TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER (17 page)

i and all the other writers were delighted. For us, it was a two or
three-week vacation.
Then about three days later, Bob called me and asked for some
material. i said, “i thought you were off fishing in Alaska.”
He said, “i came home. i found out fish don’t applaud.”
Bob also taught me the value of a sense of humor.
The first time i went over to Bob’s house in Toluca Lake, i walked
into the game room. it was a small room with a billiard table in the
center. However, there was no pool playing that day because the entire pool table was covered with a model of the home that the Hope’s
were planning to build in Palm Springs.
Bob lifted the roof off the model and showed me what each of the
rooms would be and where the indoor swimming pool was to be. it
was fascinating.
Later, they began to build that house in the desert.
i was on the phone with Bob one day when he said, “Hold on.
i’ve got a call on the other line.”
i held on, but Bob never did return to the call. i eventually hung
up, but later i saw why he didn’t return. On the news, they reported
that the house under construction in Palm Springs had caught fire
and was almost totally destroyed.
The next day, he called back and apologized for leaving me hanging on the phone. “Did you hear what happened?” he asked.
i told him i had and how sorry i was about it.
He said, “Do some jokes about it.”
i said, “What? How can you do jokes about something like that?”
He said, “Well, it’s good that it happened before we moved in.
That could have been a real tragedy. Besides, people are going to be
expecting me to say something about it. i need some jokes.”
So, i wrote some gags about his house being destroyed. Later that
day, he quoted one of the jokes on a news broadcast: “it’s a terrible feeling to wake up in the morning and find out that the black cloud hanging
over your home in Los Angeles used to be your home in Palm Springs.”
Bob taught me a bit about the psychology of humor, too. We were
taping a monologue for one of his specials and we had written some
material about President Gerald Ford and his football playing days.
Bob always did his monologues right before the show aired so
that the material was as current as possible. He borrowed Johnny
Carson’s audience for those. After Carson’s show was completed,
Bob asked the audience to stay if they wanted to see his monologue.
Everyone stayed.
For the live audience, Bob did about 150 gags on various topics.
Then, we edited those down to about fifty jokes for the monologue
that would air on the show.
One particular evening, he did a lot of his material and then announced to the audience that he was going to take a short break. He
told them, “We’re going to do a short piece that’s going to air at the
White House. it’s a few jokes about Gerry Ford and his football playing days. Hang around. i think you’ll enjoy it.”
When Bob came offstage, i asked, “When did this White House
gig come up? i didn’t know anything about it.”
Bob said, “There’s no White House show. The audience was getting tired, so i wanted them to take a little break. Besides, if they think
they’re part of something that’s being shown at the White House,
they’ll be more enthused about it.”
He went back and did the football material to a full audience and
it played beautifully.
i enjoyed a long and exciting career—almost thirty years—working
with Bob on his concerts, military trips, and nBC specials. Working with
him was often demanding and challenging, but it was always rewarding.
He was always a dynamic, enthusiastic, energetic show business professional, and he inspired everyone else to be as devoted to the craft as he
was. it wasn’t until the last few years of his career, when he was into his
nineties, that his stamina and his performing precision began to falter.
One of the worst moments and one of the fondest memories of my
joke-writing stint with Bob happened towards the end of his long and
legendary career. He was preparing to tape a television monologue.
Bob’s eyesight, which had troubled him for years, was getting
worse and he was having trouble reading the cue cards. Barney Mcnulty, who prepared Bob’s cue cards, made the letters about five
inches tall and held them no more than five or six feet in front of him,
but Bob still had trouble reading them.
i asked him once why he didn’t wear glasses. i said, “Your audience will accept you in glasses. They did with Jack Benny.”
Bob said, “Glasses don’t do any good, Gene. it’s like i’m looking at
things in a smoke filled room. Glasses would just make the smoke clearer.”
His reading of the monologue material became more and more
halting. Struggling to see the cards threw his timing off noticeably.
At that particular monologue taping, i saw Bob in the dressing
room before the show and mentioned to him that i had just heard
on the radio that Johnny Carson, who had announced his retirement
from
The Tonight Show,
was being honored by President George Bush,
who was then a lame duck president. Bob hadn’t heard about it.
The monologue went poorly. The audience was small. nBC
claimed some of the buses bringing people to the taping were delayed
or something. i suspected that nBC simply didn’t attract a big audience because they were somewhat embarrassed by the latest Bob
Hope specials.
Bob didn’t deliver the material well because of the problems he
had with his vision. The monologue didn’t play well.
At the end of it, Bob called me up onstage. He covered the mike,
leaned over to me and said, “Give me some jokes about Johnny Carson getting that honor.”
i was surprised. i said, “When do you want them?”
He said, “Right now. i want to tell a few to the audience.”
Miraculously, i immediately ad-libbed about five or six lines into
Hope’s ear. He stepped over to the microphone and recited them to
the audience. Because he didn’t have to read them, his timing was better, and because the topic was so current, the jokes played very well.
Bob said “Thank you and goodnight,” and then he left to laughter
and applause. it was the last television monologue he ever did.

Occasionally, Bob Hope took his specials on the road. Often, those
were tie-ins with special events, like the show from new Orleans in
1984 while the World’s Fair was in that city. Sometimes, they simply
promoted tourism in various places like Tahiti, the Bahamas, Bermuda, Florida, Acapulco, and others.

anniversary of the coronation of Queen Elizabeth ii. While there, i
learned the true meaning of the saying “America and Great Britain
are two countries separated by a common language.” One day, while
we were at a rehearsal at the Palladium, i was looking for Bob. i asked
a few people where he was and they all gave me the same answer—
“He’s in the stalls.” i kept searching because i had no idea where or
what “the stalls” were. it turned out they were the seats right in the
front of the stage.

Also, all of our jokes had to be “translated” by a British writer.
What we called a “diaper” had to be changed to a “nappy.”
We had several “nappy” jokes because the Queen had recently
become a grandmother. At the rehearsal before the show, Bob was
quickly rifling through the cue cards before his monologue. i sat beside him as he read. He came to one “nappy” joke and told Barney
Mcnulty to throw it out. it was my joke. i said, “Bob, why are you
throwing that out? it’s a funny gag.”
He said, “it’s too rough to do for the Queen.”
i said, “no, it’s cute. The Queen will love that joke,” i said, as if i
knew what the Queen liked or disliked.
Hope said, “Do you really think so?”
i said, “Sure.”
He handed me the card and said, “Then you do it.”
He added, “Remember, she still has the power to behead.”
He didn’t do the joke.
There were a few others on that trip that he didn’t do. For instance, one day he was rehearsing his monologue on stage and one of
the gags, which i wrote, got some groans from the crew. Bob stopped
the rehearsal, approached the front of the stage, and spoke to Bob
Mills, another writer, and me. We were sitting in the first row of the
theatre – in the stalls.
Bob asked me, “is that your line?”
i meekly nodded yes.
He reached into his pocket, took out a bunch of keys, and threw
them to Bob Mills. Mills caught them and asked, “What should i do
with these?”
Bob said, “Take Perret to the Tower of London.”
While those trips sounded appealing, there was very little time
for tourism because the production always turned out to be a headache. Surprises presented themselves even when we did the shows
from the Burbank studio, but there we coped with them more easily. All the equipment was available and within easy reach. On the
road, we traveled with whatever equipment we thought we needed.
if something unforeseen happened, which usually did, we had to adjust. it took more time, and consequently the schedule was thrown
off. Shooting and rehearsing were out of whack.
The road shows were always more troublesome and more problematic than the studio shows. in Hawaii, the Judds were going to do
a musical number at one of the major hotels. Since it was all music,
i opted not to go to the taping. it was a wise decision because when
i woke up the next morning, some of the crew members i saw were
exhausted as they returned from the shoot. i discovered that every
time they turned on the lights for the scene, they blew the power in
the hotel. What should have taken an hour to tape, wound up taking
the entire night.
in Pensacola, Florida, we were ready to shoot a sketch when we
were hearing voices from people who weren’t in our show. They were
reading lines that we had never written. We discovered that radio
waves were bouncing across the water from somewhere else in Florida and they were being transmitted over the wireless mikes that our
performers were wearing.
At the new Orleans World’s Fair special in May 1984, we had rain
that cancelled a full day of taping and threw the schedule into turmoil.
We were in the greatest city for food in the nation and we never got a
chance to visit a restaurant. All our meals were sandwiches or po-boys
sent to the rehearsal hall and we ate them from boxes. Often there were
so many sandwiches packed into the delivered box that the ones on the
bottom were flattened out and looked more like pizzas than sandwiches.
Also at that show, the outdoor stage was difficult to mike. The
wireless mikes were picking up interference and the overhead mikes
couldn’t be used because we couldn’t keep them out of the shot. Some
of the writers offered suggestions that caused heated arguments. The
sound guys didn’t like suggestions coming from guys who just sat in
the corner writing jokes.
As for me, i just sat in the corner writing jokes.
Several birthdays were celebrated on that show—Bob Hope,
Brooke Shields, and i think either Marvin Hagler or Sugar Ray Leonard. For the finale, we planned to bring out a large birthday cake and
celebrate all of them with the audience, but even that caused a problem.
The baker delivered the cake and then panicked. There was no way
to keep the icing fresh until that segment of the show was being taped.
Again, some writers offered suggestions which caused hard feelings.
As for me, i sat in the corner and wrote jokes.
i quickly learned that if there was a problem with the script, i had
to work on it. if there was a problem anywhere else, the costumers,
sound people, cameramen, technicians, bakers, or whomever, solved
it much better than i, and they solved it without input from the guys
who just sit in the corner and wrote jokes.
Once, i had a problem on a remote show that did require my input.
it occurred even before we got to the location. The show was scheduled
to be a command performance for King Gustav of Sweden. We had the
first rehearsal at the Burbank studios before departing for Sweden.
The entire cast was there for the table reading, including Glen Campbell and Shirley Jones. During the script reading, Bob Hope turned to
me at one point and said, “Gene, we could use a better line there.”
i immediately ad-libbed a new line.
Bob said, “no.”
i ad-libbed another. He rejected that one, too. i tried with a third line.
Bob said, “Gene, when we do a joke on my show, i like to have
people know what the hell we’re talking about.”
Bob and i traded insults frequently, so i knew he was only kidding,
but i went along with the gag. in front of the entire cast, i threw my
pencil across the room, slammed my script to the floor, and shouted,
“Bob, now you’re getting into more expensive comedy.”
it cracked Hope up and the rest of the cast, although stunned at
first, joined in the laughter.
However, we may have had the ultimate complication on that
road show. Many of the crew and some of the cast had flown ahead to
Stockholm. Bob, the writers, and a few other staff people were scheduled to leave for Sweden late in the evening. We arrived at the airport
and waited in the ViP lounge for our departure. While there, we had
a few drinks, chatted, and watched television. Unexpectedly, we saw
a shocking report that the Prime Minister of Sweden had just been
assassinated. We had no idea what to do.
We wondered if the show would be cancelled because it involved
the King and Queen. We were unsure whether or not to board our flight.
We couldn’t reach any of our people in Sweden to give us an opinion. A
decision was finally made that we fly the eleven hours to Sweden, and if
the show was cancelled or we weren’t allowed in the country, then we’d
simply get on another flight and fly right back to Los Angeles.
We got into the country, although security at the airport was very
tight. The show went off without any further problems, other than the
ones we either brought with us or caused while we were there.
Although the work schedule was always tough on those trips, we
did have our share of laughs, too. Bob’s crew made great traveling companions, and Bob, an old vaudevillian, was great fun on those jaunts.
Once, a few of us sat in Bob’s suite going over some changes in
the script. While we were working, Dolores Hope, his wife, came in
to say goodbye to him before she headed off on a shopping spree. Just
as she got to the door, Bob called after her, “Remember, don’t buy
anything here that you can get at K-Mart.”
We traveled in style, at least the writers did. Guild rules demanded that we travel first class, so the rooms were always pleasant.
We partied constantly because whoever was hosting the trip always
had some sort of shindig for Bob and his troupe.
Bob’s crew and staff were delightful. We had our disagreements
in the midst of production, but no one carried that over to the social
aspects of the trip. However, one of our constant goals while traveling
was to get the other folks jealous. During a discussion, i casually mentioned that the Jacuzzi in my room wasn’t delivering enough hot water.
Of course, i had no Jacuzzi in my room, but everyone else on the trip
wondered if i did. Folks were constantly referring to the living room
in their suite, or the balcony overlooking a great view. We just liked to
torment one another about our mythical accommodations.
Bob stayed in the best suite at hotels, and it was nice to spend so
much time in such luxurious surroundings. When i and a few of my
fellow travelers first visited one of Bob’s magnificent suites, i might
have gotten in the ultimate one-upsmanship He took us on a tour of
the place because even he was impressed with it.
During the tour i said, “This is just like my room except my
kitchen and dining room are on the other side of the suite from yours.”
Those traveling shows were a lot of work for the writers even
though the scripts were written before we left home. First of all, there
were usually only one or two writers on those jaunts. So, those two
did the work that ten or twelve would be doing at home. Of course,
the writers who stayed home were only a phone call away, but normally, it was easier to work on the script and get the changes made
rather than call the other writers and have them call in their work.
There was so much rewriting to do on one show that we did from
Hawaii that Bob Mills and i were practically prisoners in our room.
We rushed to get the final sketch done in time for taping so we could
wrap the show and make our flights home. We typed a page or two
and a runner picked those pages up, copied them, and got them into
the script. Then, he returned for the next couple of pages. We finished
up the final pages and went down to watch the sketch we had just
written being rehearsed and taped.
During that same show, we hurried to write a talk spot for Loni
Anderson and Bob. Loni had appeared in a movie of the week that did
well in the ratings the previous night. it was about a woman who became a hooker to provide for her daughter and herself. Since it made
such a splash in the press, we did some lines about it in the talk spot.
Bob Hope was taping a talk spot with Tom Selleck on the set of
Magnum P.I.
While he was away, we got word from the producers that
Loni was furious with the new pages. normally, Hope would handle
problems like those, but that time, Bob Mills and i had to handle it.
We had worked with Loni many times before on the Bob Hope
specials. She was always pleasant to work with, knew her lines, and
could handle comedy well, but i suppose us trivializing the successful
show that was broadcast the previous night had upset her.
Loni was quite angry when we went to her suite. She told us in no
uncertain terms that she thought the material was distasteful and filthy.
i asked, “Which lines do you object to?”
She said, “All of them.”
i used a device that served me well when i worked at General
Electric. i asked if we could go through the piece line by line and
isolate the offensive ones. Loni agreed.
We started with Hope saying, “Hello, Loni.” Then i asked, “now
do you have an objection to that?”
She said, “Of course not.”
Then we moved on to Loni replying, “Hi, Bob, good to see you.”
“Any objection to that response?”
“Of course not.”
We went through the entire talk spot that way. Any line that Loni
thought was questionable, we immediately removed. We wound up
cutting only a small portion of the routine and we still had plenty left
to do on the show.
it was the last thing to be shot and Loni did do it, although she
still wasn’t too happy about it. it played well, though.
Bob Mills and i were a bit worried that Hope might have felt that
we mishandled the situation. On the contrary, he was pleased with
what we did. in fact, he was a little bit upset that Loni had called from
Hawaii to speak with her agent in Los Angeles. She asked him to talk
to Bob’s representative in Los Angeles, who in turn, called the show
in Hawaii. He figured she could have just as easily called his room, or
stopped down to discuss the material.
That evening, after the piece was taped, Bob Mills and i sat at the
outside bar in the hotel breezeway. We saw Bob Hope come down
and walk by the bar on his way to the limousines. As he did, he was
mobbed by fans wanting photos with him and autographs. He was
gracious to all of them. Then, he got in his black limo and drove off.
A few moments later, Loni came down and walked the same
route. Fans were eager for photos and autographs, but she was still
annoyed and looked straight ahead, ignoring all of the fans. Mills and
i watched that procession from our seats at the nearby bar.
Loni got into her beautiful white stretch limo without ever acknowledging the crowd. The driver closed her door and then got into
the driver’s seat. We listened as he tried to start the engine, but it
wouldn’t turn over. He tried again.
Eventually, he got out, opened the door for Loni, and they switched
to a lowly black limo and drove off. Mills enjoyed that spectacle so
much that he bought a round of drinks for the others at the bar.
Sometimes, the location itself caused changes when a set wasn’t
as the writers envisioned it, so new lines were hurriedly needed. We
also rehearsed on the location, so changes sometimes sprang naturally from that. Cast members sometimes wanted new lines, a director
suggested changes, and so on.
Bob Hope always wanted new lines for the script, regardless of
how well rehearsals were going. We once had a late night rehearsal in
the hotel room and the sketch played like dynamite. it got big laughs
and everyone in the cast loved it. it was magnificent, but at the end of
the rehearsal, Bob caught my eye and motioned me over.
He said, “Come on up to my room after rehearsal.”
i asked, “Why?”
He said, “We can make this better.”
i said, “it was brilliant.”
He said, “So. We’ll work on it for awhile. if we make it better, it’ll
be better. if we don’t, it’ll still be brilliant.”
We worked on changes for that fantastic sketch. i suppose we
made it a little better.