The ABCs of Love (17 page)

For dessert, we’d steal sweets from the “Pick ’n’ Mix” counter. We weren’t the only ones. Even nowadays, you get adults looking at the sweets in Woolworths with a nostalgic look on their faces. They buy selections for their own children, but you can tell they think there’s something unenterprising about this, something unnatural about just handing over the money. But then, children these days expect everything to fall on their plates without doing any of the work, don’t they?

I was about to point this out to Sally when I saw the expression on her face. “I want you to get me a candy shrimp, a fruit chew, two pear drops, and a coconut mushroom,” Sally said. For a few seconds, I thought about refusing, but there would be no point. I know Sally too well.

We ran down the street afterward, whooping and shrieking with joy. My hands were sweating so much that most of the sweets had disintegrated in them, but I didn’t care. I kept looking into the faces of everyone passing me by, and just at that moment, it was as if Sally and I were the only ones who were truly alive.

See also Codes; Danger; Kindness; Women’s Laughter; Zzzz

words

Sometimes when I have a lot of work to type, I get confused over words. They start to look odd. I told Brian about this, and he agreed. We made a list of silly words together.
Eighth
, for instance, is completely ridiculous once you analyze it. So is
put
. Almost an insult.

We tried to write a letter together using every word on our list, but we had to give it up, we were laughing so much.

“You’re all right sometimes, Ver,” he said, which surprised me because he didn’t then go on to make a joke about it. He’s changed a lot since his warning. These days he’s more like an unbounced Tigger. More manageable. He says the same about me.

What I didn’t say to Brian—because he’d only get the wrong idea—is that one of the strangest words is
husband
. You can’t help but break it into two syllables in your mouth.
Hus
is like a snake caught between your tongue and the top edge of your teeth. It makes your lips sneer to say it. And then
band
is almost dismissive. Draws your mouth back and lets any passion out without there being anything you can do about it. Say it carefully enough, and your lips are in exactly the right position to have a gag tied around so you can’t utter another word.

This is something I wish I’d never discovered, because now I can’t stop thinking about it.

See also other silly words in this lexicon: Ants; Ears;
Gwyneth Paltrow; Lesbians; Noddy; Rude; Thrush;
Ultimatum; Vendetta; Zen

worst-case scenario

Brian says it’s one step forward, two steps back. As soon as he got his work situation sorted out, his home life went to pot. It turns out his wife has been putting up with him only because she thought he’d collapse without her, but now she says he doesn’t need her anymore. He said the funny thing is that he’s been fearing this moment for such a long time, his first feeling was one of complete relief. It’s as if he can start again.

I think of Sally. She says she will never trust another man again. She says that she doesn’t need a man anymore. She says she is perfectly happy just being on her own. She says that she has saved up enough money from the time she was living off Colin so that she will never have to be dependent on anyone else ever again. She even says Colin has done her a favor.

It’s humbling to think that the worst thing anyone can imagine is probably happening to someone, to some family, somewhere in the world right now. You can never be complacent. You can never just let things go on day after day without taking action, like Brian says he did.

See also Illness; Old; Utopia; Withdrawal

wrists

The other day on the tube, there was a man standing up in front of me. He was holding on to that strap and reading his newspaper. I was just looking at the headlines, but then his wrist caught my attention.

I couldn’t stop staring.

His wrist was beautiful. There is something about certain men’s wrists just poking out of a jacket sleeve that gets me every time. That little nubble on the edge of the bone and the hollow in the middle of the flat bit that joins hand and arm. It’s impossible to see a man with a wrist like that and not think of what he could do to you with his fingers.

I kept thinking what bit of my body had the same effect on John. It sounds strange, but I liked the backs of his knees best. It was as if no one else had ever touched them but me.

Sally has beautiful ears. When she’s busy talking sometimes, she twists her hair behind her ears, and she looks like a little puppy dog. Her face is so sweet and vulnerable, I want to crush her to me. It’s hard to explain, that mixture of wanting to hurt and wanting to care for someone all at the same time.

I was pleased when my station came and I could get off. Sometimes it’s hard to realize how near to the edge you are standing.

See also Danger; Elephant’s Egg; Nostrils; Railway Stations;
Velvet

X

xenophobia

My father hated going abroad. When my mother did manage to persuade him to go on a foreign holiday, he’d never be happier than when he found a view or a street that reminded him of the Home Counties.

“You could almost be in England,” he’d say in admiration, and he would look around as if he’d found something remarkable. It used to drive my mother mad—the fact that he really did think that it was this that made going abroad worthwhile.

Sally and I have been planning lots of foreign holidays together. I phoned my solicitor to see how much money I had.

“Verity, your investments are so sound, you could practically buy the airline,” he said, and when I started to say that I didn’t really think I wanted to go that far, he interrupted to say he’d been joking.

“You really must take an interest,” he said. “This is your future security we’re talking about.”

I pretended he was right, because I knew he’d only give me a lecture otherwise. I said that I’d start to read the business pages and get actively involved.

I even asked whether he’d help me understand it all a little better. He went all huffy and puffy and said he’d be delighted. He said that, even if he must say so himself, he’d been doing something rather clever and exciting with my capital investments that he thought I’d find rather amusing.

I told him I couldn’t wait.

See also Ambition; Codes; Houses; Illness; Promotion; Voices; Yields

x-rated

Colin rang me up at work. I was surprised but thought he’d called about Sally. I was all set to be a good best friend and put him straight about a thing or two, when he suddenly asked me if I wanted to have an affair with him.

I couldn’t think of anything to say. Eventually, I said I was sorry.

“No harm in asking,” he said and rang off.

I phoned Sally straightaway. I thought this was something she ought to know, and I’d rather she heard it from me than anyone else. I was surprised when she burst out laughing.

She said she’d been expecting something like this, just never thought it would happen so quickly. It was relief that made her laugh, she said. Relief that she didn’t feel sadder about it. Sometimes you need to go as near to the edge as you can, for all the bad things you’re imagining to pile up one on top of the other, so you can stop wondering about what might have happened. You know the worst.

“Typical Colin, though,” she said then. “He’s always had fantasies about the two of us, you and me.”

When I put the phone down, I realized that Sally had painted a very different picture of what happened from what I think Colin was actually intending, but I suppose she’s just trying to protect herself.

I had a long bath that night. Even if Sally was wrong, I wanted to wash off the feeling of being part of someone else’s porn movie.

See also Colin; Lesbians; Phantom E-mails; Rude; Voyeur;
Youth

x-ray vision

Sally could be right about the fact that I have special powers. It’s not something I like to talk about, but I am peculiarly sensitive to what people are really thinking. Gifts like this have to be used responsibly. Not everyone wants someone else looking inside their brain.

I have started to practice it with John. I sit cross-legged on the ground, hold a piece of his writing in between my hands, and then I just concentrate.

I know when I connect with John because I feel this rush of energy surge through me and I get this picture in my mind like I’m this tiny little figure throwing herself on top of John and just clinging there. It does worry me that it always feels like this. As if I’m one of those monkey dolls hanging round a child’s neck and not letting go.

I have to peel myself off before I can start to transmit thoughts to John. I tried it with Colin the other day. I thought of him replacing the receiver after I’d turned him down and saw how upset he was. The interesting thing was that Colin and I were walking hand in hand through a field of shining buttercups. I didn’t do that clinging thing, and I was able to transmit to Colin easily. I felt he needed me, so I sent him healing thoughts.

Sometimes now when I use my powers, I’m not sure who is going to pop up—John or Colin. I don’t do it so often anymore.

See also Omens; Sculpture; Teaching; Vendetta; Zest

X

There are things about Sally nowadays that keep reminding me of my mother. For instance, I had forgotten how strongly my mother believed in education. She was always attending classes at the local adult education center too. It was almost a religion with her. She’d search through the brochure every autumn, working out what to do. It was an interesting way to gain knowledge, because she became an expert on specialist subjects such as Stonehenge, garden history, and the Greek tragedies, but she was unable to add up a single row of figures. It was as if she were in training to become the perfect quiz-show contestant.

I found my grandparents’ wedding certificate in my mother’s drawer after she died. I was thinking about framing it when I noticed that my grandmother’s father had signed with an X. I suddenly thought about my mother sitting at the kitchen table struggling over her books, and I felt so ashamed about how annoyed I was at the time because she was taking up so much space. I can’t help wondering now what it must have been like in her house when she was growing up. Did they read books? How did she get to love reading so much? Is this why she was always buying books for me to read? I’d forgotten how many books she used to buy me, how we used to go to the library together every week.

If God had had a family, he’d have created a telephone number you could use for all those questions you need to ask dead people once it’s too late. A mobile with wings.

See also Telephone Boxes; Voices