Texts from Bennett (10 page)

HAS SEPARATION ANIETY

CALL TALLULAH, 913-###-####

Looking down the block, I could see that the same drawing was taped to every front door on the street. I sat on the couch reading it for twenty minutes, while a plan began to formulate in my head. With Bennett already finding a job, he was exhibiting to me that he was taking the situation seriously. I didn’t want to overload him with things to do, but if he could pull this off, maybe it would send a rush of money-making euphoria through him. It could really make him value financial compensation for his hard work. I sent him a text to explain.

ME:
Hey. I got a tip for you. A quick way to make $100.

BENNETT:
4 real ?

ME:
Yep.

BENNETT:
spit it out g

ME:
Someone just taped a flyer to the door. Some neighborhood cat is missing and there’s a reward if you find it.

ME:
I know you’re out looking for a job but if you found the cat, you could make some quick cash. $100

ME:
I understand if you don’t want to do it. I personally hate cats. No amount of money can make me want to deal with a missing cat.

BENNETT:
o. . . .so da cat is missen an shit ?

ME:
Yep. It’s a cat from the block my house is on.

BENNETT:
Ok by N E chants is his hole body brown ?

ME:
Nope, doesn’t look like it.

ME:
You want the description?

BENNETT:
chill hang on i mite not need it

BENNETT:
duz he got a big blacc circle around his eye ?

ME:
Uh. Actually yeah I think so.

BENNETT:
is he a lil white and blacc stripped muthafuka who cry like a lil bitch all day ?

ME:
Wtf. Yeah he is. How’d you know? Did you see the flyer?

BENNETT:
i snatcht it out da nieghbers yard 2day

ME:
I don’t understand what that last text meant.

ME:
I’m saying the cat is missing. You got the flyer from a neighbor’s yard? Like off a fence?

ME:
There’s a reward if you find this cat.

BENNETT:
nigga is ur IQ only 1400 or sumthin ? u dum or wat ?

BENNETT:
i alredy got da cat. . . .i took it from dat blond chix bacc yard

BENNETT:
it has sum fukin mental problams 2

ME:
What? I don’t understand.

BENNETT:
i kidnappd da lil kittin from dat chix yard

ME:
WHAT?!?!?!?!?! Who’s yard????

BENNETT:
i dont no her name..she drive dat dope ass B M W and has hair like Emanem all bleatched and shit

ME:
Dude, stop fucking with me.

BENNETT:
chill i aint gonna bring it in da house or nuthin . . . i wuz tryen to do sum bizness wit da cats earliar . i spent da mornin gittin a few

BENNETT:
i took em up to dat chinese restrant Bo Lings down da street and tride to sell em

ME:
????????????

ME:
PLEASE tell me you’re fucking with me.

BENNETT:
nah im 4 rill i walked up into Bo lings and said

BENNETT:
Excusse me how much can i get for deez lil muthafuccas?

BENNETT:
but they kicced me out . bitch said she wz gunna call da cops on me i wz like YO CHILL BITCH.

ME:
OMFG

BENNETT:
all da custamers wuz mean muggen me.i wuz like QUIT Haten, im jus a yung nigga tryn 2 git paid

I slumped over, burying my face into my lap and squeezing my head with my legs. I’m not even flexible enough to do that normally, but this was surreal.

ME:
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????

BENNETT:
why u care nigga i thot u hated cats ?

ME:
Oh no.

ME:
Where is the cat now? Take it back to her yard, dude! Seriously?!?!

BENNETT:
im rollen a blunt . i wanna get da cat high agan bcuz it just sat here fuckin whinninG all day. but da blunt made it stop goin waaaa waaaa

BENNETT:
i got em in a big cage i found at da creek.. wit a boll of water

ME:
Please don’t get the cat high. Please.

BENNETT:
2 late but itz all gud. 4 rill da cat is a much more plesant kitty now . da weed help it allot..

ME:
No! Man take the cat back!!!

I called him seven times back-to-back. No answer.

ME:
Hello? Why aren’t you answering my calls?

ME:
Please, man. You’re going to get me arrested or removed from my home!!!

ME:
Please, dude, take the cat back. And PLEASE don’t tell her you tried to sell it to a Chinese restaurant either. Just give it back to her.

BENNETT:
K

ME:
Wait a second. I just reread this text. You said cats. You stole more than ONE cat!??!

BENNETT:
ya i got 3 . but Yo! my nigga quit bein a lil bitch . i will take all da cats bacc to there yards

BENNETT:
i just gadda remember which yard da other 2 cats balong in.

ME:
Oh my god, Bennett. No, man. No no no.

BENNETT:
i gadda questin Do u think da lady at Bo lings wuz mad bcuz chinesse people eat dog and not cat ?

BENNETT:
did i affind her?

BENNETT:
did i get it wrong? dogs r cute as fucc who wud eat a dog?

BENNETT:
hello u their

I couldn’t speak to Bennett when he got home. Sans cat(s), I should add. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I just told him to go to the basement and sit there quietly. I obviously wasn’t going to tell Harper about this, even though she’s a dog person and doesn’t particularly care for cats. I’m a dog person too, though I actually like the concept of cats. They are independent and sleep all day.

I’ve been the owner of only two cats in my life. The first, Grizzabella, was a huge, twenty-five- to thirty-pound cat that I had for my entire childhood. She was unlike most cats. She was so fat that she could sit on her butt, lick one paw, and use the other paw to hold her tummy up while she bathed her underbelly. She died at age eighteen. So it goes. RIP, Grizzy.

The other cat I owned was named Droors. He was smashed by my garage door the first night I owned him. My mother found his corpse, leaking blood, oozing its soft viscera onto the cement garage floor. I was twelve and very sad. Grizzy, on the other hand, was stoked. I think she’s the one who pushed him under the door. So it goes.

Cats can be filthy, temperamental, and let’s be honest . . . weird. But in my opini—

Wait a second. Why the fuck am I even talking about cats? Regardless of whether I hate cats or not, trying to sell a cat to a Chinese restaurant is unacceptable and probably punishable by some law.

Mom, if you can hear me, please save us. Please.

•

Ironically, all that talk about Chinese food had made me hungry for some honey-walnut shrimp. So I decided to drive up to Bo Lings that night to get some carryout Chinese food. More important, I wanted to make sure the proprietors didn’t know that Bennett was related to me.

At first I was nervous. I have full tattoo sleeves and imagine most restaurateurs find me to be a little suspicious. So the staff immediately all begin staring at me, which freaked me out. But after standing there for a silent couple of seconds, everyone went back to work. The old lady with the limp, who runs the place with her husband, even smiled big and said, “Hello! Welcome to Bo Lings!”

I took a seat by the porcelain elephants and statues of old Chinese sages, with long beards and contemplative faces, while I waited for my order. My phone buzzed.

HARPER:
Something weird just happened.

ME:
What’s up?

HARPER:
You know our neighbor Tallulah? With the really blond hair?

HARPER:
The rich girl?

ME:
Yeah, the girl who lives kitty-cornered to us?

HARPER:
*catty-cornered

ME:
It’s kitty-cornered.

HARPER:
It’s caddy-cornered.

ME:
We’ve discussed this. I googled it. It’s kitty-cornered.

HARPER:
That doesn’t even make any sense. That’s like people who say crick instead of creek.

ME:
I agree that “crick” is the wrong way to pronounce it. However in this particular case the term is KITTY-CORNERED.

HARPER:
Wrong.

ME:
???

HARPER:
Wrong. It’s catty-cornered!

HARPER:
Don’t argue with me right now. Listen. She just randomly showed up here like 10 minutes ago.

ME:
Who did?

HARPER:
Tallulah.

HARPER:
She brought $200 and a tray of brownies over for Bennett. She said she’s so thankful that he risked his life by jumping in front of the truck and rescuing her cat.

HARPER:
 . . .

HARPER:
Hello? You there?

ME:
I know you just typed that, and I could easily reread it. But I need you to just . . . repeat yourself. Send that text again. I think I’m hallucinating.

HARPER:
You aren’t. She said Bennett jumped in front of a truck and saved her cat.

HARPER:
Apparently he also nursed it back to health and—

HARPER:
Get ready for this one..

HARPER:
Read it a story?????

HARPER:
So she brought over a tray of brownies. An envelope of $200. And a letter personally written to Bennett.

HARPER:
She had tears in her eyes. She said Bennett was an angel sent from heaven. She also said her cat Slugger was much more calm and that Bennett’s presence relaxed him.

ME:
What did Bennett say about it?

HARPER:
I haven’t showed him yet. I think he left on his bike, but he might be in the basement.

ME:
Don’t give it to him yet. I’ll be right there.

After receiving my bag of carryout food, I opened and read the fortune cookie that was sent with it:

I drove home with the food. Upon walking into the kitchen, Harper showed me the envelope and the tray of brownies. The bottom side of the tray felt warm, like she had just taken it out of the oven. I opened the letter and read it.

Dear Bennett,

Words can’t deserible how thankful I am that you rescued my slugger from the middle of the highway. He must have been so scared! He’s been purring all night, telling me how much of a hero you are. You are My hero too.

Here’s your $100 reward + a $100 donation for the dolphin benefit race you are running. It’s amazing that you care for endangered animals
enough to run 50 miles in the blistering African sun. I hope the brownies help fuel your training!

You are a beautiful neighbor. Congrats on buying the new house. Come over and say hi anytime, darling.

Kisses,

Tallulah

p.s You being single is a true crime.

913–302–****

ME:
Where are you? I just looked in the basement and you’re not here.

BENNETT:
im in line at da grocrey store and gotta stand wit my legs spread and rock side to side.. dis bitch in front of me think im tryin to dance wit her all creapy

ME:
Huh? Why are you standing like that?

BENNETT:
cuz i aint wipe my butt good enuff cuz i was in a hurry now it all oiley in my butt

BENNETT:
man dis sux.. dis bitch think i want her. she look like a vacum cleaner

God, I know he spells like a moron and constantly degrades women, but he still made me laugh almost every time we texted.

ME:
Why are you at the grocery store?

BENNETT:
im gittin sum condoms got a new girl im gunna try 2 git wit

ME:
Who?

BENNETT:
telula da bitch dat live by U

ME:
CAT GIRL?

BENNETT:
ya her

ME:
The girl you lied to? Who thinks you A. Own my house B. Rescued her cat from the middle of the highway and C. Are running a 50 mile run for dolphins in Africa?

BENNETT:
YA