Authors: Matt Andrews
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Pictorial
St. Martin’s Griffin
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For Papa John
I guess it all started when I got a job at that lousy shopping mall after I got fired from IHOP. It was a rather boring job, sitting at a kiosk in the middle of a mostly vacant walkway, attempting to sell smart phones to the few people who passed by. Weekdays were even slower, with the customers few and far between. I had to figure out a way to entertain myself while bearing through those dreaded 10-hour work days.
On one exceptionally unexciting day, while perusing Craigslist ads, I stumbled upon a post in which the ad-placer published their personal cell phone number. Included in their message was a request to text this particular number for further information. Given my complete state of boredom and a strange talent for pranking friends and family, I decided to go ahead and text the number in the ad.
The results were nothing short of hilarious.
With a surplus of cell phones at my disposal and the ability to remain anonymous, I decided to continue my antics. My pranks extended to all those phone numbers I came across, online or in public.
Enclosed is a collection of my favorite texts inspired by actual encounters with individuals who have placed their numbers in public places. The names and places of people and businesses and certain details have been changed for anonymity.
Hope you enjoy,
Is this Mark the manager from TGI Friday’s?
This is Mark.
Who is this?
My name is Don Winfield, I hate to text you so early in the morning but I thought i’d let you know that I came to your restaurant last night and I think the food prepared by your establishment gave me food poisoning.
First, I would like to apologize on behalf of myself and TGI Friday’s.
Second, when did you come in and do you remember what you had?
Came in around 6pm and started off with a couple coconut colada margaritas and some Tostado Nachos.
Was that all? When did you get sick?
I probably had about 14 Coors Lights after the nachos and I got sick when I got home probably around, I dunno, 2am?
Maybe 15 but who’s counting lol ;)
Anyway, came home and spewed all over the place.
Puked all over my couch and a pair of my wife’s new shoes. Figured I could swing by and pick up a check from you so I can get this couch cleaned and get the wife a new pair of shoes.
I’m sorry Mr. Winfield I don’t think I can pay you for your couch. It sounds like you just got drunk and got sick.
I don’t know if you can pinpoint that it was the food that actually made you sick.
I’m pretty sure it was those nachos because that’s what I threw up.
Oh! I think I had some mozzarella cheese sticks at some point too, because those things were all over the couch.
I think a check for $200 should cover it.
I’m sorry it sounds like you had too much to drink. I can’t help you with the couch.
Well my wife gets back today around 3 and if she sees this couch and her new shoes covered in vomit she will know I’ve been drinking again and she is going to kill me.
So we gotta get this cleaned.
I can’t help you.
What do you mean you can’t help me?? I’ve been true blue TGI Fridays since day 1 and now you’re gonna leave me up a creek?
Seriously Mark, if Peggy sees this mess she is going to leave me for sure!
I’m sorry there is nothing I can do.
The bar tender shouldn’t have even served you that much.
Oh I snuck a few cold ones in.
Drank ’em in the bathroom.
I would have not let that go on if I knew you were doing that.
So you’re saying you can’t cut me a check?
Can I get a free meal or something?
Free beer? I’ll take anything but Coors Light.
Please stop texting me.
Think these could have got me sick?
I must have tore into this old box of fish sticks when I got home.
They expired when Space Jam was still in theatres, so I’m pretty sure that’s what made me barf.
Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Hello, is this Brandon from Joe’s Crab Shack?
Yes hello! Who is this?
You don’t know me but my name is Donny Nuggets, for what it’s worth.