That Dog Won't Hunt (Dearing Family Series) (15 page)

Sunday dawned five degrees cooler—a small but welcome relief from the heat. Jess and her family filled a whole church pew, Tamel sitting beside her. She hadn’t slept too well the previous night. She and Tamel had gone out for their drive (in his awful car that he’d
have
to get rid of), and ended up closing down a restaurant in Jackson with their second dessert of the evening. They’d talked and talked, Tamel admitting how much he wanted to get out of Justus, resume his life. Yet he felt guilty saying that because of his dad. He was doing the best he could, taking care of a father who hadn’t done all that much to take care of him. Jess felt terrible that she’d been so hard on Tamel. She had to admit he was doing a noble thing.

Once the reunion was over, they didn’t know when they’d see each other again. Memphis was only four hours away, but Tamel didn’t feel like he could leave his dad alone overnight, and Jess was so busy it was hard to get away, even for a weekend.

Somehow, they’d find a way.

In church she barely heard the sermon. She still couldn’t quite believe this was happening. Deep inside she’d known it
should,
but her independent spirit hadn’t allowed her to do anything about it. Even now, wanting Tamel, she still wanted her independence too. How was that supposed to work?

Meanwhile Ben and Christina sure looked happier. Ben had assured Jess they’d talked things out. Maybe. She still wasn’t betting a hundred percent on that relationship.

After church the family had a lunch of cob salad and fruit. The kids ate more hamburgers. Sarah and Jake could barely contain their excitement over leading everyone to The Family Photo site. “You’re gonna love it.” Jake poked Jess in the shoulder.

“No she won’t.” Sarah loaded salad on her plate. “She’ll be all ticked off about bein’ bested.”

Tamel was supposed to meet them at the site, serving as picture taker. Which meant he already knew where they’d be.

“Did Tamel give you this idea?” Jess asked Sarah for the fifth time.

“We found it all by ourselves,” Jake insisted.

Yeah, right.

After lunch everyone got fixed up to go. Jess chose a soft pink top and white shorts. Glitter sandals. Sarah and Maddy emerged in almost identical blue shirts. “Agh!” Maddy threw her hands up. She disappeared into her room to change.

“What do they care what they’re wearing?” Don asked Dad.

“Women and their pictures.” Dad shook his head.

Mama came downstairs in multi-colored blue and green. Her eyes sparkled. “This is gonna be fun.”

She’d been a lot more lighthearted since Ben and Christina got back together.

Dad grinned at her and did his look-right-look-left thing. Mama scrunched her nose at him and smiled back.

Ben and Christina sat on the couch, Penny perched on Christina’s lap. Christina looked great in a turquoise top that matched her eyes. The Yorkie knew something was up, the way people were milling around. Of course, she would be in the picture too.

“All right, everybody here?” Jake stood in the middle of the family room, his fancy camera hanging around his neck. “Time to go.”

“Where are we goin’?” Jess and Mama asked at once.

“Just follow us.” Jake arched his hand through the air like some Pied Piper.

“We’d better not be climbin’ another tree.” Maddy put her hands on her hips.

“It’s way better than that.” Jake looked mighty sure of himself.

They all marched out to the garage. Jess crowded into the backseat of her parents’ car along with Christina, Ben, and Lady Penelope. Jake, Sarah, and their two kids took off down the road, leading the procession. Maddy, Don, and Alex were next. Jess’s dad backed out of the garage and followed, bringing up the rear. They drove through Justus, past the downtown block, and on up Highway Forty-Nine toward Jackson. Jake had told them the place was about five minutes outside town.

Penny scurried from Christina’s lap to Ben’s. She put her paws on the door and watched out the window.

Ben had a tight hold on Christina’s hand as if he never wanted to let go. He leaned toward the front seat. “Guess what we’re talkin’ about at supper tonight.” He winked at Christina. She gave him a shy smile.

“What’s that, Son?” Dad flicked a look in the rear view mirror.

“The wedding date!” Ben waggled his torso, obviously pleased with himself.

“Really?” Mama looked over her shoulder. “That’s wonderful! When were you thinkin’?”

“Sooner the better.” Ben grinned.

And just why wasn’t Christina in on this conversation? Jess turned to look her in the eye. “You’re awful quiet about all this.”

Ben squeezed his fiancée’s hand. “She’s just a little—”

“I’m not talking to you.”

Christina took a breath. “I’m just … overwhelmed.”

Was there a happy in there somewhere?

“Well, don’t worry about it now.” Ben waved his free hand above Penny’s head. “We’ll figure it out at supper.”

All righty then.

Jess let the subject drop and focused on the cars ahead. After a moment Jake turned left off the highway.

“Oh, no.” She made a face. “Tell me we’re not goin’ to Crazy Eddie’s house.”

“Crazy Eddie?” Christina mouthed.

“He’s a buck-toothed old man with a perpetual garage sale.” Just as Jess spotted Crazy Eddie’s dumpy-looking property ahead, they started to slow. She closed her eyes. “Oh, man.” No telling what she’d get on her pretty sandals, walking around that guy’s place.

Jake turned left into the long gravel driveway. Drove up parallel to the rickety red barn and stopped. Crazy Eddie loped out his front door, grinning to beat the band.

“I just know Tamel did this.” Jess lasered the cluttered yard with her eyes. “Traitor.”

They rolled up the driveway and stopped. With a huge sigh, she got out of the car. Christina slid out behind her. Ben carried Penny.

Up the road came Chiquita Banana. Jess faced Tamel’s beastly car, arms folded. He turned into the driveway and slid from the driver’s seat, all smiles. “You did this!” Jess pointed at him.

Tamel halted and placed a flat hand against his chest—
Moi?

Swiveling away from Tamel, Jess scanned Crazy Eddie’s yard. The man was already talking a mile a minute, shaking hands with her dad, Jake, and Don. The yard was littered with old couches and chairs, a rusting stove, two worn saddles, an iron bed frame, and who knew what all else. Not one thing worthy of the Dearing Family Photo.

“Thank y’all for comin!” Crazy Eddie stood with his bowed legs wide apart, skinny arms waving like a snake oil salesman. He had a reedy voice from years of smoking. What was left of his gray hair stuck out in all directions, including from his ears. “Hope you’ll look around, see somethin’ to take home whilst yer here.”

Uh-huh. One thing Jess knew about Crazy Eddie. They weren’t taking this picture for free.

Tamel sidled up to Jess. She threw him an I-know-you’re-in-on-this glance. “How much did Jake pay him for this?” Whatever it was, it was too much.

“How should I know?”

“You know.”

“Don’t either.”

“Do too.”

“Do not.”

Jess flicked a look at the sky.

The three kids milled around, their mouths open. Alex wore a grossed-out look on her little face. Mama walked up close to Ben, staring at the yard with a nonplussed expression. Lady Penelope scrambled from Ben’s arms to hers and clung to her chest. Jess could practically hear her panicked doggie thoughts.
Please don’t put me down in all this mess!

“Okay.” Dad looked around. “Where we goin’, Jake?”

“Other side of the barn.”

Have mercy, there was
more
over there?

They all traipsed around, the kids running ahead. Christina held tightly to Ben’s hand. Tamel tried to hold Jess’s, but she swatted him away. “Huh-uh, you traitor.”

“You know you love me.” He stuck his dimpled face in hers, grinning.

One of these days she was gonna throttle him.

The kids rounded the barn first. The girls started screaming. Pogey howled like a hyena.

Mama halted at the edge of the barn and jerked up both arms. “Oh, no.” She started laughing.

What in the world? Jess picked up speed, Tamel beside her. She skidded around the dilapidated corner—and saw six old toilets in a row. Two blue, one pink, two white, and one a hideous green. They sat close to one another, the faded wooden slats of Crazy Eddie’s barn as a backdrop.

Christina and Ben came up beside Jess, Christina’s eyes rounding. “Aw-haw.” Ben raised his eyebrows. “That’s
great
.”

“Ain’t they beauties!” Crazy Eddie spread his arms wide.

Don leaned back and guffawed. “Where’d you get ’em?”

“Oh, here and there. They’s all fer sale, ever one. Need to fix up a bathroom er two?” Crazy Eddie turned to Mama. “How ’bout you, Little Lady?”

She shook her head. “Not today.”

Maddy gazed at the scene as if she suddenly longed to climb a tree. “What are we supposed to do with those things?”

“Sit on ’em, of course.” Jake took the camera from around his neck and handed it to Tamel.

Maddy made a face. “Lids stayin’ down, I hope.”

“Nope, lids up, pants down.”

Crazy Eddie cackled like a wet hen. Everyone else but Maddy dissolved in laughter. Even Jess couldn’t help herself. Tamel held his sides. Don pointed at his wife. “Didja see her face?”

“Ha-ha.” Maddy threw him a look to kill. “You better be careful, mister. I walk softly and carry a big brick.”

Sarah giggled harder. “Stick, Maddy, stick!”

“Oh,
whatever.”
Maddy stomped away from the toilets.

Crazy Eddie bent over, then hit the ground, laughing until he wheezed.

It took some time for everyone to recover.

“Oh, boy.” Jake wiped his forehead. “Okay, let’s get settled.” He moved front and center of the line-up. “Oldest to youngest.” He pointed to the blue toilet at the left end. “Sy, you sit down first, Mama on your lap. She can hold Penny. Sarah and I go second.” They’d be on one of the white ones. “Maddy and Don, you next.” That would be the ratty green potty. “Jess, you’re next, then Ben and Christina.” On blue and white. “And the final pink one’s for the kids.”

Pogey looked more than indignant. “I am
not
sittin’ on a toilet with two girls!”

“I’m not sittin’ with him, either.” Alex put on her best frown.

“How ’bout we pose as families?” Dad said. “Lacey, you can be on your mama’s lap. Pogey, you stand beside ’em.”

Jake thought that one over. “Who takes the last toilet?”

“Lady Penelope.” Mama held up the Yorkie.

“She’ll never sit by herself,” Ben said.

“Well, we can give it a try.” Mama handed Penny to Christina. “Here, you hold her till the last second. Then set her down, see what happens.”

Bodies milled about, getting settled. Jess sat down on her closed toilet, feeling conspicuously alone. She leaned toward Christina. “If Penny doesn’t stay by herself, I’ll hold her.”

Tamel stood back, readying the camera. Now and then Crazy Eddie squawked a direction to somebody. “You, there, that’s good … you need to sit forward a little.”

Man was probably getting paid by the minute.

“Okay, girls.” Jake spoke from behind Sarah’s back. “Climb on up on your mama’s laps.”

The girls scrambled up. Pogey stood at the back of his family’s toilet, one hand on his father’s shoulder.

“Lookin’ good.” Tamel eyed them keenly. “Final places. Men, lean left. Women, lean right. Kids, sit straight.” He watched as everyone followed his commands.

“Ouch,” Maddy protested to Alex. “You kicked me.”

“Well, don’t hold me so hard.” Alex frowned and wiggled.

“Okay, everybody, hold it, hold it.” Tamel eyed them all again, Crazy Eddie by his side. “What do you think, Ed?”

“Looks to me like the family’s goin’ to pot.”

Jess threw back her head and hooted. Sarah giggled so hard she dropped Lacey, then fell off her husband’s lap. Mama and Dad started in, and soon the whole scene fell apart, people off their toilets. Even Christina laughed. Crazy Eddie trotted around howling like he’d just said the world’s biggest joke.

Nobody settled down until they ran out of air. Jess’s sides hurt.

“Okay, okay.” Tamel was still chuckling. “Let’s try this again.”

Mama climbed back on Dad’s lap. “It’s
hard
keepin’ this family in line.”

“Sure is,” Dad said.

“But we manage somehow, don’t we?” Mama smiled at him over her shoulder.

“With God’s grace, Ruthie. With God’s grace.”

“Okay, we’re almost there.” Tamel raised the camera. “Christina, put Penny down.”

Christina obeyed. Jess leaned around her and Ben to watch. Lady Penelope turned in circles three times on the closed toilet lid. Then, with an air of abundant resignation, she gave the rest of the family a disdainful glance—and sat.

“Perfect,” Tamel crowed. “Here, Penny, look here.” He shuffled an inch to his right.

Amazingly, the Yorkie faced him.

“Hold it!”

Jess smiled.

Tamel took the shot, and the shutter clicked. Jess imagined the photo, everyone perched on their toilets, looking as regal as a Dearing could.

Tamel checked the photo on the camera. “All right, it looks great. Let’s take a few more for good measure.” He clicked off a second shot. Moved a few people this way and that an inch or two, then took a third. After a fourth and fifth, he seemed satisfied.

“Can I get up now?” Alex whined.

“Wait a minute.” Crazy Eddie reached for the camera. “Let me take one, Tamel. You should be in the picture.”

Tamel pointed to himself—
me?

Crazy Eddie winked at him. “Don’t act so innocent. I know where you belong.”