Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (7 page)

Ye

Yes

Do you know somebody?

Actually sir, I am that somebody.

great

I saw that you want your son to learn some electric guitar?

Well, HE wants to learn the electric guitar.

I wanted him to start with an acoustic, but he’s only interested in rock music.

Well after I teach him my skills, he’ll be rocking out in no time!

He’ll be glad to hear that.

Can you call? I’d much rather discuss this over the phone.

No can do. I’m currently at my day job.

Can’t let my boss know that I’m using company time to conduct personal business.

Ok I guess this will work for now

Can you tell me more about your lessons?

After I’m done teaching him, he’ll be a Rock God!

Ladies will be knocking on the door asking about your son!

Haha he’ll be glad to hear that too.

And how much is this going to cost?

Sorry for the interrogation.

I just spent $100 on a single lesson from some college kid that wasn’t even that good at guitar himself.

No worries man.

I charge $20 for half an hour, or $30 for a full hour.

That seems like a reasonable price.

I assume you’ve had quite a bit of experience?

Indeed

Been playing guitar for about 15 years, teaching for 5.

How old is your son?

14

Just started high school

Then now is the perfect time to learn.

A perfect age to woo the women;)

Ok so when can he start?

We can start tomorrow if you’d like.

I’m sure that will be fine with him.

He gets out of school at 3:30, does 4 work?

Perfect

Just have him meet me at the food court at the mall around then.

Ok

Sorry

Do you have a studio there or something?

uh no

Sorry but why would you teach a lesson at the mall?

Sir, if your son is anything like the other high schoolers I’ve taught Rock and Roll to, he needs to up his wardrobe game.

I’m not following you.

The first lesson in Rock and Roll is looking the part.

If you want your kid to be the best, he’s gotta dress like it first.

Are you serious?

Yes sir. You think women want some ordinary-looking guy that plays guitar?

They want some mojo!

Right …

I’m more interested in him learning the basics first …

Hey man, when it comes to rock music, that is the basics.

Lets just start with teaching him the standard stuff

chords … how to tune the guitar …

That all comes later.

Take it from me, I know what I’m talking about.

I’m beginning to think you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Trust me

Another guy I’m teaching just completed his 4th lesson and he has yet to strum the strings of a guitar.

As a matter of fact, I gave him some homework tonight

He’s learning The California Panty Peeler, an essential skill taught to every talented guitarist

… and whats that?

It’s a very complicated musical maneuver in which the performer rests the butt of his guitar on his crotch while gently thrusting his pelvis back and forth.

Extremely gifted guitarists master the skill of sticking their tongue out while performing such an intricate maneuver.

The ladies, they love it man.

Your sons not there yet, but with my lessons, he’ll be there soon.

What the hell is wrong with you guy

Hey man, Do you want me to teach your kid how to play guitar or teach him how to get laid?

Get off my phone!

I stumbled upon this flyer at a local coffee shop:

Hi, is this Hannah from Michael’s Coffee Café?

Yup. Who’s this?

My name is Pat Sheplan. I heard about a show you’re booking artists for on March 1st.

I would love it if my band could perform.

Yes!

Can you send me a link to some of your music? We have several spots open throughout the day.

We don’t have anything on the web, we just started the band a few weeks ago.

I’m positive you’ll like it though.

What type of music is it?

It’s tough to say.

I find it difficult to classify our sound.

Ok

What type of instruments are involved? Would you categorize it under blue grass? Or folk maybe?

We like to refer to it as a sub-genre. It’s a mix between Scum Crust and Porno Grind.

But I guess the old people like to call it Rock N’ Roll!

lol

Ok

Well just so you know, we won’t have a sound system there.

No worries.

We can plug into Rudy’s van. He’s got a high-octane battery in that sucker. It’ll power us for hours if needed.

You’re getting the wrong idea.

This is a small gathering of local artists at an artesian coffee shop. We don’t want any electric powered instruments …

That’s not the idea of the show.

Trust me. Your fans will love it!

Our guitarist has 7 years experience and never disappoints.

So should we play early or late? I need to gauge on when to head over there.

I’m sorry but from what you’ve told me, it sounds like your band won’t fit in with the show’s ambience.

I’m a bit confused … you don’t want us to play?

I’m sorry but no thank you.

Your band won’t harmonize with the environment of the show.

Sorry and good luck!

I text her on the day of the show …

Hey it’s Pat.

Trying to find the coffee shop. Kind of lost. Where is this place?

You are welcome to come but we have all the music covered.

Ha, you’re joking right?

I drove 4 hours with a van full of instruments and amps.

We’re playing.

No

This is a very small craft/music gathering.

We never booked anything with you.

Too bad.

Rudy brought all the stuff to power the amps through the van and Garrett’s got a 30 minute solo he’s been working on for a week.

Shits gonna get wild!!!

No nothing is getting wild

I’m sorry but you’re not playing.

Oh we’re playing all right.

Even if we have to play in the parking lot next to your coffee shop.

You’re not playing.

Yes we are.

Sorry

No you’re not.

Trust me, baby. Everyone is gonna want an intermission from all your bluegrass craft-time bullshit.

Ok first of all, you’re an asshole.

Secondly, if you come here uninvited, I’m calling the cops.

Call them all you want.

They’ll probably want to rock out with us.

DO NOT COME HERE!

YOUR BAND WAS NEVER INVITED!

I’m done with this stupid conversation!

Woah lady chill out.

Sounds like you need a Xanax if you’re gonna enjoy the tranquility of Spring.

Go to hell!

Hi is this the person looking for a graphic designer?

Yes! Wow you’re quick.

We just put the ad up 30 minutes ago.

Well, in this biz the early bird gets the worm. Can you tell me a little bit about the project?

Sure, we need a logo for an Italian restaurant my husband and I are opening called Tomato Tomato.

It’s probably easier if we can talk on the phone, mind if I give you a ring?

That’s no good.

I’m at my current design job and I would be taking this on as a freelance job, so I can’t talk about other projects on company time. Sorry.

Ok, well feel free to call me after you leave work.

In the meantime do you have a website or some work online that I can take a look at?

Sure, I can text you a few recent projects, hold on one sec.

Great! Thanks!

This is one I finished a couple weeks ago …

That’s good.

No offense but has anyone ever told you that it’s sorta phallic?

No, what is that?

It kinda looks like a penis. lol.

I guess I can kinda see that?

I never noticed.

Here is one I’m really proud of. It’s for my friend Omar’s Hotdog kiosk in the mall …