The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (2 page)

Such comments from respected friends in the ministry drove us to our knees as we inquired of the Lord what we should do. We certainly did not want to jeopardize our ministry. In quite a vivid way the Lord caused us to search our motives: Were we more interested in helping people or protecting our ministry? That was an easy decision to make, so we sent the book in, and every year it continues to minister to thousands of couples. Yes, even more than we ever dreamed.

So you may well ask, why then a new edition with updated and expanded concepts? After all, sex doesn’t change. The biblical principles on the subject haven’t changed. True, but our culture has. Not only is it almost universally acceptable to talk about sex in marriage today, it is also acknowledged by most Christian leaders that it is necessary to do so. Teens today know more about sex than those of any other generation in the history of the world, thanks to humanistic educators and amoral movie and TV producers. Some of the subjects we discreetly touched on in passing can be expanded on today. In addition, some of the latest discoveries in the field of medicine and social practice confirm the very principles we teach. And more important, these past twenty-two years have given us even greater proof and more illustrations that the true beauty of sexual love is best found in a Christian marriage. In fact, we will prove in this version that Spirit-controlled Christians enjoy the beauty of sexual lovemaking more than anyone else in our society. They don’t have an obsession with sex nor read pornographic literature to be stimulated properly, they just go on year after year enjoying it—just as our heavenly Father intended. We also include the answers to some of the questions some readers have sent in.

We are convinced that with the publication of this version,
The Act of Marriage
just got better. After you have read it, we hope you agree.

Tim and Beverly LaHaye

Washington, D.C.

Notes

1
. Robert J. Levin and Amy Levin, “Sexual Pleasure: The Surprising Preferences in 100,000 Women,”
Redbook
145 (September 1970), 52.

2
. Ibid., 53.

One

The Sanctity of Sex

The act of marriage is that beautiful and intimate relationship shared uniquely by a husband and wife in the privacy of their love—and it is sacred. In a real sense, God designed them for that relationship.

Proof that it is a sacred experience appears in God’s first commandment to humankind: “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen. 1:28). That charge was given before sin entered the world; therefore lovemaking and procreation were ordained and enjoyed while the man and the woman continued in their original state of innocence.

This necessarily includes the strong and beautiful mating urge a husband and wife feel for each other. Doubtless Adam and Eve felt that urge in the Garden of Eden, just as God intended, and although we lack any written report for proof, it is reasonable to conclude that Adam and Eve made love before sin entered the garden (see Gen. 2:25).

The idea that God designed our sex organs for our enjoyment comes almost as a surprise to some people. But Dr. Henry Brandt, a Christian psychologist, reminds us, “God created all parts of the human body. He did not create some parts good and some bad; He created them all good, for when He had finished His creation, He looked at it and said, ‘It is all very good’” (Gen. 1:31, paraphrased). Again, this occurred before sin marred the perfection of Paradise.

After forty years of counseling hundreds of couples in the intimate areas of their marital lives, we are convinced that many have the erroneous idea lurking in their minds that something is wrong or dirty about the act of marriage. Admittedly, the unwillingness of many Christian leaders through the years to talk frankly about it has called into question the beauty of this necessary part of married life; but man’s distortions of God’s plans are always exposed when we resort to the Word of God.

To dispel this false notion we note that all three members of the Holy Trinity are on record in the Bible as endorsing the relationship. We have already cited God the Father’s stamp of approval as recorded in Genesis 1:28. Anyone attending a Christian wedding has probably been reminded that the Lord Jesus Christ chose a wedding at which to perform His first miracle; ministers almost universally interpret that as His divine sign of approval. In addition, Christ clearly states in Matthew 19:5 that “the two will become one flesh.” The wedding ceremony in itself is not the act that really unites a couple in holy matrimony in the eyes of God; it merely grants them the public license to retreat privately to some romantic spot and experience the “one flesh” relationship that truly unites them as husband and wife.

God the Holy Spirit is certainly not silent on the subject either, for He endorsed this sacred experience on many occasions in Scripture. In subsequent chapters we will consider most of them, but we cite one here to indicate His approval. In Hebrews 13:4 He inspired His writer to record this principle: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.” Nothing could be clearer than this statement. Anyone who suggests anything amiss between husband and wife in regard to the act of marriage simply does not understand the Scriptures. The Author could have merely stated, “Marriage should be honored by all,” which would be sufficient; but just to be certain that no one missed His point, He amplified it with another phrase, “and the marriage bed kept pure.” It is pure because it remains a sacred experience.

Subconsciously I was reluctant until recently to use the word
coitus
to describe lovemaking, even though I knew it to be an accurate term. That changed when I discovered that the Holy Spirit’s word for
bed
in Hebrews 13:4 was the Greek
koite
(pronounced koy’-tay), meaning “cohabitation by implanting the male sperm.”
¹
Koite
comes from the root word
keimai
meaning “to lie” and is akin to
koimao,
which means “to cause to sleep.”
²
Although our word
coitus
has come from the Latin
coitio,
the Greek word
koite
has the same meaning and signifies the relationship a married couple experiences in the bed that they “cohabit.” Based on this meaning of the word, Hebrews 13:4 could be translated, “Coitus in marriage should be honored by all and kept pure.” Partners in coitus avail themselves of the possibility of the God-given privilege of creating a new life, another human being, as a result of the expression of their love.

For More Than Propagation

My first sex counseling experience was a complete wipeout. As a junior ministerial student, I was stopped one day by a soccer teammate as we left the practice field for the shower room. I had noticed that this big, athletic young man was not himself. We had both been married for little more than a year, but he didn’t seem to be happy. By nature he was an easygoing fellow, but after some months of marriage he became tense, irritable, and generally uptight. Finally he blurted out, “How long do you think I should go along with married celibacy?” His young wife apparently believed that sexual relations were “only for the propagation of the race.” Since they had agreed to delay having a family until after graduation, he had become a rather frustrated young bridegroom. Very seriously he asked, “Tim, is there anything in the Bible that teaches sex is for enjoyment?”

Unfortunately I was too uninformed to provide an answer. I had been blessed with a bride who didn’t entertain such notions, and I had given no thought to such a problem. Since that experience, however, I have endeavored to collect a number of Scripture references during my Bible study to determine what God’s Word teaches on the subject. I have found many passages that touch on married lovemaking; some speak primarily about propagation, but many others prove that God intended the act of marriage for mutual pleasure. In fact, if the truth were known, it has probably provided men and women with the greatest single source of married enjoyment since the days of Adam and Eve, just as God intended.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. When a couple’s sexual love life is unsatisfactory, it produces much stress in their relationship. Men who are disinterested and women who are averse to sex increase tension in the home, and this tension is often followed by unkind and selfish expressions or conduct that can be disastrous to a marriage. In many cases an unfulfilled sex life leads to infidelity or divorce.

About five years after the first edition of this book had been published, I spotted a lonely looking woman in her early forties coming into our Sunday evening service. Somehow I was not surprised that she was waiting for me when the service was over. Thinking I had never met her before, she introduced herself—the former wife of my college athlete friend mentioned above. In the twenty years they were married she had borne him four sons, all of whom were separated from their father most of the time now since he had divorced her. Apparently the day came when he could no longer tolerate her self-imposed abstinence or celibacy, and he became attracted to someone who was more responsive to his sexual needs. While his decision to leave his family cannot be condoned in a Christian, I am confident, knowing the youthful character of the man and his commitment to Christ, that it would not have happened if his wife had not been afflicted with an unbiblical mental attitude toward married lovemaking. For as we shall discover later in this book, the most important organ either partner brings to their wedding bed is their brain. It controls all other organs.

The Bible on Sex

Because the Bible clearly and repeatedly speaks out against the misuse or abuse of sex, labeling it “adultery” or “fornication,” many people—either innocently or as a means of trying to justify their immorality—have misinterpreted the teaching and concluded that God condemns all sex. However, the contrary is true. The Bible always speaks approvingly of this relationship—as long as it is confined to married partners. The only prohibition on sex in the Scripture relates to extramarital or premarital activity. Without question, the Bible is abundantly clear on that subject, condemning all such conduct.

God is the creator of sex. He set our human drives in motion, not to torture men and women, but to bring them enjoyment and fulfillment. Keep in mind how it all came about. Adam was unfulfilled in the Garden of Eden. Although he lived in the world’s most beautiful garden, surrounded by tame animals of every sort, he had no companionship with his own kind. God then took some flesh from Adam and performed another creative miracle—woman—similar to man in every respect except her physical reproductive system. Instead of being opposites, they were complementary to each other. What kind of God would go out of His way to equip His special creatures for an activity, give them the necessary drives to consummate it, and then forbid its use? Certainly not the loving God presented so clearly in the Bible. Romans 8:32 assures us, “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” When we look at it objectively, we realize that sex was given at least in part for marital enjoyment.

For further proof that God approves lovemaking between married partners, consider the beautiful story that explains its origin. Of all God’s creations only the human being was made “in the image of God” (Gen. 1:27). This in itself makes humans the unique living creatures on the earth. The next verse further states, “God
blessed them
and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number’” (v. 28). Then He delivered His personal comment regarding all His creation: “God saw
all
that he had made, and it was
very good
” (v. 31).

Genesis 2 affords a more detailed description of God’s creation of Adam and Eve, including the statement that God Himself brought Eve to Adam (v. 22), evidently to introduce them formally and give them the command to be fruitful. Then it beautifully describes their innocence in these words: “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (v. 25). Adam and Eve knew no embarrassment or shame on that occasion for three reasons: they were introduced by a holy and righteous God who commanded them to make love; their minds were not preconditioned to guilt, for no prohibitions concerning the act of marriage had yet been given; and no other people were around to observe their intimate relations.

Interestingly enough, the best lovemaking in the world is not limited to beautiful people or two with perfectly sculpted bodies. It is at its best when two healthy lovers, more interested in satisfying their partner’s needs than their own, approach their marriage bed without guilt. That is why virtue is the best preparation for marriage, and why faithfulness throughout the relationship is so enriching. God’s plan was for one man and one woman to share the ecstasy of that experience only with each other.

Adam “Knew” His Wife

Additional evidence of God’s blessing on this sacred relationship appears in the charming expression used in Genesis 4:1 to describe the act of marriage between Adam and Eve: “And Adam knew his wife Eve; and she conceived…” (literal translation). What better way is there to describe the sublime, intimate interlocking of mind, heart, emotions, and body in a passionately eruptive climax that engulfs the participants in a wave of innocent relaxation that thoroughly expresses their love? The experience is a mutual “knowledge” of each other that is sacred, personal, and intimate. Such encounters were designed by God for mutual blessing and enjoyment.