mouth twitching up before flattening down into a line. “My son… He’s the kind of boy who knows what he wants, deep down. But actually telling people, that’s something else entirely. He’s so afraid to disappoint them.”

Ellen thought about his continued reticence about medical school. And then she thought about his reticence around her. Something in her chest tightened.

“Sounds like Josh, all right.”

“Little does he know, the people who love him could never be disappointed by him just being himself.”

The words hung between them for a long minute. The sun rose higher in the sky, and a beam of it broke above the line of trees, shining light down on the two of them.

Ellen broke the silence, stepping back and turning. “I should go. I have to, um, get to work and—”

Josh’s mom waved her off. “Do what you need to do. I hope we see you again soon.”

It was a split-second decision. Before she could stop herself, Ellen opened her mouth and confessed, “I’m not just a waitress, you know.”

The older woman chuckled and reached out to brush her hand across Ellen’s arm. “Oh, sweetheart. You won’t disappoint me by being exactly who you are, either.”

With that, she turned and walked back toward the house. It took Ellen a few seconds to snap out of it. As Josh’s mom waved goodbye from the porch, Ellen lifted her hand, too, then retreated to her car. Once inside, she started up the engine and kicked the car into reverse.

She headed home, and back toward a world that was about to return to normal.

But she felt anything but.

Chapter Nine

Sunday

The sun was already up by the time Josh pushed back the flap of the tent and emerged out into the cool morning air. He yawned and ruffled his hair, ran his hand along the stubble on his chin. As he stood, he cracked his spine and winced.

“Morning,” his dad said. He was sitting in one of the collapsible chairs set up around the fire pit, a book in his hand.
He
didn’t look any worse for spending the night on the ground.

“Morning.”

“There’s coffee.”

Thank God.
Josh mumbled his thanks and headed over to join him. He poured himself a cup and grabbed a granola bar from the stash before sinking down into the other chair. He ate and drank in peace for a few minutes, staring off into space.

Uncomfortable as these camping trips could be, both physically and conversationally, there was something about the silence and the green. He felt like he could really breathe.

Then his dad had to open his mouth. Shutting the book, he slapped it against his thigh. “Thinking we’ll pack up, then fit in a few hours at the lake before we have to head back.”

Josh nodded. “Sounds good.”

Just sitting there reading for another hour sounded even better, but chances were his dad had already been up for at least that long. He finished up his breakfast while his dad started dismantling the tent. When he was done, Josh joined him, rolling up sleeping bags and gathering the rest of their stuff. As he threw his duffle into the back of the car, he hesitated, though. Looking around to make sure his dad was distracted, he fished the papers out of the side compartment and stuffed them into the inside pocket of his fleece.