Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (3 page)

Yes

Have you checked the cleanliness of the restroom recently?

Yes

I was there yesterday

I’m in here now.

It looks like someone asphyxiated your toilet with an amount of feces that would gag a large animal.

Ok I’ll have to go look. Sorry about that.

Also, it looks like somebody took your sign, wiped their ass, then replaced it to its original spot.

Can you alert the attendant working?

I informed the staff and he told me to “deal with it”.

You better make this right, Sebastian.

Of course

The bathroom will be dealt with immediately.

Can I get a free jerky or something?

I’m sorry

I do apologize for the experience but I can’t give you merchandise.

I can assure that the bathroom will be kept clean upon your next visit.

I text him 20 minutes later …

Sebastian!

I tried walking out of your gas station with 2 Slim Jims and a grape soda.

Your employee called the cops on me!

You stole them?

I told them you said I could take them

I told you NOT to take anything.

You said you would I make it right Sebastian!

And I believed you!

Oh God

You ask me to make it right and I apologized for your experience.

It’s your bad. Think before you commit a crime.

I was trying to help you do your job and now I’m going to jail.

Now I’ll probably have to go to community college and end up managing some shitty gas station in the middle of nowhere.

Hey go fuck yourself asshole

Sebastian! Make it right!

Sebastian?

Sebastian!?!?

I text him at 11pm …

Hello, are you still looking to buy big satellites?

Yes, but did you not read the ad??? I said no calls or text after 5pm!

I know. But I have a deal that I had to tell you about. It’s just way too good to pass up, man.

Ok? What you got?

My name is Nwabudike and I am a Nigerian prince. Please I would like to keep this proposal as a top-secret and delete if you are not interested and get back to me if you are interested for details as regards to the transfer of $24,500,500.00 US dollars. I seek your good assistance to invest these funds into a profitable investment in your country. During this dispensation please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of this transaction. Many thanks and blessing remains with you.

If you contact me again I’m calling the cops!

Is this the guy looking for a PT cruiser wheel?

Yes. Do you have a 7 spoke 16 inch cast aluminum?

Yeah, she does. How much you want it for?

Call me and we can talk about the price.

Sorry, I’m in class. I can only text.

How about $40?

Cool, that works. Do you know how to take off a tire?

Why?

Not trying to be a smart ass but I would pay 8 bucks not to mess with it.

It’s my grandma’s car.          

We’re gunna have to sneak into her garage and get it. I don’t know how to take a tire off cuz I’m only 15. I can’t even drive.

Your grandmas car?

Ya. She drives it like once a week. She will never know it’s gone.

You got a jack?

I aint stealing a wheel!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Stealing? Nobody said anything about stealing. Here’s how it’s gunna go down. I can take my grandmas garage door opener today after school, so I can get you in tonight. You pick me up, pay me the $40. Then you just go in and rip the tire off her car.

No

She’s an old lady. She’s asleep by 9 at the latest.

She won’t even know the tire is gone. Like I said, she drives like once a week.

Your an idiot

Coming from a guy that drives a PT Cruiser …

So, I used to be a private investigator. I should track you down and let your grandma know what a piece of shit you are.

So do you want the tire or not?

NO

How bout I get the tire off and you pay me $80?

Fuck off

Hi are you still looking for gift cards?

Yes what do u have

I have a lot. I just had my Bar Mitzvah last week and I have a bunch of gift cards I received as gifts. I have cards from all over.

Have walmart macys or target cards? how much r u looking to get?

I have a $100 Wal-Mart one. You want that?

Sure how much r u looking to get

Make me an offer.

I can do 65

Ok, I’m cool with $65 Deal?

Can u meet me downtown?

I’m only 13. I can’t drive. I can probably get my mom to drive.

if u can do that let me know

Ok, do we have a deal for $65?

yes

Cool, the card still has like 19 bucks on it. I only used it a couple times but the card is in great condition.

Huh?

Yeah, it had $100 but since I spent some of it, it now only has $19 left.

u mean the wal mart card has 19 bucks on it??

Yeah

What

That’s cool you’re paying me $65 for it.

I’ve heard of people collecting baseball and basketball cards, never met anyone into collecting gift cards.

You know any other collectors? I have tons of gift cards with only a few bucks left on them. (all in good condition, of course)

Ok, my mom said she can drive me, when do you wanna meet?

You there? Let’s make this happen.

no thanks

i dont collect fucking gift cards maybe u should go waste some one elses time

Maybe you should be more specific on your ad and say you’re not a collector. My mom is driving me over there at 3 after school and you better have the cash or she’s gonna be pissed because you’ll be an Indian giver.

Just do the right thing and pay me $65 for the gift card.

goodbye