The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (4 page)

Dietary information first came to light from government documents leaked in the late 1950s that recorded military attempts to feed captive aliens. They could not be encouraged to eat any of the foods provided by military scientists and were eventually force-fed via feeding tubes inserted into their esophagi. Subsequent tests on their preferred food types have proven inconclusive, although some have displayed a disquieting preference for warm, vitamized meat. Aliens do not absorb nutrients via osmosis through their skin, as some have suggested. Aliens have one opening, a
cloaca
, through which the digestive, urinary, and reproductive systems empty.

Little will be written here of the reproductive habits of aliens. Suffice is to say that this has been a topic of immense interest to researchers who have labored tirelessly over many years to document the often bizarre sexual habits of captive breeding pairs.

Anyone wishing to further pursue the topic should refer to the definitive works of Dr. Joel Mitsky, Head of Reproductive Biology at the former Soviet School of Applied Biology in Saint Petersburg, Russia.

It is impossible to estimate how long aliens live in a natural state. The longest period of time any single alien has been kept alive in captivity is seven and a half years. Although some aliens adapt well to captive conditions, most show a general decline in health from the moment of their incarceration. Despite the very best efforts of research scientists and physicians, most aliens eventually succumb to a mysterious degenerative condition that attacks their vital organs.

All aliens captured to date have been in the adult phase of their development. Captive breeding pairs, despite being very sexually active, have not, as yet, produced any live offspring.

Alien body temperatures (59°F [15°C]) are unusually low by mammalian standards, and they show a distinct preference for cooler environments. Many abductees have commented on the distinctly frigid temperatures onboard alien spacecraft. Aliens possess an unorthodox thermoregulatory system that does not involve evaporative heat loss.

Aliens are capable of entering a self-induced state of inactivity by lowering their core body temperature, slowing their heart and breathing, and lowering their metabolic rate. This form of hibernation is an energy-conservation mechanism that can last anywhere from minutes to months. Many aliens have feigned death only to emerge from their torpid state to pounce on their victims during an unguarded moment. They can also consciously lower their skin temperature to match ambient air temperature, making them nigh impossible to detect with thermal imaging equipment.

THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

Laboratory trials have shown that aliens are immune to all known human viral pathogens, including smallpox, Ebola, HIV, pneumonia, and bubonic plague. This has not come as too much of a surprise to alien immunologists considering that cross-species infections are a relatively rare event in the nature world. But what has shocked medical scientists is their remarkable resistance to bacterial infections. Their bodies seem to have natural antibiotic properties. They show apparent immunity to such human banes as anthrax, cholera, botulism, leprosy, salmonella, and group A streptococcus. Needless to say, conventional biological warfare against aliens is futile.

As of yet, research scientists have been unable to extract and isolate the effective agents responsible for this resistance. The medical implications of this discovery could be profound for humanity.

Another interesting aspect of aliens' natural immunity to bacteria results in a resistance to the processes of decomposition. Alien corpses have been found effectively intact long after death.

Some have speculated that the new arrival of virulent diseases in recent years can be directly attributed to human-alien encounters. Others have gone further by suggesting that most of the contagious diseases that have plagued humanity throughout the ages have an alien origin. Yet, this position has little support among the majority of scientists working in the field. Authorities, however, are taking no chances. Aliens captured by the state are kept under strict quarantine conditions where there is little chance for cross-contamination. Due caution should always be exercised when handling living or dead aliens. Better safe than sorry.

The intellectual ability of the alien mind is not questioned. Their highly advanced technologies are ample demonstration of their grand cerebral achievements. Alien brain-to-body size ratio is only slightly higher than our own. As larger brains generally equate to higher intelligence, it has been calculated that on a human IQ test, aliens would fall somewhere around the 140–160 mark. This, however, is only an assumption, as captive aliens have failed to cooperate in any form of psychological testing or intelligence profiling. Indeed, they have steadfastly refused to divulge any information at all about themselves to authorities, apart from their dietary preferences. What knowledge we have gained of their abilities has been solely through direct scientific observation.

Although alien intelligence may be higher than that of the average human, it does not surpass all human intellect. Many of our greatest intellectual luminaries would leave the average alien mind in the dark. Alien technologies have not arisen from their intellectual superiority, but from the advantage of having had a historical head start. No doubt, given the same amount of time, our species could develop comparable technologies. It must also be remembered that high intelligence does not always equate to common sense or “street savvy.” Although it would be true to say that aliens currently have the technological edge over us, the courage, ingenuity, and tenacity of the human spirit is still a force to be reckoned with. Aliens can be outfoxed, outwitted, and outsmarted. Alien cunning, however, must never be underestimated. Many who have made this mistake have suffered the dire consequences.

ESTIMATED IQ'S

Leonardo 220

Mozart 165

Einstein 160

Darwin 165