Texas Tender (30 page)

“We're not plotting,” Carl said. “Things can't get back to where they were as long as she has any doubt in her mind that I'm the only man she loves. I can't fight her father's opposition and her doubts at the same time. You ought to understand that.”

Idalou hoped she didn't blush.

“Did she ask you to lead her out in the first dance?” Will asked.

“Yes, but I told her she ought to ask her father.”

“She asked Will, and he said the same thing.”

“It's only logical,” Carl said.

“Not for a woman,” Idalou responded, “especially one who's confused about whom she loves.”

“Then she's a lot safer with her father,” Carl said and headed off toward a group of young men.

“That boy is maturing quite nicely,” Will said.

It was no secret that Carl had been in love with Mara for years. When he was fifteen, he announced he was going to marry her. He'd been jealous of any time she spent with Van or any other young man. Now he was acting like a man of sophistication . . . like Will.

“I just hope he's not making a mistake. Mara is so volatile. If she thinks he's fallen out of love with her, she might marry Van to get back at him.”

“Then he'd be better off without her. However, your brother's love life is not of great interest to me at the moment.”

“What is?”

“You.”

Will's directness never failed to knock her off her feet. In an attempt to match his boldness, she asked, “So what do you plan to do about it?”

“Dance every dance with you and steal as many kisses as I can before the party's over.”

Idalou felt a little breathless. “Are you sure you're up to such an ambitious program?”

“Absolutely. Are you?”

“I am if you are.”

But she wasn't sure at all. Her limited experience with Webb made her feel like a fledgling. No matter
how conflicts might complicate things for her, Will always seemed to know exactly how he felt. He gave the appearance of being very relaxed, even lazy, but he'd managed to handle every situation that had come his way.

As long as she could remember, she'd had to be in control. Her struggle with Jordan and with the bank had all been for control of her life, control over the ranch, control over the changes in fortune that threatened her and Carl. She had lived with the fear that if she relaxed her vigilance for even a moment, everything would come crashing down.

Will frightened her because with him she never felt in control of anything. Not her ranch, her brother, or even her feelings. Sometimes a sense of relief—a feeling of an enormous weight being lifted off her heart—would come momentarily, but it was so brief she couldn't get a hold on it. Still, she had the sense that it was something she would like, maybe even something wonderful. She didn't understand why that should frighten her, but it did.

Yet it also drew her toward it, because on the other side was the promise of happiness such as she'd never known. She didn't trust that feeling any more than she trusted the others, but she knew that all her feelings were connected with Will. And while much about Will confused her, even more about him attracted her. She'd made the decision to find out what her true feelings for him were. In doing so, she had to risk the possibility of enormous relief, of real happiness.

She didn't know what that would be like, but she wanted to find out. She knew far more than she wanted to know about all the difficulties in life.

The next hour moved along much as Idalou had expected. People ate, laughed, and gathered in constantly changing clusters to talk about virtually everything in
their lives. The women took advantage of the tables that had been set up in the house, on the porch, and in the yard. The men preferred to eat outside and standing up.

Will had brought a blanket, which he spread on the ground far enough from the house to offer a little privacy. He made sure Idalou was comfortable before he went into the house to get their food. It didn't go unnoticed that this was the reverse of what happened with other couples. Several men watched uneasily as Will made sure Idalou had everything she wanted before he sat down to join her. Women stared at Will as a matter of course, but tonight an element of longing and jealousy was added to their expressions.

“Alma tells me that the barbecue is really hot,” Will said, “so be careful.”

“I like it hot,” she said.

“You're braver than I am. More than two chili peppers, and I'll end up at the well with my head in the bucket.”

“How do you find anything to eat in the Hill Country? That's not far from San Antonio, and everything there is hot.”

“My mother was brought up by an English aunt who didn't believe in feeding people food that would cause fire to come out of their ears.”

Idalou watched with amusement as Will carefully removed most of the sauce from the barbecued ribs before he took a bite. “How is it?” she asked.

“Hot, but I can stand it.”

She laughed when he took a swallow of water before taking a second bite. “You're a liar. Your eyes are already beginning to water.”

“I don't want to look like a complete washout. You don't think a lot of me as it is.”

The heat she felt had nothing to do with the barbecue
sauce. “I've had a difficult time sorting through my feelings, but I do know I like you very much. I'm sorry I didn't walk with you the first time you asked.”

“If you really mean that, I'll eat these ribs with all the sauce on them.”

Idalou felt the tension ease and she laughed. “Pass me the ribs and eat the chicken salad. You're supposed to have fun at a party. Not suffer for love.”

She didn't know why she'd said that word. He'd never said he loved her. She'd never thought he did, but it popped out anyway. He looked as surprised as she did.

“Sorry. I don't know why I said that.”

“Why? Do you think it's impossible for me to love you?”

“I hope it's not impossible for any man to love me.”

“I didn't say anything about other men. I asked if you thought it was impossible for
me
to love you.”

“Not impossible,” she managed to say, “but not very likely.”

“Why?”

“You haven't said you love me.”

“Forget what I have or haven't said. You rarely listen to me anyway. Why is it unlikely that I would love you?”

“I'm hard to get along with. I have a temper, and I'm incredibly stubborn. If I don't like something, I say so and set about trying to change it. I don't like being indebted to anyone. I get really angry when I don't get what I want, I have little tolerance of people's opinions when they disagree with mine, and I don't in the least mind people being angry with me.”

“All of those are admirable qualities in the right circumstances.”

“I've tried to keep my brother from growing up, I
didn't trust you for the longest time, and I'm terribly jealous of the attention you give Junie Mae.” There. If that didn't run him off, nothing would.

Will grinned as if he'd won a prize. “That's part of the reason I like you so much. You've tried to protect your brother because you love him very much and take seriously your responsibility to bring him up safely. You had every reason to distrust me at first. I was a stranger, I didn't want to get involved in your search for the bull, and I insisted that you stop accusing Jordan of trying to destroy you. And you wouldn't be jealous of Junie Mae if you didn't like me at least a little.”

Idalou felt something very odd happening in the region of her stomach. “Any other vices you insist upon turning into virtues?” She wasn't asking for more compliments. It was a kind of backhanded way of saying she appreciated his putting a good face on things, but she wasn't buying it.

“No, but I do have one more observation. You're petrified of falling in love because it means losing control. And losing control means you're vulnerable. You've been fighting vulnerability all your life because you equate it with weakness. That's not always true. It takes a truly strong person to let herself be vulnerable, to risk hurt or pain. But happiness never comes without risk. The greater the happiness, the greater the risk, because the greater the pain of loss.”

Idalou had lost her appetite. She'd promised herself that she'd open up, that she'd explore her feelings for Will, but his deft penetration of the walls she'd constructed to give her the strength to fight her battles left her feeling exposed and powerless.

Unable to face Will's gaze just yet, she looked toward the groups of people scattered about the yard. Mara was talking to Carl. She looked upset, and he
looked stubborn. Both had opened their hearts, and look what had happened. Mara couldn't make up her mind whom she wanted, and Carl had to watch the woman he loved vacillate between two other men. Was this what awaited Idalou if she let down her barriers and opened her heart to love? Did she have the courage to face what she'd endured when Webb turned his back on her? She had no assurance that Will's interest would last any longer than his stay in Dunmore. Her life had been a long series of tragedies. Why should this be any different?

“That scares you, doesn't it?” Will asked.

Not knowing what to say, she nodded.

“You don't have to feel powerless. The people who love you will be more than happy to fight your battles with you.”

No one ever had. Even though she'd never doubted her family's love, she'd always felt alone. She'd been the one to try to reason with her father's extravagant dreams and her mother's willingness to allow him to have his way. When the trouble at the ranch started after their deaths, she'd been driven even further into isolation. Now Will was asking her to set aside the lessons experience had taught her and trust him. She thought she had done so, but his understanding of her had made her realize she was only fooling herself. She was still running from vulnerability.

Van had joined Mara and Carl. Now Idalou was sure they were arguing. A moment later, Carl turned and stalked off. Van grabbed Mara's arm when she started to follow him. Angry, Mara turned on Van and said something before she stalked off in the opposite direction from Carl. Equally angry, Van went after her.

If this was love, why would a sane person want any part of it?

“If you're through eating, why don't we go for a walk?”

Idalou jerked her attention back to Will. Even though she'd seen him every day for weeks, her heart skipped a beat every time she looked at him. It still seemed impossible that a man could be so handsome. When she looked at him now, however, she saw a lot more than just his face.

This was a man who'd faced danger to save a small dog and a silly girl's honor, who'd faced even greater peril to pull her from the floodwaters. This was the same man who'd caused the most powerful men in town to beg him to take the sheriff's job permanently. And most incomprehensibly, he was the man who continued to be interested in her despite actions that would have caused a dozen other men to curse her name.

“You haven't eaten anything, either,” she said.

His smile continued to have the power to surprise her. “I'm not hungry.”

“Alma would be upset if she knew.”

“Maybe one of the dogs will carry our food off when we're not looking.”

That was something else about Will. No matter what happened, he always found a positive way of looking at things.

“Maybe we could find Carl,” she said.

“I'll wait here.”

His response surprised her because she knew he liked Carl.

“I have no right to interfere in your relationship with your brother, but as a man I can tell you that I wouldn't want my sister trailing after me when I'd had a spat with my girlfriend.”

His answer irritated her. She wasn't trying to interfere. She was just worried about Carl.

“Also as a man, I find it less than flattering that the woman I'm interested in would rather be with another man, even if that man is her brother.”

“That's not it at all. I'm just worried about him.”

“How about after he's married? Will you want to interfere every time he and his wife have a disagreement?”

She realized that was exactly what she'd want to do. Which, of course, would be exactly the
wrong
thing to do.

“Sorry. After worrying about him from the time he was old enough to walk, I'm finding it hard to realize he's old enough to fight his own battles.”

Will got to his feet and held out his hand to her. “It's about time you started thinking about yourself for a change. A little bit of selfishness is a good thing.”

She didn't know if she could do that, but the thought of being able to lay aside all her worries was a great temptation. She'd never realized how tired she was of carrying the burden alone. It had colored every part of her life, destroyed her relationship with Webb, and made everyone in Dunmore wary of having anything to do with her.

When she reached up to take Will's outstretched hand, she felt that she'd reached a crossroads in her life. By taking his hand and letting him lead her away from the party, she was saying that she was relinquishing her attempts to control every part of her life. She was saying Carl was old enough to make his own decisions without her input. She was letting go of the determination to do everything without anybody's help.

But try as she might, she couldn't let go of her fear of being hurt.

“Would you have come to this party if I hadn't invited
you?” Will still held her hand as they walked toward the corrals behind the ranch house.

“Probably not.” Even though she knew her absence would be considered an affront, she'd intended to stay in the hotel with Junie Mae. The latter was so slim, her condition had already begun to show. Idalou hadn't even told Carl that Will's invitation had changed her mind.