Read Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks Online

Authors: Matt Andrews

Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Pictorial

Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (19 page)

BOOK: Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks
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It’s the same thing as money but it only works at the Cracker Barrel.

There’s no way I’m kissing your feet.

Well, for the amount I’m paying, there ought to be some extra services in addition to the horse ride.

I didn’t see it in the ad, but does the ride come with women in bikinis who can dangle grapes into my mouth and stuff.

Forget it man, this is fucking ridiculous.

I run a serious business, not some medieval chauffeur service. Go rent a corvette or some shit.

 

Hello

Is this Ryan?

Yea can I help you

Just looking for a little assistance with some cable installation.

oh ok great!

What cable provider are you currently using?

I’m not real sure.

Is that ok?

No problem!

Do you need any outlets installed? Any wiring?

Ryan, I’ll be honest.
I’m not really good with electronics.

Thats ok.

Just tell me what exactly you’re trying to do?

Well simply put, I need you to set up cable TV in a backyard treehouse.

Ok that shouldn’t be too hard.

How far is the treehouse from your home?

I’d say maybe 20 yards, give or take.

Ok well then it’s really just a wiring issue.

We could run a line, underground, from the house to the treehouse.

Shouldn’t be too big of an issue.

That sounds like it could work.

When are you free? What’s your address?

I can swing by and get you an estimate.

Well your ad says you work nights and weekends. That’s probably best for me, as well.

Yes

What’s the best day for you?

I’m free this Thursday night.

That works for me.

ok

How about you swing by around 11 and we’ll go from there.

11 at night?

Yea

That’s a little too late for me

Sorry

When I say “nights” I mean between 5 and 8 pm.

Nothing too much later than that.

Well thats not gonna work for me

ok

how about Saturday afternoon?

No that won’t work either.

I can probably do 9pm on Thursday.

Will that work?

Thats pushing it.

But I think I may be able to swing that.

If the job sounds as simple as just placing a line …

Ok good.

Well if you’re doing it that early I’m gonna need you to park on the street behind the house and jump the fence.

You ok with that?

Hello?

Why would I need to do that?

Well I don’t want to startle anyone.

And I know everybody in the house usually goes to sleep around 9.

I’m not following you.

Well, I’ll be honest with you Ryan.

Technically they don’t know I live in the tree house.

Who?

The people who live in the house.

Man I’m so lost right now.

Listen man. I’ve been cooped up in this tree house for like 2 weeks now.

You gotta help me out

You don’t actually live there?

Yes I do

Well, I don’t live in the house, per se.

But I feel like I’m comfortable enough to call the treehouse “my home”.

Are you messing with me?

Do the people in the house know you’re in there?

Of course!

Well, their 8-year old son does.

He’s the one who’s been sneaking me food.

This is ridiculous.

I want no part of this.

C’mon man. I’m getting bored up here.

I need something to entertain me.

Up to this point, I’ve just been catching glimpses of “The King of Queens” through the patio door but I can’t hear a thing.

You know how tough it is to watch a sitcom and not get to hear the jokes?

It’s absolute torture.

If you’re being serious, I want nothing to do with this.

That’s so illegal.

Ryan, It’s only illegal if they know about it.

Besides, I thought you were looking for some extra cash?

Yea but I’m not doing that!

Well can you at least bring me some food?

Like I said earlier, the kid told me he’d bring up some food, but so far all he brought me was an old bag of candy canes.

You’re on your own.

Help me out Ryan.

Man can’t survive on candy canes alone!

Thank-Yous

Lonnie Smothers, Jerry Snuggleton, Teddy Brewsker, Rickey Diggs, Bernie Womack, Brad Boskey, Jerry Paxton, Rod Jabolonski, Mrs. Godfrey, Don and Peggy Winfield, Wayne Stuckey, Jerry Kooser, Cliff Dudley and his cousin, Scooter, T.J. Osweiler, Scott Ziggler, Chad DeLaSagna, Brody Mandrake, Todd Koogler, Ernie McNair, Steve Jenkins, PeePaw, Daryl Chestnut, Eric Samarco, Donny Nuggets, Pat Sheplan, Steve Cranny, Tony 2-Wheels and the Bonilla Brothers, Dwayne Bumpus, Nwabudike the Nigerian Prince, Crazy Omar and all the free hot dogs, Jeepers Shadowcaster, The Snark, Jarrell Spinks, Critter Johnson, Roland Hazelrig, The Rascal Scooter Company, Bogus Brian and his woman, Bad Chad, Kandy Koolwater, Beef Eigler, Buzz “The Buzzard” Haltom, and Joseph Crabshack

 

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Contents

Introduction

Management & Leadership

The Manager

The Manager II

The Dog Treats

The Restroom

Wanted: Items

The Satellite Dish

The PT Cruiser Wheel

The Gift Cards

The Mitsubishi Eclipse

The iPhone

The Fireworks

The Pepper Spray

The Ten Speed

The Baby Fence

Wanted: Services

The Baseball Team

The Guitar Lessons

The Coffee Shop Show

The Graphic Designer

The Custom Costume

For Rent

The Moon Bounce

The Margarita Machine

The Boat Storage

For Sale or Trade

Subs and Amps

The Autograph

The Chili’s Gift Card

The Painting

The Sexy Cop Uniform

The Batman DVD

The Cotton Candy

Services: Skilled Trade

The Wifi Guy

The Man Cave

The Computer Repairman

The Computer Repairman II

The Pool Repairman

The iPhone Repairman

The Vending Machine

The Rabbit, A Taxidermy Tale

The Plumber

Services: Education and Learning

The Math Tutor

The Pitching Lesson

The Airbrush Painter

The Writer

Services: Gigs

The Christian DJ

The Halloween DJ

The Personal Driver

The Epic Party

Lingo the Clown

The Songwriter

The Horse Carriage

The Cable Installer

Thank-Yous

TEXTASTROPHE
. Copyright © 2015 by Matt Andrews.
All rights reserved. Printed in China. For information, address
St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Designed by Jonathan Bennett

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Andrews, Matt, 1972 February 15-

Textastrophe: a collection of hilariously catastrophic text pranks / Matt Andrews.

      p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-250-05140-0 (trade paperback)

eISBN: 978-1-4668-5208-2

1. Text messaging (Cell phone systems)—Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.T565A53 2015

818’.60208—dc23

                                                2014034029

eBooks may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases, please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department by writing to
[email protected]
.

First Edition: February 2015

10   9   8   7   6   5   4   3   2   1

BOOK: Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks
7.15Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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