Tapestry (7 page)

She nodded, feeling horribly transparent. ‘Is that wrong?’

‘Why don’t
you
tell
me
?’ he offered. ‘Just speak whatever’s on your mind.’

‘Well, you said it all. Will has so much going for him, so much to offer. We fit together so well. What’s more, he loves me and shows it constantly. I just can’t imagine a woman alive who would turn Will down if she were me.’

‘You haven’t turned him down.’

‘But I don’t love him the way he loves me, Robin.’
There
, she’d said it aloud. ‘I want to. I just hesitate to say it, to show it, to allow myself to feel it.’

‘Why do you think that is?’

She shrugged.

‘That’s not good enough, Jane. You have to sort this out.’

She drank her coffee, not enjoying being cornered in this way. ‘He orders for me.’

Robin lifted an eyebrow but waited.

‘We might be in a café and he’ll just order what we’re having.’

‘And you don’t say anything?’

‘It feels petty. Besides, he usually gets it right.’

‘But you don’t like that power being exerted.’

‘No. I’m used to being in charge of my own life. By wearing Will’s ring, it’s as though I’ve suddenly yielded my freedom.’

‘Dramatic,’ he said with a smile. ‘But then, you have in a way, haven’t you?’

She pulled a face. ‘I’m not going to become a doormat like his mother!’ And there was another truth spoken. It felt like a heavy load being lifted.

Robin watched her, waited. ‘Your natural need to manage situations is one of your strengths, I suspect.’ She flinched as he pressed the emotional bruise. ‘If you bend your mind to something or someone, you usually get it.’

She shrugged. ‘I’ve not thought of it that way.’

‘Did you bend your mind to getting Will?’

Jane lifted a shoulder. ‘I wasn’t aware of it.’

‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’

‘I want to.’

‘It didn’t happen between the two of you?’

‘I think it might have for Will,’ she answered, looking away, embarrassed.

‘Tell me what you think love is, Jane … at its core.’

‘Chemistry,’ she replied. ‘My personal take is that there’s no accounting for it. It just happens. Invisible, powerful, irresistible. No rhyme or reason. You look at someone, talk to them and you find yourself helpless in their presence, but you can’t explain why.’

He smiled. ‘Go on.’

‘Will’s brilliant at everything,’ she continued. ‘It’s hard to live beneath that dazzling glow.’

‘You feel overshadowed?’

‘No … I wonder if I can live up to his ideal of me. I’m wilful, but he reads that as strong. I’m independent, but he reads that as my being someone with fathomless courage. I’m not like any other woman he’s been with, I think — plus I helpfully tick a lot of other boxes he and his family desire.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m making this sound clinical. It’s not like that. But …’

‘It’s how you feel?’

She nodded. ‘I’m not impressed by his wealth, family name, connections.’ She slapped the chair arm lightly. ‘We were having
fun. Why did he have to make it serious?’ Robin said nothing, watched her carefully. ‘I feel like I’m in therapy,’ she added, cutting him a rueful glance.

He lifted a shoulder. ‘It could be viewed that way, but it’s doing neither of us any harm. Keep talking.’

‘Will is everything I should leap at: intelligent, academic, kind, owns an amazing loft apartment in New York’s most wanted street and a holiday cottage upstate.’ She gave a moue of regret. ‘He’s keen to start a family, but only when I’m ready. He’s talking about buying us a big place at somewhere called East Aurora.’ She eyed Robin. ‘He adores my body, worships at its altar most nights, laughs at my prickliness, understands my mood shifts and he loves the spontaneity that my parents have always considered a sign of my reckless spirit. Nothing made them happier than to hear about a ring on my finger.’

‘Are you worried he’ll become too much like his father?’

‘I didn’t know his father until a few days ago, but yes, now I’m nervous that he’ll become overbearing. Will calls me “she”. I hate that, but I think it’s an American thing.’ Robin nodded. ‘But now Will’s dead … technically. It’s as if I wished it, brought it upon us. Is that possible?’

He didn’t answer her question, only sighed. ‘And you want to wind back the clock.’

‘Of course.’

‘Could you rid yourself of your reservations if you could go back in time?’

Their gazes met and locked. Jane couldn’t answer that. ‘You’re the stargazer. Tell me, why can’t I commit?’

‘You’re holding back, Jane. That’s all.’ He sipped his coffee silently, watching her over the rim of his cup.

‘Yes, but I feel like an impostor. Tell me why I’m holding back.’

‘Pure caution. Some, like me, might admire you for questioning the relationship. Marriage is not easy. I’m sure
anyone who’s been married or is still married would admit as much. The early flush and excitement of love are not enough to sustain a marriage.’

‘So I’m being cautious?’

‘Maybe you’re making sure that he is definitely the one.’

‘I’ve accepted his ring. We’re planning the marriage. How am I making sure? It’s not as though I’m planning to trawl bars and nightclubs to find other options.’

Jane could hear the traffic building as more horns klaxoned the news that rush hour approached. She knew she should go. Robin was talking again.

‘I agree that true love is mysterious. There’s no telling why, or with whom it will happen. I personally believe it’s out of anyone’s control — including yours. Two people who appear compatible and perfect for each other in every way might meet and simply not connect. Others, who seem laughably disconnected on many levels, find each other irresistible.’

She nodded. ‘Okay, I get that. I know people you’d never put together for various reasons and yet they have fantastic relationships.’

‘Exactly.’

Jane sensed he was waiting on her, that she must drive their conversation forward. She took a nervous gulp of her coffee, while her most vital query felt as though it were choking her.

She cleared her throat. ‘Will he live?’

‘That is up to you,’ he replied calmly, ready with a smooth answer as though he’d been waiting for the inevitable question.

She sucked in a breath, took the paper napkin he’d placed under her coffee and dried her eyes. She blew into it, suddenly untroubled by the impolite sound in front of a stranger.

‘Up to me? You mean, whatever decision I reach.’

‘Life is all about decisions. Every minute of the day we make decisions, some of them minute, others more daunting, but each leads us to where we find ourselves from that moment on. You
are here today because of a series of decisions that probably began days previously.’

She swallowed, remembering Will’s deep kiss in the street, the woman pushing past and snarling at them, breakfast … her sense of indecision. Jane returned her gaze to Robin to break the string of memories. She’d relived them too many times already.

‘Ah, there’s the guilt in your eyes again. Now you feel his terrible accident has changed everything. You feel you must commit. You believe you do — or should I say
could
? — love him as he loves you.’

‘I’m certain I want Will back as he was and us back as we were,’ she bleated.

He regarded her with his head inclined slightly to one side. ‘Mm, interesting that you neatly evaded the statement I posed, qualifying it in your own way.’

‘What does that mean?’ Jane knew she sounded offended.

‘That it is revealing.’

‘Robin, I don’t know what to think any more. I’m confused, I’m rudderless … isn’t that why your leaflet urged me to come here?’

‘You’re right,’ he said.

Jane felt herself easing off the hook he’d just caught her on. ‘So here I am. Tell me what to do. Help me!’

‘I’m a clairvoyant, Jane. Do you know what that means?’

She shrugged. ‘You look into my future?’

He laughed, but there was nothing mocking in it. If anything, she heard only affection. ‘A French word,’ he said. ‘“Voyance” is about vision. And “clair” means clear. All I do is help you to see your options more clearly. I cannot make decisions for you.’

‘All right. What can you see ahead for me?’

Robin lifted a hand and held it out. ‘Death and misery,’ he said, before opening up the other hand. ‘Or life.’

‘Two happy lives?’ she asked, staring at his second hand, not wanting to be tricked. Suddenly she saw Robin as one of those
cunning pixies of folktales, trapping their victims with seeming truths but playing with semantics. She wanted to be sure she understood his meaning precisely.

‘Oh, certainly I mean more than one,’ he replied evenly. He swallowed his last mouthful of coffee and put his glass down. She still hadn’t lost the feeling that she was being manipulated. ‘Don’t let yours go cold.’

She downed the final contents of the small glass.

‘Why don’t you tell me what’s directly ahead of you,’ Robin encouraged.

‘As you already said, I face a decision,’ she said.

‘Go on.’

‘Which I’m glad about, in a way.’

‘Why?’

She shrugged. ‘It allows me to take some control of the situation, I suppose.’

Jane watched the glimmer in Robin’s eyes intensify. It was as though he were smiling behind that even façade. ‘Ah.’

She blinked. ‘What?’

He sat back, his expression one of innocence. ‘Well, I think we’re getting to the crux of your internal dilemma.’

The pause lengthened. Perhaps she’d always known it, but the truth felt more obvious when an outsider called her on it. ‘I admit, life’s easier for everyone if I’m in control.’

‘Good,’ he replied, and she wasn’t sure if he was congratulating her on her candour or on passing some sort of test of his, answering the question correctly. ‘So what is the decision before you?’

‘Whether or not to let my fiancé return with his parents to America, where they feel he has a better chance of recovery.’

‘Does he have a better chance over there?’

She frowned. ‘I can’t be sure, but they’re offering us no hope in the London hospital. In fact, they want me to consider switching off life support.’

‘And across the pond?’

She bit her lip. ‘They want to try some things. The doctors at a top hospital in Baltimore say there are some cutting-edge therapies that might help Will.’

‘I don’t understand why you have any dilemma,’ Robin responded.

The comment was delivered gently, but it was a bald statement that made her feel instantly remorseful that she had ever hesitated. ‘Well … er …’

‘You want him to survive, surely?’

‘Of course,’ she said, injured that he had even mentioned it.

‘Then why wouldn’t you do everything in your power to give him that opportunity? If London isn’t and Baltimore is, surely you should grab the chance that someone is prepared to try new methods and therapies to bring him back to you.’

‘I would do anything for Will. I’d risk my own life, if that was what it took.’

Something deep and knowing flashed in the pale gaze of her companion. ‘Anything?’

Now he really was sounding like a Rumpelstiltskin sort of character … was that a cunning note in his voice?

‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Anything, if it gave him back to me whole.’

‘You just want him back?’

She nodded, initially too unnerved to answer in case it was a trap; it felt like one. ‘I want Will to be safe, and if there’s something I can do to achieve that, I will do it.’ That sounded clear — a bottom-line statement that no one could misinterpret.

Robin nodded. ‘Your loyalty will serve you faithfully, Jane.’

She frowned. ‘What does that mean?’

He sat forward, ignoring her query. ‘Where is Will’s special place?’

Her puzzlement deepened. She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what you’re getting at.’

‘Well, it’s a simple enough question. Of all the places that Will might know and love, which is the most special to him?’

‘Wherever I am, of course,’ she answered flippantly, trying not to let irritation creep into her tone.

It wasn’t so much a dismissive look at her response — even though she wanted to interpret his slight smile in that way — but more that, as he regarded her, she felt only his sympathy. Something told her that he wasn’t playing with her heartstrings, he was testing her. She felt this truth simmering behind that gaze — he was making her reach toward something, but she had no idea what that something was.

‘Of course it is. He loves you, Jane. He knows you would do anything for him; that he can count on your love, your resourcefulness and your independence to pull you both through — that you will be strong enough for both of you, and that you will seize control when everything feels hopeless.’

‘Is it hopeless, though?’ she pleaded, unsure of whether they were talking reality or in riddles. It felt like the latter.

Robin shook his head slowly. ‘Never hopeless. But his life depends on your strength, your imagination, your ability to let go of things when needed, embrace others that you don’t necessarily understand and make decisions that might feel strange or dangerous. His future life and potential happiness also depend on your honesty.’

She felt utterly confused now. Was he talking about the American therapies? ‘You mean I should let him go with his parents?’ she asked. ‘Back to America?’

Robin shrugged. ‘I can only show you the pathways. You must wrestle with what you know, and reach a decision alone as to which path you should walk. I am merely a guide.’

‘A guide to what, though?’

He smiled sadly. ‘To the great tapestry of life.’ She looked at him and realised tears were welling again. If he noticed, he didn’t react. His gaze had turned dreamy. ‘We’re all connected
in various ways and our lives touch and affect one another, but the most powerful link is through the blood that connects one generation to another. Blood is the golden thread that runs through life’s tapestry.’

He was losing her. Blood … generations … threads? What was he talking about? She tried again, making her question specific. ‘Do I send Will to America for treatment?’ She was aiming for a yes or no response.