That's a Promise (22 page)

“I haven’t been able to read the rest of the letters, but I was able to read the letter from this past February,” he says, his voice hoarse from the raw emotions he is feeling. “He didn’t go into too much detail about what has been going on with you this past year, but he thought it was important for me to know that you were going through something even worse than what Blake had put you through.

“You know how much he loved Blake. He was disappointed in him, but he always told me he understood, and that we needed to hear him out and give him another chance. He told me you had your own secret, but didn’t tell me what it was. He
did
tell me that it was important for me to tell you about something that happened between me and him years ago. He said it would help you make a decision that may be really hard for you. He didn’t tell you this earlier, because he knew it was my story to share with you.”

I try to prepare myself for what he is about to tell me. It must be important if Daddy wrote it in a letter meant to express his love for my dad. I can’t think of anything that would make my secret any easier to tell, so I wait patiently for Dad to start talking. He lets out a long sigh before he starts talking again.

“When you were about four years old, I cheated on Will,” he says, not meeting my eyes. Shock doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel after hearing his confession. I can’t even formulate a response, so I just sit there, drumming my fingers on my knee.

“I won’t make any excuses that will in any way make up for what I did to him. We were going through a really rough period in our life. I was trying to establish a business, and I was getting increasingly frustrated that I couldn’t get a loan for my own building. I had you and Will to take care of, and I think that the pressure started to eat away at me. I went out at night, telling Will that I was trying to figure out some business stuff. He knew I was lying, but he always just told me he loved me, and let me go. I would drink at the local bar, and I would come home drunk. There was no way he missed that, but he was always there for me when I got back.

“One time when I was out, a guy came up to the seat next to me, and started talking to me. It felt good to be able to talk about my life without having to try to act strong. I didn’t have to feel embarrassed that sometimes I hated having to be the one to take care of the family. I won’t give you any more details, but he was the one I slept with. It was the one time, but that one time was all it took for me to feel sick and disgusted with myself,” he pauses for a moment, in order to gather his thoughts. I feel a little sick, and am glad he won’t be giving me any more details. I still don’t understand why this will help my decision to come clean about what I have been going through, though.

“What happened?” I ask quietly.

“Well, Will and I started to get more distant. I felt so guilty, I could barely look at him. It was hard because I could see how much he loved me every time he kissed me goodbye, and every time he put dinner on the table. I stopped going out to the bar to drink, but I still distanced myself at home. One night, we were in bed, and I asked him if he would rather be blissfully unaware of the truth or secrets from someone you cared about or to know the truth. He took a few minutes to think about it, and turned over to me and told me seriously, ‘I would want to know the truth…And I will tell you why. I would want to know, because there is no way to fix or improve any relationship without the truth. There would always be some kind of block holding back a better future.’ So I asked him if he felt that way even if it meant hurting the person you loved immensely, and he said that he still would want to know.

“I think he knew I was going to tell him something bad as soon as he saw me crying. I broke down and told him everything while he laid there listening. He listened as I told him about all my fears, my cheating, and the disgust I felt for myself. When I was finished, he couldn’t look at me. He told me he respected that I told him, but he couldn’t be near me. He slept in your room for two weeks. I always left the bed open for him and slept on the couch, but I don’t think he could bear to be in a place that signified our love and commitment to each other.

“The reason he wanted me to tell you that, is because he thought you should know that he needed to hear me tell him what I did to him. He came to me when he was ready, and we worked on our relationship. We became stronger and even more committed after that. It was hard, Josie. I knew there was a big chance I could lose him forever, but he was right. There would never have been any way for us to ever be truly happy if I hadn’t told him the truth.”

I take a moment to mull over what he’s been trying to convey to me. I’ve always known that Blake deserved to know what happened, but I don’t see how telling him something that could make him hate me would help our relationship.

“Daddy told me that he thinks that you need to tell Blake something important, and that you need to trust that love
can
overcome some obstacles,” he says still trying to convince me. I close my eyes, and sigh.

“Some things are just too big to get over, Dad. Daddy wants me to be prepared to let him go, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to see the look on his face when I tell him. He’ll know that I’m not a good person. I had my reasons for what I did, Dad, but it won’t matter to him,” I try to explain.

“I understand, baby girl. I really do. I knew I could lose your Daddy, but I also knew I would lose him if I kept my distance from him too. You’ve had a year to recover, now it’s up to you to determine if that’s enough time for you to tell him. Don’t you wish he would have told you what he was keeping from you, instead of someone else? If it had come from him, and a hell of a lot sooner, don’t you think it would have been a little easier to forgive him? Instead, his lying for three years ruined your trust and love.”

He’s right. There are so many times that I’ve thought that I could be over what he did to me, if I had known a lot sooner. I may have found a way to cope with what happened, but he had no intention of telling me and that was the problem. There’s no point in wondering, because he didn’t. He decided to break my heart instead.

I’m going to break his heart too. I need to tell him. I can’t avoid it forever. My parents gave me hope tonight. If I can forgive Blake for what he did to me, then he may not hate me at the end of the week.

Chapter 19

June 3 years earlier

Three months went by, and I could feel the distance widening between Blake and me.

He was there with me throughout the rest of the school year, but he wasn’t really there. The kisses were chaste, and the time spent with each other, more limited. I didn’t know how much longer I could stay in a relationship that seemed to have stalled.

When I woke up the next morning in Blake’s mother’s house, I wasn’t sure how I had gotten into a bed. What I did know, what was blatantly obvious to me, was that there was no one else in the bed with me. Blake wasn’t sleeping with me for the first night in over a week. It was a clear indicator as to where our relationship was heading. I assumed Blake was the one to leave the extra pair of clothes for me on the desk in the room, but I didn’t know when he had done that. I was apprehensive to walk out that door, because I remembered that Blake said that we were going back home in the morning.

I was still confused by the sudden change in behavior from Blake, and wasn’t looking forward to dealing with it again anytime soon, so I took my time getting ready. I couldn’t stay in that room forever, so eventually I walked out and faced the situation head on. When I walked to the kitchen, I saw Blake leaning against the counter with his head hung. He seemed so lost in his thoughts, so I decided not to say anything. My lack of grace, however, meant that I made way too much noise sitting in the chair, so my attempt to be quiet was futile. Blake looked up, and his beautiful coke brown eyes looked at me with an expression I had never seen.

“We have to go,” Blake said quietly to me. I looked at his face, noticing that his bruises looked even worse than he did the night before.

What the hell did he get himself into?
I wondered.

“Why can’t we stay, Blake? I don’t understand what happened. Where did you go last night?”

“It was a mistake bringing you here, Josie. I have too many family issues for you to be here. I’m taking you back to your parents,” he said firmly.

There was no arguing with him, he made his choice. I was so hurt, but I walked to his car anyway and prepared myself to go home. Blake hopped in the car after a short, seemingly tense, conversation with his mom at the front door. She waved to me and gave me a small, sad smile before we pulled away from her house.

“Take me back to the dorm,” I said to him, looking out the car window. I didn’t know this Blake. He was a stranger, and I couldn’t even look at him. I felt him look at me, but nothing he could say would make me change my mind. After the amazing week in our bubble of bliss, I was not about to go to my parents’ and let them see me hurt the next day.

“Jo-,” he started, but I gave him a hard look that stopped him from continuing what he was going to say.

“No, Blake. You don’t get to try to convince me where I need to go. You’re kicking me out. I get it, but I get to choose where to go. You may have the power to kick me out of your mom’s house, but I have the power over my life. I am in control of that, so take me back to the fucking dorms.” I said defiantly. He looked angry, and stared back at the road. His jaw ticked as he clenched it, and I hated that it made him look even more handsome.

“Thought you might like some more time with your parents,” he finally said. He wasn’t happy with me either, but I didn’t care.

“I’d rather be alone when I think about how my boyfriend doesn’t want me around his family, and how he wants to hang out with some other girl instead of me. I’d rather not have to explain to my parents how much of an asshole you turned out to be.” I was being a bitch, but I was hurt and angry. He sighed and shook his head, but didn’t say anything back to me. We drove the rest of the way to the school in silence. Both of us brewing in anger.

When he pulled up to my building, I wasn’t expecting him to get out and help me carry my bags up to my room, but I let him because I really had no desire to carry those heavy bags. Also, I sort of hoped he would hurt himself on the way up to the dorm. I sent out hopes that he would fall down the stairs, but apparently the universe wasn’t aligned with me, because he carried them all with ease and no pain
.

I guess I didn’t send out enough energy; I need to work on that,
I thought. I was about to walk into my room, when he grabbed me and pulled me to him. He kissed the top of my head and I heard him breathe me in. I closed my eyes and savored his closeness while I still had it.

“I’m sorry, Josie. I just can’t talk about the problems my family has. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I just don’t want you around their issues,” he said softly, rubbing my back.

“Shouldn’t it be my decision to make?” I asked into his chest.

“It’s not one I’m willing to let you make. I’m just not ready to talk about it, and I am not ready for you to be thrust into that yet.” He pulled back and placed his hands on the sides of my face. “I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. I won’t risk losing you because you think you know how to handle my family. You can’t. It’ll all blow over soon, and you won’t even have to worry about it anymore.”

My anxiety grew as he dropped his hands, making me feel cold instantly. It felt like a jab at me, but he said it well enough to make it not seem too malicious. It didn’t help the pain I felt when I heard it, though.

“What about Alice? Why did you leave with her?” I demanded.

“Alice is an old friend, and she knows some of my issues and how to help me calm down. It wasn’t meant to hurt you-,”

“That’s the problem Blake! Why does she get to help you, and I don’t? That should be my job as your girlfriend, not an ex!” I pulled away from him and raised my voice. He seemed a little surprised when I revealed that I knew she was an ex, but he hid it quickly. His face turned blank, and I knew that I lost him. He was done talking, and I would be left to my thoughts for the rest of the week.

“Ok, Josie. Think what you want, but I don’t want you around them, and I won’t explain why I want that or why Alice could help me and not you. I’ll see you when I get back,” he said apathetically, and turned around to leave.

The rest of that week was miserable. I sat in my room, and looked at the ceiling. I felt ridiculous, feeling upset over a guy. Brooke had come in once, and seemed shocked to see me. She said she had been staying with a friend for a few days, and was just getting some more clothes. She could tell I wanted to be alone, so she gave me a big hug and kiss before she left me to continue my wallowing in peace.

On the second night of being alone, I was reading a sad book, when I got a text from Blake. He had been silent for a couple days, so I was shocked and angry when I finally got a text from him. It was extremely late, or extremely early depending on how you rank 2:47 am.

Blake: You are so fucking beyutiful. I miss you so much.

Me: Are you drunk?

Blake: Maybeeee… just out, wishing I had my girl with me.

Me: You could have… but you didn’t want me

It took about ten minutes before I got a reply. Just imagine the constant phone checking, tapping of a foot, and wondering about what the hell he could be doing, and you will have a clear picture of how those ten minutes were spent.

Blake: I yub you.

I rolled my eyes.
He must be out of his damn mind,
I thought.

Me: Are you okay? You’re not driving are you?

Blake: Nahhh… Alice took my keys. She told me to stay at her place

The anger inside of me grew to a level I had never experienced, at the mention of her name and the possibility of staying with her. How could he think that would be okay with me? I hated her. And I really disliked him.