That Was Then... (21 page)
Authors: Melody Carlson
Dear Kim,
If you are reading this letter, I must be gone. To say that I know how you feel is rather presumptuous on my part, but I do remember how I felt when I lost my mother so many years ago. It’s something you never forget. And although I am tired and my body is failing me now, I would give anything to stay here with you—to watch you graduate from high school (with honors!) and then college (with even more honors!) and to see you launched into some impressive career (probably with even more honors!) and then one day to see you walk down the aisle with your true love and then later on to bounce a grandbaby on my knee. Oh, what I would give to be there with you for all those events.
Sweet Kim, you have been the most
precious gift in my life. When I realized that I was unable to bear children, I believed that God had another plan. And He did! I will never forget the day we picked you up at the orphanage in Seoul. You were only four months old, but you were already sitting up—and those big dark eyes were so alert, so wise! We knew from the start that you were a special child. I instantly fell in love with you, sweetheart. And my love for you has only grown over the years.
I’m sorry that I can’t physically be with you anymore. But I have this deep sense, this blessed assurance, that I’ll be able to check in on you from time to time—like when you graduate or marry or have children…Goodness, it wouldn’t be heaven if I were cut off from my two loved ones permanently, now would it? So please know that although I am away, I am still here. My love for you will go on forever. And eventually we will all be together again. I believe that with my whole heart. In the meantime, we will just do our best, won’t we? And knowing you, my Kim, you will do better than your best—you always do.
Now here is my final wish for you, sweetheart. It’s something I’ve never really put into words but have always wanted to say: Take time to breathe, to feel the sun on your head, to smell the roses, and to laugh. You’ve
always been a serious girl, but don’t forget to have fun, to appreciate the goodness all around you, and to hear the birds singing in the trees. Those are all God’s gifts to you, and I want you to enjoy them—and to enjoy the wonderful life that is stretched out before you! And when you do those things, my sweet daughter, remember me!
Love always and forever,
Mom
Maya has been here almost a month now, and I’m amazed at how well it’s going. Oh, she’s still Maya with all her funny hang-ups and California ways. But I can tell that she’s softening up some too. She actually goes to youth group with me, and she even asks some pretty intelligent questions. Well, along with some slightly embarrassing ones. Like the time she really got into the whole Adam and Eve thing by asking how their kids reproduced without committing incest if there weren’t any other people around. Although, I must say, Josh handled it quite well.
And today, for the first time, she went to church with me. And she even said that she agreed with “some of the sermon.” I told her I thought she was a searcher. And she agreed. Okay, I didn’t tell her that I’m pretty sure she’s searching for God. But I think it’s true. And as
much as I want her to find Him, I’m not pushing her. However, I am praying.
She’s had a few short yet emotional conversations with her mom. It sounds like Shannon’s going to be locked up for some time. Maya was right about the charges (possession and selling narcotics as well as a few other things), and as a result, Shannon’s bail is set pretty high, and no one has stepped up to fork over the cash yet. I know we’re not going to do it. Dad said that as much as he cares about Shannon, he isn’t willing to risk my college savings for her.
Maya says their house has been refinanced so many times that the bank has probably already taken possession. I’m thinking it might be for the best for Shannon to spend some time in jail. It might give her time to think about stuff and maybe even get clean. Although I’ve heard that some people can still get drugs while incarcerated.
Anyway, it looks like Maya’s going to be here for a while. And she’s already signed up to take some remedial summer classes so she can enter school as a junior in the fall. Lucky for her, she’s really smart, and despite her raggedy homeschool records, she’s quickly getting up to speed. It’s encouraging to see her determination. It’s also fun to see that she has something she really loves doing: art. And it turns out she’s quite an artist. She’s already hooked up with the art department and gotten herself on the waiting list for a summer art program where kids get to paint murals on public
buildings. I’m hoping and praying that she’ll get to do it. I even told her a little about Matt and his interest in art and some of the things he got to do.
“Matt, your boyfriend?” she asks quickly.
“I’m surprised you even remember him.”
“I met him at the funeral.” She grins. “I thought he was pretty cute. Why’d you guys break up anyway?”
I give her the short version.
“Too bad,” she says.
“No, actually it was good. I was ready to move on by then.”
And as I record this in my diary, I’m amazed that I no longer feel the slightest twinge of regret over Matt. It’s like that was then and this is now, and I’m so over him. And I realize that although I did care about him and I really liked him, he was never the love of my life. I was never really in love—not in that big way, the way I hope to be someday when the timing is right and the guy is Mr. Right. This thought makes me feel happy inside.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. And, okay, it wasn’t easy. Dad and I had already decided to go put flowers on Mom’s grave to honor her. We invited Maya to come, but she said she had homework, plus she thought it would be better if just the two of us went. And I really respect her for that. Dad took a dozen red roses, which seemed appropriate. And I took a small bouquet from
the little flower bed I’ve been taking care of in front of our house. I still remember when Mom and I planted flowers there last year. It looks even better this year. I think she’d like that.
“We’re getting past this, Kimmy,” my dad said as we got back into the car.
“I know,” I told him. Even so, there was a lump in my throat.
He reached over and squeezed my arm. “But we’ll never forget her.”
I nodded. A single tear streaked down my cheek.
I graduated from high school last night. It’s over and done with and like so yesterday now, but it was so cool. No one seemed terribly surprised when I was named as valedictorian. Although I think I was. I mean, I knew it was fairly likely and I was hoping for it, but like so many other things in life, you just never really know until it happens. So I guess I was relieved.
I sweated over my speech, writing and rewriting it until it sounded phony even to me. Finally, I just tossed it and decided to wing it. Of course, as the moment drew closer and I could see the packed-out auditorium, I realized that I would soon be in the spotlight, and well, I almost had a full-blown panic attack. “Just breathe,” I told myself as my heart threatened to leap from my chest. Finally, I prayed. “God, give me the words. Please,
give me the words that will encourage everyone—mostly the kids in my class. Give me the words.”
And, okay, I can’t remember exactly what I said since I was so scared, but I’ll do my best to put it down here.
“Friends, family, faculty, and fellow graduates,” I began with confidence. Sure, that part came easy since I’d written it down at least a dozen times. “I’m really honored to be standing before you tonight.”
Then I paused and really looked out over the sea of faces from my class looking up at me. “And one of the reasons I’m so honored is because I know you guys. I’ve gone to school with some of you for twelve years or more. And over the years I’ve come to really love and respect and care about you.”
I paused again. “Okay, some of you who know me might be thinking that I haven’t always been like that. And I have to admit it’s true. There have been times when I didn’t really want to know you, times when I made quick judgments about you, or times when I took you for granted.”
I slowly shook my head. “And I am so sorry for that now. In the past year, I’ve come to realize how much each and every one of you has to offer. And I’ve really started to appreciate all of you. And now that it’s time to say good-bye, I see how unique and interesting and fun you guys are. And I’m starting to understand how much I’m going to miss you. And that makes me sad. Really sad.”
I think my voice even cracked about then. “But it’s a
good kind of sadness, a sadness that’s the by-product of loving people, caring about them so much that you value them and realize that their absence will leave a small hole in your life. But it’s a good hole.”
I smiled then. “It’s like the way that I feel when I remember my mom.” I paused again, almost unsure of where I was going with all this. “But this is a time of looking forward,” I said quickly. “A time of great expectations, a time for embarking on new adventures, a time of stepping into a new life. And if there is one bit of encouragement that I can leave with you tonight, this would be it: Don’t do it alone. Do not go by yourself. God designed us to need each other. He made us with the ability to give and receive.”
I looked around the room. “So as you go through life, take the hand of someone and let someone take you by the hand. Be a friend and allow yourself to be befriended. Because when it’s all said and done, when we’ve finished our adventures, after we’ve lived our lives—it won’t be our accomplishments or the things we’ve acquired that we’ll remember. It will be the people, our dear friends and loved ones, who will stand out in our memories.
“So, I thank you guys,” I said finally. “Thank you for being a part of my life, for being a part of my memories. God bless all of you!”
And then I waved good-bye and stepped away from the podium. Tears blurred my eyes as I returned to my seat, and I got this very distinct feeling that my mom
was watching this whole thing—that she was up there in heaven just clapping and cheering for me. And I felt pretty sure that I’d made her proud, and God willing, I would continue to make her proud.
Then we all took turns marching up to the stage where we received our diplomas and handshakes, and to my personal relief, Spencer didn’t turn around and moon the spectators like he’d threatened to do earlier this week.
“That was a great speech,” Nat told me after the ceremony finally ended and a few of us gathered in a circle to congratulate each other.
“Yeah,” said Chloe. “Even though I graduated early, I still felt like it was for me too.”
“What you said about needing friends was awesome,” said Cesar.
“So true,” echoed Allie. “We’d be lost without friends.”
Then about a dozen of us huddled together in a somewhat sloppy group hug before we all threw our graduation caps up into the air and shouted out, “God bless the class of 2006!”
And for the most part, I think that God has already blessed us. Oh, I know that some kids, especially ones like Spencer and Marissa, are still a little confused about life and God and things that really matter. But I also think some important seeds have been planted during the past few years. And I have no doubt that those seeds will start to sprout when the timing is right.
Because one thing I know for sure—God is the master of the impossible. He can do anything! And as I prepare for the next stage of my life, I look forward with happy anticipation to whatever comes next! It’s gotta be good!
- Kim underwent something of a spiritual awakening in
Falling Up
(the previous book). How do you think that impacted her life in this story? - To start out, Natalie is determined to marry Ben and keep her baby, but Kim is feeling pretty freaked. How would you handle this if you were Nat’s best friend?
- There are early signs of trouble in Nat and Ben’s marriage. Why do you think they were having such a struggle? What could they have done differently?
- Do you think Kim was right to tell Josh and Caitlin about what was going on with Nat and Ben? Or was it just gossip? Explain.
- How do you think Natalie felt after realizing that her marriage wasn’t going to work? What would you have said to her if you were her friend?
- Kim was strongly supportive of adoption for Nat’s baby. How do you feel about this? Is adoption always the best option? Why or why not?
- Why do you think Nat’s mom was being so negative and unsupportive? How did you feel about the role she played in her daughter’s life?
- Were you surprised by Kim’s reaction to the first communication she received from her birth mother? How would you feel if you were Kim?
- Do you think it was important for Kim to actually meet her birth mother? Why or why not?
- Kim’s graduation speech focused on how vital friends were in her life. Do you agree with that about your own life? Why or why not?
- Kim felt confident about her future. Why do you think that is? How do you feel about your own future? Explain.
