Teaching Kids to Think (28 page)

The message for young adults is that almost any goal is achievable. There may just be a different road to get there than what they expected.

C
HAPTER
12

Parents Have Grown Accustomed to Instant Gratification Too

We are all becoming accustomed to the rapid pace of our culture. I find myself getting very impatient with the computer when I am working in more than one program at a time. If I try to enter something and the computer doesn't respond quickly, I tend to push so many buttons that the whole thing freezes up in revolt.

—Dr. Darlene

Part of the reinforcement for instant gratification for children and teens is that parents get caught up in the phenomenon too. Think of the frustration you feel when a video is buffering or there is a weak Wi-Fi connection. We usually react with surprise and frustration. Waiting even a minute can seem like forever. If right now you pause and observe the seconds pass on your watch for a minute, you will actually see how long that feels.

As adults, we also have become accustomed to an onslaught of information anytime we want it. Not only do we appreciate our computers and smartphones because they allow us to stay up to date on current events, emails, and the news, but we also use them as a quick and efficient way to tackle interpersonal communication. It is very easy for adults to get caught up in the social media frenzy. This activity can consume several hours in a day. Many adults have told us that they have canceled their social media accounts because it was taking up so much free time. They could not stop themselves from checking it continuously.

Because this drive for things to happen quickly is so infused into our culture, it is particularly important for parents to be aware of how they inadvertently support instant gratification as an expectation in their children.

Have Patience

Does the following scenario sound familiar?

A parent interrupts a conversation with you to read a text from her child. She is distracted with the text conversation and then talks about what problem the child wants solved until receiving another text that there was a resolution.

The temptation for parents to jump in to rescue their children from problems can often be due to a lack of patience on the parents' part. In fact, solving a child's problem quickly can feel like a relief to parents. You probably recognize the foregoing scenario in yourself, others, or both. Texting offers such an easy and immediate avenue to get solutions to your children. In this way, a quick reply with a solution, or even suggestion, reinforces instant gratification in both children and their parents.

Very often, a parent gets caught in the rescue trap because the
parent
has a hard time waiting. Many times children and teens come to their parents with a complaint about something that is happening in their life. It takes a lot of patience to be a good listener, not offer any suggestions, and, ultimately, avoid the rescue trap. It would be much easier to offer advice or tell them what to do. Yet this not only takes away opportunities for them to solve problems and find solutions on their own, but it also communicates to them that problems should be solved quickly.

Be Aware of the Messages You Send

You know the saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” meaning “Don't imitate my behavior, just obey my instructions.” Sometimes parents inadvertently give their child mixed messages that, as a result, actually support or teach undesirable behaviors to children. For example, parents regularly share with us that they want their children to be polite and show good manners, such as not interrupting when a parent is on the phone. The parent may say, “Don't interrupt me. I am on the phone” several times to no avail. Even though the parent is getting increasingly frustrated with the child, the child continues to pester. The parent then falls into the hurried trap, gives in, and quickly answers the child's question so they can continue their conversation. This teaches children that their parent's frustration does not matter. Instead, children learn that if they persist, they get what they want. Children will see their own needs as more important than the needs of others, and their desire for instant gratification is supported.

In my waiting room, I observed the following scenario. A mother was on her cell phone and her son was interrupting her because he wanted the Wi-Fi password for his iPod Touch. She asked him to wait and he proceeded to become frustrated with her, pull on her arm, and ask louder for the Wi-Fi password. The mother asked the person she was talking with to please wait and quietly gave her son the password. She finished her phone call and, just as quietly, took his iPod, told him he would not be able to use it until after the weekend, and not to interrupt her when she is on the phone. She maintained her composure for the person on the phone, but her actions clearly communicated to her son that interrupting her was not acceptable. I don't intervene with scenarios like these because outside of my office, I am not there to step in and they are great teaching moments that we can discuss in the upcoming session. In this case, I learned a great strategy from her.

—Dr. Darlene

Parents also model how to use electronics by their own actions. Adults are often complaining or making jokes about how teenagers always have a phone in their hands. Many parents go so far as to describe it as an “addiction.” Parents try to set limits on cell-phone use and break their kids of this habit by telling them it is a distraction and inappropriate. Then those same parents take out their phones to check emails, text messages, and news reports when they are spending time with the family. Pay attention to how many times you check your phone when waiting with your family at a restaurant, at a child's sporting event, or even with kids on a vacation. Parents also need to be watchful of their intolerance for downtime. In the previous example, the child was eager to fill downtime with an electronic device. That mother dealt with it very well, but how often do parents promote the intolerance by modeling it with their own actions?

Children and teens are very picky about which lessons from their parents they choose to follow. Do you think they will do as their parents
say
and decrease the amount of time they spend on their phone or do what their parents
do
and keep the phone close so they can check incoming information constantly?

Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes Too

If you are reading this book, there is a high likelihood that you want to learn tips on how to raise children and teens in the Instant Gratification Generation. That means that you want to support the children in your life in dealing with the unique challenges of this generation. Whether you are coaching, rearing, teaching, or just thinking about kids in this generation, the fact that you are seeking this information shows you care—and that's what matters most. Doing everything “right” as a parent is not realistic. Making a mistake doesn't mean you're not capable.

As we saw in
chapter 3
, it is important not only for your state of mind but for your children's as well to allow yourself to make mistakes. If you always come off as the expert, they feel they need to be experts too. They will interpret your desire for perfection as a message that it is what you expect of them and you won't be proud of anything less. On the other hand, when they see you make mistakes, they come to be more tolerant with their own mistakes.

In addition, children need to see you struggle with some things because they can really benefit from seeing adults deal with mistakes openly. This gives them opportunities to observe how you deal with the frustration and then how you pull it together to solve problems.

A very common mistake parents make with their children is impulsively giving them a consequence for something they did that they later realize is either too lenient or too strict. It is a very common issue and one that can be addressed while teaching children an important lesson, because we all know they react to their emotions impulsively too.

Take the scenario of a parent reacting in anger by giving a consequence that is too strict. For example, a child disrespects his parent in the grocery store and the parent tells the child she will lose electronics for a month. The parent later realizes that a month is probably too long for the punishment, so starts acquiescing after a couple of days and lets the child use electronics a little more each day. Instead of giving the child mixed messages by trying to cover the mistake, parents need to talk with their children about their thoughts.

“Joe, I was so angry in the store because you were being disrespectful to me, but I reacted too strongly. When I got home, I realized that losing your electronics for a month was an exaggerated reaction. I made a mistake and I am changing it to a week.”

Alternately, if you realize that the consequence you set was too lenient you can also make that clear to your children.

“Jane, I know I said you would only lose electronics for the weekend, but when I got home I remembered that the last time you were disrespectful toward me, I told you that you would lose them for a week. Now you will not be able to use electronics for a week.”

This models for kids how to fix a mistake when they react impulsively. It also shows that you are using good reasoning by considering what you said before, and are thoughtful in how you choose to respond to their behavior. This is exactly how you want them to react to others.

All parents make mistakes. Don't feel like you are going to read this book, or any other, and do everything that is suggested all the time. Just as you want to teach your children to be thoughtful and considerate when they approach life's challenges, mistakes and all, you need to give yourself the same benefit.

The Pressure to Keep Up

The pace of our society is very fast. Some people really thrive in this fast pace and others prefer it a little slower and feel overwhelmed by it. Just as with anything else, each person experiences it differently. This is true for parents as well as their children.

The ease with which we are able to communicate and share information has significantly increased the pressure parents feel to involve their children in every activity. Parents can't help but compare themselves against other parents who talk, send emails, or post on social media about their children's activities, programs, and academic success. This kind of information sharing can be helpful and positive, but think about the sheer variety and number of programs parents are hearing about today. If your child plays a sport, you get all the information on off-season practice and league play. If your child attended a camp, you get information about all the other programs the camp offers, and if you had any communication with an agency about your child, you now get emails from all the sister agencies. This can be extremely overwhelming and cause parents to doubt that they are doing enough for their children, which leads to anxiety.