Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (17 page)

Pulling a deep breath in before breathing that same breath out, I began to count. I was on my third breath out, when I hugged my arms around my middle so tightly, I felt as though I just might crush my ribs. But it’s this pressure that helps me relax. It’s this pressure that brings me back down from my self-induced terrorization.

I was so lost in my own crazy, that I didn’t even feel the bed shifting as Austin woke. Before I knew it, his legs were framing my body as he positioned himself behind me, wrapping me tightly in his arms. His hands were holding my middle just as tightly as I needed him to.

I’m honestly not sure how long it took for my crazy to fade, and the reality of the morning I’ve ruined with said crazy, to begin to form before my eyes. Shame flooded through me as I relaxed into his chest, feeling spent, weak, and humiliated.

Tears stung my eyes and threatened my vision as I listened to the erratic sounds of Austin’s breathing in my ear. He sounded almost as though he’d run a marathon and I could feel his heart beating hard in his chest against my back.

“I’m so sorry,” I croaked a pathetic sound.

“What happened?” He asked gently against my temple, still holding me. I could sense by the tightness of his arms around me that he had no intention, what so ever, of releasing me.

I’d probably scared the ever-loving life right out of him.

“I don’t really know,” I lied. The last thing I wanted to do was tell him that I was never a moment away from absolute disaster. Not only was it humiliating, but also, I liked the way Austin looked at me as though he saw strength somewhere inside. I didn’t want to lose that.

“You’re lying,” he spoke softly, still holding tightly to me. “I’ve seen this before, Madison.”

I tensed. “You have?”

“Yeah,” he started rocking our bodies slowly on the edge of the bed. “The first time I saw you in the coffee shop, you had the same wild look in your eyes as you did just now.”

I felt my body deflate as all hope of keeping this part of myself from him dissipated. “I struggle,” I pulled in a deep breath as I tried not to cry. “The internet says I struggle from anxiety.”

I felt his body jerk and I wondered if he was laughing at me. “The internet?”

He was laughing at me!
The fact that he found this at all humorous should have pushed me into a hell-fire kind of rage, but it didn’t. In fact, it did the exact opposite. It made me feel—weightless.

“Do you think this is funny?”

His arms tightened around my middle again. “Not at all.” He pressed his lips against my bare shoulder. “But I had no idea you were certified to Google Diagnose.”

I rolled my eyes at his smart-ass response. “All my symptoms fit.”

“You should see a doctor.”

I shook my head, leaning back into his warmth. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because then my parent’s will know there’s something wrong with me.”

“They don’t have to know if you don’t want them to know.”

“I’ve been seeing my family doctor ever since I was tiny. He’s a friend of my Dad’s. I doubt he’d diagnose me with anxiety and keep that from my parents.”

“He legally can’t say anything to them, Madison,” Austin’s tone was a little colder than usual. “You should know that being that your father works in law.”

“I do know that,” I sighed. “But I also know that somehow, someway, they’d find out.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“Yes.” I stiffened, feeling my heart quicken. “They barely give me any space to breathe as it is. If they knew, they would become unbearable.”

As though sensing my growing agitation, Austin kissed my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I won’t push for you to see a doctor, but I need you to promise me that you’ll be open and honest with me when you feel an episode coming on, okay?”

I nodded. “They only really happen when I feel as though I have no control.”

He kissed me again. “With me, you always have control.”

I turned to look into his deep blue eyes. “But I don’t.”

He frowned. “How don’t you?”

My throat felt tight as I spoke again. “I have no control over the feelings I have for you, Austin. They keep growing, keep getting so much more intense, and there’s nothing I can do about them.”

“Do you want your feelings for me to stop growing?”

Blinking, I shook my head. “No.”

“Then stop fighting your feelings, and you might stop feeling as though you have no control.” He kissed the tip of my nose and I felt a lightheartedness grow in my bloodstream. “Life is short, Madison. Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone they can love completely. If you’re blessed with loving someone, and having their love in return, never fight it. Never let the fear you might feel toward the emotion and its repercussions keep you from experiencing the beauty of love.” He kissed my temple. “I promise you, it will always be worth it. I believe this with my whole heart. It’s always worth it to love.”

Not knowing what to say, I simply repositioned myself and kissed him. His lips on mine weren’t hungry as they had been the night before. Instead, they were soft and quenching. They were as necessary as my next breath and just as accepted. I knew that I could kiss him like this every minute of every day for the rest of my existence, and my thirst for him would never be fully sated. There was something about that thought that I loved. I loved believing in the deepest part of me, that I could, and would, never grow tired of him.

Pulling back, he sighed. “I should probably get breakfast ready.”

I smiled. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”

He shook his head. “Not at all, sweetheart.”

I wiggled from his lap and he let me go. I promised as I walked backward toward the bathroom, “I’ll see you in the kitchen soon.”

I had the biggest smile on my face as I walked from my bedroom and into the kitchen. It was still early, just before 8:00 am, but the sun was already shining high and hot in the sky.

I paused in my steps as the smell of coffee hit me like a brick and my eyes lifted from the floor where I’d been gazing like a love-sick puppy, to Kaiden. He was leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand. One brow was raised as he appraised me thoughtfully.

“Madison spent the night, huh?”

“She did.”

“Thought you took her home,” I couldn’t tell if it was a question or a statement.

“I did,” I shrugged, pulling a mug from the cupboard. “Then I went and picked her up again.”

Kaiden nodded thoughtfully. “You gonna tell her?”

My entire body tensed. “Can we not do this today? Please.”

His eyes met and held mine for way longer than I was comfortable, but I didn’t look away. I didn’t want to have this conversation at this time in the morning, and I definitely didn’t want to have it when Madison was in the next room. The last way I wanted her to find out about me was by overhearing a tense conversation I was having with my brother.

Slowly, he nodded. But when he spoke, I tensed all over again. “What is it that you want from her, Austin? I mean, what do you really want from her?”

Looking down into my coffee, I replied quietly. “I want her heart.” Lifting my eyes to my brothers, I repeated. “I want her whole heart. If I could, I’d make that my dying wish.”

He flinched, but then his signature ass-hat grin appeared. “Well, it’s a damn good thing you aren’t dying today. Cause if that’s what you want, then you’ve definitely got your work cut out for you, man.”

Relieved at the tension I felt falling from the space between us, I grinned. “I’ll get there. Don’t you worry, Kai.”

Kaiden took a sip of his coffee. “I ain’t worrying about you at all, man.”

By the time Madison appeared from my bedroom in a pair of jeans and a flowing light pink tank top, I had bacon and eggs cooked and toast buttered. Kaiden hadn’t gone back into his bedroom and I wondered if his date had already gone.

Raising a brow to his bedroom door, I asked my silent question and he smirked. “Why do you think I’m up so early? Had to drive her home. She had to work.”

Madison frowned at the sound of Kaiden’s answer to my unspoken question. “Who are you talking to?”

“Your boy toy,” he winked at the sight of her blush. “He wanted to know where my sex kitten went.”

“Eww,” she scrunched her nose and I grinned. “You seriously did not just call her that.”

“Oh, but I did.”

“You need to learn how to respect people, Kaiden,” she shook her head, clearly displeased. “Someday, someone is going to teach your heart a lesson that you’re going to hate learning.”

“And who might that someone be?” He leaned toward her, goading her.

She stiffened, “Karma.”

I laughed at Kaiden’s frown. “She has a point, Kai.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he popped a piece of bacon into his mouth. “Until then, I’ll stick with my destructive ways.”

Madison glared at him before looking to me. “Do you mind taking me home before the barbeque?” She looked down. “I’d kind of like to change into something lighter.” She glanced out at the bright sun peeking through the window. “It’s going to be a hot one.”

“I sure can,” I nodded. “I need to stop by the shop for a couple of hours today, but I’ll drop you off at home and pick you up when I’m done, if that works?”

“That would be great.”

We finished breakfast, listening to Kaiden talk about a whole lot of nothing before we set out to take her home. I noticed as I drove, that she’d looked worriedly at her phone multiple times.

“You okay?” I asked, nodding at the phone in her lap.

She looked down before blinking back up at me. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Have they noticed you’ve been gone?”

She sighed, “My Mom noticed. I don’t think she told my Dad, though.”

“Is she angry?”

“I think she’s just worried about me, actually,” she sounded tense. “I’ve never really been the wild child, if you know what I mean.”

“I’d hardly consider you a wild child, baby,” I smirked.

“Well, you didn’t know me before.”

“Before what?”

“You.”

“Are you saying I changed you?” I asked somewhat tensely.

She shook her head thoughtfully. “No. You didn’t change me. You just helped me find the courage I needed to be the girl I’ve always been.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, Austin,” she reached across the bench seat to grip my hand tight. “I’m sure.”

“Good.” I smiled. “The last thing I want to do is change you.” My eyes scanned her face and I spoke before I even realized I’d formed a thought. “You’re perfect as you are.”

She beamed, blushing slightly. “Thank you for being you, Austin.”

I pulled into her driveway, leaning over the seat to kiss her. “No problem, baby.”

A small giggle tumbled from between her lips as she turned away from me to hop out of the truck. As I was backing out of the driveway, I saw a woman walk from the main house and I knew instantly, that she was Madison’s mother. She was beautiful, just like Madison. I was surprised when her eyes met mine and they didn’t look angry, but curious. I didn’t have time to ponder her stare for long as I backed out of the drive and onto the road.