The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (5 page)

M
ark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional love tank at the operational level. Your spouse will probably need more.

One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”
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Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Solomon further noted, “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
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Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?

Several years ago, I was sitting in my office with my door open. A lady walking down the hall said, “Have you got a minute?”

“Sure, come in.”

She sat down and said, “Dr. Chapman, I’ve got a problem. I can’t get my husband to paint our bedroom. I have been after him for nine months. I have tried everything I know, and I can’t get him to paint it.”

I said, “Tell me about it.”

She said, “Well, last Saturday was a good example. You remember how pretty it was? Do you know what my husband did all day long? He worked on updating his computer!”

“So what did you do?”

“I went in there and said, ‘Dan, I don’t understand you. Today would have been a perfect day to paint the bedroom, and here you are working on your computer.’”

“So did he paint the bedroom?” I inquired.

“No. It’s still not painted. I don’t know what to do.”

“Let me ask you a question,” I said. “Are you opposed to computers?”

“No, but I want the bedroom painted.”

“Are you certain your husband knows that you want the bedroom painted?”

“I know he does,” she said. “I’ve been after him for nine months.”

“Let me ask you one more question. Does your husband ever do anything good?”

“Like what?”

“Oh, like taking the garbage out, or getting bugs off the windshield of the car you drive, or putting gas in the car, or hanging up his coat?”

“Yes,” she said, “he does some of those things.”

“Then I have two suggestions. One, don’t ever mention painting the bedroom again.” I repeated, “Don’t ever mention it again.”

“I don’t see how that’s going to help,” she said.

“Look, you just told me he knows you want the bedroom painted. You don’t have to tell him anymore. He already knows. The second suggestion I have is that the next time your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment. For example, if he takes the garbage out, say, ‘Dan, I want you to know I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.’ Don’t say, ‘About time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.’ Every time he does anything good, give him a verbal compliment.”

“I don’t see how that’s going to get the bedroom painted.”

I said, “You asked for my advice. You have it. It’s free.”

She wasn’t very happy with me when she left. Three weeks later, however, she came back to my office and said, “It worked!” She had learned that verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.

I’m not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse to do something you want. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It’s a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.

Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words. The word
encourage
means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.

Though Tricia had once been active duty herself, after she transitioned out, her identity became wrapped up in her roles as wife and mother. When an ombudsman position opened at Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, Texas, her husband, Greg, encouraged her to take it. The ombudsman is the spouse liaison for the command, answers directly to the commanding officer of a command, and is the person dependent spouses are supposed to be able to call whenever they have a question about their spouse’s job.

“You can do this,” Greg told Tricia. “Since you were active duty Navy yourself, you would be able to bring an interesting perspective.”

Bolstered by her husband’s words, Tricia volunteered. But when she learned her training would require a trip away from her family, she balked. “That trip was the first I would ever make ALONE to do something just for myself, aside from the occasional day out shopping,” she remembered. “It was a week long, was taking place over Valentine’s Day, and I had no idea what I would do without my children as my security blanket. Greg practically had to force me to drive away. Until I was about halfway to my destination, I kept wanting to turn around and go home. However, it turned out to be a fantastic trip. In addition to my training, I got to go to the beach and spend time alone, which was very relaxing.”

Greg encouraged Tricia to enjoy her own interests, even though it sometimes meant sending her away. Tricia said, “Ever since my first duty station (as a student fresh out of boot camp) in Monterey, California, I’ve been in love with the beach. My husband knew this. When we were stationed in Augusta, Georgia, however, our kids were young and we didn’t know people we could ask to babysit them so we could have a weekend away. So Greg suggested I go to Myrtle Beach while he stayed home with the kids.”

At first, Tricia felt like he was just trying to have time away from her. But she went, and came back feeling recharged, refreshed, and more in touch with herself. “Those trips gave me time to realize what was important to me, and to realize my husband was concerned for my well-being. Greg loved me enough to help me explore things I loved so that, in the event he did not return from one of his deployments, he could be confident I would not turn into a puddle of goo on the floor, a heaping, crying mess, unable to take care of myself, let alone my children.”

Greg’s encouraging words gave Tricia the strength she needed to develop her own potential.

Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words. Perhaps she needs to enroll in a course to develop that potential. Maybe he needs to meet some people who have succeeded in that area, who can give him insight on the next step he needs to take. Your words may give your spouse the courage necessary to take that first step.

Please note that I am not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something
you
want. I am talking about encouraging him to develop an interest he already has. For example, a wife might pressure her husband to look for a more lucrative job. The wife thinks she’s encouraging her spouse, but to him it sounds more like condemnation. But if he has the desire and motivation to seek a better position, her words will bolster his resolve. Until he has that desire, her words will come across as judgmental and guilt-inducing. They express not love but rejection.

If, however, he says, “You know, I’ve been thinking about starting a handyman business on the side,” then she has the opportunity to give words of encouragement. Encouraging words would sound like this. “If you decide to do that, you will be a success. When you set your mind to something, you do it. If that’s what you want to do, I will certainly do everything I can to help you.” Such words may give him courage to start drawing up a list of potential clients.

Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?” We are trying to show we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise.

Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst. Of course, encouraging words may be difficult for you to speak. It may not be your primary love language. It may take great effort for you to learn this second language. That will be especially true if you have a pattern of critical and condemning words, but I can assure you it will be worth the effort.

What happens when your spouse feels his or her potential has been thwarted? Let’s take a look at Jim’s story for one example. Jim’s wife, Sarah, always called him “The World’s Greatest Fighter Pilot” even in public. “I would feel slightly embarrassed when she said it, but secretly I beamed with pride at the same time,” he said. “My love language has been words of affirmation from the time I was a child. After my wife and I read
The 5 Love Languages
at a base chapel study, I realized why those positive words were so important. So did my wife. So she began to speak these words of affirmation often and freely, complimenting every act of kindness I did, every good decision I made, and every time I helped her out with the kids.”

But all of that changed dramatically when he was passed over for full colonel. “It was the death of a lifelong dream for me and I took it badly,” said Jim. “I felt the Air Force was telling me I was not good enough and it hit me hard. I’ve always struggled with anger, but I grew even angrier than usual after that.”

Jim also began to micromanage Sarah’s work at home. “I told her how to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, and season the soup,” Jim recalled. “My anger got so bad the kids couldn’t bring home friends for fear I would blow up. I began to hate the way I was acting, but I justified my actions by blaming the Air Force and becoming bitter toward the military.”

It was a vicious circle. When Jim acted unkindly, Sarah found nothing in his behavior to praise or affirm. “It seemed as if my wife’s words of affirmation dried up as much as my hope for a future Air Force career dried up,” Jim said. When she didn’t speak his love language, he didn’t speak hers.

At the breaking point of their marriage, they sought counseling with Jim’s base chaplain, who encouraged Jim to intentionally speak Sarah’s love language (receiving gifts) by writing her cards, bringing home flowers, or picking up little souvenirs for her when Jim went TDY. And he encouraged Sarah to grasp every small opportunity to praise Jim and speak words of affirmation. “At first, it was so hard, because I didn’t feel like speaking kind words,” said Sarah. “But as I asked God for specific things I could say to encourage my husband, things began to turn around. I’m so thankful for wise counsel that helped me do and say the right things to help restore our marital relationship.”

Jim and Sarah’s marriage began to regain the traction it once had. “We’ve been together ten more years since that season of sadness in our lives and it’s due to the fact that we expressed love to each other in a love language appropriate way—even during the hard times,” said Jim.

Love can be restored when you speak your spouse’s love language. Even difficult marriages can change rather quickly when you choose to love, rather than complain.