The Affair (22 page)

So there it was.

Robert took a deep breath. In a single sentence, Stephanie had removed his biggest fear. And she had given him the get-out-of-jail-free card. He could now, guilt-free, tell Stephanie that there was no future for them, at least not for a few years, until the children had grown up. He could go back to Kathy, be more attentive, more loving, more considerate, and she would never know anything about his affair. Stephanie would drift away. And things would continue on with Kathy until . . . well, until they drifted completely apart. The children would have their own lives, their own families. He would be left with nothing.

Except now he had an opportunity.

For the first time in his life, he had a unique opportunity to make a selfish decision, to do something for himself. From the moment he had married, he’d ended up in a trap, running faster and faster to stand still, scrambling for work to keep everyone satisfied, to keep a roof over their heads. He’d sacrificed friendships and holidays, weekends and late nights in the desperate search for work in a business that was, ultimately, worthless. What had happened to his dreams of being a great director, of producing documentaries of worth, of making people think, of making a difference? His life was one of missed opportunities: his chance to be on that film poster, his chance to make a difference with his work, his chance to be happy.

Was he too old to start again?

Was this an opportunity to start again with a woman who loved him, and whom he would work with to make sure they stayed in love?

His head was spinning, and he physically swayed. Stephanie reached out and caught his arm. Even through the layers of cloth, her touch was electric.

The decision, when it came, was almost a shock to him. He felt as if pieces were sliding and slipping into place. He moved around to stand in front of Stephanie, catching both of her shoulders, looking down into her dark eyes, magnified now by unshed tears. His breath was coming in quick gasps as if he had been running.

“I love you. I want to be with you. To marry you. Will you marry me?”

And then the tears came. Stephanie wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled his face down and kissed him. He could feel her tears running down his collar and was sure there were tears on his own face.

“Yes, I will, yes, yes, yes.”

Sunday, 22nd December

 

 

T
he remainder of Saturday passed in a blur. Robert stayed up late watching television, but he couldn’t concentrate. He flipped through the channels, but all he could think about was his new life.

His future. With Stephanie.

Since proposing to Stephanie, Robert felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Bizarrely, he wanted to phone people and tell them his good news, his great news: He was in love with a woman who loved him.

No decisions had been made; Stephanie had been satisfied that he’d made the commitment. She’d been laughing, crying, and when they’d reached her condo, she’d invited him in, but he had resisted the temptation; once they were inside, he knew they would end up in bed together, and for some indefinable reason, he felt that would be unfair to her. Standing in front of the Victorian, she kissed him, lovingly, passionately, and thanked him.

“For what?” he asked.

“For making me so happy.”

It was half past midnight when he finally headed up to bed. The house was silent. Kathy had gone to sleep early, claiming another one of her interminable migraines. The kids had drifted off to bed much later. Robert moved around the house, checking the doors, turning off lights. Who would do this when he was gone? He was startled to find himself thinking in the past tense, as if he had already left. Truthfully, he had left emotionally a long time ago. He climbed the stairs and turned off the hall light, then stepped into the bedroom, closing the door gently behind him. Undressing in the dark, he tossed his clothes onto the back of the chair and slid into bed, sighing as his head hit the pillow. This was a day he was not going to forget.

“I went to see Maureen today.”

Kathy’s voice startled him; he had thought she’d been asleep for hours.

He was too wired with thoughts and emotions to sleep, but the last thing he wanted to do was start chatting about Maureen. Besides, once the news broke, Maureen would have no hold—real or imagined—over him. He could let her go without a second thought. It would be a chance to make a clean sweep and start afresh in the office too. Maybe Stephanie could join him as a business partner; that was an exciting thought. He turned in the bed to look at Kathy. He could see her wide-open eyes sparking in the dim, reflected streetlight. “How is she?”

“Getting better. But she won’t be back till the New Year.”

“Didn’t think so,” he mumbled.

“She’s not as young as she pretends to be.”

“I know.” Maureen sometimes thought—and dressed—as if she were in her twenties. He shifted again, rolling onto his back. “The new girl, the Russian . . .”

“Illona?”

“Yes, Illona.” He was somewhat surprised that Kathy remembered the girl’s name. “She’s very good. Does what she’s told, doesn’t have an attitude, is in on time, and takes exactly an hour for lunch. Maureen does it her way, treats me like a boy, and has no concept of a one-hour lunch.” Robert remembered one day last year when Maureen had actually taken a three-hour lunch. She simply did not respect him the way a secretary should respect her boss.

“You’re not thinking about firing her, are you?”

“It’s crossed my mind,” he admitted.

“It’s not going to happen,” Kathy said. “I forbid it.”

“Forbid it?” He was genuinely shocked. He bit back the crack of anger in his voice. “You forbid it?”

“I still own half the company, remember? Maybe it’s time I started to take a more active interest in it.” She sat up in bed and snapped on the light.

Robert groaned and shielded his eyes. “It’s almost one, for Christ’s sake! Can we talk about this in the morning?”

Although the company was in both their names, he ran it, he did all the work; he’d always thought of it as his business. Kathy had a perfect right—a legal right—to query or veto any decisions. But it was his company. Shit . . . Exactly what had happened to Jimmy was going to happen to him. Kathy would want half. Maybe he could do a deal with the house....

“Now that the kids are older,” said Kathy, “I’m thinking in the New Year I might start coming in with you three or four times a week. Even when Maureen comes back, she’s not going to be able to work full-time. I can go back to doing what I used to do: helping you run the company. Put the K back into R&K Productions.”

This was getting worse. He rubbed dry lips with an equally dry tongue. “Where are you going to find the time?”

“I’ll make the time. I’ll concentrate on getting new business; you concentrate on making the material. Remember? The way we used to.”

“Yeah, that would be great. Let’s talk about it in the morning.” He didn’t want this conversation to proceed. He needed time to think through the ramifications of what he was hearing.

“Maureen said the company was in the red.”

Robert shuffled up in the bed. “Maureen should have kept her mouth shut. Can we talk about it in the morning?”

“We rarely get a chance to talk anymore, Robert. We’re running in opposite directions.”

“C’mon, Kathy, it’s only temporarily, and it’s Christmas,” he said. “That always brings its own drama.” He closed his eyes, trying to end the conversation, but Kathy pressed on.

“No, it’s not only temporarily, and it’s not just Christmas. We’ve been doing it for months, maybe longer. I barely see you anymore. You’re home late four nights out of five, you go in to the office on the weekends, and when you are home, you’re locked in your office, working.”

So she had noticed. Where was this coming from? What had suddenly triggered it? He shrugged. “It’s been crazy busy.”

“Put my mind at ease; tell me the business is going well.”

This had to have something to do with Maureen. What had that bitch told her? “Look, we’ve gone through a rough patch, but I’ve landed a few new accounts. Next year will be good.”

“Does that mean you’ll end up working eighty hours a week next year too?”

Next year would definitely be different, he promised himself, but not in ways she would expect. “While the work is there, yes. Kathy, I don’t have an option. It’s one of the joys of being self-employed; you know that.”

“Then I’m even more determined to help you. Starting in the New Year, you’ve got a new colleague: me. You can give your Russian girl notice.”

Robert bit the inside of his cheek to keep his face straight, but not before he had started to shake his head. She’d been out of the business this long; she could now stay out of it.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing’s wrong.” He was getting annoyed with this nonsense. “But here’s what’s going to happen. You’ll come work with me for a week, maybe two, then you’ll have to take time off to be home for some reason: Theresa’s sick; you have to get to Brendan’s concert on time: you have to be home for the refrigerator repairman.”

“Really? That’s your worry, my needing to be home for the repairman?”

Robert ignored her and kept justifying himself. “Then you’ll take more and more time off, and soon enough, we’ll be back to the way we are now. Except I’ll have to go looking for a secretary again.”

“So, you’re using the fact that I’m prioritizing my kids . . .”

“Our kids, and I’m not saying that, Kathy.”

“You sound as if you don’t want me to work with you.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Look, Robert, I want to be more involved. I feel . . . I feel like we’re drifting apart.”

Robert reached out to take her hand, but Kathy slid her fingers away. He took a deep breath. “We’re not drifting apart; we’re just busy. And it’s Christmas. That’s all. I’d love you to be more interested in the business,” he lied. Her offer was coming at least two years or three years or even five years too late. He lifted the clock off the nightstand. “Jesus, can we please continue this tomorrow? I have to get an early start in the morning.”

“Okay,” she agreed, turning off her light and sliding down beneath the covers. “But we will continue it.”

He heard what sounded like a threat in her voice.

“Fine,” he said.

“Fine.” The ice in her voice was unmistakable, and it seemed to give a chill to the room.

That settled it: another night without sleep. The rational part of his mind knew that he shouldn’t be getting upset with Kathy because she was offering to help him. On any other day of the year, he might have been thrilled that she’d finally decided to become his partner again and help shoulder the burden of the business. Obviously something Maureen had told her had twinged her conscience; maybe she had revealed just how rocky things were, just how hard he worked to keep the business afloat. But right now he was more concerned with Kathy’s reminders that she was half of R&K. He was going to need legal advice. He didn’t want to end up in a stupid and expensive litigious process; he was hoping they would be able to decide things amicably.

That same voice, the little whisper of conscience deep in his skull, started to laugh hysterically. He was about to separate from his wife of eighteen years and he hoped they would do it amicably? She’d take him for everything he had.

And he couldn’t really blame her.

 

Robert spent most of Sunday hidden away in his study, editing a corporate video for a new green energy company. He heard the laughter coming from downstairs as Theresa, Brendan, and Kathy decorated the tree. Although Robert wanted to participate in his family’s tradition, he felt somehow it would be unfair to Stephanie, that it would be disloyal, so he worked through the day and into the night.

He just needed to focus on work, keeping Stephanie happy, and getting through Christmas. Then he would be home free.

Or would he?

Monday, 23rd December

 

 

R
obert had been on the treadmill for fifteen minutes and had already worked up a respectable sweat when Stephanie came out of the women’s locker room and hopped on the machine next to his. She gripped the handles and hit the button to turn the machine on. The narrow pad beneath her feet started to move, and she fell into an easy pace on it.

“Sorry I’m late. The office is closing today, and there were drinks in the boardroom.”

“No problem. I got your message. Any issues in work about . . . ?”

“About us? Nothing. No mentions. And I did hear through the grapevine that it looks as if you got the DaBoyz gig.”

“That’s great! I mean, I think that’s great. Theresa said two of the guys are gay.”

Stephanie shook her head. “So? Is that a problem?”

“No. Not at all. But she also said there were lots of tweets that they’re thinking about breaking up.”

“They were. That’s why this single is so important. There’s been a lot of investment in this group, and the investors are unwilling to cut loose their potential cash cow without one last shot. That’s you, by the way. Do the video right, and you will have saved a lot of people a lot of money. Screw it up, however, and you’ll never work in this town again.” She laughed.

“I’m not sure whether you’re joking or serious.”

“A bit of both, I think. You’ll do a great job. Remember, I’ve staked my career on it.”

“So, no pressure there then,” he murmured.

“And I’m sorry about yesterday. I really wanted to see you, but I’d already agreed to go shopping with Izzie before . . .”

Robert glanced sidelong at her and smiled. “Before?”

“Before us.” She was wearing a simple black sports bra and black, skin-tight yoga pants. He loved the way they showed off every curve of her body.

Kathy hid her curves behind oversized sweaters; Stephanie showed hers off.

“It was probably just as well. It gave me a chance to get a lot done in the office. If you and I had gotten together, we would have . . .”

Now it was her turn to look sidelong. “What would we have done?”

“Talked. Planned.”

“I know. You’ve made me so happy. Even Izzie is pleased.”

Robert bit the inside of his cheek to prevent a comment he knew would only cause an argument. “One of these days I’d like to meet this mysterious Izzie.”

“She’s looking forward to meeting you too. I’ve told her a lot about you.”

Robert had never met Stephanie’s best friend and confidante, Isabel Wilson, an old college sorority sister who was an orthopaedic surgeon at Mass General. All he knew was that Izzie didn’t approve of him and had done her best to separate them. “I suppose she was surprised by the news.”

“More like stunned. I said we’d get together after Christmas and celebrate. She’s paying.”

“Good.” Robert pressed the controls on the side of his treadmill, increasing the speed. “Why is she paying?”

“Because she once bet me the best meal money could buy that you would never leave your wife for me.”

“Well, let’s make sure that’s an expensive bet. I’ll book Top of the Hub myself for this one.”

“Have you given any further thought to Christmas?” Stephanie asked.

Robert frowned, wondering where this was leading. “I’ve thought about nothing else,” he said truthfully.

“Will you spend Christmas Day with me?”

Robert increased the speed of the machine again. The humming whine would make conversation difficult. “No.” He caught the flicker of disappointment on her face. “Be reasonable.” Realizing that some of the other patrons of the gym were looking in their direction, he discovered that he’d raised his voice. He leaned across to Stephanie. “Be reasonable. I can hardly go to Kathy and the kids tonight or tomorrow and say, ‘Guess what, I’m leaving. Merry Christmas.’ Can I?”

Stephanie nodded. “No, of course not.”

“But I’ll see you tomorrow,” he added, though he was not exactly sure what excuse he’d use to get out of the house. Maybe say the office alarm had gone off, something like that.

Stephanie patted her forehead with the towel draped around her neck. “And when do you intend to tell her?”

“I was thinking the twenty-seventh, which is Friday.”

“Why not Thursday?”

“Well, we’re committed to going over to her sister’s for dinner. It’s a family tradition. All the arrangements have been made.”

“So what am I supposed to do for Christmas Day? Hang around until you appear?”

Robert ignored the question. “Look, I’ll tell her on Friday, and I’ll spend New Year’s Eve with you. We’ll bring in the New Year together. Come on—meet me halfway on this. This is a big decision, a huge move for me to make. You’ve only got yourself to think of; I’ve got Kathy and the kids to consider.”

Stephanie nodded. “You’re right, of course. Absolutely right. Another couple of days won’t make that much difference to us. And Christmas Day is really just another Wednesday.”

They moved off the treadmills and onto the bikes. Stephanie set a high gear and began to pedal, the muscles in her legs pushing hard as the covered wheel whirred around. Robert pedaled at an easier pace.

“So, I have a proposition.”

Stephanie looked at him and smiled. “Another one?”

“It’s about the company. R&K Productions. You know the K stands for Kathy and that she has a fifty percent share in it.”

“I know that.”

“I was wondering if you’d like to join me in the company, take over Kathy’s share. We could call it R&S Productions. That is, if I can buy Kathy out, of course.”

He thought Stephanie was looking at him in surprise, and she took a long moment before she replied. “I’m not sure I’d want to give up my present position. I would think going to work in your company might be seen as a retrograde step, career-wise.”

For a moment, Robert thought she was joking. He even started to laugh, until he realized that she was deadly serious.

“The other thing we’ll have to bear in mind is that, obviously, I won’t be able to send any more business your way. It wouldn’t look good for me to be seen to be pushing business to my partner’s company.”

He was shocked. “No more business . . .”

“Not from me. But I’ll keep my ear to the ground. I’ll keep you well up to speed with what’s happening in the industry.”

Robert felt his head spin. Yesterday, sitting in the cold office, trying to reach Stephanie and only getting her machine, he’d doodled new R&S logos on the computer, interlocking
R
’s and
S
’s, symbolically entwined. And with the relationship between himself and Stephanie out in the open, he imagined there would be no problem with her sending him clients. Which was a good thing, because he reckoned he was going to need the extra money to pay off Kathy.

“Anyway,” Stephanie continued, “I was thinking you might close R&K.”

“What?”

“Maybe get a job with one of the big advertising agencies or production companies. You’d be a huge asset, Robert. You have a great deal of experience.”

Robert concentrated on pedaling. He’d spent most of his adult life building up R&K, and now she was suggesting closing it down!

“It would be easier on you mentally and physically,” she continued. “There would be a steady paycheck, and you could walk out at six and not have to think about it again until the following morning. Your weekends would be yours again. Ours,” she added significantly.

“I’d be working for someone. I’ve been my own boss for a long time.”

“At the moment you’re working for Kathy and the children and the bank. They’re your boss. This way you end up with more free time, time to spend with me. Time to spend with your children,” she added.

And Robert admitted it was a persuasive argument. Ironically, he’d even broached something similar with Kathy a year earlier. Then, it had been her reminding him of the huge investment in time and money he’d put into the firm over the years. He started laughing, a dry rasp, which turned into a cough.

Stephanie climbed off the bike and thumped his back. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I was just thinking . . .”

“Thinking what?”

“That you’re some sort of catalyst. Change happens around you.”

Stephanie leaned into him, pushing her pert breasts against his chest. “We make our own changes, but sometimes you just need someone or something to do a little nudging. I’m going to take a shower.”

Robert watched her move across the floor, hips swaying. One or two of the other men in the huge gym also turned to follow her progress. He was surprised to discover that he didn’t feel jealous of their interest in her. They knew she was with him, which meant that they were jealous of him.

 

“So, what are your thoughts about babies?” Stephanie asked, lacing her fingers through Robert’s.

“I hadn’t thought about it. I mean, I have two teenagers already,” Robert said as they walked across the foyer toward the door that led out onto the street. “But I’m not opposed to the idea. What do you think?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I mean, I think I’d like children,” she said as they came through the door of the gym and out into the bitter night air.

“If you did want children, when would you like to have them?” he wondered. Would he, could he, go through the process again? Diapers, sleepless nights, childcare, school plays, soccer games, recitals. He’d spent the last seventeen years being a father. He’d experienced the highs of teaching his kids to ride bikes, throw balls, and make home movies, but he had also lived through the lows: the terrible, heartbreaking feelings of guilt when he missed a game or arrived too late to a concert. Did he really want to start over again? He had a good relationship with his kids, but it was one that he was always trying to improve. Robert worked hard to be a good father to Brendan and Theresa, and he didn’t want a new baby to interfere with his love for his grown children. If—no,
when
he separated from Kathy, it was going to break their hearts. A new baby was going to confuse them even further. Unconsciously, he shook his head. The precious little spare time he had, he wanted to devote to his teenage children. They were going to need all the support he could give them.

“Not immediately of course.” She reached for his hand. “Well, it’s a bit of a Catch-22. I’m thirty-three now. My biological clock is definitely ticking. I can’t wait too long, and yet, I need another two years at least before I’m promoted. Then we could start trying for the year after that.”

Two years.

Brendan would be in college and Theresa a senior in high school. How would they react to a stepbrother or sister?

How would they react to a stepmother?

They’d understand. They’d be adults. He’d be able to explain it to them . . . wouldn’t he?

A sudden, terrifying thought left him breathless: If he left Kathy, would he also lose the children? He looked quickly at Stephanie. Was she worth it? he wondered.

Their cars were parked alongside one another in the darkened corner of the street. They hit their electronic car door openers together, and both sets of lights blinked simultaneously.

Robert opened the door of Stephanie’s silver BMW for her. The roof light popped on, flooding the interior in soft, pearl light, washing over the leather seats. Stephanie threw her gym bag onto the passenger seat, then turned to Robert. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressed the palm of her right hand against the back of his skull to bring his head down to a level with hers.

“Think of all the fun we’ll have practicing to conceive children,” she whispered. Then she kissed him. Robert responded by dropping his gym bag to the ground and pulling her close. He loved the feel of this woman in his arms, the heat of her, the strength of her. He adored the pressure of his lips on hers. He loved her passion.

Finally they broke apart, and Stephanie climbed into the car. She waved once and drove away. Robert picked up his bag and moved around the front of the car. His phone rang. He fished it out of his jacket pocket and answered without looking at the screen.

“Hi, it’s me.” Kathy’s voice crackled across a surprisingly clear connection. He thought she sounded like she was in a good mood for a change. “I’m just wondering what time you’ll be home?”

Robert checked his watch. “I’m just leaving the office. I should be there in about forty minutes.”

When he hung up, he suddenly found himself wondering why he had told the white lie. She knew he went to the gym; it was no secret. But he just supposed he’d gotten into the habit of lying to Kathy. It was time to start telling the truth.

But not tonight.