Tears of Tess (4 page)

My
stomach twisted; I blushed. “Is it so bad I want you? Need you? We’re in a new
country. Can we celebrate our first night?” My eyes flew to the bed and back to
his gaze.  “We could have a shower together, then I can show you my present.”

My
present consisted of dressing in fishnet tights, garter belt, and the
ridiculously expensive push-up bra I bought. I’d planned it all. I’d strut my
stuff, and Brax would gawk, making me feel like a goddess. I’d massage him with
strawberry body oil, until he couldn’t stand it any longer and secured my
wrists with my knickers. He’d take me from behind, our bodies slip sliding
intoxicatingly, arousing me beyond belief. I’d even been to the beauticians and
had some rather painful waxing in my nether regions especially for the occasion.

I
trembled at the thought of Brax’s gaze darkening, his body becoming feral and
possessive. 

He
pecked my lips, groaning, “I’m super tired. Can we rain check till the
morning?”

Disappointment
flooded my bloodstream, dousing my need like ice water. Even though it killed
me and tears tickled, I dropped my arms, releasing Brax from my embrace.
“That’s okay. I understand.”

He
sighed. “Okay, okay. If you need me so badly, I’m game.” His voice was
resigned, but he smiled tiredly.

Are
we really this stale?

Passion
fizzled to fear. I couldn’t show him. Not now. Not when he seemed happy with
vanilla and missionary every other month. I didn’t want him thinking I was a
sexual deviant, or ruin our holiday before it’d even begun.

I
made up my mind not to spill my secrets. It was a mistake to think I could.
“No, you’re right. It’s late. We should go to sleep,” I muttered.

Moving
away, I didn’t get far before Brax captured my elbow. Groaning, he ran a hand
through his brown hair. “Why did you do that?”

 I
blinked. “Do what?”

“Lie.
You never lie.”

Shame
shimmered over my skin; I looked at the bright rug on the floor. “I’m sorry,
Brax. I just—I don’t want to show you anymore.”

He
straightened, sucking in a breath. “Why? What’s changed?”

Useless
tears invaded my eyes
. Stop tearing up!
It wasn’t bad—just different.
But I no longer wanted different. I wanted to please Brax. I hated being
selfish.
I’m a horrible person
.

He
ducked, looking into my watery gaze. “Hey, Tess. What is it? Tell me.” He
pulled me to the bed and into his lap. I huddled into his chest.

What
if I told him and he hated me? He’d pull away and leave me alone, just like my
parents. I’d be another
mistake.

I
didn’t answer, letting him rock me, trying to untangle my jumbled thoughts.

Brax
murmured, “Remember how we met? What you said to me?”

Of
course, I remembered. He’d made me bleed. Our first encounter didn’t exactly
conform to first meeting etiquette.  I giggled quietly. “I called you an arse.”

He
laughed. “Not that.” Stroking my back, he dived into past memories. “I was
walking Blizzard on the beach and threw a stick for him. Out of nowhere, this
girl careened like a fallen angel, completely out of control I might add, on a
kite board. She bounced along the surf, splashing and spluttering, before a huge
gust of wind catapulted her out of the water and right into the face of my
husky.”

A
phantom injury twinged at the memory. I’d been a flipping idiot to think I
could kite board. It had been a ‘get outside my comfort zone’ attempt. It
failed. Rather drastically.

Brax
continued, “I couldn’t believe it when your kite took off down the beach,
dragging you and my dog with it. I managed to pounce on you, but it took a good
half an hour to untangle you from Blizzard with all those strings and harnesses.”
His gaze darkened. “I was so worried when I finally got you free. You were
bleeding pretty bad from your shoulder and had a black eye. My poor dog had a
sore paw and a broken stick.” He ran a finger along my cheekbone.  

The
broken stick had caused the bleeding shoulder. Freakin’ stick.

“I
asked if you wanted to go to the hospital, and you asked if it was really that
bad. I didn’t want you to freak out, so I lied. I said it was just a scratch,
when in reality it was a gaping hole, gushing with blood and bits of bark
sticking out everywhere. I lied ‘cause I didn’t know what to say.”

I
flinched. It had been pretty bad. Earned me eight stitches, but Brax never left
my side.

“I
lied and you said—”

“Never
lie. The truth hurts less than fibs and fakers.” I remembered that day as if it
happened two hours ago. I’d been hurt, because it was my eighteenth birthday
and my parents forgot.

“The
truth hurts less than fibs and fakers,” Brax repeated. “That’s always stayed
with me because it’s so honest and raw. It told me so much about you and made
me fall in love. So many people lied to me about my parent’s death. Glossing
over the darkness, and hiding the gnarly truth.”

His
arms latched tighter, pressing me hard against him. “Not having the chance to
say goodbye will haunt me forever. And not knowing the truth about why they crashed
eats at my soul.”

His
eyes burned into mine. “So, Tess. Don’t lie to me. The truth is the only path
for us.”

I
nodded; he was right. I should never have brought it up if I didn’t have the
guts to follow through.

“Let
me go. I’ll show you.”
Please, please like it
.
Like me.

He
reached for my hand, squeezing my fingers. “I’d like to see whatever you want
to show me.”

I
bit my lip. His eyes changed from crisp blue to smouldering cerulean. Hot happiness
scorched me, and I kissed him. “You have no idea what this means to me.”

He
ducked his head, looking through half-lidded eyes. “I think I do.” Helping me
off his lap, he tapped my butt. “Go. Be quick, so I don’t fall asleep.”

My
new confidence deflated.
Can I really ask him to change?

Brax
groaned. “Tess, you’re over thinking it.” He pulled me back, wedging me between
his spread thighs. “I’m never letting you go. So whatever it is, don’t be
afraid.” He dropped his hand, capturing the silver bracelet. “I hope you know
this isn’t just a bracelet to me.” His fingers stroked the underside of my arm;
I shivered. “It’s a promise of more. When I can afford what you deserve, I’ll
make you mine.”

I
leaned in and hugged him tight. “I’m already yours.”

His
breath turned shallow and he leaned up to kiss me. It started innocent, sweet,
but slowly, he tilted his head, kissing deeper. His hand dropped to my waist, closing
the remaining distance. His tongue licked mine in gentle invitation.

I
clenched my hands on his shoulders as I warmed, shedding fear and uncertainty.
I moaned as he nibbled my bottom lip, reaching behind my neck to make me bend into
his kiss. 

Everything
clenched, revved, and grew slick with need.

Do
not attack him.  Do not attack him.

Brax
stopped kissing me, and our breathing rasped. “Show me.”

He
pushed me away gently, and I went to my suitcase. Unzipping the side pocket
where I’d hidden the vibrator, I took the plastic bag with my new lingerie, and
hid them behind my back. Sucking in a deep breath, I said, “I’ll be right
back.”

Brax
nodded. “I’ll be right here.

I
retreated into the bathroom and flicked the lock. Placing the bag in the sink,
I stared at my reflection. After a long flight, I was a mess, but I wanted to
get it over with. I couldn’t stop feeling like it was a huge mistake.

You
can do this. Just be honest. Everything else…we can work through it.
It
could turn out to be a good thing, the next step in our relationship. It might
make us stronger.

I
shed my clothes and stepped into the lacy purple G-string and matching push-up
bra. The bra may have been über expensive, but it made my boobs look a million
dollars, turning my C’s to generous D’s that spilled over the top.

I
wanted to feel sexy and hot, but I really felt like a fraud. My snowy skin
looked virginal against the smutty underwear—
God, I look like a wannabe idiot
dressed in her mum’s lingerie.
 

My
fingers trembled as I unrolled the fishnets up my leg, and snapped the garter
belt clips to keep them in place.
Even more ridiculous
.

I
sighed, scowling at my reflection. I wanted sexy and crude and dirty—what I got
was insecurity and regret.

Dammit,
this wasn’t how I wanted to feel. New lingerie promised empowerment and
sauciness. All I wanted to do was put my flannelette pyjamas on and forget the
whole fiasco. 

I
met my eyes in the mirror.
Just get it over with
.

Ruffling
my hair, I sucked in my belly and stepped out of the bathroom.

Brax
was sprawled on the bed. He sat up on his elbows the moment I came into the room.
His jaw dropped open, gaze raking over me. Desire exploded in his eyes,
sparking something deep inside, overriding the fear of rejection.

 Feminine
power replaced self-consciousness.

Brax
scooted higher, sitting on the edge of the bed. He shifted, readjusting his
shorts. “Wow—”

Heat
flashed with radioactive intensity, and I rushed ahead before he could say
anything else, before my confidence could falter. I pulled the vibrator from
behind my back. The little rabbit sticking out from the purple, glittery
phallus made my cheeks flame. Oh, God,
why
was I doing this?

Brax
swallowed, his eyes locking onto my most personal possession.

“I
want us to be more adventurous,” I mumbled, hating my tongue twisting into
knots. “I love you, and I love our sex life, but I just thought—well, I’d like
to see—if, um….”

Brax
slid off the bed, coming toward me slowly. He ripped his t-shirt off at the
same time, leaving me to gape like a love-struck moron.

His
face was unreadable as he murmured, “You want more?”

More.
Such a dangerous word.

I
shook my head. “Not more. Different.”

Pain
flashed in his eyes before disappearing just as quickly. 

“Not
all the time. Only, sometimes…”

His
hand shook as he reached for the vibrator. “You use this?” His finger hovered
over the sliding power button. I couldn’t swallow—mortification closed my
throat.

Sure,
Tess, showing him your vibrator will be sexy and fun
.
I wanted to slap myself, but stood completely still, horrified by what he might
say. I’d flayed myself open, bared my desires, only to risk ruining Brax’s
feelings for me.

I
wanted to yell—I’m joking! This isn’t the real me. But my lips glued shut; I
couldn’t tear my eyes away from the vibrator in his grip.

Stupid.
So stupid.

Brax
slid the power switch upward and a battery powered whir filled the room. I
looked away as he pressed the power higher. The phallus sprung to attention,
screaming all my secrets.

“Different?”
His voice echoed with loss and confusion as he stared at the vibrator. No doubt
visualizing me writhing in abandon, using an object to get off instead of him.
How could I explain not being intimate for weeks on end was torture? 

My
heart shattered. This was no longer about my needs. It was about his. I’d made
him doubt, made him think he wasn’t good enough. Shit.

I
grabbed the vibrator, hating it in that moment. I turned the power off, ripped
out the batteries, and threw it all in the bin. “Forget it, Brax. It was a
stupid idea. I just want you, okay? Please, don’t hate me.”
I’m the biggest
bitch in history.

He
shook himself, hands falling to his sides. His gaze clouded as he stared at the
floor. I knew that look. It was the same look when he awoke from a
nightmare—terrified of waking up alone. “Tess, you have me. But if I’m not
enough—”

“No!”
I charged into his arms, tugging him to the bed. “You’re more than enough. I’m
so sorry. Forget it. All of it. Please?” Now, I was the one petrified of being
alone. If he didn’t think I wanted him, he’d push me away.

Panic
made me fumble, and I lay down, pulling him on top. “You’re enough. More than
enough. Brax, please—” Tears burned my eyes, chest straining with emotion.

His
eyes dropped to my breasts, biting his lip. Ever so slowly, he caressed the
soft mound of flesh. “It’s killing me to think I’m not giving you what you
need.” His finger dipped lower, finding my nipple inside the bra.

My
breath hitched, even though so many emotions rioted within me, my body blazed
for his. I needed to connect, to put this mess behind us.

“You’re
stunning. I always knew you were out of my league, and seeing you in this
underwear makes me realize how sexual you are.” His voice dropped with husky
undertones as he continued to touch me. “I’m not sure I can keep up with you. I
love you, Tess. I love being with you, but I don’t need to fuck you to be a
man. I need you as a friend, as my support. Do you understand?”