Tethered (J + P series) (11 page)

“We just decided we didn't want to spend the next 4 years dating and then get married without seeing what else was out there.” Tara replied.  She truly looked fine with this, an amicable breakup.  I, on the other hand, was in shock.  They were so connected at the hip that I couldn't imagine them as separate entities.  Also, this would probably mean Tara would hang around us more.  I was not a huge fan of Tara.  She was just a little bit different and I was not sure how her presence around our group would upset our balance. 

“Well you can join us at Chuck's party and man hunt there.” I suggested before I realized I was inviting her into our mix.  I needed to learn to think before I spoke.

“Sounds great!  How about we all get ready together, maybe at 7 in our room?” she suggested.  I nodded in agreement and retired to my solo room.  I needed some down before the party so I put on MTV.  As 7PM rolled around, I pulled out my shortest and tightest skirt, my black leggings, a fitted black v-neck, and a thick leather cuff for my wrist.  I grabbed my makeup and hair stuff and knocked on Tara and Jen's door.  They already had music playing and were putting on their outfits.  Jen was dressing casual; she already had Edward and was not man-hunting tonight.  He would not be back till tomorrow so she was ours until then.  Tara was wearing fitted jeans and a soft fitted sweater.  We all had our different looks but it worked for each of us.  We took turns helping each other with makeup and fixing our hair.  When we were satisfied with our looks, we grabbed our coats and went to the lobby.  Everyone else was already there, the gang (minus Edward and Jared) departed for the party.  It's a 20 minute walk across campus to Chuck's apartment.

As we approached his building, we heard the music pumping through the speakers.  I bet the cops would end up being called for the noise level at some point in the night.  We knocked but no one heard us, so we let ourselves in.  Chuck spied us from across the room and made a b-line for us.  “Perry, hey sweetie!  You made it.”  He looked genuinely happy to see me and genuinely drunk. 

“Hey Chuck, thanks for inviting us.  These are my friends.” I proceeded to introduce him to each of my friends and he welcomed them to his pad.  Chuck then introduced me to his two roommates and showed me around the place.  The front door was more like a revolving door.  People were coming and going left and right.  I wondered if Chuck knows all of these people or if they are strangers that had heard of the party.  There were about 30 people in the apartment at all times.  The apartment felt like a club with the lighting and tunes.  People were dancing, huddled in corners making out, chatting on the patio, very club-like.  No wonder his parties were notorious.

My gang mingled about.  They were all easy going people so they fit right in.  I ended up off to the side talking with Greg.  At first we quietly made fun of all the drunk people at the party.  But then I couldn't help but ask him if I was too nauseatingly obvious with my feelings for Jared.

“To those of us that are not oblivious?...A little.  But to the oblivious like Jared, no.  Listen, don't worry about it.  But really – don't waste your time there kid.  Find someone else.  Any guys here look good to you?” he asked.

I looked around and there was no one that caught my eye.  I'd rather spend my time hanging with Greg than waste any time on any of the guys here.  “None worthy of my affection.” I joked.  He laughed and nudged me.

“No worries, it's a big campus, lots of fish to pick from.” He was so optimistic.

“What about you?  How come you don't have a girlfriend?” I suddenly wondered and asked him.

“Me?  I can't escape my past.  There's a girl back home that keeps calling me and visiting.  But before you jump to conclusions, she is NOT my girlfriend AND I am not in love with her.” he told me.

“What?  What is she then?”

“She is a friend that is a girl.  We used to date and I think she hopes for more, but I don't see it going anywhere.  I just have fun with her when she comes around.”

“You're leading her on?” I asked appalled.  I couldn't imagine Greg hurting a girl or being so callous.

“Nope.  I have told her many times that I only want friendship – nothing more.  I wouldn't lead someone on Perry.” He stated as he sipped his drink. 

“Interesting.”

Jen pulled me aside and began gushing over Edward and the present he got her for Christmas.  She had it all, and she accomplished it all herself.  She changed from bashful to outgoing and scored a good guy, was enjoying college, and was truly happy.  Sometimes it's annoying to have to sit and listen to how perfect everything was for her when I had no man, a terribly hard curriculum that I was liking less and less, and an incredibly hard family life.  I put on my best smile and threw out a bunch of “that's awesome, that's so great's”.

Before I kn
e
w it, it was time to head home.  The coats were in the back bedroom and I volunteered to retrieve them.  In the room I was surprised to find Chuck's roommate sitting on the bed, with a gun to his head.  I couldn't think.  What was I looking at here?  What should I do?  What was his name?

“Um, Kevin, that's your name right?”  I managed to say.

He slowly turned to face me, “Huh?  Oh, it's you.” He remembered meeting me earlier.  What had happened to him within the past 2 hours that had caused him to downward spiral to the scene before me?

“What's going on?  Are you OK?” clearly he was not but I could not think of anything worth saying besides that.  He had tears on his cheeks and was clearly upset.  He shook his head 'no' and put his head in his hands.  He was still holding the gun and I decided I needed Chuck in here.

“Kevin, let me get you some water and we'll talk about it.  Can you just wait for me?” I begged.  He nodded, surprisingly.  I ran out of the room and grabbed Chuck.  He was chatting with some bimbo that he probably planned to hook up with later.  He would probably be pretty mad that I had interrupted his play on that chick, but this was important.  “Chuck, you need to get in Kevin's room.  He has a gun to his head and is SO not OK.”

Chuck sobered up instantly and worry crossed his face. “Shit.” he bolted down the back hall toward the bedroom.  I followed and watched him kneel in front of Kevin and began talking to him quietly.  While he was distracted I grabbed all our coats and left.  I did not want to be there if that gun went off.  I threw each friend their coat and told them we were leaving immediately.  On the walk home I let my friend's know about what I had saw.  I made a mental note to ask Chuck about it the next day.  Hopefully we would not be reading about Kevin's death in the school newspaper in the morning.

Back at the dorm we all said goodnight and separated off to our rooms.  I returned to my empty room.  This was one of those moments when I regretted not having a roommate.  I could use a friend to talk to right now. I got ready for bed and laid there thinking about Jared, Greg, and Kevin.  What a mess.  I needed to throw myself into my school work and forget about all the drama.  That would end the ordeal with Jared, it would get me the best grades I could achieve, and hopefully I would earn a little respect from my parents.  That was my plan.  The peace of finally knowing what to do had allowed sleep to come in and take over.

Chapter 19

February

After I ate breakfast/lunch on my own, I threw myself into my books.  I didn't need to hear about social activities to distract me. 

That afternoon I stud
ied
until my brain was fried.  Mags knocked at my door and invited me to join them for pizza.  I agreed to join since I could not store anymore information in my brain tonight.  Ian and Tim's welcomed us into their room.  We sat around munching on pizza and drinking soda.  It's a light-hearted good time that was much needed.  “Tim, when are you gonna' let Mags know about our little affair?” I teased.  Mags was dying laughing.  She knew Tim and I were good friends and nothing more, but I enjoyed teasing Tim and Mags.  They were an amazing couple that I hoped would get married one day.

We said goodnight to the boys and headed out the door.  Greg and Jared's door was open and I waved at Greg.  Jared was too engrossed in something on the computer to notice us.  Greg came over to us, “What's up, you two causing trouble?” he said quietly.

“Nope, just having pizza with Ian and Tim.” Mags replied.

“Hey Perry, whatever happened with that guy at the party?  Did you talk to Chuck?” Greg asked.

“What guy from the party?” Jared asks as he stood up and walked toward us.  He actually looked a little jealous.  Did he think I hooked up with a guy?

“Oh, Chuck calmed him down and put him to bed.  Apparently he gets real moody when he drinks and he had too much last night.” I directed at Greg.

“What are you talking about?”  Jared asked.  Greg rolled his eyes, which probably meant that he and Jared were not getting along.

“We went to a party and one of Chuck's roommates put a gun to his head.  Chuck calmed him down and all is fine.” I said in a dismissive tone.

“Oh, glad you’re OK” he said before going back to his computer.

“See ya'” I said and turned away with Mags. 

When we were in the safety of the girl's wing Mags asked, “What's going on with you and Jared?”

“What do you mean?  Nothing.”

“Perry, we all know you have feelings for Jared.  Why are you being weird with him?”

“Oh God, how can it be obvious to everyone but him?  I must suck at this love thing.  He flirts with me, and then blows me off.  It's driving me nuts.  I either need to marry him or kill him” I joked.  Mags laughed at this crazy rant.  “I don't know what to do.  I think I just need to forget about him and let love come to me.  I am trying too hard and wasting too many brain cells thinking about it.  I plan on studying my tail off this semester and going to an occasional party to let off some steam.  That's it.  Oh, and seeing DisGrace. No Jared.  No boyfriend drama.”

“Of course” she winked.  “Poor girl.  Some guys are oblivious, I am sorry he sends you mixed signals.  You'll find someone that's right for you when you least expect it.”

“Thanks Mags.  I needed to hear that.” she gave me a hug and we said goodnight to each other.

The next morning was the lottery drawing for tickets to the DisGrace concert.  Jen and I went together to the music hall to pick up our tickets.  The drawing would take place later in the day.  There was a sign posted on the music hall doors stating that each person possessing a winning lottery ticket may purchase up to 3 tickets.  I quickly did the math; there were nine of us that wanted to attend.  So three of us needed to get picked for us to buy enough tickets.  It's nerve racking not knowing if we won.  I tried to go about my day but my brain was thinking about the lottery.  Music was such an important part of my life and I would love to see DisGrace in concert.  

After lunch I attended my last class of the day and swung by the music hall.  They posted the lottery results.  I dug into my back pocket and pulled mine out.  #137.  I scanned the numbers – there must have been over 500 numbers that they pulled.  After scanning it thoroughly, I finally saw it...#137.  YES!  I was guaranteed a seat at the concert!  I made it back to the dorm and pinned the ticket to my bulletin board.  We could pick up tickets from the music hall in two weeks.  I was so excited and no one seemed to be around to share the news.  Maybe I should visit the gym.  I threw on my workout clothes and decided to burn off some of this excited energy.  At the gym I started with a warm up run and then moved on to weights.  As I was doing bicep curls I noticed this guy staring at me.  He's not gawking; it's more like he was trying to place me.  I tried not to make eye contact with him because I felt uncomfortable.  I was not sure if I had ever seen him before.  I finished my set and moved to the mats for sit-ups.  When I finished, I grabbed my coat and headed toward the doors.  The staring guy came over to me and held the door for me.  “Don't I know you from somewhere?” he had a Russian accent. 

“I don't think so, sorry.” I said as I was about to push past. 

“What is your major?  Maybe I have you in a lecture hall.” he suggested.

“Life sciences.”

“Hmm, mine is international business – we probably are not in the same classes.  Are you in the dorms or an apartment?” he continued prying.

“Dorms, Owens – just next door.” 

“That's it!  I am second floor guys’ wing.  I must have seen you in the dining hall.  I'm Leo.” he extended his hand.

“Leo, nice to meet you.  Next time I see you I will say hi.” I smiled and wiggled past him.

“Bye Perry, nice to meet you too.” he said with a thoughtful look on his face.

It was a strange interaction between the two of us, but he seemed nice enough.  Back at the dorm I hit the shower to wash my sweat away.  The nice thing about working out was I could skip get away without wearing makeup and look fine.  My cheeks held the blush that surfaced on them from a solid workout.  Mags and Lauren join me for dinner where we meet the rest of our gang, minus Jen and Edward.  After we got our food and found a table, I noticed that Jared had a bandaged hand.  I looked over at Greg and did not see any physical marring but the tension between he and Jared was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.  “Hey Jared, what happened with the hand.” I asked.  Everyone at the table looked down at him and was now curious.

“Greg pissed me off and we got into a fight.”  I glanced at Greg who is scratching his nose with his middle finger.  Greg must still be annoyed with him.

I couldn't believe they came to punches over something.  Maybe they were bubbling over with annoyance with each other and needed to get some of it out. “What were you fighting about?”

“Stupid DisGrace tickets.  Greg won the lottery and was being a dick about it.  Next thing I know, we were screaming and shoving each other.” Jared explained.

“Jerk”, Greg muttered under his breath. 

“What about your hand?  How did you hurt that?” Lauren asked.

“I was so pissed I punched the brick wall and shredded the skin on my knuckles.”

“Wow.” and that about summed it up.  I announced that I won the lottery as well and we discovered that Lauren had too.  So we had enough tickets for everyone to attend.  I was dying to know the details of the fight between the boys but I didn't dare ask about it in front of everyone.  I would hate to be in their situation right now – still volatile and having to hang in the same room as each other.  After lunch, my friends were pumping me for info about Greg and Jared.

“I have no clue.  I mean I know they both want to go, so maybe they fought about something before they found out they won. They have not been getting along as well lately.  Honestly, I am closer to Greg these days and he hasn't said much.”  The girls were unsatisfied with my guesses/info and urged me to pry into their drama to satisfy their curiosities.

Back at the room I called my parents.  I was hopeful the conversation would go well since I was in a good mood.  “Hey Mom and Dad”, they put me on speakerphone so they could talk to me at the same time.  “Hey, how's school?” my dad asked. 

“Fine, studying hard as always.  What's new with you guys?” 

“Not too much.  We have been organizing things and working.” Mom said.

“Oh yeah?  Are you guys gonna' have a garage sale or just trying to declutter?” 

“Declutter, we donated a lot of items and threw a bunch out.  You had some boxes that were just filled with junk.  So we donated a lot of that stuff.” my mom replied in a flat tone.

I was frozen and speechless, unable to form words with the panic rising in my chest.  After a few moments, I find my voice and am able to ask which boxes they looked in.

“The one's in your closet.  Lots of crap in there, I don't know why you hadn't thrown that stuff away already.” she wondered.

In my mind I was screaming at her and saying “I didn't throw it away because it BELONGED TO ME, MY MEMORIES, MY TREASURES, AND CREATIONS.  NOT JUNK!” but nothing came out of my mouth.  Words were useless against them.  I couldn't get my stuff back.  I was three hours away from them, with no car, no way to retrieve my items.  I could not believe that they went into my closet, into a box with my name on it, and threw most of it away.  What part of this planet could I safely call mine, where I did not have to fear my things would be taken away from me at any given moment?  I felt the tears building behind my eyes.  I had so much to say at that moment and despised them for making me unable to speak those words.  All of those interactions with them growing up taught me to be silent.  When I would find the courage to defend myself, they would either ignore me, turn my words around and tell everyone how disrespectful I was for saying it, or punish me.  Silence never got me in trouble.  “I gotta' go.  Love you.  Bye.”  I hung up.  I didn't even wait to see if they echoed my affections.  I needed to calm down.  I needed to release this feeling inside.  I could feel their controlling coil wrap tighter around me.  I scrambled for my pocket knife and was shaking from the emotions bubbling inside of me.  I was about to burst from the pain and frustration I felt inside.  I cut my inner forearm, just above my elbow.  I broke the skin but did not cut deep.  The relief was instantaneous.  I let the sorrow drip out of my body with the blood. 

I sat there, on the floor of my dorm room, with my back against the wall.  My mind was beginning to quiet all the negative thoughts swirling about my head.  The cutting took the physical pain I felt inside away, but it could not heal the mental wounds.  When I came out of my emotional haze, I looked down at my bloody arm, and the bloody knife that cut my soft smooth skin.  I felt disgusted and ashamed that I cut again.  I knew I shouldn't do it, but I was afraid I might explode if I keep all those emotions stewing around inside of me.  I took a few calming breaths and proceeded to clean up the blood and knife.  After washing up with soap and water, I stared at the garbage can and debated whether I should throw the knife away.  It's a little Swiss army knife with several mini tools, but I only used it for cutting.  I walked over to the trash can and hold the knife over it.  My breathing became more ragged and my hand started trembling.  This damn knife was like a safety blanket for me.  It took my pain away, I knew of no other way to cope.  I pulled my hand back and stuffed the knife into my pocket.  Then I put ointment on my cut and covered it with a bandage and a long sleeve shirt.

I didn't want to go back to my room alone and be stuck in there with my thoughts.  They were too dark, too negative, and being alone would not improve that.  I needed a more public spot to pull out of this.  The radio station is not being used, thankfully.  I opened the door and turned on the cozy lighting (lava lamp and some Christmas lights hung from the ceiling).  I left the door open to let wandering students know they could come in.  I was not broadcasting, just hanging out and listening to whatever my heart needed at the moment.  Music had always been an ointment for the wounds on my soul.  

After several songs I noticed someone standing against the wall in the doorway.  Jared.  He was standing with his arms folded, quietly watching me.  He took my breath away, just the sight of him.  His hair was messy, he had on a concert t-shirt, and ragged jeans. He was lean with broad shoulders and the dim lights made him look even better. “Whatcha' doin'?” he asked.

“How long have you been standing there?” I returned, a little embarrassed.

“Long enough.” he replied.