Teach Me Dirty (38 page)

But the universe was all fucked up, and so was I.

One neat white envelope could change all that. One simple letter would change the world in every way that mattered.

I wanted to tell her first, and that’s what I planned.

I got into my car and drove right to her street, parking just far enough away that her dad wouldn’t have any warning. I walked up the alleyway at the back of her house, and I stood in the rain to check the coast was clear, to check I’d make it to her before they made me turn away.

I imagined the showdown. Ran through the likelihood of losing a couple of teeth, maybe even getting a cracked rib or two, but none of that bothered me.

Helen, we’re leaving. Both of us. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do.

I’ll sell the house and we’ll go. I’ve got savings, Helen. We’ll be fine, Helen. We’ll do everything you’ve ever wanted, Helen.

You don’t have to finish this, Helen. Please, don’t finish this.

I was about to duck under the gap in the fence when I saw her bedroom window swing open, and there was Elizabeth Thomas, and she was crying. I could see she was crying even from that distance.

I stopped, and I waited, just out of sight. I waited long enough to hear the sobs across the lawn and see Helen reach her. And then I saw Lizzie crumple and disappear, and Helen with her.

And my stomach turned and knotted, as though I was some kind of emotional voyeur.

Maybe in the scale of things, considering my own sense of urgency, it shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. It bothered me that they were both hurting so much, Elizabeth as well as Helen.

I took a breath and pushed my own priorities down the list. I could wait.

Elizabeth Thomas was a good friend to Helen, at the heart of it, and Helen was a good friend to her. That kind of bond should never be broken, and it gets broken so easily, I see it all the time.

So I walked away. Even though my heart was in my throat, and my limbs were wired with adrenaline, and resolve, and maybe a little bit of fear, I walked away.

I’d have to wait.

***

I arrived early enough to catch Kenneth before school started. The envelope was burning a hole in my pocket, and I couldn’t bear it. I just wanted this done.

I called his extension until he answered, and I told him I needed to speak with him and it needed to be now.

But then there was Helen, standing in the corridor beyond my art room, her fingers gripped so tightly before her that her knuckles were white. I hung up on Kenneth as she opened the door.

“I need to see you.”

I sighed. “Yes, I need to see you, too.”

She didn’t match my smile, not at all. Her eyes were glassy and her teeth were gritted and she looked so sad, so broken, so tiny.

“Helen, look, I’ve got so much to say…” I got to my feet and moved towards her but she shook her head.

“This isn’t… I’m not here…” she took a breath. “I need you, and it’s not for me, not right now. I just need you to help me with something, because you’re the best man I know, the best person I know, and I don’t… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to handle this…”

Professionalism dies hard, even with a resignation letter in your pocket, and I’d heard these kind of requests before, many times. They are never good, always a prelude to something truly horrible. You can see it in their eyes.

“What is it? What’s happened?”

“It’s Lizzie…”

“Ok. Tell me.”

“She’s, um… she needs… help…” She swatted a tear away, and I felt it in my throat. I took a step towards her but she took a step back.

“Where is Elizabeth now?”

Helen pointed behind her, struggling for breath. “She, um… she’s scared… in case you hate her, in case you’re angry.”

“Why would I be angry?”

Her eyes were so sad. “Because it was her… she told my dad… but she didn’t mean it, and she’s in trouble… she’s in so much trouble, Mark, I don’t even know what to do…”

I sighed. “Helen, I’d never be angry like that. Please tell her so.”

“I know, I did, but she just…” She sighed. “I’ll get her.”

Elizabeth was only around the corner. I saw Helen reach for her, pull her along by her elbow, and Elizabeth looked terrible. Nothing like the spirited young woman I’d seen around the school for so long.

I beckoned them in and closed the door behind them and pulled a couple of stools to the side of my desk. Elizabeth wouldn’t even look at me, she kept tight hold of Helen’s hand as she sat down, and then stared at her knees.

“What is it?” I said. “Elizabeth, you can talk here, say whatever you need to say. I won’t judge, I’m just here to help.” I hoped she’d meet my eyes but she didn’t. “I’ll do whatever I can, no matter what it is. We’ll work through it.”

She sobbed, a tiny little noise that hit me in the gut. “But… I’m so… I’m so sorry,” she cried. “You shouldn’t be nice to me, when I’ve ruined everything.”

I took a breath and shunted my chair forward, leaning down until my eyeline was level with hers. “Elizabeth, look at me, please.” Slowly her eyes met mine. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. None of that matters now. What matters is you. I just want to help. Will you let me help?”

“I’m sorry, though…” she cried. “I really am…”

“Don’t be,” I said. “There’s no need.”

Helen cleared her throat. “It’s her stepdad. He… um… he…”

She didn’t need to finish. My blood ran cold, and Elizabeth buckled, leaned into Helen and sobbed against her shoulder.

“How long has this been going on?”

Helen answered for her. “Three years… maybe four… she didn’t want it…”

I dropped to a crouch, and put my hand on Elizabeth’s arm, nothing intrusive, just so she could feel it. “It’s alright,” I said, and I meant it. “We’re going to get this all sorted out. You’ll be safe from now on, I promise.”

She nodded and her lip trembled.

I looked at Helen, then looked at the clock, knowing full well a stream of thirty kids would be descending any minute.

“Come with me,” I said.

***

Helen

Mark moved us into an empty room, and he was calm. So calm. He left us for just a minute and when he came back he had a notepad and a pen and some tissues and a jug of water and some glasses. He let Lizzie take all the time in the world.

He was brilliant. Kind, and steady, and strong, and I thought I already loved him as much as it was possible to love someone, but I was wrong. It made me love him even more.

She told him as much as she could tell him, and I filled in the blanks when she couldn’t speak.

She told him how Ray started looking at her when her mum wasn’t home. How he’d buy her cigarettes and pretend they were secret friends. How he started asking her for favours, because that’s what friends do. How he would get her drunk and tickle her, and then how he made her show herself to him, and put her hands on him, and act like it was all just
silly drunk fun
.

How he crept into her room at night and raped her as she cried. And then did it again, and again, and again.

How he told her her mum would never believe her, and he’d call her a slut and say it was all her fault.

How he told her she really was a slut and wasn’t worth anything.

How she believed him.

It broke my heart, because I should have known. I just didn’t want to know. I wanted to believe she was all ok and everything was great, even though I’d see it in her eyes… this
something
. This horrible, sad, desperate
something
.

I should have known, and it would eat at me forever.

Mark didn’t push her, he just let her speak and asked the right questions. In that room he was Mr Roberts again, and I felt the worry disappear.

He does that. He makes everything feel ok, even when it’s really not. Like he can shoulder the weight of the world and you’ll be safe.

It made me cry happy tears amongst the sad ones, just to know Lizzie was so safe.

And I knew he was made for this.

I knew I could never take him away from this, from all the people who needed him, all the people who relied on him, all the strength and the compassion and the brilliance he had to offer.

I could never steal this life from him, I’d rather give up my own.

When Lizzie was all talked out she was much calmer, and her eyes dried up. That’s when he did what he needed to do, and I don’t really even know what that was, and it didn’t matter.

Lizzie’s mum came in, and I left, and after a few minutes Mark left, too, and I saw Kathy Thomas hug her daughter, and cry, and they were both crying. And I cried, too.

And then there were more people, more kind people. Police, too, a lovely lady with a nice smile who told Lizzie it was all going to be ok.

Mark left when it was time, and Lizzie smiled at him like I’ve never seen her smile at anyone. She said thank you and she meant it, and he smiled back like he cared, and he meant it, too.

He led me into another room, a smaller room, with just files and certificates and one little desk, and I could feel him, so close. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to hold him.

“She’ll be ok,” he said. “We’ll make sure of it. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Thank you.” I hugged myself and kept my distance.

“You did the right thing.”

“I should have known what was going on.”

He shook his head. “She didn’t want you to know. This isn’t your fault.”

“I still should’ve known.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Helen. You did the right thing and it counted, and she’ll be ok now.”

I took a breath. “She’ll be ok now because of you.”

“No, Helen. Because of you,
you
gave her the strength to talk about it.”

I nodded, but I didn’t really feel it.

“Helen, please look at me.”

I did, and it made my heart hurt. “I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be here. I promised my dad, I swore to him…”

“There’s no need to swear anything to anyone,” he said. He pulled out an envelope and it made me feel sick, even before I knew for sure what it was. “I’m going to hand this in, and I’m going to leave this place. I want you to come with me. We can go wherever you want, and do whatever you want to do. I’ll come to Aberystwyth, if that’s what you want. You can stay in dorms with Lizzie if that’s what you want, and I’ll just be around, or you can move in with me.” He sighed. “Whatever you want, Helen. Whatever that is.”

I couldn’t breathe. It stopped my heart.

As much as I wanted it, and oh God, how much I wanted it, I just couldn’t. I was shaking my head as the tears fell. “No,” I said. “You can’t.”

He smiled. “It’s just a letter, that’s all it takes.”

But he couldn’t. I wouldn’t let him.

I took the letter from his hands and I ripped it up and put it in my pocket while he stared. And he was confused, so confused.

“You belong here,” I said. “You’re good in this place. You’re really good. And people need you, and you love it here.”

“I’ll love it wherever you are.”

I shook my head. “Maybe at first, but to give up so much, that isn’t fair. I won’t let it happen.”

“I think that’s my decision,” he said.

“You love this place, you love that house!”

“Yes, and I love other things, too.”

I stepped away, clearing as much distance as I could. “What about Anna? What about the memories? Dad would never let you stay. He’d hound you out of everything, believe me.”

He flinched, but didn’t falter. “So be it. I don’t care.”

“You do care!”

“I know what I want, Helen.”

I focused all of my resolve, everything, on this one tiny moment. This one tiny moment where I could do the right thing. For him.

“And
I
know what
I
want,” I said. “And I want you to stay here.”

He scoffed. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“That’s just guilt, and there’s no need for it.”

“Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s because my heart knows you, and knows you need this place as much as it needs you.”

There was a flash of pain in his eyes and I saw it. “Helen, stop it. Please.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m going to have to print out a new letter now.”

“Please don’t.”

My tone took him aback. “Don’t do this, Helen. Please don’t buy into that shit from your dad. He can hound me out if he wants, and I’ll go gladly, but I won’t have you dragged into his pathetic reasoning over a guilty conscience.”

I pulled my shoulders back. “You need to stay.”