That Takes Ovaries! (2 page)

That Takes Ovaries!
places all its stories, from the seemingly frivolous to the obviously political, under the single umbrella of a larger philosophy: freedom and empowerment. What’s the link between the woman who boldly fights for social justice and the one who boldly has fun? Both are acting powerfully, because each is rejecting preconceived notions of how females “should” behave. Each storyteller is irreverently saying, “No way I’m accepting limits placed on me!”

I had a party one night. The guests were more acquaintances than good friends. During the evening a man told a story about a woman who had done a totally brazen thing (though now I can’t remember what). When he finished, I casually remarked, “Well, that took ovaries.” The roomful of people fell silent, and then they burst out laughing, exclaiming “Great phrase!” I was surprised. I’d used the saying often enough in the past, around my buddies, and gotten back only nods, grins, or “Amen to that.” This time, using the expression with the general public, I saw its power.

This phrase
is
great,
I thought after my guests left. Not just fun and funny, it challenged the myth of the passive female—and that made it political. Even more, the phrase reflected a key sentiment behind the latest rising wave of young feminists (the Guerilla Girls, Riot Grrrl, Third Wave, and girls’ movements), that is, the attitude of playful brazenness in the push for gender equality.

Besides all that, I concluded as I flossed before bed, “that takes ovaries” would make a great book title!

By the time I climbed under the covers, I had decided to assemble a collection of ovarian acts where women and girls take charge, and maybe even have fun. I hoped my book-to-be could add to those already coming out that are a platform for girls’ vibrant voices and a celebration of womanly resilience. I envisioned a book that would excite women and men of all ages who want to see their sisters, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and friends leading empowered lives; mothers and fathers who care about their daughters growing up self-assured and confident; and girls eager to be a part of the growing “girl power” movement.
That Takes Ovaries!
would be for everyone interested in challenging a culture still wrought with inequality and double standards—everyone hungry for unabashedly powerful females.

The day after my party I whipped up a “call for stories.” I emailed the notice to friends and a few listservs (e-mail discussion groups).

Soon my e-mail in-box was full. Not only with cool, gutsy-gal submissions, but also with notes from women and men around the country saying they loved the idea of the book and asking when they could buy it. Apparently the phrase had struck a
chord. When women got the e-notice, they were so tickled they promptly sent it to their girlfriends; my call for stories became a popular forwarding item. Before long I was seeing it
sent back to me
via a number of women’s listservs and e-newsletters to which I subscribed but had not sent the notice. In the end, three hundred stories came in and thousands of women on the Web considered, at least for a moment, their own bravery and brazenness.

What does it mean to
have ovaries?
If I was going to edit this book, I’d need a definition.

First, I tried to define the male equivalent:
having balls. That takes balls,
I surmised, is what you say about a man who has done something rather fearless, a guy we might envy for having the confidence to push the boundaries or break the rules. Actually, I thought, these were great characteristics for
any
person to have … but they’d be especially helpful to a woman. She’d need just these traits to live fully in a world that often tries to limit her. So even as I kept an open mind regarding defining
ovaries,
I also kept this
balls
description in the back of my head. Then I set about reading the stories. With each one, I gained a clearer picture of what
other
women thought the expression
that takes ovaries
meant. I merged the contributors’ ideas with my own until I reached a working definition.

Something
takes ovaries,
I concluded, when it is
bold, gutsy, brazen, outrageous, audacious, courageous,
or
in-your-face.
Combined, this string of words encompasses the spectrum of what
having ovaries
is about. (For more ovarian synonyms, see the beginning of this book. Just reading it, your inner bite-me grrl grows stronger.)
Having ovaries
is a catchall phrase. It includes smart, brave, altruistic acts and silly, shocking, impulsive ones. So, it seems, having ovaries isn’t that far from the definition of having balls—except that we are female.

By adapting the phrase
that takes balls
to
that takes ovaries,
we end the myth that equates only the male sex organ with innate power and fearlessness. By adapting the phrase, we claim our inherent strength and courage, too. Hell, we’ve been acting on our strength all along; the only new thing is that now we have a cool expression we can use to brag about it.

The predominant culture may try to socialize girls into believing femaleness and femininity equals not-as-powerful, not-as-bold. (Even common put-downs targeted at guys who act less than macho instill this idea:
You have no balls; Don’t be such a girl;
and plain old
pussy
—simultaneously the slang for female genitalia and an insult.) It’s so pervasive, no wonder some girls have to fight to keep from internalizing the notion that being female means being
less than.

But the stories I collected show women and girls
are
actively fighting this view of themselves. In fact, the stories illustrate that for many contributors to this book,
having ovaries
specifically means having the courage to confront externally defined notions of what a woman is. Many of the stories are about defying the dominant culture’s preconceived idea of “femininity”—passive, pleasing, docile, cautious, dependent, either quiet or hysterical, irrational, dumb, always-nice-never-angry, and incapable of self-defense. Yes, women can be those things, too. After all, we are human and reserve our right to be hysterical when we want (so there!). But the stories in this book show that females—the beings who personify
real
femininity—are more than what others tell them they are. They are loudly and proudly whoever and whatever they want to be.

In that same vein, coining the phrase
having ovaries
doesn’t mean women aim to mimic men who
have balls.
In fact, this would be difficult to achieve even if they wanted to. Everything happens within a context, and ours is a culture that imposes different roles and conditioning on boys than on girls. When trained-to-be-confident men, who already hold much of the power in society, act “overconfident” or “reckless” (connotations of
ballsy
), some onlookers may feel a tinge of trepidation
and think, “This could be a scary thing.” When trained-to-be-cautious women act “overconfident,” yes, it could be a scary thing, too, but more likely it would be a breath of fresh air, as in: “Ah, finally, a woman who feels she has an equal right to be in charge.” And if a woman acts “reckless,” it would probably be along the lines of breaking the rules that have kept her down for millennia—like the conditioning that stops her from fighting back when assaulted.

Even in a quest to be an assertive Woman of Ovaries, it is unlikely a woman would permanently give up her loving, gentle side, even if she abandons it temporarily. Certainly, losing this side would be undesirable. But be warned—and get ready to cheer!—because some of the women in this book do indeed temporarily abandon their niceness.

An additional note regarding defining
ovaries:
In the context of this book,
having ovaries
isn’t about possessing certain sex organs or chromosomes. It’s about being female-identified and possessing a certain Attitude (with a capital
A
). All types of women and girls are welcome here, including females born without ovaries, those who’ve had ovaries removed, those who acquired new plumbing via medical intervention, and intersexed and transgendered folk who identify, or who have ever identified, as women.

A final comment on terms: When I use “women and girls” and “we” in this book, I do so fully aware and appreciative of both the differences and similarities present in the vast group of people who identify as female. Women’s cultural diversity is to be treasured, and uniformity is not the goal. However, building coalitions amid female diversity and acknowledging commonality makes women more effective in organizing for mutual interests: chief among them, that every woman and girl be free to live her life to her fullest potential.

Meanwhile each female is a unique individual, and not all females receive the same socialization. Only by listening to one another’s experiences and stories do we learn about the multiple messages each girl gets about how a female “should” act in her particular family and racial, cultural, or economic community. Only then do we understand the complexity of how each community teaches its females to be strong in certain ways but to acquiesce in others. A girl may be encouraged to be opinionated … until a guy walks into the room. Or perhaps she’s raised to be powerful … yet tolerant of her boyfriend’s hitting her. Maybe she is taught by her community to be defiant … but to put up with things that an empowered woman surely wouldn’t—from smiling (instead of talking back) when harassed to stifling dreams and desires to not being proud of who she is.

Even if a girl is raised by her family to be assertive, as soon as she steps out the door, or turns on the TV, she is bombarded with the mainstream’s definition of femininity. Besides the fact that it’s hard to resist the predominant culture, a girl could be punished for trying. Her assertiveness, though encouraged at home, might be labeled “loud, aggressive, bitchy” once outside.

And there is one thing many subcultures and the dominant culture have in common: a tolerance of high levels of physical and sexual abuse against women. Most cultures view as normal a variety of offenses, from women being afraid to walk alone at night to a media industry that makes a fortune turning sexual harassment and sexual violence into entertainment.

So although different cultural groups’ messages may dominate at different times, in the end most girls are repeatedly told to tolerate a devaluing of themselves.

Good thing so many girls don’t do as they’re told!

There are so many ways to be female—and this book embraces them. The contributors identify (sometimes in their stories, sometimes not) as African-American, Asian-American, Caucasian, Jewish, Latina, Middle Eastern, Native American, bilingual, bicultural, mixed race, heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, workingclass, middle-class, and upper-class, mother, childless, single, coupled, polyamorous, able-bodied, living with a disability, child, teen, adult, and elder. Most are from the United States, but this book also includes contributors from Africa, Asia, Europe, Latin America, and the Middle East. A third of them are professional writers, folks who carefully crafted their submissions. But the majority are not. Many got the “call for stories” electronically forwarded from a pal and then hastily e-mailed their true tales to me on what I’d call a
well-thought-out whim.
Their narratives included much of the informality that comes with the medium of e-mail, and the wholesome rawness found in unpolished, authentic experience. It was both a pleasure and a challenge to edit them.

The stories in this book are dramatically written but true. All dialogue and description are recounted to the best of the writer’s recollection. To protect the innocent, and guilty, a few changed their own or others’ names.

Many of the contributors’ stories are about women and girls taking command of a situation. A number are model-citizen or social justice acts that others might like to emulate. But I would not encourage the reader to undertake all the deeds detailed here. In fact, not every contributor to this book would necessarily condone all the acts in it. Likely, some contributors, and some readers, will disapprove of the audacious, sexual, or acting-on-anger stories. And why shouldn’t they? Women are not a monolithic group. They are diverse, with diverse opinions, values, and aspirations.

Yet, at the same time, I’ll bet the acts not seen initially as rolemodel material will still be considered models of a sort by some.
Though the contributor might not encourage others to replicate her particular deed, readers might find themselves cheering her on nonetheless. After all, she has the nerve to walk through her fear, the gumption to go outside her own self-imposed limits, and the confidence to reject our culture’s restrictive notions of what a female can do. She is taking action.

On the other hand, some readers may feel she has crossed the line. But the book is supposed to be about that, too: women and girls being a little impulsive and crazy—a little Thelma and Louise-ish. So some of the contributors are wild and impetuous. They abandon common sense, civility, or caution as they stand up for themselves, defend loved ones (or strangers), express anger, or risk their lives for a dream, a political statement, or plain ole fun. Well, who says you don’t need ovaries for those things, too?

There were two possible ways to introduce the three hundred stories I received for this book: One, ignore the fact that twothirds were tales of women standing up to men trying to hurt them. Two, acknowledge it.