The Amazing Tales of Wildcat Arrows (10 page)

"
YOU
ARE THE DANGER, SLOWHAND-SAN."

Kerreth blinked. Once. "What is that supposed to mean, exactly?"

"YOU ARE A MASTERSTROKE 6000. IS THAT NOT CORRECT?"

"Yes!" he responded, warily.

"MASTERSTROKE 6000'S ARE THE MOST ADVANCED PLEASURE DROIDS EVER BUILT. YEARS OF RESEARCH WENT INTO THE DESIGN AND IMPLEMENTATION OF A LIFELIKE AI THAT CAN REPLICATE HUMANOID SEXUAL INTERACTIONS TO WITHIN .05846 DEGREE OF ACCURACY."

Kerreth, wise now to Minmei's roundabout explanations, barked out, "Get on with it!"

"YOU ARE VERY EXPENSIVE. SLOWHAND-SAN."s

Lucky's brow furrowed. "To use?"

"TO DEVELOPE. BECAUSE OF THIS, YOU WERE BUILT WITH A FAILSAFE MECHANISM."

SpinDrift screeched to a halt. "What kind of fail-safe?"

Lucky added, "Will he shut down or something?"

"NOT LIKELY, MISS LUCKY AND MASTER FLOOP. HIS POWER CENTER IS SEATED IN HIS TITANIUM CROTCH."

"Get out of here." Lucky and Spin both looked in the direction of the object of all the fuss.

Kerreth glared back at them.

"IT IS A FACT." Minmei went on. "THERE IS A THERMO-NUCLEAR DEVICE IMPLANTED IN THE REGION OF HIS TESTES. "

"Good grief, what next!" Lucky did not expect a response from anyone. Nevertheless, Minmei gave her one.

"THE RESULTANT EXPLOSION WILL ELIMINATE THIS SHIP… EVERYONE ON IT… SEVERAL NEARBY SATELLITES… AND POSSIBLY… CLUTCH CHOMPS' FLY-THRU SHIP WASH AND
QUICKIE MART."

SpinDrift wailed. "Oh no, not Clutch Chomps! Where will I play my numerics?! My scratch cards?" He turned on Kerreth and pointed directly at his groin. "We have to get rid of it!"

"Don't even think it, Floop boy." Kerreth looked ready and willing to defend the 'territory'.

"Spin's been playing
Gotta Win
for a long time." Lucky explained. "He's hasn't won yet."

"Hmf!" SpinDrift sniffed. "You don't win unless you
play
and I won't be able to play if he blows up Clutch Chomps. "

"Not to mention half this sector," Lucky grumbled. "Why would they put something like that in him? It's dangerous. A lot of people could get killed—not to mention us."

"THEY HAVE FOUND IT TO BE AN EFFECTIVE MEASURE AGAINST ANYONE STEALING OR TRANSPORTING A MASTERSTROKE 6000," Minmei explained helpfully.

"But we didn't steal him! He came along of his own accord."

"IT DOES NOT MATTER. MISS LUCKY. ONCE WE LEAVE ORBIT AND REACH THE CRITICAL RADIUS FROM SLIDE—WHICH I HAVE CALCULATED TO BE IN FORTY—TWO POINT FIVE MINUTES—HE WILL GO
BADDA-BOOM
. CORRECTION: MAKE THAT BIG BADDA-BOOM."

"Are you absolutely sure that Slick has this implant, Minmei?"

"I AM NOT EQUIPPED WITH THOSE KIND OF SPECIALIZED SCANNING SENSORS; HOWEVER, ALL MASTERSTROKE
UNITS ARE BUILT WITH THIS FAILSAFE. HE IS SET TO BLOW, MISS LUCKY."

"The hell he will! Reverse course immediately, Minmei! We'll just put him back where we got him." She turned to Kerreth. "Sorry, Slick; it's
not
working out."

It was working out just fine as far as he was concerned.

She wasn't getting rid of him that easy.

He had a stake in a certain miadne fantasy; he wasn't going to let them get it without him.

Kerreth straightened up to his full height, towering over her. "It's not that clean, Red. For one, Slide has some nasty corporate partners. Ever hear of Crisyn?"

Lucky paled. Crisyn was the big daddy of crime syndicates; they had deep, malevolent roots and were brazen enough to state exactly the kind of business they engaged in right in their name.

That alone said plenty.

Wildcat had crossed them on a number of occasions. The only reason her brother was still alive to tell the tales was that Crisyn needed his skills from time to time.

Still, they were a scary bunch.

"I can see by your reaction that you get my point. If you think they'll let you just drop me off and walk away, you're wrong. They'll detain you indefinitely by impounding your only way out. They'll take your ship. There's no telling what could happen to you all. Do you want to end up working at the Playhouse like I did, Red? I imagine it would be different for a human being… unbearable, perhaps. Am I not right?"

Lucky swallowed. What a fine mess this pleasure droid had gotten them into! "Don't be ridiculous! I'll explain to the Boss of Slide exactly what happened."

"CHANCES OF BEING BELIEVED ARE 1,867,399,644,801 TO 1."

Kerreth looked pleased at that result. "Thank you, Minmei."

"Well, we can't let him stay! He'll blow up the ship!"

"IN FORTY ONE POINT NINE MINUTES."

SpinDrift crawled on top of one of the consoles. The Floop was on a mission.

Lucky's mouth pursed. "Don't you even think of hanging from that ceiling girder to have a nutty, Spin! I'm warning you!"

Miffed, SpinDrift peevishly climbed down.

"The last time he did that," Lucky confided to Kerreth, "he
quackle-plucked
half his coat off."

"Quackle-plucked?"

"Floop disorder. Carryin' on, cluckin' at the top of his lungs, yankin' out feathers—which clogged up three of Minmei's vents, I might add. What a disaster! Minmei overheated and we had to go to dock for a complete reboot. It was not a happy time, I can tell you."

An image of her brother's icy blue eyes shooting daggers at SpinDrift flashed across her mind.

She gulped.

Wildcat was sure to be angrier over this stunt—if they lived long enough for him to find out.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Lucky clutched her stomach.

Kerreth decided he was in a room full of
quackle-plucker
jobs.

Minmei interrupted his analysis with the worst assessment he had ever heard out of the 'mouth' of a computer.

"SLOWHAND-SAN, THE MASTERSTROKE 6000 HAS A TWO TIER AI; PRIMAL AND INTELLECTUAL THE COLLECTIVE AI IS DESIGNED SO THAT ITS INTERNAL PROGRAMMING CORRUPTS AS IT APPROACHES CRITICAL RADIUS FROM ITS ASSIGNED SOURCE."

"I know; big badda-boom."

"AFFIRMATIVE. BUT THE FAILSAFE APPEARS TO ONLY BE WIRED INTO YOUR INTELLECTUAL AI."

Lucky perked up. "What is the significance of that?"

None
, as far as Kerreth was concerned. His gonads were not going to detonate.

Stupidest thing he ever heard.

Still, he listened dutifully all the same. He had to find out if his assessment was coming out on the positive side.

"THERE IS NO FAILSAFE IN SLOWHAND-SAN'S PRIMAL AI. IF THIS PRIMAL AI IS ACTIVATED, IT SHOULD OVERRIDE THE INTELLECTUAL AI AND ALL OF ITS DIRECTIVES INCLUDING THE FAILSAFE."

"Sounds logical." Lucky tapped her chin. "That doesn't sound too difficult, either."

"IT IS NOT SIMPLE. HIS PRIMAL MUST BE
FULLY
ENGAGED AT THE PRECISE TIME THAT SLOWHAND-SAN HITS CRITICAL RADIUS FROM SLIDE. IF THIS CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED, THEN HIS FAILSAFE WOULD DISENGAGE."

"And just how does his primal AI become engaged?"

"SINCE HE IS A PLEASURE DROID, INTENSE SEXUAL ACTIVITY WOULD OCCUPY HIS PRIMAL SIDE."

"Oh, hell no." Lucky groaned.

A slow grin revealed Kerreth's white teeth. He chuckled an annoying sequence:
Heh
. Pause.
Heh
. Pause.
Heh heh heh
.

"BE WARNED: A TOTAL SEXUAL IMMERSION MUST BE ACHIEVED AT THE EXACT TIME THE FAILSAFE IS PREPROGRAMMED TO DETONATE. AT THAT POINT, HIS PRIMAL AI MUST HAVE COMPLETELY TAKEN OVER HIS DIRECTIVES."

Kerreth wondered if he should be insulted. "Minmei, are you saying I can't have sex and think at the same time?"

Lucky guffawed. "Geesh, he
is
just like a real man, isn't he?"

Spin chortled with glee.

"SLOWHAND-SAN, YOU MUST BE COMPLETELY INVOLVED IN WHAT YOU ARE PHYSICALLY DOING AND FEELING TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN THINK OF NOTHING BUT WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING."

"I get it."

"You can
feel
?" Lucky was surprised.

"So I'm told." He smiled mysteriously.

"MASTERSTROKE 6000'S WERE DESIGNED TO EXPERIENCE AN EQUIVALENT SENSATION TO TOUCH. THEIR CREATORS THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE THEM MORE RESPONSIVE."

Pause.

"TEE-HEE-HEE."

"No doubt it does." Lucky looked him over and wondered. He feels, he thinks… he slices, he dices. Is he self-aware?
He did ask me for asylum
…

Spin clasped his claws to his chest. "Looks like you two have to get lively together or else this ship and everyone in it is history." He sighed. "What do you say to that, Lucky?"

"I say we're all gonna die."

SpinDrift was aghast. "You can't mean that!"

She grimaced. "I am not the one for the job."

SpinDrift's beak fell open. "You're the
only
one for this job."

"I'll second that." Kerreth was really enjoying this. In fact, since he had stumbled onto these two, he had had to fight to keep himself from laughing himself sick.

He hadn't had so much fun in a long time. And he liked it.

"YOU NOW HAVE FORTY POINT ZERO MINUTES UNTIL COMPLETE ANNIHILATION."

Kerreth looked askance at the girl. If anyone could engage him, she could. Those sweet pink lips were making him primal all right. Perfect for the task at hand.

If
he was forced to attach credibility to the wild plan.

That mixed-up excuse for a computer system had pulled that fail-safe dross out of its corrupted files.

Thermo-nuclear balls.

Uh-huh.

And those two brain splinters believed it.

He wondered just how far Red would go with the crazy scheme. The trouble was that he was sparked by her. Every time she came near him, his heart beat faster. There was a crackle of electricity between them; he could
feel
it.

Men like him spent their lives going after the uncommon. They coveted it. Risked their lives to seek it out. And if they found it, they treasured it for the rest of their lives.

Lucky Red Arrows
was
the most 'uncommonest woman Kerreth had ever met.

Although he was somewhat loathe to admit it, he was charmed.

What had started out as a single retrieval mission was quickly turning into a multilevel treasure hunt. The prize was the miadne jewel—and, possibly, the unconventional gift of a passionate, redheaded woman who knew how to laugh and was more than a scrap of eccentric.

He definitely wanted a taste of both.

"So, Red, where should we go to be alone to save the universe as we know it?" he smoothly inquired.

"THE TIME TO EXTINCTION IS NOW—"

"
We get it, Minmei
!" Lucky exploded on a resigned sigh. "My cabin, robo boy.
Right now
."

"Looks like I'm gettin' Lucky," Kerreth quipped. "Heh. Heh. Heh."

"Shut up." She sneered at him. There was no way for her to get out of sleeping with him and still live… but that didn't mean he had to go all male contender on her either. She stuck a finger in his face. "Just remember this does not come with bragging rights."

"No, Mistress Arrows." His lips twitched.

"If this works and we make it through this, you are not to tell a living soul."

"Yes, Mistress Arrows." He solemnly vowed.

Lucky scrutinized his face for a sign of sincerity, but found what suspiciously looked like amusement.
Why did the developers have to give him a sense of humor
? Did he really need it to do what he did?

On second thought he probably did.

"Okay, c'mon; let's get this over with."

"My 'fate' will be in your hands, Red." A dimple curved into his handsome cheek. "
Again
."

"Don't even start."

As they left the bridge, SpinDrift's solemn commentary followed Lucky into the elevator. "It is a far, far better thing she does, than she has ever done before!"

Lucky threw her own parting invocation to the Floop as the doors closed. An eloquent, expressive declamation of gesture from her native world.

She extended a middle finger in friendship.

The shocked Floop let out an involuntary exclamation.

"Bra-a-a-a-k!"