Tales From Development Hell (45 page)

As all this was happening — or, more accurately,
not
happening — my “
Outbreak
on an airplane” project,
Airborne,
looked set to take off once more: this time, the interested producer was one with an impressively long track record, stretching back to
The Getaway,
and encompassing
The Thing, Short Circuit
and, more recently,
The Mask of Zorro,
a surprise hit for Sony Pictures. Over several drafts, the script was honed and tightened by this producer and his assistant, both of whom gave exceptionally good notes, and in early 2011 an up-and-coming director became loosely attached to the project, giving good notes of his own. Progress became sluggish, however, as the producers became heavily involved with their remake-cum-prequel of
The Thing,
and it was not until the success of Steven Soderbergh’s viral-outbreak film
Contagion,
later that year, that the script became active again.

In the interim, however, the same producers had invited me to pitch for the most exciting project I had worked on in my patchy screenwriting ‘career,’ which had so far encompassed ten unproduced feature films and a few well-received shorts, one or two of which I had produced myself, just to be sure they were actually made. The project was a feature film based on the
T.J. Hooker
television show of the early 1980s, in which William Shatner had played a fatherly Los Angeles police officer, arguably too old to still be in uniform, but too belligerent to trade it for a career in politics — a little like Captain Kirk in the
Star Trek
movies. Thirty years on, the idea was to re-invent the show as an action comedy, with a comic actor like Kevin James
(Paul Blart: Mall Cop)
or Will Ferrell (The
Other Guys)
playing T.J. Hooker
Junior,
a hopeless police patrolman who has only managed to hold on to his job with the Los Angeles Police Department because his father was such a legend. And who else could play the original T.J. Hooker but William Shatner, in his late
seventies, but still starring in a weekly TV show,
Boston Legal.

Screenwriters Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson had been working on a story outline for almost two years without actually commencing work on a script, and I was determined to win the job for myself. The creator and producer of
T.J. Hooker,
Rick Husky, had read and been impressed by my script for
Airborne,
which suggested I might be capable of handling the action elements of
T.J. Hooker: The Movie,
which, as with comedy-flavoured action films like
Rush Hour
and
Lethal Weapon,
would be played ‘straight’, so that the jeopardy is real. After all, we reasoned, the villains don’t know they’re in a comedy — and neither, for that matter, do the heroes. By the time I flew out to Hollywood to pitch the project to the producers, Husky had read my earlier action-comedy,
250 GTO,
and decided my kind of funny wasn’t his kind of funny. This was going to be a tough crowd. I pride myself on being “good in a room,” however, and pitched the shit out of my take on
T.J. Hooker: The Movie.
Against all odds, I got the gig.

Over the next few months, guided by Husky and the other producers, I wrote the very first draft of the script, loosely based on the storyline set up by Maddock and Wilson, but utilising many elements suggested by the producers, and many more of my own. Having grown up watching
T.J. Hooker —
hey, there were only three channels back then — and being the son of a police officer myself, I felt as deep an affinity to the material as anyone — except, perhaps, Messrs Husky and Shatner. By the time I had finished the second draft, the action was exciting and inventive, the characters fresh and funny, the set pieces spectacular and original. Finally, and crucially, I believed that the script had the correct tone — unlike, say, the misbegotten update of ’70s cop show
Starsky and Hutch.

The script was delivered in the spring of 2010, and I sat back and waited for the
Variety
and
Hollywood Reporter
announcements the producers had promised: that they had signed not one but
two
exciting projects from a hot ‘new’ writer by the name of David Hughes: the breathtaking thriller
Airborne,
and the hilarious and action-packed reboot of ’80s TV series
T.J. Hoolker.

Then, in June 2010,
The A-Team —
a comedy-leavened action film based on a popular ’80s TV show — opened at US cinemas, to mediocre reviews and lacklustre box office. “There is no Plan B,” trumpeted the posters — and it was true: by the time
The A-Team
slipped quietly from view a few weeks later, Husky had put
T.J. Hooker
back in a drawer, figuring that the world wasn’t in the mood for clever reinventions of ’80s TV shows. Not since Mike Myers had decided to turn down Paramount Pictures’ offer to adapt his
Saturday
Night Live
‘Sprockets’ sketch into a feature film
³
had a creator-producer so deliberately torpedoed his own project, for fear of failure. With Shatner having turned eighty, and becoming increasingly difficult to insure for action scenes — even though he was more than capable of performing them — it seemed as though
T.J. Hooker
would never be made as we had imagined it, if at all.

Over the course of nine scripts, I had passed through all nine Dantean Circles of Development Hell, before finally landing in the Circle to which all unproduced scripts are ultimately consigned.

You guessed it:
Limbo.

_____________

1
The psychological and professional jealousy aspects of
Perfect Blue
could also be said to bear a certain resemblance to Aronofsky’s Oscar-winning
Black Swan.

2
I remember reading a fascinating article about mathematician John W. Nash Jr. in
Vanity Fair,
and naively calling the magazine to ask after the availability of the film rights, only to be told that Brian Grazer and Ron Howard had beaten me to it. A lucky thing, as my script would probably have turned out more like
Sam I Am
than
A Beautiful Mind.

3
The fact that Myers felt that
The Love Guru
was sufficiently hilarious to go ahead and make may offer some insight as to the comedic value of
Dieter,
the script of which has been unofficially circulated.

Note: Quotes taken from author interviews are marked AI. All available information on sources is given. Any omissions will be corrected in future editions where possible.

INTRODUCTION

Page 9
:
“Trying to make a movie...” Douglas Adams, quoted in ‘Douglas Adams’ by Nicholas Wroe, The Guardian, 15 May 2001. “The writer turns in a script...” is from Killer Instinct: How Two Young Producers Took on Hollywood and Made the Most Controversial Film of the Decade by Jane Hamsher, New York: Broadway Books, 1997.
Page 10
:
“Everybody gives writers notes...” Richard Friedenberg, AI. “In Hollywood, ideas are anathema...” Gary Goldman, AI. “tweaking a draft...” William Farmer, AI.

DISILLUSIONED

Page 15
:
“They wanted Indiana Jones...” and all other Ted Henning quotes, AI. “This was the gentleman who...” and all other quotes from Lee Batchler, quoted in the BBC Radio production Development Hell, produced by Neil Rosser, 2011.
Page 16
:
“As we researched...” and all other quotes from Janet Scott Batchler, AI. “Manipulating the laws of physics...”; “Whatever days I have left” are from the unproduced screenplay Smoke and Mirrors by Lee and Janet Scott Batchler.
Page 18
:
“Sounds great...” Jay Stern, quoted in The Big Deal by Thom Taylor, New York: William Morrow, 1999. “I’m looking for a million” Alan Gasmer, ibid.
Page 19
:
“I don’t know if they got an answer...”; “I was concerned...” Stern, ibid.
Page 20
:
“We thought it was a wonderful script...” and all other quotes from Andrew G. Vajna, quoted in the BBC Radio production Development Hell, produced by Neil Rosser, 2011.
Page 23
:
“Houdin travels to Algeria...” and all other ‘Stax’ quotes from ‘The Stax Report: Script Review of Smoke & Mirrors’ at IGN FilmForce (
filmforce.ign.com
), 19 December 2000.
Page 26
:
“The fact-based story...” quoted in ‘Douglas, Zeta-Jones stoked for Smoke & Mirrors’, uncredited, Variety, 22 May 2001.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Page 31
:
“I thought it was gonna be fantastic...” and all other Don Murphy quotes, AI. “He told me the story...” and other Arthur P. Jacobs quotes, from ‘Dialogues on Apes, Apes and More Apes’ by Dale Winogura, Cinefantastique, Summer 1972.
Page 32
:
“I never thought it could be made...” Pierre Boulle, ibid. “The novel was singularly uncinematic,” and other Charlton Heston quotes from In the Arena by Charlton Heston, London: HarperCollins, 1995.
Page 33
:
“The make-up was crude...” John Chambers, quoted in original 20th Century Fox production notes for Planet of the Apes.
Page 34
:
“I disliked, somewhat, the ending...” Boulle, quoted in ‘Dialogues on Apes, Apes and More Apes’ by Dale Winogura, Cinefantastique, Summer 1972. “Whether by design or accident...” Maurice Evans, quoted in original 20th Century Fox production notes for Planet of the Apes. “I had never thought of this picture...” Franklin J Schaffner, ibid.
Page 35
:
“I had always been a huge Planet Of The Apes fan...”; “but not a sequel to the 5th film...”; “Spartacus with Apes...” Adam Rifkin, AI.
Page 36
:
“The legend throughout the humans...” Rifkin, quoted in ‘Evolution’ by Daniel Argent, Creative Screenwriting, July/August 2001. “Fox was dead set on making this movie...”; “As soon as I was to turn in the cut down script...”;
Page 37
:
“quite unexpectedly and unceremoniously replaced...” Rifkin, AI. “[Fox wanted] a happy, harmonious ending...” Rifkin, quoted in ‘Evolution’ by Daniel Argent, Creative Screenwriting, July/ August 2001. “Eventually the script evolved to a place...” and all remaining Adam Rifkin quotes, AI.
Page 38
:
“I imagine the conversation going something like this...”; “I watched the original movies again...” are from Killer Instinct: How Two Young Producers Took on Hollywood and Made the Most Controversial Film of the Decade by Jane Hamsher, New York: Broadway Books, 1997. “What if there were discovered cryogenically frozen Vedic Apes...” Oliver Stone, ibid.
Page 39
:
“Oliver Stone got Fox to take exactly...” ibid. “Oliver’s notion is kind of in the Joseph...” Hamsher, quoted in ‘Fox Goes Ape for Stone’ by Leonard Klady, Variety, 14 December 1993. “I never worked out how to get back...” is from the unproduced script Return of the Apes by Terry Hayes.
Page 40
:
“one of the best scripts he ever read”; “What if our main guy finds himself in Ape land...”; “incredibly stupid” are from Killer Instinct: How Two Young Producers Took on Hollywood and Made the Most Controversial Film of the Decade by Jane Hamsher, New York: Broadway Books, 1997.
Page 41
:
“What we tried to do was a story...” Sam Hamm, quoted in ‘Evolution’ by Daniel Argent, Creative Screenwriting, July/August 2001. “once-proud porcelain features...” is from the unproduced Planet of the Apes screenplay by Sam Hamm.
Page 42
:
“Schwarzenegger ... is talking with Jim Cameron...” quoted in ‘Arnold Wants Forman to take Wings’ by Army Archerd, Variety, 28 January 1997. “I’m fourty-four...” James Cameron, quoted in Premiere, November 1998. “I would have gone in a very different direction” Cameron, quoted in ‘Ape Crusaders’ by Benjamin Svetkey, Entertainment Weekly, 27 April 2001. “The original movie is about race in America...” Albert Hughes, quoted in ‘New Jack City’ by Ian Freer, Empire, February 2002. “We wanted to take the premise...” Allen Hughes, ibid.
Page 43
:
“[Fox president] Tom Rothman called...” and other William Broyles, Jr. quotes are from ‘Evolution’ by Daniel Argent, Creative Screenwriting, July/August 2001. “I wasn’t interested in doing a remake or a sequel...”; “introduce new characters and other story elements...” Tim Burton, quoted in 20th Century Fox production notes for Planet of the Apes. “When you say ‘Planet of the Apes’ and ‘Tim Burton’ in the same breath...”; “[Broyles] came up with the characters...”, Richard D. Zanuck, ibid.
Page 44
:
“We did some work on the script...” Burton, quoted in a commentary for the Planet of the Apes DVD, circa 2001.
Page 45
:
“Tim had three months to edit the film...” Estella Warren, quoted in ‘Estella’ by Justin Quirk, Arena, May 2003. “would have cost $300 million”; “I’m fascinated by the studio technique...” Burton, quoted in The Independent, reported by JAM! Showbiz,
www.canoe.ca
Page 46
:
“Can I explain the Planet of the Apes ending...” Tim Roth, quoted in ‘Empire Awards 2002’, Empire, April 2002. “I thought it made sense...” Helena Bonham Carter, quoted in ‘Helena Bonham Carter’ by Mark Salisbury, Total Film, December 2001. “Let’s say Fox wants to make...” Burton, quoted in a commentary for the Planet of the Apes DVD, circa 2001. “Rick has always kept a file...” Amanda Silver, quoted in ‘Interview with Rise of the Planet of the Apes Screenwriters Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver’,
theforbidden-zone.com
, August 2011.
Page 47
:
“We laid out the story...”;
Page 48
:
“When we started this...” Rick Jaffa, quoted in ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes Screenwriters: We Pictured A Trilogy” by Darren Franih,
EW.com
, August 2011.