That's a Promise (37 page)

“Eyes open, love… need to see you,” he pants. He moves his hips in and out of me, hitting deep inside of me. The way he grinds into me is unbelievable. I move my hips up to meet his. Alternating our pace, we ride ourselves into pure wanton. Moans, groans, and some slightly loud cries escape my mouth with complete uninhibitedness.  I roam my hands over his body savoring the soft yet rough texture of his skin.

I’m savoring every wild and hard thrust that Blake makes. He’s moaning and breathing just as hard as I am. His look becomes a little wilder and I know that we are both close to our climax. I know I won’t last much longer. He pulls out slowly and then thrusts himself hard and fast back into me. He does this multiple times, making my orgasm mount higher. I gasp for air, totally losing control.

“Oh Blake… oh my… so close…,” I heave, succumbing to the wanton pleasure. One final look in Blake’s eyes sends me over the edge. He’s looking at me with no walls. Nothing holding him back from showing me how he feels. I cry out loudly as I convulse underneath of him. My fingers grip the sheets, my toes curl and I arch my back while the orgasm runs through my body.

 “Oh my fucking god, Josie,” he grits through his teeth. I feel his dick throbbing inside of me as he speeds up his movements. His hot come fills me up, and it is the sexiest feeling in the world.

He collapses to my side, and gathers me into his arms as we try to catch our breath. It’s absolute perfection. His strong secure arms, holding me while we cherish the euphoria we just experienced. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want this moment to ever end. Blake caresses my bare skin and nuzzles his face into my neck.

Perfection.

Chapter 34

Saturday

I wake up with a pounding heart.

It feels like there is something blocking my ability to breathe. I can’t get a good breath. My hand shoots up to my chest and I am terrified something is wrong. I can feel my pulse in my neck throbbing with barely a touch of my finger.

Something bad is going to happen.

Or, I guess I could just be extremely nervous about telling Blake my secret… I could keep it to myself. Maybe he doesn’t need to know. Does he really need to know?

I sigh aloud, knowing the answer to that question.  Daddy thought I should tell Blake. He specifically had Dad tell me something extremely personal in order for me to see that withholding the truth can only hurt. I would know. I know firsthand how it feels to be lied to. Now that Blake and I worked through that, it’s time to come clean.

I’ve gone through enough. Nothing bad is going to happen today. I’ll tell Blake everything, and he will be upset but he loves me too much to let this ruin our relationship. I don’t want his perception of me to change, but if he lets me explain, then I really think he will understand.

I start to calm myself down by counting my breaths. Once I feel like I can breathe, I look at the painstakingly handsome man laying naked in my bed. I bite my lip as memories of the night before invade my head. Images of us all over my apartment make my heart pound in a more scrumptious way. Last night was incredible. It was as if we couldn’t get enough of each other, and I still feel like I haven’t had enough.

He looks so peaceful sleeping with one arm underneath of his head and the other draped across my body. I trace the veins I see in his arm, and focus on how much I love him. Whatever happens today, I will always know that I was able to give this human being my whole body and soul in its entirety. I was able to trust and love someone to the fullest, and that is something I will never regret.

Blake starts to stir, making me feel uneasy again. I shouldn’t have even been selfish enough to do what we did last night without telling him first. His eyes flutter open, completely groggy, but a magnificent smile stretches across his face when he sees me staring at him. I will always remember this smile. Always. I give him a slightly sad smile.

“What’s wrong?” he asks after clearing his throat. “You’re so gorgeous in the morning, by the way.” He scoots closer to me and wraps me up in his arms. I want to never move from his safe arms, but the unavoidable conversation means that we can’t stay like this the rest of the day.

“I need to tell you something,” I say in response to his question.

“Mmm… can it wait, love?” he asks me as he runs his hand over my bare stomach.
YES!
I want to scream.

“It’s kind of serious, Blake. I don’t think it can wait any longer. I need to tell you before we let this get any further,” I say solemnly. He furrows his brows, obviously confused by my cryptic answer. He looks at me for a few seconds before he gets out of the bed.

“Let me go to the bathroom real quick first, okay?” He bends over to pick up his discarded clothes, and then gives me a quick kiss before going to the bathroom and shutting the door. I take the opportunity of solitude to get dressed. There is absolutely no reason that a conversation of this magnitude should be held while naked. After I dress, I make the bed, waiting for Blake to return.

When he opens the door, my heart squeezes at his now worried expression. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the hardest conversation of my life.

“What’s up, Jo?” he asks, leaning against my dresser. He knows that this is not going to be a good conversation. I look down to the floor while I sit on the bed, and take three deep breaths before I can even vocally communicate to him.

“I’ve been holding onto this secret for months, and no one but Daddy knows about it,” I start, finally looking up at him. He runs his hand through his hair and his other hand forms a fist that he tries to hide inside of his pocket. He’s nervous.

“Just…. Before I tell you everything, just know that I love you, and last night was the best night of my life. I’ve only ever been completely happy when I am with you, and I hope this doesn’t change anything.”

I hear him sigh and look down at his feet. He shakes his head slightly and then looks back up at me. “Ok,” he says simply.

I get off the mattress and head towards the side table next to the bed. I take a deep breath, and open the drawer. I know exactly where it is. There have been many moments when I grab for it in the middle of the night. I hold it to my chest, and take another deep shattering breath. This is it. I turn around, still clutching the flimsy item in my hand. Words escape me, so I walk to Blake and place the picture in his hand.

He looks at me intently before he looks at what I’ve placed in his hand. It’s almost as if he is begging me not to tell him what I’ve been hiding. Almost as if he is seeing through all the bullshit, and realizing that I’m not the girl he thought he knew. When he looks at the slightly faded picture in his hand, he takes in a sharp breath. He looks at me immediately and I can see extreme confusion, worry, and hesitance in his eyes.

“What’s going on, Josie? What is this?” he asks me, worry and distrust lacing his tone already.

“I did something stupid. A part of me regrets what I did, but a part of me has been justifying my actions since it happened.” I take a big gulp and step away from him. I sit back down and hug my knees to my chest, trying to compress all of the emotion that is building inside of me.

“I was pregnant, Blake,” I finally admit to him.

Chapter 35

11 Months Earlier

A single tear rolled down my cheek. The drive seemed to take longer than the 15 minute ride it was supposed to be, and it allowed too much time for thinking.

The sadness had never ceased since I left Blake behind the café two weeks ago. I vacillated between anger and sorrow, never knowing which dominated the other. I was saddened by the loss of someone I loved deeply. I was exceedingly mad that I was lied to. I was saddened by the fact that I had been in love with my rapist’s son. I was undoubtedly angry that the man I loved knew about that fact for years and never planned on telling me. I was sad. I was angry.

I went home to my parent’s house immediately after I drove out of the parking lot. I went to my room and alternated between crying in my pillow and punching it. My dads tried to comfort me, but learned early on to let me grieve for a while before asking what had happened.

I felt like a zombie when I finally emerged from my room. I hadn’t showered or eaten in two days and it showed. It’s hard to remember a lot about the conversation I had with my dads, but somehow I was able to tell them what happened. Dad was livid. Daddy was sad. Dad hid his anger by working even more on the car, and Daddy chose to show his compassion by comforting me the best he could. He held me while I cried like a baby at night, and he tried reassuring me that I would make it through that awful time.

Morning sickness started assaulting me not long after I finally told my parents about what happened. With Dad working, I was able to hide it, but Daddy knew something was wrong. It was easy to blame it on the depression that ate away at me, but eventually he became suspicious.

“Is there something else you want to tell me, baby girl?” he asked me, rubbing my back while I tried recovering from another bout of throwing up. I wanted to forget about this foreign thing that was invading my body, but it was impossible when there was always a nauseating reminder of its existence.

“Can’t you be observant somewhere else,” I groaned and got off the floor.

“How far along are you?” he asked, ignoring my snarky question. “And don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m your dad. I just know.”

I headed to my room and flopped face first onto my bed. “I don’t know. I never had a chance to go to the doctor.”

“When did you find out?” he asked softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. I turn so that my back is on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

“The day before the fight,” I said softly. “I was going to tell him that night, but I never got the chance. And before you start bombarding me with question, no. No I do not know what I am going to do. No I am not going to tell him. No. No. No.” I was acting like a defiant brat, but I felt like I had legitimate reason to be so hostile. The truth was, that I kind of already knew what I wanted to do, I just wanted to give myself a few more days to decide.

“Okay, baby girl. You know I’m here for you, if you want to talk it through,” he responded gently, ignoring my bratty behavior.

Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to talk to Daddy about everything. My fears. My anger. My pain. He knew quickly what I wanted to do, but he neither agreed with nor struck down my silent decision.

“You sure you want to do this?” Daddy asked, jostling me from my dark memories.

“Yeah,” I said, my voice monotone. Daddy parked in the parking lot and put his hand on my knee. “I will support you through this, Josie. I love you beyond words. I wish the situation were different, because I would love for your decision to be different. But I support you.”

“I just can’t do it, Daddy,” I squeaked out, trying to hold in the emotions that were running through me. “I can’t live every day looking at my fatherless child, thinking about how he carries the same blood as the monster who assaulted me. I just… I can’t…” A sob escaped my lips, and the shedding of tears became inevitable.

“I know, baby,” he said, and enveloped me in a warm embrace. I cried into his arms for the few extra minutes that I had, and tried to find some kind of peace in the moment.

Maybe it was selfish for me to take this route. Maybe it was brave. Maybe, it doesn’t matter what it was. It was my choice, and I chose that I could not have that baby. It sickened me to think about bringing a child into the world who I could very possibly resent. My child deserved better than that.

Daddy and I walked into the clinic, and waited for my name to be called. My leg shook as I waited. I was nervous, but I was sure that that was normal. I had taken the last two weeks to make sure that this was exactly what I wanted, and I truly felt that that was the best decision for me at the time. I didn’t want to regret not doing this in the future when I was faced with possible resentment or unhappiness.

“Miss Sommers?” I looked up and saw a nurse holding the door ajar, waiting for me to walk back with her to the doctor’s office. I took a deep breath, and let my dad give me one more hug before I walked back.

After a brief counseling, a urine sample, and a sonogram, during which I requested to keep the picture, I was prepared for the procedure to take place.

I was given a conscious sedative, so even though I was drowsy, I was still aware of everything going on in the room. They gave me my medications through an IV and the doctor injected a numbing agent into my cervix. It was strange watching the doctor take the straw-like tube and put it inside of me. I knew exactly what was going to happen. That tube was going to go into my cervix and suction out my pregnancy.  The procedure was short, with very mild cramping, and I was finished in minutes.

The worst part of the experience was the thirty minute recovery time, during which I was suffering yet another loss. I kept the picture of my 10 week old baby close to my heart. I still believed it was the best choice for me. I believed that I would have never been happy if I had had that baby. But I also knew that it was permanent.

I aborted my pregnancy, and there was absolutely not
hing that could take that back.

Chapter 36

Saturday Present

“What do you mean you
were
pregnant,” Blake grounds out.

I can see his jaw tensing, trying to contain his emotions. Blake is a logical person. He knows he needs to control himself before he overreacts. It’s almost as if he knows exactly what I am going to say. He’s hardening himself for the strike of what I did.

“I found out the day before I found out about who your father is,” I say, not looking into his eyes. I hear him take a deep breath and look at him while he crouches down to the floor. He’s confused and scared. I can tell because he runs both hands through his hair, something he does when he’s trying to think and calm down.