Taking Heart (18 page)

She knew she must have a stupid grin on her face, but his attempt at dirty talk was so funny and illogical that she couldn't help herself. “Um, no. But did you have something in mind?”

Dylan opened the door to the kennel amid several barks, yips, and calls of delight from the dogs. “I did, but I don't think these guys are going to wait for breakfast,” he yelled over the din.

“Probably not,” she agreed but turned and pulled him toward her, raising on her toes and giving him a kiss that he wouldn't forget. Her hands wrapped around his neck, her fingers massaging the back of his head as her mouth teased him.

Dylan growled, sliding his hands over her rear and pulling her against him. She could feel his arousal and wished they had time and the privacy to give in to their passion now. “Come on, these dogs will just get louder if we don't get them fed,” he complained as he walked toward the kennels to gather the food bowls.

“I promise to make it up to you later.”

Dylan stopped and looked back at her over his shoulder. “You better believe it.”

“W
HY ARE WE
going to the park when Julia has several hundred acres?” Gage parked the Camaro next to Julia's truck in the field turned into a parking lot.

“Why not?” Dylan glared at his brother as they locked the cars.

“Because there are people and distractions here that we can't replicate at my place,” Julia pointed out. “Like the kids swimming in the community pool over there, or those kids on the playground there. Those things are all noises and smells the dogs don't have at home, and Roscoe and Gracie need to learn to ignore them and focus on their handlers.”

“Wow, she is feeling feisty today.” Dylan laughed at his brother as he reached for Julia's left hand, moving Roscoe to his left side.

“Yeah, well, if you two don't keep your hands off each other while we're here, I'm going home.”

Julia laughed as she looked down at Dylan's hand. “Can't do it. You need to keep him on your right. Today we're going to teach him how to move between you and other people.”

He frowned before pursing his lips. “How do we do that?”

She gave Tango the command to sit and stay and moved toward Dylan. “Tell him to stand, and step behind him.” When he did as she said, Roscoe looked back at him. “Now tell him to stay close.”

He did as she said while Gage and Chase watched. Tango laid his head on his paws, appearing to go to sleep, and Gracie cocked her head to the side, her ears alert.

“Chase, tell Gracie to stay and approach Dylan.” Chase followed her orders and walked toward Dylan. Roscoe remained firmly rooted in position, facing Chase but not allowing him to move any closer than his body length toward Dylan. Chase took a step to the side, but Roscoe shifted to block him without hesitation.

“Praise him and release him from position,” Julia said.

“Good boy, Roscoe.” Dylan squatted down and rubbed the dog's neck. “Okay, you're a good boy, aren't you?” The dog's mouth opened and his chin lifted.

“That was exactly what he should do. Did you see how he blocked Chase from moving toward you? Let's try it again, but this time watching behind you. Then we'll try a down-stay with him lying down in front of you so no one can come close.”

Julia helped Dylan teach Roscoe the new commands and was surprised by his patience with the dog. When they began working with Chase and Gracie, she had Gage hide a toy in the middle of the playground as they walked Gracie away from it. Teaching dogs to scent train was one of her favorite tasks, and the dogs actually loved the work. It was a skill that only a few breeds were able to master, and Gracie was one of the best she'd ever worked with. She turned to see where Gage hid the toy, at the top of the tallest twisting slide, and smiled. He wasn't about to make it easy on Chase or the dog.

A crying child running to her mother near the fence caught Julia's attention. The noise was new to the dogs, and she could see Gracie was trying to focus in spite of the distractions. “Okay, are you—”

Her heart raced, even as it dropped into her toes. Evan stood just outside the fence, watching their group. She opened her mouth to tell Chase, but before she could say anything, Evan dipped his head toward her and disappeared. There was no vehicle, no witnesses. He simply disappeared without a trace, almost as if she'd imagined his presence entirely.

“Julia, are you ready?” Chase asked.

She tore her eyes from the fence line. “I . . . yes.”

Julia looked at Chase and wondered if she shouldn't tell him what she thought she'd seen. She glanced back to where Evan had stood. Maybe it hadn't been him. But, then why would a stranger be watching them? Why would he nod in her direction and vanish? In the end, she decided not to say anything, not yet, because if she was wrong, they would think she was losing her marbles. Maybe she was.

“Let her go,” she told him.

“Find it, Gracie,” he instructed. The dog took off like a shot toward the playground and began sniffing under the swings, quickly moving on to the jungle gym and navigating the plastic stairs with reckless disregard for her own safety. She picked her way to the top of the slide and sat outside the entrance, looked back at Chase following her, and began barking excitedly. “Well, that didn't take long.”

He led the dog back to where Julia, Dylan, and Gage waited. “Too easy.” He tossed the toy to Gage. “Try harder, unless she's just smarter than you,” he teased.

Julia loved hearing the men joke with each other, and watching how relaxed Dylan was becoming around them. Normally, she would be the first to jump in and tease, but her gaze kept straying back to the fence, keeping an eye out for the man she'd seen. The more time that passed, the more she wondered if it had really been Evan. It was very possible she was so paranoid that he would find her that she was imagining anyone might look like him.

“Julia, are you listening?” Dylan's brow was etched with concern when she finally responded. She could see the anxiety rise in him as he looked off in the distance, following her gaze.

“I'm fine,” she said, shaking her head. “I was just lost in my thoughts for a second.” She looked down at Gracie, who sat at Chase's feet, a happy dog grin on her face as she beamed up at him. “Let's try something harder. I'll hold her and I want you to go hide, Chase.”

Dylan scanned the area again. “Are you sure about that?”

“It's fine, Dylan,” Chase said. “Dad's already patrolled the area twice just since we've arrived.”

Julia looked at him, surprised.

“What? I let him know we'd be here. Didn't you see the patrol car drive by a few minutes ago?”

She hadn't, but if the sheriff was in the area, Evan certainly wouldn't have risked being seen.

Unless that was what made him run.

She didn't know what to think at this point.

“I want to see what she can do.” Chase sounded like a little boy with a new toy he loved. “Admit it, she's doing even better than you'd thought she would.”

She arched a brow at him. “I'm encouraged by how well she's doing.”

“Psh, don't listen to her, Gracie.” The shepherd cocked her head to the side and lifted her ears high, listening to him. “She likes that slobbery Great Dane. She can't appreciate a smart girl like you.”

“It's official.” Gage threw his hands into the air and slapped his thighs. “Chase has crossed over into insanity and is flirting with a dog. Dude, you
really
need to find a girlfriend.”

D
YLAN AND
G
AGE
had been at the ranch for a little over a week, and things seemed perfect. Too perfect. If Dylan had been anyone else, Julia would have let him know that he would be ready to leave after another week of training. He and Roscoe had bonded better than she'd hoped, and with only a week under their belt, the dog was as devoted to him as he would have been if Dylan had raised him from a puppy. She couldn't ask for more. Except she wanted to.

She and Dylan spent every moment together, and like him and his bonding with Roscoe, their relationship had progressed faster than most would. She sat on the couch with him, tucked into his side, watching a movie with him, both dogs on the floor. Gage had gone to get some work finished in her office. Chase glanced their way and twisted his mouth to the side thoughtfully. She caught his gaze and reached for the remote to pause the movie.

“What's that look for?”

“I'm just thinking.” He waved his hand, but his thoughtful expression remained.

“About?” Dylan jumped in.

“How much longer do you think Gracie will need?”

Julia laughed. “Chase, it's only been three days. Search and rescue dogs train for years before they are tested, and you have to pass several certifications. We're just laying the groundwork.”

“Seriously? I thought we just taught her to sniff out things and that was it.” He looked at the dog lying at his feet. She looked up at him adoringly.

“Would you hand any Joe Blow a gun and call him a deputy?”

“I see your point.” He shrugged. “She needs to be doing this, even if I did just start this as an excuse to be out here to protect you.” He looked back at Julia and Dylan, his expression growing somber. “This isn't working. Either Evan is gone or he's not falling for the ruse.”

“He's not gone.” Dylan sounded so certain, Julia's heart began to beat quickly, and she wondered if he'd seen him at the park as well. “He wouldn't go through all of this trouble just to disappear at the first sign of resistance.” Dylan reached out and took her hand in his, as if he knew the mere mention of Evan had sent her stomach plummeting to her toes. “Are you thinking of leaving?”

“I'm debating it. This isn't doing anyone any good.”

“It's protecting Julia. What do you think he's going to do when you leave?” Dylan looked down at her as she sat up, feeling more uncomfortable with this discussion with each passing moment. “If you leave, Julia will be a sitting target.”

“She'll have you.” Chase looked at Dylan pointedly.

Dylan looked away and Julia looked from one to the other, knowing she was missing something. Some sort of communication was passing unspoken between them, and they were leaving her in the dark. Dylan went from being completely relaxed to pissed in a matter of seconds. Roscoe sensed it as well and was already nudging Dylan's arm, trying to get his attention.

“What's going on, Chase?”

“He wants to leave in order to lure Evan into the open. He was hoping him being here at all might do that, but Evan is smarter than he gave him credit for.” He scowled at Chase. “Now he wants to be more aggressive. You think if you leave Julia unprotected, he'll come out of the woodwork.”

“If you didn't agree with me, you wouldn't be this pissed off, would you?”

“I'm not leaving her here to get hurt. You're an ass for even suggesting it.” She felt Dylan's hand tighten over hers, almost painfully. Roscoe tried to climb into Dylan's lap. “She's not a puppet to lure him out. You've already put her in enough danger.”

“I'm trying to keep her safe. That's why I'm here.” Chase leaned forward in the chair, and Gracie immediately sat up, watching the two men intently. “The sooner we put Evan away, the sooner she's safe and the two of you can have a real life.”

She felt the shock radiate through Dylan, like a current from one man to the other, and it immediately diffused his temper. They had yet to talk about the future, and the fact that Chase had just confronted him with the idea was enough to bring him back from the rage he'd been heading toward.

Julia rose quickly and pulled Dylan to his feet. “We can talk about this tomorrow, Chase,” she said quietly. “Enough for tonight, okay?”

She pleaded with her eyes for him to understand that this wasn't something they could talk about now. She made her way toward the hallway. Chase clenched his jaw as they walked past him, and she felt the tension flow through Dylan. Roscoe whined and continued to nose his hand as Julia pushed him through the door to her room and closed it behind them.

Dylan paced the room, running his hands over his head, unable to calm the storm she could see raging in his eyes. “Dylan?” Roscoe jumped up in front of him and knocked him off balance. When Dylan ignored him, Roscoe jumped onto the bed and put his front paws on his shoulders. “Talk to me.”

“It was bad enough that he insisted on staying here in the first place, knowing that might put you in jeopardy, but to deliberately try to put you in harm's way. I'm going to kill him.”

“Dylan, stop,” She moved in front of him, much the way Roscoe did, and put her hands on his chest. “He's not suggesting anything I haven't already thought of. What has you so pissed about this?”

“Because I can't protect you alone.”

His voice broke at his confession, and Julia realized the crux of his anger. He wanted to be her hero, he was using her to redeem himself of what had happened in the past. Dylan hadn't been able to save his brothers during the attack on their base, and he wanted to assuage his guilt by protecting her. In his eyes, if he couldn't do that, he was a failure. Again. She took a step back from him.

“I didn't ask you to protect me.” She only wanted his heart, for him to love her. Was he still just doing his duty and fulfilling his overburdened sense of honor? Was she nothing more than another responsibility he'd taken on?

“I know you didn't ask. But it's what I do. The only thing I
can
do.” His voice trailed off, and she felt her heart crumble in her chest, like wasted ash after a blazing fire had consumed all it needed. He met her gaze and she saw the dejection there, and she realized the truth. He thought she was weak, a victim. He didn't have faith in her to take care of herself.

“I don't need your pity, Dylan.” Tango moved to her side and buried his head against her hip. “You came to me for help, remember? I was doing just fine.”

“Julia, that's not what I—”

“Yes, you did.” She held up a hand, not letting him speak. “I'm not your penance, or your second chance. I don't want to be where you find your worth. That's too much weight for any person to bear. What happened to you, to the other men in your unit—it was horrible, but don't make me your project.”

Dylan's eyes flashed with anger and frustration.

The way she felt about him was real. She loved him, but she wouldn't be a pawn to help him feel better about himself any more than she would be a plaything for Evan's sick game. “You don't even see it, do you?” She shook her head, her heart aching as she bared it to him. “Protecting me from Evan is just a way for you to feel like the man you used to be. You're not the same man, Dylan. Life has changed you.”

“I liked the man I was,” he snapped, his voice quiet but dangerous. “I worked hard to become that man. I was strong, and capable, and someone people could rely on. They trusted me.”

Her body reacted to his words without permission from her brain, and she moved toward him, her hand cupping his jaw. “You are still that man, Dylan.” Her eyes misted with unshed tears. She was unable to hold them back when she could see the agony in his tense stance. “You may not see it, but I can. What you've been through has made you even more than you were. You're stronger now.”

Dylan clasped his fingers around her wrist and pulled her toward him. One arm wound around her waist while his other hand moved to her face. He put his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “You don't know, Julia. You didn't know me before.” His breath came in ragged gasps, as if he was trying to gain control of emotions that had long since gone wild. “This is not who I was.”

“Maybe not,” she agreed. “But this is who you are
now
, and until you learn to accept that, with all the strengths and flaws you bring to the table, there can't be an us. Not now or in the future.”

She moved away from his touch and felt as if she was ripping her heart from her chest with a dull blade. The physical ache was unbearable as she forced herself to take a step back. Then another.

“You aren't afraid you can't protect me, Dylan. You're afraid of what happens after this is over. There is a future after this, and it scares you so you'd rather run from it than face it. You wanted to run from it when you first arrived, and apparently you still want to.”

Julia walked to her door and opened it. “I've always had people who wanted to protect me, Dylan, but sometimes things happen and you can't be sheltered from them, even ugly things. What I wanted was someone who understood what I'd been through. You still want to live in the past, to make up for what is already gone. I can't live there any longer.”

D
YLAN STARED AT
Roscoe, unable to watch Julia walk out of the room. He could feel the rage scratching inside him, clawing its way to the surface, dying to be released, to get out and ruin whatever he might salvage of this relationship. He left her room, unable to see the reminders of her around him. The anger, the rage, was choking him, hot and cloying, enveloping him like thick smoke from the ruins of his life. He slammed the door to the room she'd given him and ran his hands over his head, fighting to keep the beast at bay.

His eyes scanned the room for something to hit, or throw, some way to release this animal inside, ripping at his chest. He didn't want to feel. This is what he'd tried to hide from, was still trying to hide from. This was what he'd avoided by withdrawing from everyone over the past year. No amount of special ops, macho bullshit was going to make this ache disappear. His skin was hot, his scars throbbing with pain he hadn't felt since he'd arrived here. All of him felt raw, like an open wound that couldn't heal.

His eyes fell on the pill bottles, most unused since his arrival, sitting like sentinels on the top of the dresser. Those were one answer. He heard Roscoe scratching at the door, trying to find a way in, but ignored him and picked up one of the bottles for sleeping pills. What he wanted was to disappear, to find that dark oblivion he'd had before.

Before Evan, Roscoe, or Julia. Before he did the one thing he swore he'd never do again—hope for more. Hope for a real life again. He flipped the lid from the pills and dumped several into his hand. Just for tonight, just to help him sleep.

Julia was right; he was running away, escaping into the painful nothingness that his doctors had so willingly offered because they didn't know a better way. And it had worked. Before. But now, the thought of sleeping, of lying down without Julia's soft curves tucked against him, held no appeal. There was no going back, no escaping. She'd shown him he wanted more, and no pill was going to take that desire away. He hurled the pills at the wall, watching them scatter to the floor.

The anger in him snuffed out, like a candle in a hurricane.

Roscoe's insistent scratching had quieted, and Dylan felt as if the entire house had gone suddenly silent. He opened the door, feeling physically exhausted from the mental battle he'd just waged. It wasn't over, but in not shutting down, in forcing his demon to retreat, he'd won a small victory.

Roscoe looked up at him, and Dylan could see the accusation in his eyes. How could a dog make him feel so guilty? He patted his hands against his stomach and Roscoe jumped up. Dylan rubbed his ears and over his head.

“I'm sorry, boy, but this was something I had to do alone.”

He realized the truth of the words as they fell from his lips. As much as he needed Roscoe and Julia, she'd forced him to face his reality—there was a future, whether he wanted to accept it or not. Leaning over to pick up the pills, his eyes fell on Julia's door, praying that he hadn't waited too long or cut her too deeply.

J
ULIA SAT UP
in bed, staring into the darkness of her room, unsure of what woke her. A low growl came from Tango, lying at the foot of her bed. His ears were perked and alert, eyes focused on her closed door. She heard a muffled sound, like someone talking, and slipped from the bed, pressing her ear against the door. Tango whimpered quietly as he jumped down and padded to her side. This soft growl wasn't his normal warning, so she didn't think there was an intruder, but something had stirred both of them.

She cracked her door open, rubbing at her eyes, still sore from crying herself to sleep, and heard the voice again down the hall. Tango looked up at her before slowly creeping down the hall ahead of her, stopping at Dylan's door. She hadn't seen him since she walked out of her room earlier that night. It had nearly killed her to stand her ground, knowing she was doing what was best for both of them, and walk away when what she really wanted was to fall into his arms and make love to him until he forgot about the future and the past.

But that's what they had already been doing. Pretending the future didn't exist, that there wouldn't come a time when one of them had to make a decision to move forward or die of suffocation. Since the attack that left her in the hospital, trying to recover from the head trauma Evan inflicted, Julia had quickly learned if you weren't moving forward you were falling backward. She couldn't go back. She'd worked too hard to put the past, and the worst of her PTSD symptoms, behind her.

She knocked quietly on Dylan's door, but when she heard the quiet whimper from Roscoe, she opened it a crack. She felt her heart sink when she saw Roscoe standing over Dylan, nudging him with his muzzle insistently with no response. Dylan struggled in his sleep, thrashing against the sheets wound tightly around his legs, hitting Roscoe in the ribcage. The dog whimpered again but ignored the pain, trying to wake Dylan, shoving his nose into Dylan's ear and pawing at his sweat-soaked chest.