Tethered (14 page)

I tried to hide my guilt with a smile. I wasn’t
that
good. I tried to jump her brother only a couple of hours ago. I wanted to tell her about Emmet. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t so good and that I had indeed kissed another boy since Jorge – two if you include Andrew Newland.

“I wish I was like you,” Emmy said quietly before I could decide whether or not to tell her about her brother.

I looked at her with some amusement and a lot of confusion. “Why would you want to be like me?”

“You’re comfortable in your own skin,” she said quietly and looked up at the canopy the two trees holding our resting place made together. “You’re not a horny teenager. You don’t do drugs. You don’t drink.”

“I’m just as horny as any other teenager,” I argued. “And I smoked with you once or twice and hello! I was just as drunk as you at Jorge’s party last year!”

“D,” Emmy said my abbreviated name with exasperation. She looked at me hard. “You may be a horny teenager, but you have that shit in check. You’re not like me, sneaking out to make out with the boy of the hour. You have
everything
in check. Nothing rules you. You rule yourself. You don’t have weed hidden in your underwear drawer and tequila hidden in your closet. I’m all kinds of fucked up, Donya. You ground me. You had a rough life with your parents and I had everything, but you’re the one with her head screwed on straight.”

“Girl, you’ll be alright,” I nudged her with my shoulder. “And my head isn’t screwed on as straight as you think.”

“Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes.

I needed to tell her about Emmet. She had the wrong idea about me. Yeah, I wasn’t into the drugs and drinking and screwing around like she was, but I wasn’t completely innocent. It wasn’t fair that she shared her whole life with me and I couldn’t share this one thing.

“Emmy, I have a confession,” I said quietly.

“You
are
a lesbian?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“No,” I sighed, shaking my head. “What’s with you thinking I’m a lesbian?”

She shrugged and then a mischievous smile appeared on her face. “Bethanne Wendzel is a lesbian. I know she’s a year older than us, but she’s kinda hot.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “So, you want to set me up with another lesbian?”

“Another
hot
lesbian, bay-bay,” she said rubbing her shoulder with mine.

I laughed again. Emmy always made me laugh, even when we were little kids and I was struggling at home, she would make me laugh. I loved her for it.

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Em, but I’m not a lesbian. Bethanne will have to find some other hot girl.”

“She is hot though,” Emmy said and looked at me for a response.

“Yes, she is hot,” I admitted of the blonde bombshell.

“Emmet totally nailed her. Male slut,” she said with disdain.

I gave her a look. “You
just
said that the girl is a lesbian. Why would a lesbian screw your brother?”

“Okay, so maybe she’s bi, but I know she likes girls, too.”

Just like that my laughter was sucked into the humid Louisiana air. That tether between Emmet and me strummed uncomfortably.

“You seem to know an awful lot about Emmet’s sex life,” I said lightly.

“Not on purpose,” she said, making a disgusted sound. “Ew. I called Mayson last night, remember?”

I nodded and waited for her to continue.

“She told me that Emmet had a couple of parties over the summer. Of course he would have the parties when we can’t get to them,” she complained. “May said that Emmet and Bethanne were slurping all over each other, but then they disappeared. Mayson overheard a couple of Emmet’s friends talking about Emmet hitting it – Bethanne’s ‘it’.”

I waited a moment before speaking. I wanted to be sure that my voice wasn’t trembling.

“So, there is no absolute proof…” I said carefully.

“Donya, where have you been?” Emmy looked at me like she didn’t know who I was. “If you paid any attention, you would know that Emmet can’t keep it in his pants. Bethanne, Stella, Sheila, Jane – they’re all a few names on a pretty long list of hoethangs.”

I fought against the urge to close my eyes in disbelief. I looked at my hands and realized I was rolling up the magazine into a tight cylinder that could be used to maybe beat Bethanne, Stella, Sheila, Jane and of course Emmet.

I let the magazine fall into my lap.

“How do you know these things?” I forced a small laugh.

“I’m in the know,” Emmy said proudly.

“Are you sure you’re just not in the rumor mill?” I offered.

“I am positive that these aren’t just rumors, D,” Emmy said confidently.

I looked wildly for a ray of hope.

“Well, at least they weren’t all in one summer,” I said.

“The summer is only half over, baby cakes,” Emmy pointed out. “Bethanne was only last week. I know he did Stella again before she took off for California, and that was just before we left to come down here. See? Male slut.” She shook her head and said “I’m ashamed to be his sister sometimes. Then again, I’m no prize either I guess.” She frowned for a moment before looking at me earnestly. “Thank god he looks at you like a sister, or he’d probably try to screw you, too.” She made a disgusted face and then made the international Gag Me sign. “Gross. So glad you’re not one of those girls that go for the best friend’s brothers. Then again, you’re not like other girls. I love you for it.”

She kissed my cheek and beamed at me. I reached deep, deep down and found a smile for her.

“I’m starving. I’m going to go make a sandwich,” she said, carefully rolling off of the hammock. “Want one?”

“No, thanks,” I said with my plastered smile. “I think I’ll go for a walk in a few.”

“Yeah, I’m not walking in this heat. Have fun with that, sister.”

She grabbed her magazine, threw me one last reassured smile and headed off to the house. I stood up. My head was spinning and I lost my footing and dropped into the green grass. I had to dig deep for the strength to get to my feet again. I walked slowly at first, until I was sure I wasn’t going to fall down again. As I walked down the long drive towards the main road, Fred’s truck turned onto the drive, headed towards the house. He and Emmet had gone to some car show in town after breakfast.

The truck came to a stop beside me. Emmet smiled at me, but I didn’t return the smile. I looked past him to Fred.

“Where you off to, Kiddo?” Fred asked.

“I’m just going for a walk,” I said to him.

“You okay?” he asked. Fred always knew when something was bothering me. I was thankful for it, but it was unwelcome at the moment.

“I’m good,” I lied. “I’ll be better after a walk.”

“Don’t go too far,” he warned.

“You’re going to let her go?” Emmet asked his dad incredulously.

“Emmet, she’ll be fine,” Fred said, looking at Emmet as if he had sprouted another head.

“She’s a young…pretty girl…walking alone,” Emmet stammered.

“And she’s a young, pretty girl that’s walked through this town more times than she can probably count.” Fred looked at me and smiled. “Have a safe walk, Kiddo. Don’t stay out too long.”

“Thanks, Fred,” I said. I gave Emmet a short look that made him tilt his head in confusion. His eyes asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t answer.

“I’ll walk with you,” Emmet said, pushing open his door, but Fred put his hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Son, it is obvious that she wants to be alone for a little while,” he said quietly.

Emmet looked like he wanted to argue, but he sighed and shut the door. He looked at me hard, but I didn’t look away.

“See ya later, Kiddo,” Fred said and stepped on the gas.

The truck continued down the driveway with Emmet’s head hanging out of the window, watching me.

The tether stretched. It pulled. It twisted. It hurt.

I took a few more steps toward the main road and then halted.

I was doing it again. I was running away from Emmet instead of talking to him. I did it after he first kissed me. I did it when I found about Stella and tried again after I found the condom in his car. I ran again on the boardwalk after I slapped him in the face and once more a couple of days before my departure from New Jersey.

Emmet was the only person I figuratively and physically ran from. The emotions he made me feel were overwhelming and they were no less overwhelming when I had to face them head on. The discomfort I felt whenever we had a serious discussion was crushing, but as I stood there on the side of the road, I realized that I couldn’t keep running away from him when I was angry or hurt. My mother turned inward instead of dealing with her emotions. My father turned to drugs and distanced himself from us rather than face me and my mother. I didn’t want to be like either one of them in that regard. I knew there would be times in my life when I would have to walk away from a fight or avoid negative situations, but this wasn’t one of those times.

I turned around and went back to the house. Emmet was outside, sitting on the porch, but my attention was drawn to Samantha and Fred walking hand in hand to the deck by the lake. As I neared the house, my eyes stayed on them for some time. They had been married for thirty-one years, and though it was a fact that Sam drove Fred crazy, they were still very much in love. Fred adored Sam and Sam still looked at Fred as the young, charming marine that she fell in love with when she was apparently only a little younger than me. I don’t think Emmy and her siblings really appreciated the love that was between their parents. They had no idea how lucky they were as a whole to witness true love. I wanted that someday. I wanted to marry a guy that I would be with forever and not have any regrets.

I turned away from the happy couple and looked at Emmet. I didn’t know where Emmy was and I didn’t want to alert her. I silently gestured for Emmet to follow me and walked away.

I didn’t turn around to see if he would follow. I felt his hesitation, but a moment later, I sensed him following me around the house in the opposite direction of the lake. In silence, we walked towards the line of trees at the front of the house. There were several acres of woods there, but years of kids venturing into the woods have cut out easy to navigate paths, though they weren’t as well used as they used to be. I waited until we were well beyond the sight of anyone that may be looking from the house before reaching out for Emmet’s hand. His fingers closed over mine without hesitation.

We were in the trees, out of sight of anyone back at the house before I broke the silence.

“Did you sleep with Bethanne?” I asked him as we continued to walk.

“Shit,” was his reply. He stopped walking and stared at me worriedly as he pushed his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered.

I looked down at the ground with a sigh. I crossed my arms over my chest as if to protect myself.

“I know this is probably the wrong thing to say,” Emmet said softly. “But you and I weren’t together. I would never cheat on you. I know you’re angry nonetheless.”

“A little bit,” I admitted. “And a little jealous. A little worried.”

“You don’t have anything to be jealous of.”

I looked up into his eyes. “You did sleep with her, didn’t you?”

He looked away from me. “I did.”

“Then don’t tell me I don’t have anything to be jealous of,” I said softly. “She’s been with you like that and I haven’t.”

“But you said yourself you aren’t ready for that, and I don’t think you’re ready either.”

“I know,” I agreed, looking down at the ground. “But I’m still jealous. Other girls know you in ways I don’t yet.”

“No,” Emmet said the word firmly and stopped walking. “Donya, look at me.” He put his fingers under my chin and turned my head. “Whatever I had with any of those other girls will never be able to touch what I know I will have with you. I didn’t love any of those girls. Okay?”

I nodded, unable to speak as I looked into his green eyes. His thumb gently moved over my lips and then he dropped his hand from my face. We resumed walking.

“Why are you worried?” he asked.

“How many girls have you been with?” I asked instead of immediately answering his question.

“Does it matter?”

“It matters to me.”

He sighed and glanced down at me. “Not as many as you think.”

“How many?” I insisted.

“Three,” he said hesitantly.

“The rumor is that you’ve been with more.”

“Are you going to believe the rumors, or are you going to believe me?” he asked with irritation.

I was quiet for a moment. Emmy was sure that Emmet had been with more girls, but then how could she know for sure unless she asked him directly or witnessed him in the act?

“Is that all forms of sex?” I asked reluctantly.

“Yes,” he said impatiently. “Why do you want to know?”

“Did you like it?” I asked, again avoiding another question.

“It’s sex. Yes, I liked it,” he snapped. “I don’t want to talk about other girls when I’m with you.”

I was quiet again. I had never felt insecure like girls my age tended to do. Despite my hardships with my parents, I didn’t think any less of myself. I was self-confident without being conceited. I didn’t obsess over my body. I didn’t struggle to fit in anywhere. I didn’t care too much what people thought about me and I didn’t kiss anyone’s ass. I did well in school and I was satisfied with my life in spite of my mom and dad. But now, with Emmet, I was second guessing myself.

“What if I’m not ready for a long time?” I quietly inquired. “You’re going to be in college with pretty girls your age that
are
ready.”

We stopped walking again. Emmet wrapped both of his arms around my waist.

“Donya, is that what you’re worried about? You’re worried that I am going to lose interest in you? That I’m going to become impatient and go somewhere else?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“I love you,” he said seriously. “I promise you I will never betray you. I promise you that I will wait for you, patiently, for as long as you need me to wait.” He cupped one side of my face. “I don’t want you to worry. You have me, okay? No one else.”