Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (22 page)

I quietly said the words I had yet to admit out loud. I’d admitted to wanting to write, just not stories. “I want to be a writer.” I added. “I mean, I want to be an author—of books.” My face flamed. “Do you think that’s possible?”

“I don’t think, Madison, I know.” She shifted closer to me. “If you want to be an author, you will have an inspirational life from which you will be able to draw from and share with the world. Your life will give you things and people who can inspire you to create beautiful stories.” She looked to her boys and their father and her eyes misted. Her voice was shaking as she continued. “Life is beautiful, sweetie, but life is also the greatest pain you will ever experience, for it is precious. Life is so precious and can be taken or threatened in only a moment. It is given with great pain and when it is taken, it’s even greater. Within life you will feel abundant pleasures and sensational emotions that are both wonderful and terrifying.” She squeezed my knee. “Life is not fair. You will hurt, dear girl, but you will stay strong and you will project that hurt into something beautiful and inspiring. You will make memories, and the events that have marked your soul will be those with which you will fill the pages of your novels, that you will then share with the world. Your stories, if you push forward through it all, will be the album of your life that you offer to the people of this world and graciously pray that they accept you as you are. Beautiful, sensational, and flawed.”

I didn’t realize it until she’d stopped talking, but I had forgotten to breathe. Listening to Gracie’s words, I felt shaken. I was rattled down to my very core as I stared into her eyes that were a blue that was so much lighter than Austin’s. Austin had his father’s eyes—and they were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. But Gracie’s eyes, in this moment, were the only eyes I had ever looked into that held such potent grief. Within the grief was a thankful happiness that felt so terribly out of place where it resided in the stricken lines of her face.

I couldn’t have said how long I sat this way with her; with her hand on my knee and my eyes connected to hers. I felt stripped and warned. I felt afraid and cracked open. I felt so many things.

Finally, Gracie blinked. At this delicate little movement a small globe of water tumbled from the corner of her eye. It traveled a path over her cheek, streaking it with the pain it left behind. The strip of grief glistened gold in the light of the amber flames licking high into the black night sky. Seeing it there, so alive and blatant on her face, kicked my heart.

Gracie was a beautiful woman and I had no doubt that she had lost something fierce. I had no doubt that her grief was the highest it could be. I had no hesitation in that moment, to hug her.

Before my mind had even decided I needed to do this, my arms were around her and I was pulling her tightly against me, nearly falling out of my chair to hold her. I didn’t know her, but I sensed within her an ache so pure and desperate, the only thing I knew to do was hold her tightly. Sometimes words weren’t enough, not in moments where there are no words. Sometimes the thing we need most is the thing we fear—connection.

She pulled back but didn’t release me. She shifted so her head was no longer over my right shoulder but over my left. At this small shift, I felt her chest press so tight against mine I was almost breathless.

She whispered into my hair. “This is a heart hug, dear girl. When you hug someone, give them all you’ve got. Give them a heart hug.”

I didn’t know what she meant by this, but I nodded regardless. I made a mental note to ask Austin about it later tonight. Now wasn’t the time. So rather than responding with words, I squeezed my arms around her tighter and I didn’t let her go until I felt her body shake abruptly and a small sob broke loose. Then I heard her take in a deep breath and I knew she didn’t need me anymore. She was strong enough now, although I didn’t know what had caused her grief to surface. The soul she lost had to have meant the world to her to induce this raw pain from only a few beautiful words.

Looking away from Gracie for the first time, my eyes lifted and found Austin without any work at all. He was across the yard with Kaiden and Keith, and he was staring at me with an intensity that flipped my stomach and squeezed my heart. He looked terrified and hopeful at once. I didn’t know what to do with the way he was looking at me—so I did nothing at all.

I didn’t move when his legs started to carry all that he was across the yard, closer to both me, and his Mom. I didn’t even breathe. I couldn’t. I was rooted to the chair, locked in the intensity of his gaze.

“I’ll let you two have a moment,” Gracie said, but I still didn’t tear my eyes from Austin.

She stood and moved away as he came to stand in front of me. And then he knelt at my feet, his chest level with my knees, his eyes peering into my face, searching my own eyes. “You okay, sweetheart?”

I nodded, breathing a shaky, “Yes.”

His hands hooked around the back of my calves and he dropped his head into my lap, his forehead resting against my knees. A breath of relief wheezed from his lungs as he found himself, grounding himself. I would have felt mighty awkward having his head in my lap with his family in such close vicinity if there hadn’t been such fear-filled agony in the depths of his eyes. I wasn’t concentrated on his family at all. The only thing I could see was Austin. The only one I could concentrate on, was him.

I placed my hand on his shoulder; I moved it to the bared skin of his neck. I let my fingers travel gently into his soft hair, pulling shivers from his body as I roamed, exploring. “Austin,” I whispered his name, feeling his head shift against my knees. “Talk to me. You’re scaring me.”

He lifted his head, his eyes meeting mine. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, Madison.”

My breath caught. “Austin,”

He didn’t let me continue. “You’ve become my world and I’ve only known you a matter of weeks. How does that happen?”

I shook my head. “I-I don’t know.”

He blinked so slowly, I felt as though the world had stopped turning for just a moment.

For just a moment we were the only two souls on this earth.

For just a moment—Austin was it for me.

“Do you want to go somewhere with me?”

I nodded, because I knew he wanted to go somewhere and I really just wanted to be and do everything that he needed. I just wanted to take away this look in his eyes. I wanted to feel that easy happiness that I had come to associate with Austin. And I wanted it now.

“Yes,” I smiled down into his face. “Take me anywhere.”

His full lips curled into a beautiful grin and his breath was heavy when he stood from his crouched position at my feet. His hands rested on my thighs for a moment, before they moved up to where my hands were resting in my lap. He gripped them in his, tugging me up from the chair. My knees felt weak, but it was no matter. I could have been walking on hot coals and I still would have continued for Austin. I had a feeling that I would do almost anything for him. Anything at all.

Austin turned to face his parents and Kaiden who had come to stand beside the fire once again. They were talking amongst themselves, but I could see that they were also watching Austin and I carefully, as though they were waiting for something to happen. I just didn’t know what.

“We’re going to call it a night,” Austin announced and I blushed at the thought of what they might be thinking about Austin and I calling anything a night.

Gracie nodded, her hand gripping Keith’s tightly. “You two have a nice evening. It was lovely meeting you, Madison.” She smiled at me, but I couldn’t help but note that her lips were trembling. “Come by whenever you like. You are always welcome here.”

“Thank you,” I returned her smile with one of my own. “It was lovely meeting you as well.”

“Later cutie,” Kaiden waved and beside me, Austin sighed.

“Goodnight, Kaiden.”

Keith waved at me as Austin pulled me away from the fire to the path we had taken to get to the back yard in the first place. Away from the fire, and still in my summer dress, the night was a lot cooler. But Austin didn’t seem to notice. He seemed almost lost in his thoughts.

It wasn’t until we reached the gravel road, and were half way back to his trailer, that he spoke. “Want to go down to the river?”

Instead of telling him that I was cold, I nodded. “Sure.”

He pulled me off the road, and onto a path that was nestled snuggly between thick trees. We walked hand in hand until the path became too narrow, and then he walked in front of me, leading the way. It was really dark. I wasn’t sure if I should make a break for the house where there was light and warmth, or if I should continue following Austin, while he was in such an odd mood. I wanted to question him, but I also didn’t want to push for his thoughts. I knew what it felt like to be pushed for answers you weren’t ready to share. I didn’t want to be that person; the one who pushed. So rather than moving toward the light and warmth of his home, I continued trudging on behind him, farther from the light and warmth, and deeper into the cool darkness of the forest.

Before I knew it, we were exiting from the thickness of the trees and into a rocky clearing before the water. The sky was embedded with billions of shimmering silver dots against the obsidian backdrop, and the moon was bright, almost completely full. It shone down on the water, making it glow almost silver—like a wild enchanted snake slithering over the land. It was a beautiful picture, almost hauntingly so.

I watched Austin as he moved closer to the edge of the river. He paused to stand on a large rock where the shimmering water stretched to reach and continuously failed. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts and rocked on his heels. He tipped his head back toward the sky and closed his eyes, breathing deep and audible. Austin was a deep breather in general, but I loved the sound. To me, the sound of his breathing and the beating of his strong heart were music. I loved cuddling with him on the couch with my head on his chest. I could listen to the melody of his heartbeat for eternity and never grow bored.

I could also stand here and listen to him breathe if I didn’t sense that there was something wrong. Something was bothering him—deeply.

But what?

“Austin?” I spoke his name and although he didn’t turn around to look at me, he murmured deep in his throat, acknowledging me. I pressed on, “Is everything okay?”

My question was met with silence that throbbed between us. Not quite sure what to do, I stood still and waited for him. I wanted to be strong for him and I wanted to be his comfort, but how was I to go about being that for him, if I didn’t even know the catalyst of his distress? I didn’t know what to do.

I really couldn’t say how long we stood this way for; Austin looking up to the heavens and me staring at him, but it was a while. Finally, he turned to me. I couldn’t be certain, but if I had to make a bet, I’d bet that his eyes were moist with unshed tears. This did something to me. It broke something inside of me. Knowing that whatever he was feeling pained him deeply and he wasn’t sharing. I wanted him to share, but I wanted him to share his sorrows with me when he was ready and not a moment sooner. Whatever was hurting him had been brought on by seeing his mother cry. Maybe he’d felt deeply for whomever she had lost, as well. Again, I didn’t know. I was only guessing, until he let me in.

Taking in a deep breath, I asked. “What is a heart hug?”

His eyes swung to connect with mine. Even beneath the twinkling black sky, they were the most stunning eyes I had ever looked into. From where he stood at the river’s edge, his body half facing the river and half facing me, with the moon peering down on us, they were the brightest blue I’d ever lost myself within.

Now, though, as his eyes roamed over my face, silver seemed to vein through the ocean of cobalt. The moon literally existed in his eyes, making him appear almost ethereal. He was something the world considered so terribly flawed, but in this moment, I knew with undoubted certainty that he was a soul to which the heavens had gifted upon this earth. He was an angel sent to deliver my soul—a gift to me.

Austin Weir was my guardian and teacher. Because of him, because of all he’d shown me, and had yet to show me, I would live. He was here on this earth as we all were, on borrowed time. There was no doubt that heaven above mourned for the loss of their angel, and awaited the day he would again be theirs. Still, though, when I prayed, I prayed that I would have a lifetime with this man. A lifetime for heaven is a blink of an eye, but I sense deep inside, having to live even a blink without Austin, is too much. Still, I prayed. I prayed that I would love him and be loved by him. That he would cherish me and I would in turn forever cherish him. That we would always be Austin and Madison. I prayed that he would forever walk this beautiful journey of life with me. Because I loved him.

He was my guardian and he was my teacher. He was my best friend and the soul my own found the strength to love, or simply couldn’t refuse loving.

He was my everything.

“What is a heart hug,” he repeated. The corners of his beautiful lips tugged into what can only be described as an impish grin. “You’ve been talking to my Mom.”

He knew this. He’d seen me talking to her and he’d seen her crying. He’d also seen me hugging her. Still, I replied. “I have.”

He stepped toward me and I was breathless, ensnared within the brilliant shimmer of heavenly silver bleeding through the blue of his deep ocean eyes. My heart was a mess of chaotic beats in my chest. Such a beautiful mess.

“A heart hug is a way of hugging that Mom says connects the hearts of two people in an embrace. When you hug someone with your head over their right shoulder, you’re pulling your hearts, the organ of love and affection, farther away.” His voice was so deeply rough and breathy that I shivered. “But when you hug someone with your head over their left shoulder,” he stepped forward closing the distance between us as though he were a panther on the prowl. Every inch of my flesh became aware of him and goosebumps prickled my skin, heightening my senses. “Like this,” he pulled me into his arms, wrapping himself around me tightly with his head over my left shoulder. “You’re pulling your hearts as close as you possibly can. Like this, wrapped in a heart hug, you become as close as you possibly can to another human being, without actually connecting.”