Teach Me Dirty (37 page)

Oh God.

“And then what? When I’m at university?”

He looked at Mum and then to me. “You won’t see him again. That’s the fucking deal, Helen. I won’t tell the school, so long as you don’t fucking see him. This year, next year, five fucking years down the line, never. You talk to him, you so much as even look at him, I’ll be straight into that school, and I’ll make sure he fucking pays for what he’s done.” He drew breath and his eyes were like coals. “Don’t think I believe your tall fucking tales, either. I’ve got no fucking idea how long this shit’s really been going on, Helen, but believe me, if I need to find out, I will, and I’ll be calling the fucking police in to help me.”

My blood ran cold. “That’s so unfair. I was legal, I was an
adult
.”

“They can establish that for themselves, can’t they?” He shot me evils that cut right through my heart. “Don’t think for a second I won’t be watching you. I’ll be watching everything. Every. Fucking. Thing. One wrong move and it’s game fucking over.”

I got to my feet, and met him with a stare that came straight from the soul. Straight from my broken heart. “You don’t need to watch me,” I said quietly. “Because I would never, ever do that to him. Not in a million years. Not if my entire life depended on it.”

He groaned. “You’re so fucking deluded, Helen. You live in cloud fucking cuckoo land.”

“Mark loves me…”

He laughed, and it was so cruel. “Give me a fucking break.”

“And I love him…”

“As if
you
know what fucking love is. You need to grow the fuck up. This is nothing but a stupid infatuation, you don’t know the first fucking thing about love.”

“I know more than you think.” My voice was weak. “I know how I feel about him, and I know how he feels about me.”

“HE CAN FACE THE FUCKING MUSIC, THEN!”

I shook my head. “I never want that to happen to him. Never.” I choked back sobs. “I’ll do what you want, I promise, no phones, no internet, no anything. Just please don’t ruin him, Dad, please don’t. I couldn’t bear it! Please! I’ll do whatever you say!”

He pointed at me, jabbed his finger hard through the air. “You better not be shitting me, Helen.”

“I’m not, I swear!”

Mum covered her eyes, started crying.

Dad looked at her but didn’t react. He stood motionless and angry.

“Prove it,” he said.

***

I could barely dial the number. My fingers fought every step, my sanity shrivelling.

But my resolve stayed strong.

Dad was standing right by me, hands on his hips and an expression like death on his face.

Mark answered on the third ring.

“Helen…”

“I can’t speak long,” I said. “My dad’s with me, I just…” I choked back a sob. “I just need to say some things…”

I heard his breath hitch. “Helen, please, just listen to me. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re doing, you don’t
need
to do this. It’s ok, it’s all ok.”

I shook my head, sobbing. “Dad says he won’t tell anyone, not if I don’t see you again.”

“But that’s crazy… You know that’s crazy…”

“It’s not crazy…” I could barely get my words out. “I can’t… I won’t let this happen. Mark, I won’t let this ruin you.”

“Don’t,” he said. “It doesn’t need to be like this…”

But it did. It did need to be like this.

Dad was growing impatient. I heard him sigh.

“I told him I’ll finish this. I told him it’s over. And he’ll leave you alone, I promise.”

“Helen…”

“It’s over, Mark,” I cried. “Please don’t worry, please don’t. He’s not going to say anything.”

“I’m not worried. Helen, please, we need to talk about this…”

But we didn’t. There was nothing else to say. Nothing else I
could
say
.

Dad groaned, reached for the mobile, but I kept hold of it just long enough. Just long enough to summon my breath before it disappeared from me.

Just the tiniest whisper from my soul. A flutter in the pain. “Goodnight, Mr Roberts…”

I pressed call end, and Dad’s hand was waiting. He took the phone from me and dismantled it.

He took my laptop cable, too, made me hand it over through floods of tears.

And then he told me to get to fucking bed.

The conversation was done.

And so was I.

***

Helen

The most miserable night in existence, and it lasted forever. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think, I could hardly bear to breathe. And it hurt, it hurt so bad I could feel it inside me, a physical ball of agony, tight and sore and utterly devastated. I watched the sun come up through the curtains and I didn’t get up, didn’t want to get up. I never wanted to move again.

Mum rapped at the door at some point, but I didn’t even turn to face her. I sobbed at the sound of her voice, and hugged my pillow tight enough that my muscles cramped. I wanted to be smaller, so much smaller I’d disappear, my knees to my chest and the covers up around my ears. One tiny ball of agony sinking into nothing.

“Come on, Helen, love. Please come down… I’ll get you some breakfast, hey? Just a little bit of something. You’ve got to eat, Helen. You’ll feel so much better…”

“It’ll NEVER feel so much better!” My voice was just a sob.

“It feels like that now, love, I’m sure… but it will get better… it will.”

I couldn’t even argue, I didn’t have the fight. “Please leave me alone.”

“Don’t say that, love…”

“LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST GO!” I managed to tip my head in her direction. “Please, Mum, just leave me alone!”

She looked almost as sad as I did when she closed the door.

I heard voices. The boom of Dad’s rage from downstairs, and Mum’s shrieking. I didn’t know what they were saying and I didn’t care. And then later there was more, another voice, and my heart bled fresh pain that stole my breath.

The door opened so softly. Not even a knock.

“Hels?” Lizzie’s voice was a pathetic little whimper. “Hels, can I come in?” A sob caught her throat. “Hels, please. I need to see you…”

I cried. Oh, God, how I cried. I felt her weight on the bed, but I couldn’t face her. I didn’t want to face her.

I cried for a long time and she cried, too.

“Why?” I said. “Why did you do it, Lizzie?!”

I felt her come closer. “I didn’t mean to… Hels, please. I had no choice…”

“There’s ALWAYS a choice!”

“No,” she said. “There wasn’t!” She took a moment. “I didn’t know… about your Dad, on the bus. Or maybe I did, but I didn’t think, Hels, I didn’t even think about it. Me and Rachel got drunk at hers, and then she said we should go out, and it sounded like so much fun. And I was sad, sad about you, and I said yes, and then we got the bus… and…”

“And WHAT?”

“And your dad wanted to know where you were… he said you were with me… and I didn’t know, I just stared… I said you were with Harry, and he went mad, got up from his seat and everything…” I heard her sniff. “He wouldn’t listen to me, I said you were out with friends, from school, or maybe you’d gone home already, I said
anything
, Hels, but he knew. He knew already.”

“He didn’t KNOW!” I snapped. “He’s a suspicious, snoopy idiot! He always thinks the worst! But he didn’t KNOW! He never KNOWS! You didn’t have to TELL him!”

“I was drunk, Hels! I couldn’t think straight! I just blurted it out! I didn’t even mean to, he just went on and on, and I just said it! And I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Helen!”

And then the thought was there. The horrible thought. “Does Rachel know?! Does she know about me and Mark?!”

“No!” Lizzie said. “She got off the bus, she didn’t hear, I swear! And I wouldn’t tell her what happened, I’d never tell her, Hels! I love you too much!”

“Stop,” I cried. “Just stop.”

“I’m sorry, I swear!” she cried, too, and then she broke, and her arms were around my rigid body, crushing me deeper in the covers. “I was jealous, ok? I was jealous, and lonely, and…”

“Jealous?!” I wriggled away from her. “Why?! We were best friends, Lizzie, besties forever! YOU went off with Rachel, YOU had a new bestie!”

“No!” she sobbed. “I went off with Rachel because she was
there
. And you weren’t! I waited all week when the Christmas holidays started, ALL week, just waiting… for a call, for a text, for a happy Christmas… for anything… and you didn’t even… you weren’t even…”

“I was in love!” I said. “For fucking real, Lizzie, not some crappy
thing
that doesn’t mean anything. For
real
.” My breath hissed and caught. “I would have called! I
did
call! I called all the next week, to make it up, and you weren’t there, you didn’t want to know! And you had Scottie! You said it was going well! You said you were into him!”

She moved away from me, and there was something wrong, something really wrong. It made me roll to her, even though I was screaming inside. She faced away from me, just crying, her head in her hands, her shoulders hiccupping with the pain.

“I didn’t… Scottie didn’t…” She gulped a breath. “Scottie doesn’t want me, Helen… he never wanted me…”

“But you said…”

“I lied. I’ve only ever been with Scottie once, when he was drunk. He didn’t want me after. Didn’t even want to know me.” Her words were so quiet, so sad. “I lied to sound cool. I wanted to sound cool, ok?”

“But why?! You never needed to sound cool, Lizzie! I’d have loved you anyway, no matter what!”

“But you don’t…” she cried. “You don’t love me like I love you, Helen. You don’t feel the way I feel.”

I felt sick, sick on top of sickness. “I do love you, Lizzie… You’re my best friend…”

“No.” She shook her head. “You don’t
love
me. Not like that.” She got to her feet, walked to the window and swung it wide. She lit up a cigarette, and I watched her smoke it through teary eyes. She didn’t look like the Lizzie I knew, she looked lost, like a tiny little girl, and she was so sad.

“What’s really going on, Lizzie? What’s going on with you?”

“I’m in love with you,” she said. And I laughed, not out of malice, just because it was so absurd, the icing on the cake of absolute crapness. “Laugh if you want,” she said. “But I do. I wanted you to feel the same, but you never did… you just thought it was silly…”

“You don’t love me, Lizzie, not like that. That’s just…”

“Just what?!
Weird
?
Silly
?
Funny
?”

“No…” I blinked away tears. “Just… I didn’t think… I thought there was Scottie… and it’s just… me… I’m not anyone…”

She laughed, but it was a horrible one. “You’re
everything
, Hels. You’re cute and you’re funny, and sweet. And you’re weird, in a cool way, and you always try so hard at everything. And you listen, and you care. And you’re so pretty, Helen… you’re really pretty and you don’t even know. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met.” She smiled at me. “You think you’re so uncool, you think you’re just some weird kid… but that just makes you even cooler. When I told you about Scottie, you used to believe me, and your eyes would light up and you’d be excited for me, and I loved that. I loved the way you made me feel. It made me feel special…” She wiped away tears. “I thought you’d get over this Mr Roberts stuff, I thought it was safe. I thought we’d go away to uni and you’d be sad, but we’d get through it and maybe then… maybe then you’d feel something…”

“Lizzie…”

She shook her head. “But it
did
happen… and I tried to be happy… I
wanted
to be happy! Because you were so happy, Hels.” She choked back a sob. “I loved seeing you so happy, but it made me feel so sad…”

“I never knew… I didn’t know…”

She shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now.”

“Of course it matters…”

“You were the only thing that was good. The only thing that mattered…” She threw her cigarette out of the window. “When I was with you I felt ok, no matter what else was going on… no matter how bad things got at home… or how horrible it was… I had you…”

I felt like shit. Shit on top of shit. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, Lizzie. I’m sorry. I was just… distracted… I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s alright. You wanted to be with him. I get it.”

“I would have been there… I wanted to be there…”

She lit up another cigarette, but her shoulders were hunched, as though she hurt too much to stand. And I got that as well. I felt like that, too.

I dragged myself from the covers. Forced myself to my feet. “Can I have one of those, please?”

“A whole one?”

“I think I need a whole one.”

She handed me the packet and I lit one up.

“I’m so sorry, Helen. I got so angry and sad. I wanted to be with you… at Christmas… and I should have been happy that you were happy… but it hurt…”

I shook my head. “I should’ve called…”

“That’s no excuse. Not for what I did.”

“I do love you, Lizzie. Just not like that. I love Mark.”

She nodded and her eyes were all welled up. “I know. And I’ve ruined it.”

I forced a breath, sucked smoke deep inside and closed my eyes. “Dad was suspicious anyway. Miss Monkton, too. We weren’t careful enough.
I
wasn’t careful enough.”

“No!” she said. “Don’t blame yourself for this. This was all on me, Helen.
I
told your dad. You’d have found some way… you’d have made it work…”

“It’s all over now…” I felt the tears roll, and this time they were quiet ones.

“No! Don’t say that!”

“It is, Lizzie. It’s over. I won’t do this to him.”

“But what about him? What does
he
want?”

I shook my head. “He belongs here, Lizzie. He loves it here. I won’t take that away from him. Not for anything.” I took a long drag. “And even if I did, it would be alright, maybe. One month, one year, who knows, but one day he’d look at me and he’d see all the things he lost… because of me…”

“No!” she snapped. “No, Helen, he wouldn’t! That’s crazy!”

“It isn’t crazy.” I leaned back into the wall. “Plenty of things are crazy, but that isn’t one of them. This place has his soul.”

“No!”

“It’s already done,” I said. “It’s over.”

She sunk to the floor, her legs collapsing under her like the weight of the world was just too much to bear. And she cried, she cried so hard she couldn’t breathe, holding her chest like she was dying.

“It’s alright,” I said. “I’m not angry.”

She shook her head. “I ruined everything…”

“You didn’t.”

“I was just so alone without you… I felt so alone… and it made me feel so rotten… like all of me was dead inside…”

And then she said it. And it ripped me apart.

“It’s Ray…” she cried. “You were right about Ray. And it made me so angry, that things were so lovely for you when they were so horrible for me.”

“What?”

She looked at me and she was full of pain. “He… he makes me…”

“Oh God, Lizzie, no!” I threw my cigarette through the window and fell to her.

My heart pounded until she said the words.

“He makes me… he says I want it… but I don’t… I never wanted it… I swear I never wanted it, Hels…”

I held her tight and rocked her while she cried, and I cried, too. The world was only pain, and tears, and us.

“You have to tell me,” I sobbed. “You have to tell me everything… please, Lizzie… let me help…”

I breathed a sigh of relief as she nodded.

And then she told me everything.

***

Mark

I sealed the envelope and I propped it on the table, the handwriting so neat. Orderly.

Kenneth Briars. Head Teacher. Private and confidential.

I stared at it for a long while. Just staring, and smoking. Contemplating the reality of a letter I’d have never imagined writing a few months back.

My jaw was sore and stiff, and my nose was still tender, but the pain was in my bones in a way I couldn’t explain. It wasn’t even about guilt, or self-hatred, not anymore. This pain was pure. Clean almost.

Clean because nothing as beautiful as the way I felt about Helen could be that despicable. I just don’t believe the universe works that way.