The Accidental Mistress (21 page)

Both of them fell still, struggling for breath and sanity, lying satiated and exhausted as the world slowly tumbled back. Pressing her face against his neck, she let herself drift.

At length, he slid out of her and rolled to lie at her side. She said nothing, content in the dark and the quiet, her eyelids beginning to droop with drowsiness. But apparently Ethan was not interested in sleep as he sat up, the mattress bouncing at his movements. Reaching out, he fumbled for a match on the night table and lighted a single candle.

Her eyes were wide open by the time he shifted back around to face her, his gaze no more than a degree above frosty. "So, Mrs. Smythe," he demanded in an implacable tone, "why don't you explain how you came to be a virgin."

Lily reached down and drew the sheet up to cover her nakedness, as though the thin layer of material might offer her some vital source of protection.

Damnation!
she cursed.
Apparently men can tell about these things
—or at least Ethan could. Lying back against the pillow, she forced herself not to panic.

"Well, have you nothing to say?" he pressed.

She smoothed her fingers over the top edge of the sheet. "What would you like me to say?"

His gaze bore into hers. "You might begin by mentioning the obvious. How is it you were married and yet never consummated your nuptials?"

Count on Ethan,
she thought,
to go directly to the point.

So, what to say? I certainly cannot tell him the truth, not the real truth—that I never had a husband at all!

Although she liked Ethan, even trusted him—obviously enough to have just given him her virginity—she knew she could not afford to risk confiding everything in him. She had no way of knowing how he might react to the news that her very existence was based on a fraud. Should he choose to do so, he would have the power to destroy the new life she had struggled so hard to secure. And that she could not permit. No, she must continue to maintain as much of her story as possible, even if it meant fabricating a new set of lies to placate him.

So what to say? Think quickly, he's waiting!

"There wasn't time," she said. "After our wedding ceremony, he was called away by his regiment and immediately embarked on the ship to Spain."

There, that had sounded plausible, had it not?

Ethan's golden brows drew close. "You married so quickly the two of you could not spend even a single night together?"

She shook her head. "He … um … asked me during his leave, and in the time it took for the banns to be read, he received his orders. We … married on that very last day and had time for no more than a few kisses."

Clutching the edge of the sheet with her fingers, she closed her eyes as she prepared to finish the deceit, a tight lump of guilt lodging beneath her breastbone. "We thought he would return in a few months, but before he could, he was killed."

After a moment, Ethan's large hand enfolded her own and gave a little squeeze. "I am sorry."

The pressure in her chest increased. She had lied to him before. Why was this troubling her so much now? Of course, before tonight she had not lain with him. Before now she had not known the full beauty of his touch, nor the great depths of his honesty.

Lovers can tell each other anything.

"Why did you not say?" he asked.

She opened her eyes. "Say what?"

"That you were a virgin. Did you not think I might wish to know? Might
need
to know?"

She shrugged to give herself an extra moment to consider. "It … um … seemed an awkward subject, not something one generally discusses."

Raising his hand, he stroked his palm across her cheek in a tender glide. "We have discussed a great many awkward topics this night, it seems. You ought to have confided that one as well." A fierce expression crossed his face. "God, Lily, I could have hurt you."

She turned her hand and entwined her fingers with his own. "But you did not—at least no more than could be helped given my untried state. I knew I was safe in your arms."

The last of the earlier coolness receded from his eyes, a flash of desire igniting deep in his amber gaze. Seconds later, however, the look was gone, replaced by something that appeared remarkably close to concern.

Sitting up, he scraped the fingers of one hand through his disheveled hair, then rubbed a thumb across his forehead.

"Does your head ache?" she inquired. "I suppose I forgot all about your illness while we were …" She broke off, strangely shy about saying the words. "So how is your neck? Does the sting still hurt?"

"No, I barely feel it. The doctor's remedy has proven surprisingly effective. And plainly I am well enough to have just made love to you." He fixed his eyes upon her, his brows low and troubled. "Lily, you truly ought to have told me."

"Told you … oh, you mean about my being a virgin. Well, I did not and the matter seems of little consequence now. It's done and cannot be changed."

Unless he wished it could be changed, and was even now regretting his impassioned haste in taking her innocence tonight, however unintentionally accomplished?

Her heart pumped out an uncertain beat. "Do not worry, it is fine."

The fierce look returned to Ethan's face. "Is it? I took something from you I had no right to take."

Her shoulders grew stiff. "You had the right I gave you when I consented to lie in your arms. You took nothing I did not freely give."

"You might believe that now, but I seduced you."

"From what I have observed, you have been seducing me for the past several weeks. You never before showed a bit of compunction in conducting your pursuit. Or were you only teasing about wanting me in your bed?"

"Did this evening appear as if I was teasing?" he questioned rhetorically.

"Well then, it would seem you achieved your aim. I should think you would be satisfied." She paused as a new idea suddenly occurred, a notion she had to force herself to voice aloud. "Or is that the difficulty? That I failed to please you and you are now searching for a graceful way to exit the situation?"

Keenly aware of her nakedness and a vulnerability she wished she did not suddenly feel, Lily sat up and reached for her shift. Keeping her eyes averted from his own, she slipped the garment over her head with as much speed as she could manage.

"Where do you come up with such absurdities?" he murmured. Clasping a hand around her arm, he exerted a gentle pressure to angle her toward him. When she refused to lift her eyes, he set a bent finger beneath her jaw and forced up her chin. "You pleased me greatly, very greatly. Never doubt that for an instant."

"Then—"

"I ruined you, Lily, and that I did not mean to do."

He grew silent for a long moment, as though weighing his next words. Drawing a deep breath of apparent resolve, he once more met her gaze. "Marry me. Let me give you back your honor."

Her lips parted on a stunned inhale.
Marry him!
Good heavens, of all the responses she'd considered that had not been one of them. A warm sensation spread inside her, a glow brought on by his gallantry, and yes, by the notion of being his wife. But just as quickly her emotions cooled, logic reminding her that his offer came not from any tender feelings on his part, but from a sense of duty and—lowering as the idea might be—guilt. Well, she needed none of that. Besides, she had no desire to be married. Not to Ethan. Not to any man.

"So you believe marriage will restore my honor?" she stated. "Now who is being absurd?"

His brows met on a sharp scowl. "I am trying to do the right thing."

Yes, I know,
she thought, repressing a suddenly weary sigh. "And I am telling you there is no need. My honor is not ruined, not that I can see."

His jaw tightened. "I took your virginity."

"Yes, you most definitely did," she retorted, shifting against the slight soreness that was already making itself known within her delicate inner muscles. "But that doesn't mean we need to shackle ourselves to each other."

"You are not seeing this properly—"

She pulled out of his hold, then tossed up an arm. "No, you are the one who is not seeing matters properly. Did you ever think that maybe I do not wish to marry—"

"That is no longer an option."

"Of course it is. No one knows we are here together—"

He laughed in clear derision. "Oh no, no one except for your household staff, who saw us drive off together yesterday morning. My staff, who knew my destination, and any friends or acquaintances in whom we may have confided our day's schedule. No, no one at all."

Her lower lip slid out in a little pout. "You do not have to be nasty about it."

"Merely pointing out the facts."

Reaching behind him for his pillow, he drove a fist into the center, then slid down into the bed to settle his head into the dent. A sudden expression of tiredness crossed his face. "I will procure a special license when we get back to town. We'll be married by the end of the week."

The end of the week!
Panic knitted a fuzzy lump inside her stomach. "No."

"Lie down, Lily, and get some sleep."

He closed his eyes as if the matter were settled.

"I will not marry you."

"You will change your mind come the morn."

"Maybe I should rephrase that. I do not
want
to marry you."

His eyes popped open, a gleam she thought might be hurt shining in his gaze before it vanished. "I had not realized marriage to me would present such a burden. Once you are a marchioness, I am sure your qualms will disappear."

"Pray do not fly up in the boughs. I don't mean that I do not wish to marry you personally. It is only that I do not wish to marry at all."

He quirked a brow. "Why not? Widows are generally eager for a new spouse."

"I am not one of them. Marriage is not for me."

"From the sounds of your first nuptials, you were hardly wed at all."

"I was wed enough to know I do not wish to be again," she bluffed. "And if you would think about this logically, you would see there is no reason for a union between us. A union, I will add, for which you have no more desire than I."

A long pause followed. "Who says I do not?"

"Your proposal does, since I would hardly call your earlier words an expression of undying affection and devotion."

"So you want love? If that is the cause of your refusal—"

"No, Ethan. I merely wish to stay as I am, single and independent. And there is no reason I cannot. I am a … widow, and until tonight you thought I was a woman who had slept with at least one other man. The rest of the world assumes that as well and unless you plan to disabuse them of the notion, they will continue to see me as a woman of prior sexual experience."

"Yes, but—"

"No buts. Until you made your discovery that I was a virgin, you saw no problem in pursuing me. Or were you always planning to offer marriage once you'd claimed me for a bed partner?"

Fairly caught, he shot her a rueful look, then glanced away.

"Just as I suspected," she said. "Seems rather hypocritical to me that you feel honor-bound to wed me because I was a virgin, but were happy to enjoy my favors with impunity had I actually been experienced as you assumed."

"I never thought you were
experienced;
well, not in more than the basics, anyway."

She decided to ignore the observation. "Widows have affairs all the time, Ethan. You know that as well as I. Even if rumors start, no one will think much about it, especially if there is no direct evidence."

"You mean such as getting caught during a party shagging on the sofa in the host's library?" His lips quirked in a wry grin.

"Just so. And I do not want to know if you took that example from your own personal experience."

He showed his teeth in a grin. "Not mine. A friend's."

She wasn't sure she believed him, but it didn't matter. "Anyway, you see my point, which is that as kind and honorable as your offer may be, and however much I appreciate the intent, neither of us wishes to marry."

A peculiar distance shone in his gaze, a melancholy she could not fathom. "No," he murmured, "you are right in that."

"Good. Let me say thank you, my lord, but no thank you, and leave it at that."

He did not reply for a long moment. "Very well, if you are sure."

"Yes, very sure."

But even as the tension eased from her frame, a wholly inexplicable sadness rushed in to fill the void. Ruthlessly, she brushed it away.

"So what next, then?" He stroked a hand over her bare arm.

Yes, what next?

She knew what she wanted and that was him. But continuing what they had started tonight would surely prove to be a mistake.
Would it not?

"What is next is that we should get some sleep; then we will return to London come morning."

"And after that?"

"I do not think there should be anything after that. Tonight was lovely, more than lovely, but it ought to be left here at this inn."

His hand stopped and tightened against her skin. "What if I disagree?"

"Then I would ask you to change your mind."

Locking his gaze with hers, he stared. Suddenly, as if making up his mind, he leaned up and pulled her under him.

"Well," he growled. "If tonight is all I am to have of you, then I want to take the fullest advantage." Reaching down, he pulled off her shift, then cupped his hands around her breasts. "For now you are still mine."

Crushing her mouth beneath his own, he kissed her with a passion that demanded her complete surrender. Threading her fingers into his hair, she gave it eagerly.

* * * * *

The following afternoon, Lily slid the tines of her nuncheon fork into a piece of perfectly poached salmon and lifted the bite to her lips.

"I called on you yesterday," Davina remarked from the other side of the Coateses' smaller dining-room table. The two women were alone in the family wing of the house, Lord Coates having departed hours ago for Parliament. "Your butler told me you had gone out driving. With the marquis again, I presume?"