Tears on My Pillow (11 page)

January 5
th
2014

Sunday

Jakari

     I miss my wife. I want my life to go back to the way it was even a week ago. I thought that I was going to change my cheating ways and move on. I guess I got sloppy because I gave Anjela what she wanted and so I knew she was going to go on about her business and that made me feel like I was in the clear. The night I fucked her I told myself that she would be the last woman I was going to sleep with that wasn’t my wife and if I had stuck to that rule I wouldn’t be in this current hell.

     I haven’t heard from or seen Qia since the party and Chandler hasn’t called me either. I knew that he was in contact with Qia because he wasn’t calling her phone at all prior to me going to his house so I am glad he was honest with me and let me know that. I mean I sound like an ass wanting honesty and loyalty two things I couldn’t seem to give my wife but I did expect that from my brother. I wish I knew where Qia was so that I could go and talk to her. I need to know she is okay. I can’t sleep at night because I am so worried about her. What if she is fucking another dude while she is away from me? That thought alone has me highly irritated. I punch the bed and put a dent in the puffy comforter.

     I stand up and begin pacing back and forth as I think about another dude sliding up in my wife, squeezing her breasts, tasting her sweetness, feeling her walls around his dick, and bringing her to her peak. I clench my teeth and open and close my hands rapidly trying to gain control of myself. I don’t know what I will do if I find out that someone else has experienced my wife. I am getting so angry I decide that I need to take a look at next week’s lesson plans and check my e mail take my mind off of my current situation. I pick up my laptop and go to the living room. I turn the television on for some background noise and turn on my laptop.

     I log into my work e mail and begin sifting through all of them. I see that I have an e mail from Dean Bradford, a childhood friend of more than twenty years, but Dean of Rosemond University never the less. He is four years older than me but we were next door neighbors as kids growing up and because I was a star football player in school I always ended up hanging with the older dudes in the neighborhood. At first I didn’t think anything of the email until I begin to evaluate the possibilities. It can’t be anything casual because he sent it from the University email, he also would have text and not sent an email if it was personal, and more importantly for the Dean of a University to send an official email when we are on vacation is never a sign of anything good. I double click the email to open it.

     I begin feeling relieved as I see that the email is just an appointment he set for us to have a meeting tomorrow morning at nine o’clock. He probably just forgot to send it before we went on vacation and wants to get our monthly meeting in first thing for the new semester since we didn’t have one last month because of the long Christmas break. I lean back on the couch trying to figure out how I am going to be able to concentrate at work with my marriage in shambles. I tilt my head back and empty my glass of Johnnie Walker Blue. I lay my head back on the couch and close my eyes. I see myself in the bathroom with Azia riding my dick and then I see Qia’s face as she walks in and processes what is going on. I see her turn around and run into my brother who has that this is more than fucked up expression on his face. As Qia looks back one last time, I see the tears that stain her face. I don’t know what the hell I am going to do to make this right. What if she never comes back? What if she comes back and collects all of her things and walks out of my life forever?

     I open my eyes as I hear keys in the front door and my heart skips like twelve beats. I spring up and walk towards the door. The door opens just as I am halfway there and it is Qia. She looks at me turns around closes the door kicks off her shoes and begins to walk towards me. I stand there perfectly still hoping that she is going to hug me and tell me how much she missed me; telling me that we can work through this. I know it won’t be that easy but anything short of what I thought it would be, would be a relief. She seems to be looking right in my eyes but at the same time it feels like she is looking right through me.  I can’t read her expression at all. I don’t know if she is angry, sad, or just done with the whole situation. I would rather have had her walk in screaming rather than not knowing what she is thinking. As she gets closer to me I begin to raise my arms up thinking she is going to hug me but at the last minute she shifts to my right and walks around me without saying a word.

     I stand there feeling like an invisible asshole for about two minutes before I turn around and listen to her moving things around in the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and watch my wife for a second before speaking.
“Qia I am glad that you came home. I missed you.”

     Without turning to face me she says
“Jakari there was a time when what you said would have mattered but that time is in the past.”
She turns the burner on and places the tea kettle on it.

     “Can we please sit down and talk?”

     “I don’t have anything to say but if you want to flap your gums you have my attention up until the kettle starts whistling.”
She sits down at the table and props her elbows on it while interlocking her fingers and leaning her chin on her fingers. She stares at me with her beautifully slanted eyes and waits for my next move. I take a deep breath and sit down at the opposite end of the table from her.

     “I first want to apologize for what happened at the party. I never meant to hurt you and I don’t know why I got weak in that moment but….”
Qia cuts me off at first with her laughter and then she gets up and walks out of the kitchen. I lower my head and look down at the table. I have never seen her like this before and it is now crystal clear to me how bad I have fucked up. A few moments later Qia appears back in the kitchen with her phone in her hand.

     She seems to be looking through her phone. I assume she is checking phone calls and text messages when she starts to speak
“Jakari you seriously think I am going to buy this bullshit you are selling right now. If you are not going to be honest then I don’t want nor need to have this conversation because it is insulting. You have been cheating on me for years so truth be told you have always been weak it wasn’t just in that moment.”
She places her phone down in front of me on the table and I instantly wish I could crawl under the fucking table. I am not sure how she even got this picture but now I know why she hasn’t wanted to have sex or hang out with me like she normally does. I want to look at her but I can’t bring myself to do. I stare at the picture of Kelly sucking my dick and know that shit has truly hit the fan. I guess she is giving me a few minutes to think of what I want to say next because she just stands there silently and I can feel her eyes on me.

     “Qia…ummm…I mean…damn. I really don’t know what to say except that I have royally fucked up.”

     “Yes, you certainly have. I am going to be honest with you even though you have not been with me. I love you with all my heart. I have never ever thought of sharing my love or sex with anyone but you and it hurts to know that you weren’t giving me the same respect. However, now that I have discovered who I am really married to I have some hard decisions to make. I am going to stay here at the house with you under the condition that you sleep in the master bedroom and I will take the guest room. I don’t want you to come in there at all. I need this time to decide if I am going to work things out with you or if I am going to move out and get a divorce. I don’t want to string you along so I will let you know by next Sunday. However, please believe me when I say that if you come in that room or if you try to force me to have sex with you I will leave immediately and file the divorce papers before the front door even closes behind me.”

     I open my mouth to speak when the tea kettle begins to whistle.
“Qia…”

     “This conversation is over.”
She walks over to the stove and I sit in shock as I watch the woman I love make her hot chocolate and leave the kitchen without giving me a second thought. Where the fuck did she get that picture? What other information does she have that she has chosen not to share with me. Divorce! She can’t really be considering divorce, can she? What the hell will I do if she decides to divorce me? I guess I will just have to play by her rules for the next week and see if she will calm down enough to give our marriage another chance. I get up from the kitchen table to go into the bedroom and I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my back. The load only becomes heavier as I pass Qia in the hallway bringing her things from the bedroom we once shared to one of the guest room.

     She must have been moving pretty quickly because when I step into the bedroom everything that belongs to her is gone. Her docking station, her jewelry boxes, her alarm clock, even her closet is empty. I sit there on my bed looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why I didn’t stop my crap before it got to this point. I haven’t cried since I was a young boy but tonight I didn’t have any fight left in me to keep my tears at bay so I lay back on my bed and let the pain and the tears take over.

     I need something to relax me because the pain I feel at even the thought of losing my wife is paralyzing. I go to the living room and grab my bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue and my glass and take my new friend into my bedroom. I pour myself a glass of scotch and turn on the television. I lean back on the headboard drinking and watching CNN.

     I don’t know when I passed out but when I open my eyes my head is banging and the TV has gone into power saver mode so it is completely dark in the room. It takes me a second but I realize I am wet. I touch my thigh in the darkness and can tell that it is soaking.
“What the fuck?”
I say as I get up off the bed to turn on the light. As I stand up something falls and lands on my bare foot.
“Ouch got dammit!”
I growl under my breath.  I finally fiddle around and flick the switch on the lamp to turn on the light. I notice that I am still fully clothed and I see the bottle of Johnnie Walker lying on the bed empty. I look down to the floor and see the glass I was drinking out of is what fell.
“Shit”
I must have passed out with the glass in one hand and the bottle in the other, spilling what was left in my glass in my lap when I passed out. I stand there for a few moments surveying the mess. I can think of so many different scenarios that would require sheet changing and they all have to do with my wife.

     I pick my phone up off the bed thankful that it didn’t get wet. I just replaced it the other day after I threw it against the wall and shattered it. I check the time and it’s two thirty in the morning. I strip out of my clothes and place them in the hamper in the bathroom. I turn on the shower and go back into the bedroom to change my sheets. I strip the wet ones off the bed and throw them in the hamper as well. I step out into the hallway and go to the linen closet. I grab sky blue flannel sheets and turn to go back in the bedroom when I stop and look down the hallway. I see that the guest bedroom door is closed and I don’t see any light showing from underneath the door. I assume she is sleeping but I would like nothing more than to go down there and beg her forgiveness as I slip deep in between her legs. I replay her words in the back of my mind and go back into the bedroom feeling lonely and defeated.

January 5
th
2014

Sunday

Qia

        After I moved all my stuff out of the bedroom Jakari and I shared, I close and lock the guest room door. Make no mistake even though I have witnessed some undeniable evidence that confirms my husband has been unfaithful I still love him. It hurts my heart so bad that he would do this to me. It also hurts me that I thought he had changed his ways for me. How could I be so dumb? I shake my head as I think back on how happy, trusting and naïve I have been.

     I’m so conflicted as to whether I should stay with Jakari or not. I think about my mother and all the stuff she went through with her boyfriends and her ex-husband and know that I don’t want to be in that boat. I think my mother ended up having children by so many different men because when they did her wrong she would leave immediately and find temporary solace underneath another no good man. So I don’t want to be too hasty and walk out on Jakari just to walk into another relationship that isn’t going to work. The one thing I do know about Jakari is that he does love me.

    Then on the other hand there is my sister Qisha. She has been with Darrin for, I think, five years, and he treats her like shit. He openly cheats. He doesn’t even try to hide it anymore but my sister stays. She continues to stick by his side and I don’t want to be like that either. Now don’t get me wrong Qisha is feisty and always voices her opinion when he is caught but the fact that she stays speaks volumes. I know she loves Darrin but I think she needs to love herself more.

     I don’t want to be like my mother or Qisha in this situation. I want to find a middle ground that will work but I have no idea what that is. I have talked to my sister’s and my mother but still haven’t told them what happened. They didn’t even know I was staying with Chan for the past few days. I really wish I had someone else to talk to so that I could get a fresh unbiased perspective. I don’t know of anyone so I guess I am just going to have to weigh all options myself and come to a final decision on Sunday because whatever I decide will be it. There will be no turning back or changing my mind.

     I probably should have just continued to stay with Chan but I didn’t want to continue inconveniencing him. I also feared that if I stayed gone too long my family might drop by and it would be awkward if I wasn’t home so I would certainly have to explain. My desire for not wanting to return home stemmed from several things. First I enjoyed the thought of Jakari going crazy because he didn’t know where I was or who I was with. Second I love fucking my husband and at this point I knew lying in the bed next to him would lead to just that. Last I knew that even if I could hold out on the sex Jakari has this way of taking it and that turns me right the fuck on even if I am mad.

     After I saw him having sex with Azia and realized that he was having unprotected sex with her and probably other women I could no longer take the chance. So I came back home knowing that if I moved into the guest room and laid the no sex condition out on the table he wouldn’t touch me because he wouldn’t want me to leave. The only thing I do know at this point is if I stay Jakari will have to get tested to make sure he doesn’t have any sexually transmitted diseases. I have an appointment on Monday so I will know my status before I make my decision.

     I finish putting my clothes away and get in the shower. I am so exhausted I don’t even take the time to put on any night clothes. I just lay down in my birthday suit and turn the TV on. It feels so weird laying in here knowing my husband is in a room down the hall. I miss him so much but I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for what he has done. I fall asleep watching Cosby Show reruns.

     I toss and turn for what seems like an eternity. I roll onto my right side and look at my alarm clock which reads two thirty in the morning. I roll back on to my back and lay looking at the ceiling. I sigh as I realize how much I miss having sex with my husband. It has been days and as much frustration as I have built up inside of me releasing some of it sexually would feel so good right about now. I think about how Jakari made love to me in the kitchen the other week. It felt so good. That was the hardest orgasm I had experienced in a long time. I picture how his thick rod was slipping in and out of me. I remember how his tongue felt gliding across my hard nipples and I moan. I arch my back as I feel my honey pot over flowing between my legs.

     I roll over on my stomach and bury my face in my pillow. I want to walk down the hall so bad and climb in bed with my dick and ride it for a few hours. I want to feel him between my legs stroking my walls so bad. I think back to when we were in Jamaica and how I sucked on his lollipop in the car on the way back to the hotel and I couldn’t stop my hand from traveling down between my thighs. I slide my middle finger between my pussy lips and bite my bottom lip as I feel how wet I am. I begin massaging my clit and working my hips as the need to cum takes over me. I slip my middle finger and my index finger inside my hot volcano and move them in and out slowly while twisting them a little. My hips continue to move up and down in a rhythmic motion as I continue to finger myself.
“Ummmm….yes….ahhh”
I whisper as I feel my climax building.

     I rise up onto my knees in the middle of the bed and continue moving my fingers in and out of my pussy while winding my hips. I use my left hand to roll my caramel nipple between my fingertips. I arch my back and fling my hair back as my finger slides over my swollen clit just right causing shock waves to shoot through my body. I feel my hair slap against my bare back and tickle my ass as it lands on it. I feel my cum coating my fingers. I bring my hand up to my mouth and slowly lick my sweetness off of my fingers. I use my other hand to make circles around my clit as I make sure to get every drop of my cream off of my fingers. I slip my fingers back into my tightening walls and increase the in and out pace allowing my middle finger to slide up and down my wet slit. I groan as I feel my volcano erupt. I bend forward and grip the comforter with my left hand as I continue to pleasure myself with my right hand. I begin to shake and my hair falls downward over my face.

    
“YESSSSSSSS”
I moan trying to keep myself from yelling as I feel my cum running down my hands. I fall onto my stomach and hump my fingers as I ride my orgasm to its completion. I lay there wishing I had shared that climax with Jakari and waiting for my legs to quit shaking. I look over at the clock and it is now three fifteen. I get up and change the sheets on the bed. I knew I was horny but damn I left a big wet spot in the middle of the bed. I take another shower and lotion myself before I slip on my white cotton robe and go to the kitchen to make me some hot chocolate. I open the bedroom door and look down the hall towards the master bedroom and see that the light is on. I wonder what he is doing up. I fight the urge to go down there and check on him. I make a left instead and head to the kitchen.