The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (7 page)

I
should have picked up on Betty Jo’s primary love language from the beginning. What was she saying on that spring night when I visited her and Bill in Little Rock? “Bill is a good provider, but he doesn’t spend any time with me. What good are all our things if we don’t ever enjoy them together?” What was her desire? Quality time with Bill. She wanted his attention. She wanted him to focus on her, to give her time, to do things with her.

By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or HBO has your attention—not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!

When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It’s a powerful emotional communicator of love.

One medicine cannot cure all diseases. In my advice to Bill and Betty Jo, I made a serious mistake. I assumed words of affirmation would mean as much to Betty Jo as they would to Bill. I had hoped that if each of them would give adequate verbal affirmation, the emotional climate would change, and both of them would begin to feel loved. It worked for Bill. He began to feel more positive about Betty Jo. He began to sense genuine appreciation for his hard work, but it had not worked as well for Betty Jo, for words of affirmation was not her primary love language. Her language was quality time.

I got back on the phone and thanked Bill for his efforts in the past two months verbally affirming Betty Jo. “But, Dr. Chapman,” he said, “she is still not very happy.”

“I think I know why,” I said. “The problem is that I suggested the wrong love language.” Bill hadn’t the foggiest idea what I meant. I explained that what makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally.

I explained that Betty Jo’s language was not words of affirmation but quality time. I explained the concept of giving someone your undivided attention, doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly. “Like going to the symphony with her,” he said. I could tell the lights were coming on in Little Rock.

“Dr. Chapman, that’s what she has always complained about. I didn’t do things with her, I didn’t spend any time with her. ‘We used to go places and do things before we were married,’ she said, ‘but now, you’re too busy.’ That’s her love language all right. But what am I gonna do? My job is so demanding.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

For the next ten minutes, he gave me the history of his climb up the organizational ladder, of how hard he had worked, and how proud he was of his accomplishments. He told me of his dreams for the future and that he knew that within the next five years, he would be where he wanted to be.

“Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Betty Jo and the children?” I asked.

“I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she is always so negative.”

“Are you beginning to see why she was so negative, Bill?” I asked. “Her love language is quality time. You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind—your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you. There’s only one answer, Bill, and it’s costly. You have to make time for Betty Jo. You have to love her in the right love language.”

“I know you are right, Dr. Chapman. Where do I begin?”

“Let’s make another list. What are some things you know Betty Jo would like you to do with her? Things she has mentioned through the years.” Bill’s list included:

• Spend a weekend in the mountains (sometimes with the children and sometimes just the two of us).

• Meet her for lunch (at a nice restaurant or sometimes even at McDonald’s).

• Get a babysitter and take her out to dinner, just the two of us.

• When I come home at night, sit down and talk with her about my day and listen as she tells me about her day. (She doesn’t want me to watch TV while we are trying to talk.)

• Spend time with the children.

• Take a vacation with the family at least once a year.

• Go walking with her and talk as we walk.

“Those are the things she has talked about through the years,” he said.

“You know what I am going to suggest, don’t you, Bill?”

“Do them,” he said.

“That’s right, one a week for the next two months. Where will you find the time? You will make it. You are a wise man,” I continued. “You would not be where you are if you were not a good decision maker. You have the ability to plan your life and to include Betty Jo in your plans.”

“I know,” he said. “I can do it.”

“And, Bill, this does not have to diminish your vocational goals. It just means when you get to the top, Betty Jo and the children will be with you.”

“That’s what I want more than anything. Whether I am at the top or not, I want her to be happy, and I want to enjoy life with her and the children.”

The years have come and gone. Bill and Betty Jo have gone to the top and back, but the important thing is they have done it together. The children have left the nest, and Bill and Betty Jo agree these are their best years ever. Bill has become an avid symphony fan, and Betty Jo has made an unending list in her legal pad of things she appreciates about Bill. He never tires of hearing them. He has now started his own company and is near the top again. His job is no longer a threat to Betty Jo. She is excited about it and encourages him. She knows she is number one in his life. Her love tank is full, and if it begins to get empty, she knows a simple request on her part will get her Bill’s undivided attention.