Tears of Endurance (Romantic Drama) Book #1 (13 page)

Chapter twenty two

Arianna sat in front of Casey with a desperate look on her face. “Oh for goodness sake, will you just tell me already.”

“
Okay, but you can’t say anything to anyone until I have told Ben, okay?”

“
Okay, now tell me, Arianna. You’re worrying me now.”

“
I’m pregnant, Casey. Can you believe it? Me, pregnant.”

Casey was dumbfounded. Speechless, she leapt from her chair and threw her arms around Arianna so tight they almost fell backwards.

“Oh my God, Arianna, that’s wonderful news. The best news ever. Your mum is going to be beside herself, that’s for sure. So why the reluctance? I sense you’re not quite happy about this.”

“
I am nervous about telling Ben, what if he is not ready for this? What if he pushes me away? I’m afraid of his reaction, Casey. I want him to want it because I want it, because I think we will make great parents and most of all because I am ready. It’s not like we are teenagers or anything. We are both heading towards 40, it seems like the right time for us both.”

“
Arianna, Ben will be blown away for sure. He is so in love with you that even if you grew an extra head, he would still be happy. I cannot believe you haven’t told him yet.”

“
Well, it’s not for the want of trying, Casey. I tried all night last night to reach him but his phone was turned off and it hasn’t been on since. I’ve left numerous messages for which I’ve received no reply. So I called Tristan and asked him if he’d heard from Ben and he said no. He said he would get hold of him for me and get him to call me and that’s the last I’ve heard from either of them.”

“
Seems a little strange, I have to admit. Have you tried calling Tristan back today?”

“
Oh yes, about three times and now his phone has been switched off too.”

“
Look Arianna, it’s probably nothing to worry about. Ben will call you today I am sure of it, so stop worrying, okay.”

“
Yes, I guess you’re right. My emotions are all over the place. I am probably over reacting right now.”

Arianna spent over an hour catching up with Casey before they parted ways. Casey always found the right words for just the right moment and knew just how to ease Arianna
’s worries. After making a quick change, Arianna decided to drop by Tristan’s studio to see what was going on. She felt like something was off and she needed to know what.

Arianna parked at the back of Tristan
’s studio and climbed out of the car. She could see his car right at the back and felt relieved that he was there. She walked through the doors and scanned the studio. She slowly walked down the steps and then he appeared from his little office at the back.

Tristan looked like he
’d seen a ghost. Arianna was the last person he was expecting to see for a few days. He had no idea what he was going to say to her. He shifted on his feet, avoiding her gaze, and carried on with his work.

“
Tristan, what the hell is going on? You never got back to me. Did you get hold of Ben? Who, by the way, is still avoiding my calls.”

Tristan stopped what he was doing and looked into Arianna
’s sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Arianna, you need to talk to Ben. The two of you need to talk.”

Arianna felt sick. She wondered if Ben had met someone else, that
’s why Tristan was off with her and could barely look her in the eyes. “Tristan, will you stop what you’re doing for one moment, please. I really need to get hold of Ben. I have something really important to tell him.” Arianna wiped a tear escaping down her cheek then turned to the window and looked outside, falling silent, not knowing what else to say.

Then the words just fell out of her mouth before she could stop them.
“I’m pregnant, Tristan. I found out yesterday. So please, tell Ben I really would like to speak with him,” cried Arianna.

Tristan walked up to Arianna and wrapped his arms around her tightly.
“Oh Arianna, you both really need to talk and soon.” Tristan stood back and wiped the tears from her face. “Come on, I will take you to him right now. I can’t stand this. There are things that need to be talked about, Arianna.”

Tristan
’s tear-filled eyes were worrying her. She couldn’t imagine what was going on, and nothing was making any sense. Random thoughts were taking over her tormented mind and she was beginning to feel sick, fearing Ben had met someone else. What other explanation could there possibly be for Tristan’s weird behaviour and Ben’s avoidance of her?

“
Leave your car here and we will take mine, okay?” said Tristan. The journey to Ben’s apartment was made in relative silence, not a single word was spoken. As they approached Ben’s building, Tristan looked directly into Arianna’s eyes. “Just know I will always be here for you, okay. You have to know that you are not alone.” Then Tristan climbed out of the car and headed for the building with a confused Arianna slowly trailing behind, scared and anxious.

Tristan knocked the door and waited
; Ben did not answer but Tristan knew he was in. He lifted the letterbox and shouted his name. “Ben, it’s me, Tristan. Open the door.”

After a few moments, Ben unlocked the door and headed back into the lounge with Arianna and Tristan following behind.
“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you, Tristan? You had to tell her.”

“
Ben, I swear it wasn’t like that. She was out of her mind with worry. She has been trying to get hold of you, she was worried and then she dropped by my studio today asking me what was going on. What was I supposed to say, Ben? Come on, tell me,” shouted Tristan.

“
Okay, I’ve heard enough. Just tell me, Ben. Is there someone else?”

Ben laughed out loud and banged his head against the wall several times before Tristan intervened and stopped him. Then he turned around to look at Arianna, his eyes full of tears as he looked at her, at the fear clearly displayed across her pale face.

“I told her nothing, Ben. I figured I would leave that up to you, but she needs to know.”

Tristan took Charlie
’s lead off the hook and left Ben and Arianna alone for a while to talk. Once they were alone, Ben could not look at Arianna. He walked out onto the balcony and sat down after pulling out a chair for Arianna. She sat down and waited for him to speak in his own time. Her stomach was in knots, the anticipation growing stronger by the minute.

“
Do you know what, Arianna? Fate has decided to cut our time together short by a whole life time. I’m dying, it’s a tumour. If I’m truly honest, I suspected all along that something was not quite right with me, I felt it. Even Charlie knew before me, sounds ridiculous I know, but he did. I am still trying to come to terms with the idea I won’t be around in six months’ time.”

Arianna was rooted to the spot, frozen, unable to react or move. She held her stomach as if her life depended on it. She stood up and flung her arms tightly around Ben, there were no words, just a knowing silence, a sadness shared and a pain to endure. They cried many tears together for the longest time. She couldn
’t tell him today, she needed to get her head around this horrible truth, a truth that would plague her for the rest of her life.
Why Ben, why now
, she cried inwardly as she held on to him, sobbing hard now, unable to stop, the pain searing her heart like a sword.

Ben stood up.
“Look, Arianna, you need to leave now. You can’t be around me, not now. This is my fate and one I need to go through alone. I don’t want you around to witness my demise, I want you to leave right now and remember me how I am right at this moment. I really don’t want you around to see me decline, I just couldn’t bear it, Arianna. I’m really sorry. I need you to do this one thing for me, Arianna. I am begging you, and please, don’t doubt my love for you for one single minute. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I am doing this because I love you, it will be easier for both of us in the long run.” Ben turned away from her and walked back into the apartment, leaving Arianna standing on the balcony in shock, not quite believing what she was hearing.

“
You tell me you’re dying and then tell me you don’t want me in your life for the duration. Ben, look at me. Damn you, Ben, turn around right now.”

Ben slowly turned around, the pain in his eyes palpable.
“I can’t do this, Arianna, watching you in pain every single day, I just can’t do it. We have no future now. My time’s up, so why prolong the inevitable? I need you to go now, please.” Arianna was shaking, the devastation of Ben’s words apparent on her face. She was confused and in shock. She picked up her bag and ran out of the door, barely able to breathe through her tears.

She made her way down the first flight of stairs and ran straight into Tristan and Charlie.
“Hey, stop right there. What’s happened, Arianna, and where are you going?”

“
I can’t believe this is happening, Tristan. He lands a bombshell like that on me and then basically tells me to leave. He does not want me around anymore, it will be too painful for him. Well, what about me, Tristan? What about my pain, what about our baby?”

“
Did you tell him?”

“
No, I couldn’t. How could I, Tristan? He’s a mess in there, and today was not the right day. I don’t know how I am going to cope with this, Tristan. I love him so much. I need to be with him. Please talk to him, make him understand we need to go through this together, the three of us, I know how close you both are, he can’t push us away and go through this alone. I know what he’s trying to do, but he can’t get rid of me that easily, so please, just talk to him.”

“
Look, wait downstairs. Let me just go check on Ben and drop Charlie off and I will drive you home, okay. You’re not going anywhere alone in this state.”

“
Thanks, Tristan, I’ll wait in reception.” Arianna could barely speak through her tears. Her face was red and puffy and she wanted to scream so loud. She wanted to berate God for doing this to Ben, to her baby, and to her herself and Tristan. She looked up to the blue sky and wondered at a God who could stand by and allow this to happen when he supposedly had the power to intervene. “Why Ben, why now? Please don’t take him from us,” cried Arianna as she cupped her stomach. This has to be a God awful mistake, it can’t be real, it just can’t be.

Tristan walked up behind Arianna and placed his arm around her back, pulling her into him.
“I know how hard this is going to be for all of us, we just need to be there for each other, okay? You can call me any time of the day or night; you’re not alone with this, Arianna. We need to be strong for Ben.”

Words failed Arianna. There were no words to speak, no words to make sense of her thoughts, of her day, of what was happening
; just a grey mass of confusion clouding her mind. She wanted to go home and shut the door behind her. She wanted to bury her head under the quilt and cry until she could cry no more, scream until her throat was hoarse. She needed to let out her pent-up anger. She cried for the child growing inside of her, she cried knowing her child would never meet his or her father and she cried knowing she would never have the chance to grow old with Ben. Their lives had been brought to an abrupt halt, a life interrupted cruelly, one that was so full of promise.

Tristan pulled up outside Arianna
’s house and turned off the engine. “He will come around in a few days, Arianna. Just allow him the time to come to terms with all of this. He’s taking it really bad and right now, he just needs the space to think and make sense of it all. I will talk to him. In the meantime, I am just a phone call away. Call me any time day or night, okay, and I will be there in a flash. I promise.”

Arianna just nodded and climbed out of the car in a daze. Tristan watched her until she closed the door behind her then he slammed his fists down onto the steering wheel and buried his head. His own pain filtering through his pumped up veins, he was hurting for himself, for Ben and for Arianna. He wanted to hold her and never let her go, he wanted to take her pain away and shield her from this darkness that was smothering them all. He wanted to protect her from the next six months, the pain that was to come, the loss that was inevitable, and the dark days that would follow immediately after. The impenetrable pain that would sear them both and scar them permanently for life.

Chapter twenty three

Arianna fell onto her bathroom floor in a heap, holding onto her stomach tight. Her cries continued for hours, unwilling to leave her, and the pain in her heart unwavering, crushing her until she could hardly breathe. After throwing up several times, she crawled into bed fully clothed and curled up into a ball. She rocked herself for the longest time before finally finding solace from her pain in sleep.

The following morning she was rudely awakened by someone hammering on her front door. She turned over and pulled the quilt over her head, not wanting to face anyone. Eventually the knocking stopped and then her phone started ringing. She looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Tristan. Reluctantly she picked up the phone.

“
Arianna, it’s Tristan. I called you several times last night to check if you were okay.”

Arianna struggled to a seated position before replying.
“Tristan, are you outside?”

“
Yes, I have been knocking on your door for ages. I was worried about you, now get down here and let me in.”

Arianna climbed out of bed and made her way downstairs. On opening the door, Tristan took one look at her and pulled her to him hugging her tightly.
“Oh Arianna, I wish I could make all this go away, I wish I could take away your pain, our pain and Ben’s fate. Come on, let me make you a coffee while you go and take a shower.”

Arianna suddenly wrapped her arms tightly around Tristan
’s neck and started sobbing like a child. “Thank you, Tristan, thank you for caring. I don’t know what I would have done without you these last 24 hours.”

“
Hey, that’s what I’m here for, and I have a vested interest now. That’s my niece or nephew you’re carrying in there.” Tristan placed his hand on her stomach and smiled sadly. “We will get through this, Arianna. Now go and jump in the shower, there is someone who wants to see you.”

Arianna smiled wide and ran to the shower. Ten minutes later she was dressed and ready to leave.
“So how did you do it, Tristan? How did you change his mind so soon?”

“
Okay, now don’t get mad, okay? I told him about the baby, Arianna, I had to. He needed to know that any decision he made going forward was based on all the facts. Truth is he cried like a baby. He wanted to see you right there and then but I told him to wait until today to allow you to sleep and take in the news. Hence the reason I’m here this morning, not to mention you left your car at my studio.”

“
I’m glad you told him. How did he take it?”

“
In truth, it was a bitter sweet moment. He smiled and said, ‘Wow I’m going to be a father,’ and then he remembered he would not be around to see his baby being born. He said at least a part of him gets to live on in his baby and he said he took comfort in that. I really think this news has had a positive effect on him, he’s finally crawled out from his abyss. He wants to make the next few months count. He wants us all to spend as much time together as possible and make some happy memories for us to look back on and for his baby. Arianna, he is taking a new view on this, a more positive one, so we really have to be strong for him, okay? No matter how hard things get, we have to remain strong. Let’s go and make some memories, starting today.”

Tristan bombed down the M6 motorway towards the city. Arianna stared out of the window, she hoped against hope that she was having a boy. She already knew he would be called Ben. On reaching Ben
’s apartment, Arianna flew out of the car and ran to the lifts. She couldn’t wait for Tristan to park up, she was so eager to see him, hold him and tell him how much she loved him. She wanted him to know she would be there every step of the way and she was going nowhere. As far as she was concerned, this was happening to them, not just him. They were all losers in this, there were no winners. They had to make sense of everything together.

Arianna knocked on Ben
’s door loudly until he answered. When he opened the door, she flung her arms around him, kissing every inch of his face. “Don’t ever push me away again, do you hear me? I am here to stay, Ben, and that’s the end of it.”

“
I’m so sorry, Arianna, I wanted to protect you from all of this. I never thought for one moment how this would affect you and Tristan. I was in shock, I was angry and needed to get my head straight.”

“
I know, darling. Let’s make what time we have left together count, not just for us but for our baby too.” Ben placed his hand over Arianna’s stomach and then he knelt down and rested his face against her stomach. Tears welled up in his eyes at the thought of never seeing his baby grow up, not being there for his first day at school and not being there to advise him on all of life’s complications, like fathers do when their child comes of age.

“
Our baby will know who his, or her, father is, Ben; they will know everything about you, I promise.”

“
We should be celebrating right now, Arianna, and sharing our news with the whole world. How can we be given the joy of life one day and a death sentence the next? How do we really deal with all this, really, how are we going to deal with it, Arianna?” Ben stood up and looked into her tear-filled eyes.

“
One hour at a time, one day at a time, that’s all we can do, Ben.”

Arianna could feel a lump forming in her throat and the tears welling up in her eyes. She fought hard to hold them back. She didn
’t want to fall apart in front of Ben, and she knew this would only make things harder for him. She promised herself she would save Ben from her tears and many future breakdowns; she would endure her pain in all its cruel manifestations for when she was alone and out of Ben’s sight.

They held each other for the longest time until Tristan came through the door.
“Okay, now bear with me for a moment, both of you. I have an idea.” He pulled a digital camcorder out of his bag and turned it on. “Right then, from now on, let’s record as much of the next six months as possible. Call it a diary of sorts. Ben, this can be away for you to leave special messages for your baby. Something for the baby to hold on to as he or she grows up. This way you are immortalized forever so let’s start by going out to dinner tonight and sharing a toast to your baby. It will do us all good. We can cry together, laugh together, and scream together.”

Arianna wiped a few tears escaping down her face and looked to Tristan with affection.
“That sounds perfect, Tristan. What do you think, Ben?”

Ben was smiling at the two of them.
“You know what? Tristan is right. Let’s all go out to dinner. These next few months, I am going to have the most fun I’ve ever had. I cannot waste what little time I have left; hell, most people don’t have this opportunity, do they? I have six months warning at least which, as far as I’m concerned, is a green card to go crazy.”

They all nodded and hugged before locking up the apartment and heading down to
Brindley Place; each hiding their fears and putting on a brave front; each struggling with their inner thoughts and what the future held for them.