The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (4 page)

One of the most common misconceptions in the minds of young married women pertains to the sexual needs of their husbands. Because of their lack of experience, preconceived notions, and most of all their fear of pregnancy, many young wives do not share their husbands’ enthusiasm for lovemaking. This trend seems to reverse itself later in the marriage, but in the earlier years the frequency of sex is often cause for conflict and disagreement. Young wives may equate their husbands’ youthful passion with bestiality, not realizing that their husbands’ drives are not unique, but characteristic of most normal men. These drives are the gift of God to produce the motivation for procreation, which is still the primary social purpose of humankind. That gift influences not only a man’s sexual behavior but also his personality, work, motivation, and almost every other characteristic in his life. Without it he would not be the man she fell in love with. It is a wise woman who cooperates with that need rather than fights against it.

In human relations, attitude is everything. This is certainly true of lovemaking. If either person looks on it as a duty to perform, that attitude will soon be perceived by his or her mate; and it will gradually deteriorate until the passion of their love is lost. Unless they read a book like this or receive Christian counseling to change their mental attitude toward the experience, it will not be long before their love is gone.

2.
It fulfills his manhood.
A man usually possesses a stronger ego than a woman. If he is not a man in his own eyes, he is nothing; and somehow his sex drive seems to be intricately linked to his ego. I have never met an impotent or sexually frustrated man who enjoyed a strong self-image. A sexually satisfied husband is a man who will rapidly develop self-confidence in other areas of his life.

Most men do not blame their insecurities on sexual frustration, because they are either too proud or do not realize the connection; but I have observed it so often that whenever I find a fractured male ego, I look for sexual frustration. A man can endure academic, occupational, and social failure as long as he and his wife relate well together in the bedroom; but success in other fields becomes a hollow mockery if he strikes out in bed. To the man, being unsuccessful in his bedroom signals failure in life.

One loving wife asked what she could do for her husband whose business had just collapsed. He was more depressed than she had ever seen him before, and she felt incapable of reaching him. “I’m confident he will bounce back,” she said. “He’s too dynamic a man to let this one failure ruin his whole life.” Since she had already prayed with him and they had committed their economic future to God, I suggested that she make aggressive love to him, that she dress provocatively and use her feminine charm to seduce him. She spontaneously asked, “Don’t you think he’ll get suspicious? He’s always been the aggressor in that department.” Her response gave me an opportunity to explain that his fractured ego needed the reassurance of her love during a time of defeat. Many husbands subconsciously fear that their wives endure lovemaking out of a sense of duty or some lesser motivation. What every man needs, especially during a period of defeat, is to be convinced that his wife loves him for himself, not for anything he does for her. I knew her dynamic, choleric husband well enough to perceive that he was not complicated enough to get suspicious; any surprise would give way to ecstasy. Later his wife reported that he not only lacked suspicion but, within five minutes after lovemaking, began to share a new business idea with her. Although that idea never materialized, it started him upward. He soon found his niche and today is enjoying a successful career.

One instructive aspect of this case is the fact that her husband now credits his wife with helping him “bounce back.” He never refers to their lovemaking experience, of course, but says such things as “My wife is quite a gal! When I was down and out, she still had faith in me. It was her confidence that sparked my own.” Actually, before she ever came to me, she had verbalized her confidence in him many times by such expressions as “Don’t let it get you down; you can start over again.” But not until she made love to him did she communicate her confidence in terms that he could understand. Much later she offered a rather interesting comment to me: she could not remember her husband ever holding her so tightly during lovemaking. But that is not really difficult to understand. Men are just boys grown tall, and this man’s failure had shaken his manhood and accentuated the boy that lurks in the heart of every man. But love once again succeeded when all else failed.

Some women will probably take exception to this use of lovemaking as another example of the “exploitation of sex.” We prefer to think of it as the expression of unselfish love. Because of her love for her husband, this wife created an atmosphere on the basis of her husband’s need, not his feelings—nor hers, for that matter. It is a beautiful fulfillment of the Bible’s description of love: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests [needs], but also to the interests [needs] of others” (Phil. 2:4).

One woman told us, “No matter what our love life consists of, there is one time each month when I always try to get my husband to make love to me—the night after he has paid the family bills. It seems to be the only thing that gets him back to normal.” Her husband gets an
F
for failing to commit his problems to God and learning to rejoice by faith (1 Thess. 5:18), but she rates an A for being a wise and loving wife.

These stories appear in stark contrast to what usually goes on when hubby’s ego is flattened by failure, debt, or problems. Most self-centered wives are so “shaken” by the sight of an insecure husband during a period of testing that they are ill-prepared to be a husband’s “helpmeet” during the time of his distress. Do not be deceived by that thin coating of tough masculinity most men wear; underneath are many emotional needs that only a loving wife can supply. The old Victorian nonsense that a “nice lady doesn’t act as if she enjoys sex” conflicts with a good husband’s need to know that his wife thoroughly enjoys his lovemaking. It seems that the Victorians did not distinguish between their premarital and their marital taboos. Naturally a good, wholesome Christian woman will not flaunt her enjoyment of sex; that is a personal matter. Far too many insecure women are tricked into thinking that they should look and act sexy in public. That is distorted sex appeal! A truly secure woman will convey her sex appeal and satisfaction only to her husband. It gives him great pleasure and, in fact, makes his own sexual pleasure much more satisfying when he is assured that it has been mutually enjoyed. A wise and considerate woman goes out of her way to let her man know that he is a good lover and that she enjoys their relations together. It is good for his ego and promotes honest communication between them. Only a false and insincere modesty would hide such vital knowledge from a partner. Genuine love flourishes in giving. That is why a devoted husband finds great delight in knowing his wife enjoys his lovemaking. The benefits of such love not only intensify the solidarity of the lovers, but also spill over and bless the children. A secure man becomes a better father, uses better judgment, and has an improved capacity to love the entire family.

3.
It enhances his love for his wife.
We are familiar with the word
syndrome,
but we usually associate it with negative things like illness, depression, anger, or fear. However, it is appropriately used in conjunction with love. A love syndrome never hurt anyone, and such a syndrome is created between married partners when their lovemaking is mutually satisfying.

Because a man has been endowed by God with an intense sex drive and a conscience, the satisfactory release of that drive without provoking his conscience will enhance his love for the person who makes that possible. But only one person on earth can do that—his wife.

Follow our reasoning. A man’s sex drive can be relieved only by ejaculation. This can be achieved by (1) intercourse, (2) masturbation, (3) nocturnal emission, or (4) homosexuality. Intercourse is beyond comparison the most satisfying means of ejaculation, but this in turn can be accomplished by the act of marriage, by prostitution, or by adultery. Only one of these, however, is accompanied by a clear conscience—married love. Our chapter of questions and answers (chapter 15) will deal with illegitimate sexual experiences, but here it must be pointed out that they all have one factor in common: although they provide biological release, they do not guarantee lasting enjoyment, because the conscience God has given to every man “accuses” him when he violates divine standards of morality (read Rom. 1; 2:14–15). When sex provides only gratification and is followed by guilt, it makes a mockery of what God intended to be a very satisfying experience. By contrast, the act of marriage when properly performed is followed by physical relaxation based on innocence. Because sex is such a necessary part of a man’s life and married love preserves the innocence of his conscience, the woman who provides these for him will increasingly become the object of his love. Bobbie was a typical southern belle who came for counseling because she felt Joe didn’t love her any more. Although she couldn’t prove it, she charged, “I’m sure he’s seeing another woman.” It seemed incredible that any man would look elsewhere when he had such a beautiful wife with so charming an accent. But under questioning, it turned out that she had been using sex as a reward, rationing it out only on Joe’s good behavior. Like any normal man, Joe found that intolerable. We may never know whether he was actually unfaithful, for after some straightforward talk in the counseling room, Bobbie went home to love her husband unconditionally. At first he was stunned to find his wife sexually aggressive, but in typically masculine fashion he made the necessary adjustment. He found legitimate, enjoyable lovemaking with his wife so satisfying that he was no longer tempted to look elsewhere.

One satisfied husband summed it up rather graphically when asked if he had ever been tempted to try extramarital experiences: “When you have a Cadillac in the garage, how can you be tempted to steal a Volkswagen off the street?”

Female attitudes have been changing for the good in this area in recent years. Formerly it was common for many wives to look upon the sex act as a “necessary part of marriage” or a “wifely duty to perform.” Now an increasing number of women view it as a God-given means of enriching their relationships for a lifetime.

4.
It reduces friction in the home.
Another result of a satisfying relationship between a couple is that it tends to reduce minor irritations in the home. A sexually satisfied man is usually a contented man. This will not solve major problems—it will not repair a bent fender or compensate for overcharging the budget—but it does reduce minor irritations. Many a wife has commented, “My husband is easier to get along with when our love life is what it should be. The children’s jangling does not get on his nerves so much, and he finds it easier to be patient with other people.”

Most men do not realize that some of their unexplained irritations can often be traced to an unsatisfied sex drive, but a wise wife will remain alert to this possibility. Somehow the world looks better to a man and his difficulties shrink to life size when sexual harmony prevails. It is as though his hard work and the pressures of life are worth it all when he and his wife consummate their love properly.

More is involved in this than just the satisfaction of the glands. A man sacrifices a great deal when he gets married—or at least he thinks so. As a single man, he is rather carefree and unpressured. If he wishes to spend a night out with the boys, he doesn’t have to give an account of his whereabouts or satisfy another person’s interests. If he sees something he wants, he just buys it whether he can afford it or not. That all changes with marriage.

Furthermore, his carefree spirit must give way to the increasing weight of responsibility marriage uniquely places on him. A woman thinks about economics occasionally, but usually with limited, short-range deliberation. The husband, however, must go to bed with the mental awareness that he is the supporter of his family. He awakens in the morning with the thought,
I’d better do a good job today; my wife and kids are depending on me.
Unless he learns early in life to commit his way to the Lord, that can be a heavy load to carry.

A husband of weak character came home one evening and announced to his wife, “I’m moving out tonight; I don’t want to be married any more.” Our investigation revealed that he was not interested in anyone else, but he confessed, “I’d rather spend my evenings working on my racing car than on a second job to support a family.” His wife admitted that their physical relationship had been minimal and that she had never shown any appreciation for the sacrifices he had made for the family. Realizing that her indifference may have contributed to his dissatisfaction and irritation, she pleaded with him, “Give me another chance, and I’ll prove to you that marriage is worth whatever sacrifices we both have to make.” Some women get that second chance and prove it—this one didn’t. The husband went his own selfish way into irresponsibility, and both remained miserable.

5.
It provides life’s most exciting experience.
The titanic emotional and physical explosion that culminates the act of marriage for the husband is easily the most exciting experience he ever enjoys, at least on a repeatable basis. At that moment all other thoughts are obliterated from his mind; every gland and organ of his body seems to reach a fevered pitch. He feels as if his blood pressure and temperature soar nearly to the point of losing control. By this time his breathing accelerates and he groans in ecstasy as the pressure breaks forth with the release of semen into the object of his love. Words are inadequate to describe this fantastic experience. Although the aggressive nature of men finds them engaging in various exciting activities (we know ski jumpers, motorcycle racers, jet pilots, sky divers, and pro football players), they all agree that lovemaking heads the list.