Taking Flight (18 page)

But kissing her now was leaving me a little confused about what it was
she
wanted. We were in a car at a red light; this wasn’t about to go anywhere. She wasn’t kissing me because she wanted to hook up right now; she was kissing me because she liked me. And I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, to be liked. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been liked before.

She pulled away when a car horn blared from behind us, and I sank back in my seat, my heart hammering unpleasantly in my chest as she maneuvered the car forward again. I swallowed hard as my instincts began to let me know how I felt: this was bad. I’d wanted Maddie to be my home away from home, but this was new and unfamiliar and the exact
opposite
of what I’d thought it’d be. We were on what felt like a date and now she was kissing me like she wanted to be my girlfriend.

We drove in silence, tension building, and she finally cleared her throat and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“No,” I cut her off, embarrassed. “It’s okay. It was nice.”

She glanced over at me. “Really?”

“Yeah. Of course,” I said. “Kissing a cute girl’s always nice.”

There was another long silence after that, and I sensed I’d said something wrong. Eventually, we pulled up to the party and parked near the curb of a nearby street. I let out a sigh, trying to ease some of the tension in my body as the audible bass from the house rumbled in my chest.

“You ready?” I asked Maddie, who offered me an obviously forced smile and a nod.

“When you are,” she agreed, and together, we got out of her car and made our way toward her cousin’s front yard.

Chapter Twelve

The house was packed with people, and even more arrived after Maddie and I were already inside. I scanned the crowd for Fiona or Nate and, after having no success finding them, pushed my way into the kitchen, where the alcohol was being kept. Maddie stayed with me, but when I offered her a drink, she shook her head.

“I’m driving,” she reminded me, and I didn’t argue. I just thought, inwardly, that had she been Caitlyn, she would’ve accepted the drink. And for a moment, I wished she
was
Caitlyn. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been with a girl without both of us drinking first, which I know sounds awful, but it was mostly only due to the fact that I always met girls at clubs or parties.

Still, I accepted Maddie’s answer and took her hand to lead her into another crowded room. “Are you looking for Cammie, or for the friends you had me text the address?” she asked. “I know this house if you need help navigating.”

“The other friends,” I told her. “Fiona Lawson and Nate Davis.”

“Oh, you know them?” she looked surprised, but not unpleasantly so.

“I’m surprised you do,” I said.

“They’ve been dating for years, I think,” she told me unnecessarily. “Fiona’s in one of my classes. They’ve always seemed really nice.”

“I eat lunch with them.” I scanned the crowd in the new room and spotted Fiona and Nate in the corner. I guessed Nate was driving, because Fiona had a drink and he didn’t. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering for the first time if Caitlyn and I were the ones with the weird drinking routine. She liked to do it at the beginning of the night because she’d be sober by the end of the night. I thought that was a thing people did.

I led Maddie to Fiona and Nate, who lit up when they saw us. “Hey!” Fiona greeted a little too loudly, and I grinned at her. “Can you
please
convince Nate to dance with me?”

“I’m not a good dancer,” Nate deflected, and then changed the subject. “So I didn’t know you two were friends.” He smiled at Maddie in a way that relieved me. Maddie was openly gay, but they didn’t seem to care. I’d chosen the right lunch table to sit at.

“We’re in the same Physics class,” Maddie told him.

“He actually
can
dance,” Fiona cut in. “He’s just too embarrassed to be seen with me because he thinks I won’t be any good at it.” She took a sip of her drink and shot him a knowing look. “You know, I should challenge you to a dance-off one day, Nate Davis.”

“Okay, I so need to get on your level,” I declared, and tipped my drink back to down it all in one fell swoop. I saw Nate and Maddie exchange disbelieving looks.

“You look like you’ve done that before,” Nate said.

“More than a few times,” I agreed, grinning. Maddie tapped me on the shoulder.

“Hey, I’ve gotta use the bathroom. Do you need to? We should probably go in pairs.”

“I do,” Fiona told her, and handed her drink to Nate. “Mind if I come?” she asked me.

“Oh, no problem. You guys can go; I’m fine.”

They left me alone with Nate, and I shot him a grin. “She’s fun when she’s buzzed.”

“Maybe for you, but I’m taking care of her tonight,” he said.

“Then she’s in good hands. You should dance with her.”

“Nah. I’m fine with watching other people make fools of themselves.”

His eyes moved to the crowd in the center of the room, and I followed his gaze. Most of the people dancing seemed to have paired off, and there was some dubstep song with a heavy bass playing, leaving a constant buzzing feeling within my chest. I remembered, abruptly, that Cammie had claimed to be a good dancer, and searched the crowd for her.

She was there, pressed against Peter with her back against his front, his hands on her waist as she tilted her head to the side so that her neck was exposed. I watched him kiss down it as she raised her hands to tangle them in his hair and pull his head lower, and I couldn’t look away.

Nate seemed to know who I was watching, because a moment later, he leaned over and said, “Yeah, and you wonder where she gets the reputation from, right?”

“Reputation,” I echoed, eyebrows furrowing. The alcohol was beginning to hit me, and I couldn’t quite remember what he was referring to.

“The slutty one,” he clarified, and I swallowed hard. “They say her parents think she’s an angel too. But you’d know more about whether that’s true or not than me. Do you two even actually get along?”

I was saved from answering by the return of Fiona and Maddie. Fiona had a new drink in her hand, now, so I took her old one from Nate and sipped from it as we hung out in the corner for a little while. I felt antsy; I wanted to dance with someone.

“Okay,” I finally declared, tilting my head toward the crowd. “We’re all going, c’mon. Nate, you too.”

Fiona laughed and nodded her agreement, moving behind him and then pushing him toward the crowd as Maddie and I led the way. We forced our way in and then let ourselves be jostled by the crowd until we found some space to move around. Fiona and Nate naturally drifted together after a minute, and I found myself moving closer to Maddie. She offered me a smile, but I could sense something was off with her.

I leaned into her and asked, “Are you okay?”

She nodded simply, and I let out a sigh. She wasn’t okay.

“Let’s go talk,” I declared, and pulled her away from the crowd before she could argue.

We detoured through the kitchen, where I grabbed another drink, and then wound our way through the house until I found the backdoor, which led to a deck that was completely deserted. I tugged Maddie outside and then closed the door behind us. I sipped from my cup as I faced her, then set it aside.

“What’s wrong? You aren’t having fun.”

“I’m fine,” she sighed. “I just… tried one of these parties my freshman year, and it wasn’t really my thing.”

“What happened?” I asked her. “Whatever it was, I can make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

She crossed her arms and looked away from me. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I just can’t.” She shot me an accusatory look. “I thought you wanted to have fun with your friends. You should just go back and dance, or whatever. Grind on a random.”

“Okay, I’m a little confused,” I said, finding it hard to think clearly. “Why are you mad?”

“I’m not mad.”

“Seriously? God, this is why I hate getting to know girls,” I said. “Just stop being passive aggressive and say what’s on your mind.”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “Gee, thanks, Lauren.” She took a step closer to me. “You know what? Fine. I’m not upset because we’re at a party, even though I didn’t want to come here. I’m
upset
because of what happened in the car. I’m not here to play games, okay? Do you like me or not?”

“Of course I like you,” I told her. “You’re pretty, smart, funny, easy to talk to… what’s not to like? It’s seriously that simple for me.”

She let out a deep breath, and I could see the anger disappearing from her gaze. This time, I knew I’d said the right thing. “Don’t overthink it,” I insisted. “We like each other, right? So what’s the problem?”

“Okay,” she said quietly, and glanced to the backdoor. No one inside seemed to have even noticed us yet. “Okay,” she repeated, and then caught me off-guard by stepping into me to kiss me again.

It progressed quickly this time, now that we were out of a cramped car and had more time alone. I was tipsy and turned on and kissing a girl against the side of a house at a party, and I grinned against Maddie’s lips, feeling more like myself than I had in months.
This
was what I’d been waiting for.

She linked her hands behind my neck as we kissed, and I pressed my hips into hers, my hands on her waist as our kisses grew deeper and deeper.

She pulled away first, long after I’d lost track of time, and moved her hand to cup my cheek as her thumb caressed the skin there. I dropped my head and kissed her neck, and her head rolled to the side. I heard her breath catch, and I murmured, “We should just go back to your house.”

Instantly, she froze, and I felt her body tense against mine. I pulled away, confused. Had I screwed up again?

Her eyes searched mine intently, her eyebrows furrowed, and then, abruptly, she moved away from me. I sighed, exhausted. We’d done another 180.

“Why?” she asked, her tone clipped.

I colored. “Um.” And I couldn’t really think of anything else to say. The reason seemed kind of obvious, honestly.

“Really? You want to go home with me. Right now?” She laughed suddenly, more at herself than at me, I think, and then shook her head in disbelief. “Wow,” she deadpanned. “I am
such
an idiot.”

“No you’re not,” I said instinctively, my speech vaguely slurred. “You’re smart.”

“Shut up, Lauren,” she dismissed with a roll of her eyes. Then she pursed her lips and shook her head again. “You know… when I said I’d been with a lot of girls here, you know how many I meant?” I didn’t answer, and waited for her to continue, a feeling of trepidation quickly building in my chest. “Four,” she told me. “
Four
. How many did
you
mean, Lauren?
Forty
?”

I colored abruptly. “No… less than that.”

“Twelve, twenty, forty… I guess it doesn’t make a difference. I’ve slept with four girls. I was dating all of them at the time. That’s a lot for a seventeen-year-old girl, so yeah, I’m experienced. But I’m not like you.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, a little offended. Or a lot offended. I couldn’t tell; my brain was a little sluggish at the moment. “Like me?” I echoed.

“Yeah, like you. Was this just a hookup to you the whole time?” she asked me, appalled.

“Only if that was what you wanted…” My cheeks were on fire now. I was totally and utterly humiliated, and still too tipsy to fully comprehend what was happening.

“So I could sleep with you if I wanted to, great. What about a relationship?”

I swallowed hard again and didn’t reply.

“Have you
ever
been in a relationship? With
anyone
?” she asked. When I stayed silent, she nodded. “Should’ve known. How on earth can you talk shit about guys like Trevor, being the way you are? How is what you’re doing here any better than what he’s done? You let me think you wanted to get to know me; that you actually liked me. Here I was, actually catching feelings for a girl I was spending time with, and meanwhile you just wanted to sleep with me.”

“But I do like you,” I mumbled, my voice barely audible at this point. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I realized with a pang that I’d just punished Trevor today for essentially following through with the same sort of plan she was accusing me of having now. But I couldn’t comprehend the idea that I was no different. I’d actually gotten to know her, I genuinely liked her as a person, and I’d never slept with anyone who didn’t want it, so how was I in the wrong?

She folded her arms across her chest, her gaze steely. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You were getting to know me, coming to my house, wearing clothes to impress me, letting me know you were willing to go hang out with me around town… How else was I supposed to interpret that? You just assumed that I wanted what you wanted, and if there were signs that I wanted more, you ignored them. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go home, and I don’t want to talk to you ever again, okay?” She moved to open the back door, and threw over her shoulder, “You can get Nate to take you home.” The door slammed shut behind her.

My vision a little fuzzy, I fumbled my way to a chair and sat still for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. I felt like I was going to vomit, and I didn’t know whether it was from the upset stomach the alcohol had given me or if it was because of what Maddie had just said. The idea that I was comparable to someone like Trevor was sickening. I didn’t
trick
people. I didn’t lie. If Maddie had told me she was looking for a girlfriend from the beginning, I’d have said I wasn’t interested. Or at least I believe I would have.

I sighed, placing my head in my hands. The deck was starting to spin if I kept my eyes open.

I heard the back door open, and then a hand was on my shoulder and Fiona’s voice was in my ear. “Hey girl, is everything okay? Maddie just stopped by to tell us she was leaving. Nate and I can give you a ride home when we leave?”

“Yeah, okay,” I agreed quietly. “I just have to talk to Cammie; we need to get home at the same time.”

“I haven’t seen her,” Fiona said. Her speech was still a little slurred. “But Nate might have. He’s putting my jacket in his car, so I told him I’d go and find you.” She fumbled her way into the chair beside me, and, once she was seated, asked, “What happened? You know I’ll always be here for you, Lauren, right? You seem super nice. Like, I’m really glad you came here.”

“Thanks,” I forced a smile at her, trying to put my fight with Maddie aside for a moment. “I’m glad I picked your lunch table. I was really worried everyone here would be really closed-minded and awful but you guys are so sweet. And you were really nice to Maddie. You didn’t even care that she was gay.”