Tell Me Something (The "Something" Series Book 1) (33 page)

“Well, my story isn’t quite so eventful as Haylee and I met over a contract deal via video.”

I took a large gulp of my wine and felt Josh clasp my fingers.

Mark continued. “I was lucky enough to find out she was interested in Yale and even luckier that I’ll soon be able to have her as a neighbor up in New Haven. I know you’ll make a great lawyer.”

I let out the breath I was holding and gave him a smile of gratitude.

Nigel and David were as sweet as they could be with their kind words about my being there with encouragement through David’s treatments.

I shifted in my seat when they got to Josh.

“Everyone knows how we met, so anything you’d like to say, Haylee?” Josh said simply.

I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or thankful that he’d nothing to say. Swallowing hard, I finally found the words for everyone. “I can’t tell you what it means to have you all together like this. This last year was shaping up to be the worst year of my life, and then I came here and it has turned out to be the best. I have nothing but gratitude for each of you and your friendships. Catherine, Sasha: thank you for planning this. It really means so much.”

Catherine interrupted. “We can’t take all the credit. It was Josh’s idea.”

I hadn’t been prepared to hear that and felt his hand stroke mine again. I turned towards him. “I would be remiss without thanking you, Josh. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have met one person in this room. You either directly introduced me or I met them because of the opportunity you gave me with the modeling and moving me to New York. So, thank you for the chance you gave me and, more importantly, for the friends I have met because of you.”

He looked a little taken aback. “I should be the one thanking you. You’ve made me a better man, a better friend, and even a better boss.” He leaned over and whispered. “I’m going to tell them.”

All eyes were still on us as recognition dawned as to what he meant.

He brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed it.

I could feel the blood start to rush to my ears and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. No, no, no, I screamed inside of my head.

“There was something special about Haylee when I met her. She was refreshing, candid, and I soon realized she had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever met. She made me look forward to coming into work and even travel, which I hadn’t enjoyed for the last few years. When she gave notice, I realized that I was in love with her.”

I couldn’t breathe, and I didn’t dare look at the other people around the table.

“The timing is ironic to realize my feelings, considering she’s now leaving, but hopefully it will mean that you’ll see more of her in New York if I can convince her to try the not-so-long-distance route. And Mark, you’ll definitely be seeing me more in New Haven, too.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered, finally recovering. I was saved from having to talk anymore when the food started to arrive.

“I’ll be right back, just need to go to the ladies’ room,” I said, turning to Josh.

He stood up and pulled out my chair like a perfect gentleman.

I forced myself to walk slowly to the restroom when all I wanted to do was run. Once I was alone in the stall, I felt myself start to panic. This wasn’t what we had discussed. Josh was changing things after we had agreed and doing it publicly just made it even harder to understand. It was tempting to sneak out the door, but all of these people had come for me. I couldn’t possibly do that.

“Haylee, you still in here?” It was Catherine’s voice.

“Yeah, just finishing up.” I flushed the toilet and pasted a smile on my face.

“You okay?” she inquired, studying me as I came out of the stall.

“Yeah. Are we okay Catherine? I didn’t know that Josh was going to say that and—”

“We’re fine, honey. Josh told me last week. He didn’t want to take me off guard. Although last we talked, he wasn’t sure he was going to do the group speech thing. It’s kind of out of his comfort zone.”

I nodded, knowing she was right. Josh was an introvert who valued his privacy.

“I just wanted to check on you. Josh wanted to make sure he didn’t scare you off. I assured him that you were probably just processing.”

“Yeah, I was taken off guard.” I washed my hands and returned with her a short time later.

The rest of the night was a blur as I engaged in conversation, smiled when appropriate, and finally said my goodbyes to everyone. Josh took my hand on the way home and thankfully left me to my thoughts until after we arrived.

“Are you okay?” he asked as I turned to go into my apartment off of the elevator.

“Yeah, fine. I just need to change.”

He gave me a small smile and kissed my hand, letting me go into my space while he went into his.

As soon as my door shut, I leaned against it, fighting the anxiety that was threatening to crawl over me and take over. I changed quickly and then lay in the middle of my bed in my cashmere pajama set staring at the ceiling.

I heard Josh come in a short time later, not bothering to knock. His weight on the bed came before his voice. “Talk to me.”

I sat up and saw the concern in his eyes. “Why did you make it sound like we were continuing things in your speech?” My voice was quiet even if my mind was screaming.

His eyes softened, and he took my hand. “Baby, wasn’t it obvious? I took you on our first real date, I had you meet my mother. And tonight I made it public. You said you wanted more, and I’m showing you I can give you that.”

I swallowed hard. “But we had agreed that once I left— I mean we want different things.”

“I know we did, and I know it took a hell of a long time for me to figure out I want more. But I love you, Haylee. You love me.”

I felt the tears. “Josh, I don’t—I don’t want this,” I whispered, watching the hurt flash in his eyes.

“Help me understand. I thought you loved me.”

“God, I do, but you and I eventually aren’t going to work out.”

“Why would you say that?”

I couldn’t continue sitting so close to him knowing that he was hurting. I got up and paced. “It’s the truth, Josh. We want different things. You don’t want marriage. You don’t want children.” I was firing off excuses and didn’t understand why he couldn’t grasp that he was only making things more difficult. I’d hit rock bottom before, I didn’t need to do it again grieving yet another loss eventually. I wouldn’t survive trying to get over Josh Singer a year from now if I was already about to lose it now.

He shoved both hands through his hair. “I feel so strongly that the commitment between two people is much more than a piece of paper. And as for kids, you know I can’t give them to you naturally.” He got up and crossed towards me. “Could we just agree to do the long-distance thing for a while and see where things go?”

“For every day that we prolong the inevitable, it just makes it more difficult to walk away.”

“What are you so scared of, Haylee?” His temper was starting to rise, and my stomach felt sick.

“I’m just a realist, Josh. Breaking things off now is hard enough, but having to do it three, six, twelve months from now would just be too much.”

“What can I do to prove that I’m in this for the long term?” he questioned, with a touch of vulnerability in his voice.

“There isn’t anything anyone can do. Sometimes it’s out of our hands.” My voice was resigned as I thought of my parents and the fact that they hadn’t wanted to leave, but did. No one could prove they were in it for the long haul, because no one really knew.

“So that’s it, then?”

A roar of pain shot through me with the thought. I didn’t trust myself to speak and only nodded.

He paused, and then I watched him walk out. Even if this wasn’t the way I’d imagined it ending, I had to remind myself that I was getting what I’d asked for. The overwhelming pain hit me and I took solace in the fact that it would only be worse if we’d continued.

***

I made sure I was in the office before Nigel or Josh the next morning in order to turn in all of my things. I left a note for Nigel explaining that I had too much to do before leaving on Saturday to stay in the office the rest of the day. I hoped he understood.

It was difficult to want to see anyone from the party considering the impression they had from Josh’s speech versus my stark reality of the moment. Therefore, I tried to cancel my scheduled lunch with Will. He surprised me by coming up to my apartment with food in hand.

“How did you know where I lived?” I questioned, after opening the door.

“I called Josh. I was worried about you, and this is the last day that I’m going to see you for a good while.”

I was shocked. “You called Josh? What did he say?” I could tell myself I didn’t care, but the truth was I would always. I loved him.

“He sounded tore up, but just told me where to find you.”

I took the bag from him and looked inside to see burgers and fries. This unfortunately brought a fresh round of tears as it reminded me of Josh. If I was doing the right thing, why did it feel so bad.

“Oh, shit, Haylee, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry, Will. I’m just a mess.”

“So, I take it you weren’t thrilled with Josh’s declaration last night?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t even glance around the room. Was everyone shocked?”

He smiled. “I think most of us weren’t. I know I wasn’t.” He dished up lunch and handed me my plate.

“You knew?”

He looked amused. “I suspected during the model shoot with the death stare I was getting. But I think it was confirmed the night we had your law school celebration. He got up shortly after you went to the ladies’ room, and then you guys avoided eye contact after that.”

He waited me out until I was ready to speak again. “It’s complicated, Will,” I said by way of explanation.

“Try me.”

“We just want different things. He doesn’t want to get married again. Sometimes love isn’t enough,” I murmured.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it. Why are you ending things if you’re this miserable? I can tell by your eyes that you cried yourself to sleep last night.”

It was a fair question. “What happens when two years down the road he decides he’s done, and I’ve invested three years with him? Or what happens when I want marriage after school, and he doesn’t? We agreed this was short term, and we weren’t going to try to change one another.”

“Haylee girl, people change. We influence others all the time without even realizing it. He said to everyone that he’s a better man from having met you. He loves you. Are you really going to tell me that two years from now he’s not going to hold on tight to you?”

“There are no guarantees, Will,” I said, losing my appetite.

“No, there aren’t. You want my advice?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Take some time for yourself in Australia. Figure out where this fear is coming from. Not everyone gets a shot at happiness, Haylee. For what it’s worth, I think you should hold on tight and buckle up for the ride no matter where it takes you.”

I couldn’t sleep. My flight would depart in six hours and I’d finally stopped crying after the last couple hours of solid weeping. Now I stared at the ceiling and thought of Josh next door and how I’d hurt him. If I was doing the right thing, why was it hard to breathe past the ache in my heart?

I got up and flipped on my light. After taking a shower, I sat back down on my bed. Three o’clock in the morning. Still three more hours until I needed to head to the airport.

The knock made me jump. When I opened up the door and saw Josh standing there, longing struck me hard and fast. I didn’t bother to fight what my body craved. Instead I launched myself onto him, pulling his head down for my wild kiss.

His initial reaction of shock turned into unbridled desire for me. He weaved his fingers into my hair and walked me into my apartment, kicking the door shut behind him.

I was anxious to feel his skin upon mine and frantically undressed him. His mouth was hungry, feasting on mine with a need that matched my own. We were desperate, like we’d been starved for one another. As soon as I stepped out of my panties, Josh lifted me up so that my legs could wrap around his waist. He then pinned me against the nearest wall. His arms held my hips in line with his, and then he was thrusting into me, my back against the hard surface.

“Oh, God,” I gasped, enjoying the carnal pleasure of being taken this way. My weight was completely supported by his strength as he pounded into me over and over. He angled himself, hitting just the right spot. My breathing stuttered and my nails raked down his back as the orgasm took over. I clenched down, feeling his groan and the hot release deep inside of me moments later.

Instead of setting me back down on my feet, he carried me to the bed. I could feel him getting hard again as he lay me on my back and followed me down, all while staying inside of me. He lifted up to brush the hair from my face and then kissed me reverently.

Relentless in his lovemaking, he brought me to climax three more times during the next hour. As we lay there after, I could tell both our minds were on the ticking clock.

“I saw your light. I just wanted to tell you to have a safe trip.” His voice was low and husky.

“I wasn’t able to sleep,” I replied lamely.

“Anxious for your flight?”

I shook my head. “Honestly, I was thinking about you.”

Taking a deep breath, he stroked my back. “I put too much pressure on you with the announcement at the party. I was in the moment and went for it without conferring with you first about how you’d feel. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Josh. You were only doing what you thought I wanted,” I said thickly.

“Sometimes I forget how young you are. You didn’t get a chance to enjoy your undergrad years, and this opportunity in law school is one that is necessary. You need to figure out who you are and what you want. I was selfish in wanting you to change that.”

“You weren’t selfish. You didn’t ask me to give up anything. And I’m the one who told you I wanted more. I just didn’t pay attention when you started giving it to me.”

“I should have done it sooner.”

“I don’t think it would have mattered. You’re right about me being scared. But it’s hard to articulate it.”

“Give me something, Haylee. Anything. I’m trying to understand.”

I fought the tears. He didn’t deserve to think it was something he was doing or not doing. “I know you are.” I paused and then said the first thing that came to mind. “After the death of my parents, I haven’t trusted happiness since. I don’t know how to.”

He hugged me tighter and took a few moments to process. “Tell me what I can do.”

“I guess I just need time to figure out if I can change that.”

“Time apart?”

I nodded sadly. “At least for the next couple of weeks.” I desperately wished that I could simply open my mind and reveal all of the overwhelming thoughts and fears I had. I had shared such a small piece because I didn’t understand it all myself. I could only hope my time in Australia would give me some clarity.

He held me for the next hour, and then we showered together, enjoying one more round of lovemaking before I needed to get ready.

He was silent while watching me dress and gather up my things.

When it came time to say goodbye, I felt the tears again.

Josh gave me a small smile and wiped under my eyes gently with his thumbs. “Enjoy your time with your family. I love you, Haylee.”

“I love you too, Josh,” I whispered, leaning into him for one last kiss.

***

My two week trip to Australia had been good for me. I’d connected with the only family I had left, and thoroughly enjoyed the vacation time. I’d come to the conclusion that I had a lot of unresolved feelings when it came to my parents’ deaths. Feelings of anger, guilt and resentment plagued me and I wasn’t sure how to deal with them let alone admit those feelings to someone else. My confession to Josh had been a true statement in that I didn’t trust in happiness. But more important than that admission was the realization that I didn’t know how to fix that belief. How did I shift my mindset? At this point, the answer completely eluded me.

While apart, I had texted Josh daily to share what I was doing or sent photos of the things I was seeing like Ayers Rock, or the dolphins in the harbor. I hadn’t said I missed him because I’d forced this separation. But the truth was that I’d missed him terribly and had relished every time I’d heard from him.

My flight back didn’t get into JFK until after ten o’clock at night, and by the time I made it through customs it was closer to eleven. I came out of the international arrivals gate so intent on finding my luggage at the carousel that I almost overlooked Josh completely.

Seeing him standing just beyond the security point, with a small smile, jolted my system, and it was all I could do not to run into his arms. I knew I had goofy smile on my face.

“Hi, baby.” He grinned as he walked up to me. He was finally close enough to reach out and touch if I wanted to.

I just stood there staring at him, tears in my eyes. Finally, I made my legs move and launched myself at him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

He put his arms around me and held me close. “I missed you, Haylee.”

I leaned back and cupped his face until I could feel my feet touch the ground again after he let me down slowly. “I missed you, too.”

We collected my luggage and were sitting in the back of his sedan before Josh spoke again. “How was your time in Australia?”

“It was really good. My family couldn’t have been nicer. And the food— Oh, my goodness, can my Uncle Paul cook. His restaurant is fabulous.”

“Good. I’m glad you had fun.”

He sighed, and I knew he wanted to know if I’d thought more about us. “The time went by really quickly,” I offered lamely.

“It felt like it crawled here.”

I snuggled into his arms while looking at our hands joined together. “I missed you a lot, Josh. I had hoped to come back with all of the answers, and instead I seem to have more questions. I’m still working through them.”

He was completely quiet.

I realized I was being vague and tried to clarify. “Do you think we could play it by ear and just not put pressure on things? I have three weeks before school orientation. Even though I want to get moved in and get settled, it would be nice to spend time with you. We could just hang out with each other as our schedules allow and not commit to anything.”

After an eternity, he finally spoke. “If that’s what you need, I can do that.”

***

As I walked back to my apartment from my last class on Friday morning, I couldn’t believe I’d already completed week two of law school. The days after arriving back from Australia and before starting school had gone by in the blink of an eye, what with the move-in, orientation, and the time I’d spent with Josh. He hadn’t pressured me into sharing any more insight into what I was feeling, and I hadn’t offered up anything more. He seemed to be content with living in the moment and leaving our relationship undefined for now.

Over the last two weeks, I’d fully embraced my academic routine and put in my time studying each night. It was tiring, but I was excited to be back in the groove of being a student.

My apartment was on the second floor of a four-story brick building. The unit was spacious, with a simple layout of living room and kitchen with two doors at the back that led to the one bedroom and bathroom. Most of the other floors appeared to be under construction, and I hadn’t met any of my neighbors. Students kept weird schedules, so that wasn’t surprising.

I’d had some of my things shipped out from storage and loved the fact that I got to sit on a familiar couch and look at my parents’ art on the walls. Sometimes it was the little things.

The rest of my Friday consisted of studying until Josh arrived later this evening after work. He’d mentioned he needed to attend a golf thing with Mark here in New Haven tomorrow afternoon. I was pretty sure the golf event was only an excuse to come up so he wouldn’t have to make the official reason be that he wanted to see me.

I had just finished reading, completing most of what I needed to do this weekend, when the knock came that evening. I felt my heart flutter with anticipation despite my mind urging me to play it cool. After opening the door, I just smiled.

“That’s quite the smile,” Josh remarked. He was still in his suit and tie from the office.

I moved into him and hugged him tight. “I guess I couldn’t wait to get my hands on you. I hope the train wasn’t too bad.”

He looked tired. “It was fine.”

I didn’t believe him but appreciated the fact that he didn’t want to complain. “Liar, but that’s all right.”

He smiled and kissed me deeply. “You okay?”

“It’s been a hectic couple of weeks getting back into the routine of school, but I’m good. I can’t believe it’s already turning into fall.”

“It’s beautiful up here in the fall. I think you’ll really enjoy it. What do you feel like doing this evening?”

“I have Thai food and your favorite whiskey. I thought perhaps we’d lounge this evening and stay in.”

“Sounds perfect to me. I should be done with the golf thing tomorrow by four o’clock. I was thinking if you don’t have any plans, I’d like to take you out on a date. Dinner, maybe the movies.”

He sounded so unsure that guilt creeped up. Perhaps I had made him feel that way. “That sounds amazing.” I meant it because now as he was standing here with me I realized I was the happiest I’d been in weeks.

He glanced at the books on the couch. “You’ve been studying.”

“Yes, but it’s been five hours and I’m ready for a break.”

“You’ve been studying for five hours?” he queried, shaking his head.

I smiled. “Reading mostly and preparing early for Monday.”

“Nerdy Haylee is kind of hot,” he teased.

“Do you think coming up here like this is going to get old?” I blurted out, not sure what answer I was looking for after only his first trip.

He searched my eyes and then responded carefully. “I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m happiest that I’ve been in weeks right now being with you.”

My breath caught with his admission that echoed my own thoughts. I took his hand, leading him into the bedroom. “Dinner is going to have to wait because right now I’ve got other plans in mind.”

An hour later we ate cold Thai food from the bed, enjoying each other’s company.

***

“I know it’s only September, but my mother is chomping at the bit, asking if you’ll come for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to pressure you, but I figured I’d put it out there before she calls you directly.”

We were on our Saturday night date at a quaint pizza place in town that Mark had recommended. It felt wonderful to hold hands across the table and feel like a typical couple on a Saturday night out. But I wasn’t ready for this question. Ironic, really, since last year I’d felt left out of Josh’s family holiday plans.

“Wow, that’s two months away.” I said the first thing that came to my mind and immediately regretted it when I saw the hurt look on his face.

“It’s fine. I can tell her that we’re playing our relationship by ear and asking you too far in advance puts too much pressure on you.”

Ouch. He was offering up something new with regard to sharing the holidays with his family, and I had sounded annoyed. “Josh, I didn’t mean—”

He held up a hand. “No, I know. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He sighed and then gave me a forced smile. “You ready for the movie?”

He was already changing the subject and signaled the waiter for the check.

We arrived at the movie theatre, and I could feel the tension rolling off of him as we took our seats. “Please tell your mother I’d be happy to come,” I offered. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that looking forward to a holiday might be a good thing for a change.

He didn’t even look at me. “Why don’t we wait until we get closer to the occasion? Who knows? By then you could be dating someone completely new.”

I stared at his profile and fought the tears. He was starting to feel resentment towards me, and I couldn’t blame him.