Teach Me (16 page)

             
“She is doing what she thinks is best, just like you are.” His logic is sound.

             
“Just tell me what to do,” I beg him. He shrugs his broad shoulders.

             
“I can’t do that, Cooper. Love is a strange beast.” He pats my back sympathetically. “I’m going to go sit with her for a while. Trudy is in there now.” He turns to leave me. “They take her in at seven tonight for surgery.”

             
I am alone again. Sometimes I wish for a magic eight ball. Something to give me answers because I just can’t trust myself. I know Ali doesn’t want to see me, but that doesn’t mean I am going to leave. This hospital will be my home until I know that she has made it out of the woods.

             
Eventually, I leave the restroom. I’ve been in there so long I must look like a lunatic. I find my way to the waiting room where Trudy tries to comfort me, but I’m beyond comfort. Robert joins us twenty minutes later, and the doctor finds the three of us together and explains what he is going to do in the surgery.

             
“Allison’s aortic vessel needs repair before it can burst. I will open the dilated portion of the aorta and insert a synthetic patch tube. Once the tube is sewn into the aorta, the
aneurysmal
sac is closed around the artificial tube. Though the surgery is a risk, the risk of rupture is greater.” The doctor looks at each of us, expressing the seriousness of the situation. “Allison is a healthy young woman and will be well taken care of.” He pauses and speaks only to Robert. “Surgery is a risk, and you must weigh the pros and cons of your options.”

             
Is that supposed to make us feel better? I am going to go slice her freaking heart open and put in a tube. Oh yeah, I am stoked about this. Or
if you don’t do that, she dies. Just because Ali is a healthy person doesn’t mean she is going to be okay. I wish I could trade places with her. I would rip my heart from my chest and give it to her. Now that I think about it, I kind of already did that, and she rejected it.

             
I watch as Robert and Dr. “Cut-Her-Up” sign some paperwork with a nurse. They both seem calm enough, but I am freaking out over here. I close my eyes and pull Allison’s face from the memory of our first date. She flushed often as she answered questions, her smile lighting up my world. Her laugh was contagious and shook me to my core the first time I heard it. Everything about that night was natural, and I had the foolish notion that we would spend many nights like that. Dinner and talking, walking the beach under the stars. Ali was so vibrant and full of life. Now she was defeated and
. . .
 

             
“Cooper
. . .
” I look at Mr. Starr. How many times had he said my name before I heard him? I just look up at him. “Allison was asking for you.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You need to go see her. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

             
“Sir.”
A knot of emotion plagues my nerves. “With all due respect, she doesn’t want
. . .
want me in there,” I stammer through the obvious hurt in my words. Robert puts his hands on his hips, and he shakes his head and looks at the ground.

             
“Go on son.” His voice is rough. “She asked me to send you in.”

             
I know what he is saying is true, but I still feel crushed. I make my way to the glass-walled room that Ali is in. I want nothing more than to be with her, help her to not feel scared, but I don’t know what I could possibly say or do for her now. I thought I had offered her comfort, but instead I
. . .
I don’t know what I did. I was honest and open, and she swatted me down. Ali made me a better man. I need to keep being that man for her no matter how she may feel about me.

             
I stand outside her door.

Ali’s eyes are closed, and the look on her face is peaceful. I realize that as many times as I have told her that I love her today, she hasn’t said it back once. Then why is she asking for me? Is she going to ask me to leave?  

Thirteen

Allison

             
I open my eyes to see that Cooper is standing outside my door. He looks so miserable. For a moment we just stare at each other separated by glass. He looks like he might not come in, so I motion for him to. He hesitates before entering the room, and when he enters, he doesn’t come very far inside, and he doesn’t look at me. The way he is breathing looks like he is trying to hold himself together. I want him to come to me and hold me close, to kiss my face and tell me everything will be all right.

             
“Your doctor just explained your procedure,” he says, breaking the silence, but won’t look at me. I watch him swallow. “Your dad said you asked for me.” Not a question, he just wants me to know why he is here.

             
“Yes,” I say, trying to take a deep breath. I am so frustrated at how far from me he is. I want to see into his incredible eyes. “Look at me,” I demand, almost yelling it at him. Cooper’s head snaps up and is now staring at me; his eyes look like churning water. I can feel the tears burn my own eyes. I raise my hand off the rail and reach for him.

             
Cooper looks at my hand, and the tears fall onto his cheeks. Slowly, each step taken deliberately, he makes his way to my bedside. He stares at my hand as if it is a foreign object before taking it in his. As soon as our
hands touch, I start to relax, but he seems to tense up. What do I say to the guy who just proposed to me? Sorry I said no, that I don’t want you to feel the pain of losing me? I can feel the speed of my heartbeat pick up as I realize this might be the last time I see him.

             
“I know things have changed between us,” he says slowly, “but I am going to stick around so I know that you made it out of your surgery all right, just like the doctor said you would.” Cooper squeezes my fingers, and a forced smile turns up his lips.

             
I sigh and close my eyes, forcing my negative thoughts from my mind. “You know why I had to say no,” I try to tell him, hoping he understands.

             
“You need to get your rest.” His response is barely audible as he lets my hand go. I open my eyes and watch Cooper take small steps away from me. I want to grab and shake him.

             
“I just can’t,” I mumble and start my waterworks. “I can’t put you through what my dad went through.” Cooper stops and takes a step back toward me.

             
“
You
are going to make it, Ali,” he says in a soothing tone, and I let out a hard laugh.

             
“Sure I will, just like my mom did.” Saying this out loud made me angry. Cooper came back and stood next to me, taking my hand again.

             
“I know your mom was a great woman, Ali, but you have a different heart. Your heart is stronger.” His other hand cupped my face, and warmth filled me. “I understand that I hurt you too much for you to feel the same way toward me, but you are going to go on and live a long happy life.” I stared at his soulful blue eyes. I don’t understand what he is talking about. Feel the same way toward him? 
H
For being such a smart guy, he sure is dense.

             
“I am trying to let you go on so you can live your life,” I try to tell him. What doesn’t he understand? Cooper shakes his head.

             
“I don’t think you know how much you mean to me, Allison Starr. Nothing will change how I feel about you. The only way I can go on and live my life is with you.” The way he says it sounds like he feels guilty for being so honest.

             
“Cooper.” I want to sit up and put my head against his chest and feel his arms around me.

             
“I shouldn’t have said that.” He steps back again. “You need to focus on getting better, not on
. . .
” He throws his hands up in the air. “I just can’t seem to say or do the right thing anymore. I’m sorry.” He turns around and is at the door before I could react.

             
“I love you, Cooper,” I blurt out, which uses all my energy. He freezes, as does everything else in my
words .
“I want to say yes. I want to marry you and make you happy like you make me, but can’t you see,” I choked
out. “Can’t you see I just couldn’t bear it if I knew you’d be waiting for me and I didn’t pull through?”

             
Without turning around, he answers me. “Can’t you see that I want to be there for you when you do pull through? I love you so much that
. . .
” He doesn’t finish his sentence.

“I love you too,” I whisper. Saying those three simple words seems to crash into him. When Cooper turns around, his expression is unreadable, but fresh tears cover his cheeks. He moves across the room so quickly it is almost a blur. He takes my head gently in his hands and moves closer as if he is going to kiss me. He pauses just inches from my lips and pulls back. I don’t know what expression is on my face, but all I know is how much I love him and hope that is what he sees.

             
When Cooper’s lips finally make contact with mine, nothing else seems to matter to me. I want to wrap my arms around him and pull him closer. He is being so gentle with me as if I am made from glass or a bubble about to pop. I whisper that I love him anytime we parted for air.

             
Cooper looks at the monitor next to my bedside that is tracking the rhythm of my heart then turns to see the clock on the wall. It is six-thirty. The nurse will be in any second to prep me for surgery and give me a shot to make me groggy, and all I can think about is pulling Cooper into this bed with me. I need to make it out alive for so many reasons, but the only one I can think of now is that I don’t want to die a virgin! His fingers touch
my cheek lightly and push some loose strands of hair back from my face, and neither of us moves. We just stare at each other, committing the moment to memory.

             
“I love you,” I say quietly. The corners of Cooper’s mouth pull up into a crooked smile.

             
“Ali, I won’t make the mistakes of my past anymore.” He let out a short puff of air before he continues. “I only wanted what is best for you, and I made all the wrong choices, so you are in control.” He looks down at the bed and takes a seat. “I guess what I am trying to say is that the ball is in your court. I will do whatever you want me to do. Whatever will make you
happy.
”

             
I open my mouth to tell him that
he
is what makes me happy, but I don’t because he leans in and kisses my forehead. I hear a noise from behind Cooper, but nothing else matters to me except him knowing how I feel. I slowly lift my hand, which seems to weigh at least fifty pounds, to touch his face. Cooper takes my hand and lifts it the rest of the way for me. My entire body feels heavy and nonfunctional. I want to tell him so many things, but suddenly I am too exhausted to speak, heck, keeping my eyes open is a struggle.

             
“Cooper,” I whisper, at least I think I say his name. He kisses the inside of my palm.

             
“Yes.” His voice is low and hoarse, and he opens my hand so I am cupping his cheek. I sigh and put together my thoughts.

             
“I do want to marry you,” I whisper. “I just wish things were different because I cannot bear to cause you any pain.” Now my arms are tingling and my legs are cold. “I want you to go on if I don’t make it, okay? I know you’ll grieve, but you will also move on.” I move my fingers over his face. “You will find a woman who will love you and make you happy, and I want, no, need you to know that I am fine with that.” I am surprised Cooper hasn’t interrupted me yet, so I continue. “I am just so thankful that I had the chance to fall in love before I meet my maker. You gave me such a precious gift, and I will always be grateful for the summer we spent together.” I feel like my head is being lifted up and my body jostled. I force myself to open my eyes.

             
I am in a hallway, bright lights burning my eyes above me.

             
Cooper is nowhere around. The nurse had come in and started my prep work when Cooper had sat on my bed. I didn’t say any of this
monologue
out loud; he hadn’t heard any of it. I had been being pushed into surgery—drugged—thinking I was giving him permission to let me go. Now he won’t know how I feel.

             
It is too late. I might lose Cooper forever, and he will never know how I truly feel about him. No, this is not happening. I try to push myself up to get my nurse but am unable to do so because the nurse is holding me
down, telling me that I need to calm down. I want to scream for her to understand, but it is useless.

             
No, I plead with my eyes. I need him to know
. . .
I need him.