Tears of Leyden (26 page)

Chapter 25

There is a knock on the door which I rise to halfheartedly open. I open the door with less energy than before the sleep my vader left me to, and as I look, Zenith’s presence does nothing to assist my energy coming back.

“There are orders that I must take you home now.”

I look up at him and suddenly feel the light flicker again. It soon dies out.
Why him?
“Are we not to take another one of my vader’s men?”

“It is best if I accompany you. Orders are rules,” his voice is firm but not unkind.

I wait a moment. “I don’t want to go with just you,” it wasn’t meant to be hard but it comes out a little too domineering.

His face reddens. I can see the light in his eyes diminish. “I will meet you on deck.”

He turns and leaves me. I feel anger fill my heart and I want to behead him for everything he has done to me in the past few hours. I turn into my room to ready myself. It takes me less than a few minutes to realize that I could.

I stand on the deck viewing the River Rhine and wondering at the evening stars above. I second guess heaven now, I second guess Nadeje’s teachings now, and I wonder if when I die, God would be there or if I would just disappear from pain, vanish into the sky, like one of those many twinkling stars. Free to shine when I wanted, as I wanted.

I hear the sound of footsteps coming closer, and turn to see Zenith stop a few feet from me. His eyes are all question and face expressionless.

“Ready?”

It takes a moment for me to make myself move, but I nod. He does not start off immediately, and it is a few seconds before he does. He turns away and I follow him willingly. He leads without much attention to me it seems, and his strides are a little faster than before, like he is trying to show me his discontent. I keep up but stay at a distance behind, feeling his resentment is unreliable. He steps down the platform and some cargo carriers pass by without much notice of us. I once more scan the lines of people still streaming in. He pauses at the bottom of the platform and waits for me there for further instructions.

“There is a street crossing through Mabrahder’s street, and at the end you turn to the right onto Worthier. I cannot tell you from there…but I could navigate us once we are in Worthier.”

He eyes some men as they pick up boxes for their families. “And where are we going to, specifically?”

I swallow. “Must you know? It is my home, not yours.”

He turns. “It is as good as mine if we are to be tied together by the church.”

I look away feeling insulted. “You do no good to remind me,”
or Nadeje.
I think of what he would have done at those words if he heard. Probably nothing, considering his peaceful state, but he could become mildly possessive.

Zenith sets his jaw, then turns on his heel and moves on. I do not follow immediately but wait a few seconds until he is at a bearable distance.

The light around us is of the torches and lamps carried by the people, and it seems to fade and grow depending on the space between us and the crowds. The volume is low, but speaking is there to make up for the silence between Zenith and I. As we walk, I still search the faces and forms for those two blue eyes and the dark hair I know well.

He is not here…
I push aside the thought and continue…
You must face the fact…
I let out a breath and walk on as I find myself drawling behind too long.

Suddenly, there is a sharp brush against my side as a man runs up and steps beside Zenith. It stops him, and they turn to each other and engage in a conversation I cannot hear. The man is a short and spindly, about in his late thirties, and he holds a pouch in his belt. After a few exchanged nods from the men, Zenith turns and heads back for me. “There are orders that I must take you to one of the lower chambers now. We must wait out the expedition to bring you home until tomorrow or later this day…whatever the hour may be.”

I feel my heart falter and frown up at him in resentment. “Under what premises?”

He looks at me as though I am being intensive. “I do not know, perhaps your vader received an epiphany.”

I do not welcome his sarcasm. “Why must we…surely he provided you with a message that was fit for my…”

“Come, there is no such message for you and you know it well.” He steps forward and eyes our surroundings as though wary of it.

I do not step back. “Zenith…”

He takes hold of my wrists and continues to gaze past me. “It is dangerous here, we must return for your safety.”

“The…”

He cuts me off by stepping past me. He releases only one of my wrists and draws me along with the other. I tug my hand back a little, not wanting his grip on me, but he is of course stronger. He leads me back through the places we had come and the tense stance of his shoulders and hold makes me feel he senses something I don’t. I let him pull me along knowing it is useless to try to refuse him. I try to think of another way to get him distracted, when a man drops a box across his way and vegetables and fruits tumble out over the ground.

Hands go after the food, creating a mess of obstacles in our path. Zenith mutters under his breath and after a moment he drags me around the clattering disorder. The disruption is worthwhile to see the irritation on his face, but also leaves me wanting to give help to the man who lost his cargo. Then, I realize I had seen produce.

“Zenith, the boxes unloaded from the ship…they are filled with food…the people are…”

“Your vader took it upon himself to feed the starvation. It is paid by the court.”

I frown and glance back to see what we left behind, but the confusion is already clearing and the liter cleaned away. I realize his voice had been dry.

“You do not approve of it?”

His hand tightens on my wrist. “I never attempted to put that idea into your head…”

My heart is racing with the speed he is pulling me at now. “I am compelled to think so.”

He seems to grow debatable. “Let me get you there safe and then you can push all the questions you have onto my plate.”

I twist my wrist and his grip loosens a bit. I do not settle for silence, not minding the procedure but minding the order to do so. “And you think
he
is contrary to our people.”

Suddenly, he jerks to a stop and turns on me. “Are you trying to insult me or make me apologize?”

I feel my stomach churning but force out the words. “Neither.”

He tightens his jaw. “He is not like me.”

I look him in the eyes and I see it is true. “That is why I cannot love you.”

He releases me. “You need to see it from my perspective.”

I feel my heart waver at my freedom. “And you need to from mine.”

Then, by luck or blessing, a man bumps between us and Zenith is forced backwards. I see him through a family which passes and his expression is half worry and half anger. His eyes flicker to and from the spaces to get through, and they soon find mine.

His face is firm and warning and I feel the tension on his shoulders being lifted and set onto mine. I know this is my last chance. I step back. He sees the movement and I feel him grow rigid. It can’t wait. I bolt. I know not if it is better or worse that I race into the crowds to be mixed in. I push past people and frantically look about me for somewhere to escape on the other side of the group. There is a gap but I hesitate. If he was running around to the side I planned to emerge from…

“Lyra!”

I hear his call over the reckless noise of the crowd, now awakened by our hassle. I race through it with no other hesitation. Once I am there, I search for another plan to follow realizing I have none. I feel a faltering sensation inside me and know fear is taking control and I must focus. I can’t remember what is happening and the thudding in my chest hardens. I ignore it.
Where?
I stare ahead of me and something tugs inside in indication.

The water.

I feel my heart soar but hesitate once more.
Where would I hide?
The darkness of the boat’s shadows catches my view. I feel that Zenith must be close by now and with one last glance at my object, I run. Thankfully, the water is not that far from my place and my run is not to be endured for long. I do not hesitate at the water’s cold, and hurriedly rush my feet into the river’s edge. It is stiller and the current not as torturous to me as I had feared. I shove my way through the thick force of the undertow and manage to free myself of my shoes as they are sucked up by the silt. I splash through and become knee deep before I feel the full force against me as it sucks at my clothes. I slosh through and reach the side of the ship at waist deep. I hide here and let the relief flood through me as I regain my breath. I touch to the boat and remain there as I tremble lightly from either the cold or the anxiety.

I feel the water’s density around me and suddenly feel the impact of it on my body. I breathe restlessly as I feel the freezing temperature and the wetness soaking into my clothes. The water is peaceful but I know its power and this frightens me. My head begins to thud and I force away the remembrance of my weakness.

I look in the direction from where I came and try to locate Zenith or any of my vader’s officers. I do not see him and the uneasiness twists in my stomach. I return to the feeling of the water around me, and look now closer to my place about the boat.

To my right and above, the platform is full of sounds from men traveling up and down with the loads. I move carefully and to the farther side of the boat so that not in view of any passers if a search went out. The water lets me move slowly, and so even if I wanted to I couldn’t make too many wrong moves or giveaways of my shelter here. I stick close to the boat and stop to stay and hide when in a safer place. The loneness of the open space to my side makes me feel a little encircled and I find myself listening to the water rush for comfort.

I am here for only at most two minutes without sensing anything out of hand. I realize the current is not the only sound I hear. I listen closely to the noises around me. There is the soft wading of something splashing through the water only a distance behind me and I know it is not just the current. I feel my head thudding and my heart joins it in unison. The water ripples the slightest bit against my hand and I move against the boat. There is another slosh of water, and I cautiously turn.

My eyes find a dark form moving mutely through the water. Its head lifts as my eyes find it, and we see each other. I cannot make out the detail from my place, but as I stare I can see the structure of the shape is a man. He freezes as I do. I let fear grip me and the silent river seems to quiet further for our connection to be distinguished. I watch him, the trepidation causing my body to feel every sensation around me. The air and cold water chills my skin and the quake in my chest grows with my heart beat. He is as frozen as I am, the dark water hiding most of his lower body and being cloaked by his shadow. I feel the search of his eyes as he tries to recognize me and in return I study him. I feel a light twinge in my stomach but can’t pay attention to it. The tremor in my body leaves me feeling helpless. Then, the connection between us seems to lighten. As we stare, something shifts in my gaze and I feel my body strengthen. The frame and agility of his body becomes familiar to me. I stop.

The world stills.
No…
I feel my body grow in energy as I feel the intuitional magnetism inside. I feel my heart flutter with recognition.
It isn’t…

There is no doubt about it. I know it is.

I rush forward. As soon as he sees me move, he does too. I desperately tear forward through the water, splashing and fighting to get somewhere in it. The water seems too thick around me and resists my hurried movements. I frantically pull myself with my hands and run forward feeling sluggish. It takes forever, but he is in front of me. I throw myself and jump up in the water, grasping my arms to his neck as his go around me trapping me close.

“Nadeje!” I gasp it out into the air behind him as I clutch him like my tie to the earth. He catches me to him as though I might blow away, and the fitting of our bodies is faultless. I breathe gaspingly from my run and let him revive me with the support of my weight.

“Lyra,” he breathes.

I grip him tightly and feel the solidity of his frame along mine, his dimensions oddly more discernible through the wet clothes soaked and stuck to our bodies. He holds me stilly, not doing anything but feeling me against him for verity. I settle against him and forget all else from him. We wait here at least a minute without interruption, not wanting anything to pull us apart, then he tightens and I slip my arms down against his chest and replace them with my hands. He gently loosens and I hide my face in his neck, not wanting to look out on the world, just to be here.

He shelters me against him and the clearer feeling of his body gives me a source of surety of my place with him, and the lost feeling disappears on instant. I gently slide my hands up a bit and feel his hair, and the allowance to do so secures me further. He gingerly feels his hands to my waist and I let out a small breath with their delicacy. I feel the want to be embraced fully and gently slide my hands down his neck and chest, letting them rest beneath his arms. The water rises with my release, and he pulls me close and against him. I let him cloak me with his form, not wishing any element to enter my small refuge. I relax and let go, letting the air come to me, not me pull in the air.