Television Can Blow Me (15 page)

It was no surprise when the girl revealed that cocksmoking producers coaxed her into talking about the Bridgend suicides and she could give nary a fuck about the emo holocaust on her doorstep (can you blame her?) It was a laughably tenuous link in the first place and it was quickly followed by 23-year-old call centre worker claiming to be gripped by a burning desire to make his biological parents proud. Turns out this was a load of old balls as well.

Even more bizarrely, there was the 26-year-old mother of five who was addicted to crack at 13, fitting in heroin addiction among the way. As unbelievable as the story was, it was the only authentic one of the three. And the dumb fuck could sing too.

Some touchy-feely biography is inevitable on a show like X Factor but the focus on the increasingly surreal tragedies and hardships is becoming tough to bear. At this rate, Job from the Old Testament would be a shoo-in for the final with a rendition of one of those Oh Lordy spirituals Moby sampled. Chrissie Hynde was on some “it is time for you to stop all of this sobbing” shit and the girl was spot the hell on.

The verdict on X Factor 2008:
You’re through to the next round.

Marks out of 10:
7.5

Gong intermission

Aerial Telly Awards 2008

It’s 2008 and television is stronger than ever. The corollary of this is that Aerial “Money” Telly, television in corporeal form, begotten not made of one being with the telly, also came back stronger than ever. And here he is once again with his annual awards to make and break the careers of those working in the industry. Fools tried to cause trouble for Aerial Telly but it’s an eternal truth that punks jump up to get beat down. All they did was further highlight his genius, tenacity and adaptability. You can’t test him, serve him or duplicate him. Motherfucker, what?

Best show: The Inbetweeners

E4’s sixth form comedy The Inbetweeners was little watched but loved to tiny pieces by those who did. The brilliant evocation of schoolyard humour and the pinpoint observation of shit friends, lame parties and bad sex that make up adolescent life were a joy to behold and Aerial Telly’s strong endorsement of this ensured it got a second season which will be required viewing for all you douchebags.

Worst show: Bonekickers

In 350 odd reviews only one show had received 0 out of 10 from Aerial Telly and that involved that turd Rory Bremner. Bonekickers became the second show to enter this particular hall of shame and man did it ever earn it? From its unshakeable and utterly unwarranted belief in its own relevance to its hateful characters, scenery chewing performances, cocksmoking dialogue, fundamentally retarded premise and cloying liberal self-hate it was an abortion of a show and anyone who tells you otherwise needs murdering, decapitating and their head stuck on a spike on Traitor’s Gate.

Best performance by a male: Bryan Cranston as Walt White in Breaking Bad

When you help redefine situation comedy with the greatest family sitcom ever you may feel your work on Earth is done. But not Bryan Cranston who put in a career-best performance as terminally ill chemistry teacher Walt White entering the drug trade in the brilliant Breaking Bad. Aerial Telly interviewed Bryan Cranston earlier this week so expect that to hit the shelves in 10 days time and further bolster the show’s burgeoning reputation.

Best performance by a female: Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in Damages

There she goes again - playing a maniac. But Glenn Close is no fool and, rather like when she turned up on season four of The Shield, she knew she was backed by terrific writing on Damages to augment her singularly intense performance as the sociopath lawyer Patty Hewes who, I should remind you, does not play.

TV pie of the year: Christina Hendricks

Steph Song in jPod gave Aerial Telly chills that were multiplying. Mary Louise Pierker had him a blast in Weeds. But ultimately Christina Hendricks in Mad Men was the one that he wanted. Aerial Telly may have mentioned his feelings towards Hendricks in passing in the Mad Men review. As one of the characters in season two says “she is just so much woman”. No fucking arguments there, chief

TV Event Of The Year: The Wire Series Finale

The tense climax of this phenomenal show was pulled off masterfully. The cycle of violence, retribution and incarceration continued unabated. Heroes died, villains prospered and, in a couple of cases, people made the right decision to get the fuck out of the game. It was sad to see it go but TV is forever changed by this extraordinary project.

See you next year, suckers. Regardless of war, famine or apocalypse Aerial Telly will just keep on coming. Count on it.

British comedy: the highs and lows and why it blows

The British have a tradition of producing funny fuckers. Great British comedians are legion and whether they came from the working men's clubs, vaudeville or Cambridge Footlights it's a tradition they are rightly proud of. For the British, being funny is a life goal. So it's always a puzzle when a bag of shit like The Persuasionists or PhoneShop rolls up, splits its seams and spills its unholy poop payload over our screens. How did they ever get made? Were people too scared to speak out? And why do ITV so horribly fuck up almost every sitcom they touch?

No single man can definitively answer these questions. Unless of course that man is Aerial Telly, television in human form, begotten not made, of one being with the telly. Jesus Christ but you're lucky to have him.

My Family: Reloaded

Some sitcoms write themselves. In the case of M*A*S*H, Father Ted and The Office it’s because the characters are so acutely drawn and their relationships so expertly infused with tension that comedy flows effortlessly from every situation they get into. In the case of My Family it’s because of the poverty of aspiration of the writers and the remorseless insistence on sticking to the family sitcom formula.

There must be other sitcoms less suited to a clips show but I can’t think of them offhand. My Family: Reloaded provided us with various scenarios from the six-year run of the show. Ben and Susan Harper (luvvie stalwarts Robert Lindsay and Zoë Wanamaker) have the utterly predictable sitcom relationship. A stressed, middle-class man manipulated by his dominating wife. Ben is a dentist by day and a mild-mannered misanthrope by night - a diet Victor Meldrew. Susan is also misanthropic but more inclined to get excited about furnishings and the like.

I’m not sure where the comic conflict between the two is supposed to be. Margaret Meldrew could not have been more different from her husband - she was a civilising force and comic foil in the relationship. Ben and Susan are too alike to have convincing arguments. Every row seems contrived and the put-downs could have been scripted for any one of a hundred sitcom couples.

They have a thick son, Nick, played excellently by Kris Marshall. In the first series Nick looked to have potential as a great comedy thicky. He may never have been Trigger or Dougal but it was the biggest loss to the show when he went to look for serious acting work like those BT commercials. He has a face built for comedy.

The honeypied Daniela Denby-Ashe plays Janey, the wayward stroppy daughter effectively enough. Her malleable morals and unapologetic sexuality are the closest this show gets to subversion. It would be interesting to see what she gets up to past the watershed and not just for the obvious reasons.

There’s another son who I, and the rest of the viewers, really couldn’t give two fucks about.

The clips came and they went: Ben being punched, Nick entering the room in stupid outfits, Michael playing at soldiers, Nick snogging his father, disturbingly. Nothing really raised a smile despite the best efforts of the sulphate-cranked studio audience who choked with laughter at every pratfall and telegraphed one-liner.

There’s not lot I can say about My Family - it’s a sunny day and I have a life to lead. It isn’t the worst family sitcom around. Tragically, it’s probably the best British one. Comparing it to the genius of the recently deceased Malcolm in the Middle just amplifies its shortcomings. There will be several more seasons to come. Count on it.

The verdict on My Family:
It’s just there.

Marks out of 10:
4

The Persuasionists

You want to know the really terrifying thing about The Persuasionists? They knew. Every one of them. Daisy Haggard did Psychoville, Green Wing and Man Stroke Woman. Adam Buxton - he did The Adam and Joe show. He’s funny. Simon Farnaby worked with Chris Morris. Iain Lee, um, introduced Sacha Baron Cohen. Co-producers Iain Morris and Damon Beesley wrote The Inbetweeners. And, ignoring his joyless, pious Twitter feed, script editor Andrew Collins is a really good writer. They know the difference. Can you imagine them waiting for this to go public? The shame, the fear, the self-loathing? Dragging this career timebomb along with them for all those months? And you think the Haiti footage is harrowing?

So yeah, the rumours are true. The Persuasionists is eyepoppingly poor and I’m going to blame the writer/creator Jonathan Thake. Most of the others have been involved in something good and his only notable claim to fame is the Pot Noodle “Slag of All Snacks” campaign. That thick-eared Kevin Bishop yobbery is certainly present here. He’s created soundbite situation comedy - slogans and jokoids buffed and polished, utterly unrelated to each other, situation, story or character.