The Accidental Proposal (31 page)

‘But that was different, Dan. I mean, that was war.’

‘And why do you think they call this the battle of the sexes?’ He shakes his head. ‘Why this need to share everything with Sam? Do you go to the toilet in front of each other?’

‘No, of course not.’

‘So why air your dirty laundry? People need space, Ed. A few separate things. Their own lives, even. You can’t live in someone else’s pocket twenty-four seven. And certain stuff, well, you’ve got to just keep a lid on it. Say you had a hobby, a private interest that you were a little ashamed of.
. .’

‘I told you, Dan. I haven’t played those Queen albums for ages.’

‘. . . you’d be embarrassed about it. Want to keep it to yourself, wouldn’t you?’

‘Maybe.’

‘This is like that. You’ve got to be two individuals. Not just half of a couple. And part of that means keeping a few secrets from each other. Both of you.’

I bristle a little at the ‘both of you’ part – I’d almost forgotten about whatever it is Sam’s been up to in the light of my own indiscretion – and pick the pace up a little in an attempt to shut him up. But even though I’m now breathing heavily, it doesn’t seem to phase him. Then again, Dan’s often being chased by women, and sometimes their husbands, and likes to keep himself in racing shape for both those reasons.

‘Most people live their lives in a different way to you. And after Sam and I nearly split up last year, we promised each other we’d never have any secrets. That we’d do everything out in the open.’

Dan nudges me, then raises both eyebrows suggestively. ‘Kinky.’

‘Because that was one of the problems with Jane and me,’ I pant. ‘We kept everything hidden. And that led to me resenting her even more when I found out what she’d been hiding. Sam and I, we have an understanding.’

Dan grins. ‘Well, she’s going to have to be very understanding if you tell her you’ve been unfaithful. Which reminds me.’

‘What?’

‘Have you actually
been
unfaithful?’

I pull up suddenly, and – after the couple of seconds it takes him to notice he’s running on his own and jog back to where I’m standing – look at him incredulously.

‘That’s what we’ve been trying to work out for the past few days.’

‘No,’ he says, jogging on the spot. ‘I mean, have you actually been
unfaithful
?’

‘Huh?’

Dan sighs. ‘All I’m saying is, and forgetting for a moment the fact that we don’t actually know if you had sex at all . . .’

‘Which is a pretty major part of it.’

‘. . . but say that you did. What is infidelity, exactly?’

‘You should know. You’ve done it often enough.’

‘Aha.’

I stare at him for a second or two, hating it when he does this, but knowing from past experience that if I don’t say anything, then neither will he, until he’s positively jumping from one foot to the other as if his trainers are on fire.

‘Aha what?’

‘I haven’t.’

‘Yes you have.’

‘Oh no I haven’t.’

As Dan turns and runs off again, I feel like I’m at a pantomime. ‘I’m sorry, Dan,’ I call after him, before giving chase, ‘but if you can remember as far back as a year or so ago and Slate Your Date? I think there are a number of women who would think that, actually, you did. Were. With them. Or rather
to
them.’

‘But that’s where you’re wrong.’ Dan slows down to let me catch him up. ‘Because infidelity is only infidelity if you’ve promised to be faithful to someone. I never promised that I would. With any of them.’

‘Yes, but, it’s kind of implicit, isn’t it?’

‘Is it?’ asks Dan, possibly because he’s not sure what ‘implicit’ means.

‘Of course it is. Normally when women agree to sleep with you, they expect something in return.’

Dan grins. ‘Not if you’re TV’s Dan Davis, they don’t. In fact, one time there was this one girl hanging around the studio, and . . .’

I hold my hand up to stop him. ‘Agree to go out with you, then.’

Dan shakes his head. ‘Why does everyone insist on applying labels to things? I mean, what is “going out”, exactly? Just because I agree to have a drink with them, or even dinner, and a couple of times, it doesn’t mean we’re actually girlfriend and boyfriend, does it? And besides, we both know it’s just a social convention. A precursor to sex.’

‘Not to them it doesn’t, apparently, judging by the comments they put on that website.’

‘Which I’ve dealt with,’ says Dan, a little tersely. And while this is true, and Dan did start to make some reparations as far as the women he’d wronged were concerned, luckily for him the website eventually closed down. Someone sued it, apparently. And I’ve got my suspicions as to who that was.

‘Anyway,’ he says, as we run past a group of primary-school children, ‘we’re not talking about me here, are we? You’re the one who can’t keep it in his trousers.’

‘Keep your voice down.’

‘Sorry,’ he says, craning his neck to check out the young teaching assistant. ‘I was simply trying to work out whether you’d actually committed a foul. A sin. A fox paw.’

‘
Faux pas
, Dan.’

‘Call it what you will. What I meant was, maybe you and Sam have some sort of agreement whereby this little indiscretion . . .’

‘Alleged indiscretion.’

‘. . . of yours might be, you know, permissible.’

‘We’re about to be married. Of course it isn’t. Wasn’t.’

‘No “arrangement” where each of you can go out and have one last fling?’

‘No!’

‘Shame. But back to my original point. You haven’t actually
promised
to be faithful, have you? I mean, I’m no expert, but doesn’t that come at the actual ceremony? You know, right after the point you agree to look after her even if she gets some horrible disfiguring disease. Or fat. Which is kind of the same thing.’

‘Dan!’

‘Okay. Keep what’s left of your hair on. I’m just trying to establish whether or not you’ve got an escape clause. A get-out-of-jail-free card.’

‘No, Dan,’ I say, patiently. ‘Sam and I do not have any kind of agreement whereby either of us is allowed to sleep with anyone else.’

‘Shame.’ He jogs on in silence for moment. ‘Okay, say you did, in fact, have sex with another woman on your stag night. Let’s think a little about the actual definition of infidelity.’

‘I think that would be a pretty good one right there,’ I say, guiltily.

‘Yeah, but surely it’s all about intent?’

‘
Intent? I obviously wanted to have sex with this woman. Why else would I be inviting her back to my room?’

Dan taps the side of his nose with his index finger. ‘Not necessarily.’

‘What do you mean, “not necessarily”?’ I say, sounding like a Dalek as we sprint up the steps to the promenade.

‘Well,’ continues Dan, puffing slightly, ‘say someone took advantage of your drunken state. Although they’d have to have been pretty desperate.’

‘What’s your point, Dan?’

‘You didn’t know what you were doing. Which, coincidentally, is pretty much what Jane used to say about your sexual technique.’

I ignore his insult. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it. ‘So you’re saying that because I was too drunk to know what I was doing, I therefore can’t have been unfaithful, because to actually be unfaithful suggests an act of volition. Of consciously wanting to do it,’ I add, seeing Dan frown at the word ‘volition’.

‘Yeah,’ says Dan. ‘It’s like when you see
these people on the news who have been forced to rob a bank or smuggle stuff. They’re not actually criminals. No one says “They’re a nasty piece of work”, and condemns them for the rest of their lives.’

I stare at him, so wishing that had some relevance to my actual situation. ‘Yes, but this isn’t exactly the same thing, is it? I mean, while I might not have actually actively pursued it, I still went though with it. And more importantly, let myself get so drunk where I might have. Or rather, you did.’

‘I did what?’ says Dan, innocently.

‘Let me get so drunk. And then failed to protect me in my hour of need.’

‘Hey,’ says Dan, holding his hands up as he runs, which makes him look like he’s fleeing a gunman. ‘It’s not my fault if you can’t hold your drink . . .’

‘A drink you gave me.’

‘.  . . and then get these urges you can’t control.’

‘That
you
should have controlled.’

He grins, sheepishly. ‘Sorry, mate. I guess I was too busy with my own urges.’

‘Anyway. The fact is, I quite possibly slept with someone else. And no matter whose fault it was, or whatever the circumstances, Sam’s going to find it pretty unacceptable.
I
find it pretty unacceptable.’

‘Then don’t tell her.’

‘That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?’

‘It’s worked for me up until now.’ He grins again. ‘Tell her, then. And see how understanding she is.’

‘But I can’t!’

‘Can I?’ says Dan, mischievously.

‘Piss off, Dan,’ I say, at the same time wondering whether that might be my best plan. And if that’s true, then I’m really in trouble.

‘Anyway,’ he says, ‘you’ve got more immediate problems to worry about.’

‘Such as?’

‘Catching me on this final stretch.’

As he sprints away from me, my knees suddenly feel weak, and I look round for somewhere to sit down. After a few seconds, Dan looks round, expecting me to be following him, then turns and jogs back to the bench I’ve collapsed onto.

‘What’s up with you?’

‘What you just said.’

‘Huh?’

‘About catching you. What if I’ve caught something? Or made her pregnant?’

‘Relax,’ says Dan. ‘Given the amount you used to smoke and drink, you’re probably firing blanks anyway. So it’s just the old knob-rot you need to worry about.’

‘That’s comforting, Dan. Thank you very much.’ I put my head in my hands and start to rock back and forth, on the verge of bursting into tears. ‘But what if I’m not? What if I have got someone pregnant? What if Sam and I get married, and then several years down the line, we get a surprise visit from my child?’

Dan sits down next to me. ‘Edward, don’t let your imagination run away with you. For a start, and for the millionth time, we don’t know that you’ve had sex with anyone. We also don’t know who that person was. We also know she didn’t stay around for the morning, which might suggest you weren’t able to perform. And even if you could, and you didn’t have any protection, there’s always the morning after pill.’

‘Dan, for the billionth time, that only works if
she
takes it, not if I do. And pregnancy aside, what if I’ve caught something, and I pass it on to Sam? That’s one sure way for her to find out I’ve slept with someone else.’

‘You could always tell her you caught it from a toilet seat.’

‘Only if I slept with it.’

‘Ed, I’ve slept with hundreds of women. Thousands, even. And I’ve never had a single thing. Except for that little rash that turned out to be lipstick allergy, that is.’

‘Yes, but you always wear a condom, don’t you?’

Dan nods. ‘Sometimes two.’

‘Two?’

‘Yup. Like the Irish say – “to be sure, to be sure”. Plus, I don’t want to risk it breaking, and have the CIA after me.’

‘It’s the CSA, Dan. And that’s my point. There was no sign of a condom wrapper. And I certainly didn’t go out with one in my wallet.’

Dan sighs. ‘What have I told you?’ he says, pulling his wallet from his tracksuit pocket and pointing at the well-worn ring shape visible through the leather. ‘Don’t leave home without it.’

‘Even when you’re going for a run?’

‘Remember.’ Dan makes the ‘scout’s honour’ sign again. ‘Be prepared.’

As he hauls me up off the bench, then sets off along the promenade, I shake my head in disbelief.

‘You’re a very sad man,’ I say, jogging reluctantly after him.

Although the really sad thing is, it’s the one piece of his advice I’m beginning to wish I’d taken.

9.45 p.m.

I have a busy afternoon at work, which quite frankly is fine by me, as it keeps my mind off my current dilemma – or rather, my lack of a solution for it. I’ve texted Sam that I have to stay late, inventing an after-work interview as an excuse, whereas in reality what I do is spend an hour or three staring out of the office window in the hope that a bright idea will suddenly appear through the glass. In the end, sadly, all I can think of is that I need to arrange what’s surely going to be a rather embarrassing appointment with my GP.

By the time I get home, Sam’s in bed, and when I slip quietly between the covers, she rolls over and snuggles against me.

‘Evening,’ she says, her breath on my ear.

‘I thought you were asleep.’